Here we go again

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

So I saw my bac-prescribing doctor today and, just as I had feared, he was unwilling to increase my dose any further. He feels that because my really intense cravings are now pretty infrequent, and because I only drank once, that this dose is good enough and that the cravings will continue to wane over time. Needless to say, I am very disappointed. At this point I can only hope that either (a) he’s right, the cravings will become fewer and fewer until they vanish completely, or (b) he’ll be willing to increase the dose later on if I continue having the same issues. I’ll just have to wait and see.

I guess I can't complain too much at this point. Most days I've started having what I can only describe as uncravings, where I think about drinking and am actually turned off by the idea. Living AF has become surprisingly easy. It's just those fairly rare moments of wanting to drink as though my life depends on it, like last Thursday, that get to me. One way or the other, though, I will make it work.

Anyway, not much else going on today. I was happily free of cravings today and took a nice long walk after an unusually low-stress day at work, so I'm pretty content. I hope you’re all having a great night :l :l

[StuckinLA]

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Just checked my B/P. Had I known it was this close to normal, I would've just gotten wasted drunk tonight. Instead I took 1/2 an Ativan already a little bit ago... damn.

What. A. F**king. Day. Sorry to be vague, just not in the mood to write everything out right now. Gonna go have a smoke, then go for a jog. Be back later or tomorrow. Hope everybody's doing all right and hanging in there.

Sounds like you're still doing well, Lis, and I'm really happy to hear that. Sorry the doc thinks this is "good enough." Especially since you're doing so well with the lack of SEs, and indifference is so much better than good enough. Big hugs, more soon. :l:l

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

I'm sorry you had such a terrible day, Stuck. Hopefully the weekend will give you at least a little time to kick back.

I'm at work, so I should keep this short. I just wanted to catch up with what's going on here and to give an update since I deliberately avoided coming on the forum last night. I know you guys are wonderfully nonjudgmental, but I was just feeling really down, both disappointed with myself and frustrated that I can't go up any further on bac. I had terrible cravings starting in the early afternoon and persisting until I left work. I couldn't stand it and ended up buying some vodka and bourbon.

This morning I have a lot better perspective on everything, though. Yesterday was the first time I really struggled with cravings, and ended up drinking, in a week. Based on my recent pattern at this dose, I expect to be craving-free for a while before having to deal with it again. And at that point, I will try a better way of dealing with it (urge surfing, doing just about anything I can to distract myself from my thoughts, etc.). It's not a big deal and I will learn to overcome the cravings, or possibly pursue the buying-bac-online option to supplement my prescription.

Anyway, I hope you all have a great day :l :l

[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

Lostinspace;1701947 wrote: or possibly pursue the buying-bac-online option to supplement my prescription.

You mentioned at first you didn't want to go this route because you didn't want your husband to find out, is that right? Does he know now that you're on bac? I'm just wondering because he's seen you make so much progress and things seem to be going really well with him right now. So I'm just thinking that maybe this is an opportunity to tell him how things are going, that you still have terrible cravings, but even those occasional ones will go away if you supplement what the doc is giving you.

If I'm misremembering any part of that scenario, my bad. Anyway just a thought.

So, I'm up in the early am yet again, and should probably be working on any number of things, but also ought to give ya'll an update instead of leaving that vague "bad day" BS hanging there. I'll try to keep this clear and concise, as everything's been complicated.

OK - I mentioned I got really drunk Friday night/Saturday morning at my buddy's for the football game. Well, I'd gotten this email from my immediate boss-type person at school (the teaching part of school, not the school-school part), calling me in for a meeting this week. There's other stuff I'm stressed out about, too, like money and trying to get paid for some work I'd done last year still, but most of this is about the meeting with the boss. Went in Wednesday, and she said that 1 of my students transferred out of my class (I'd seen that on the online roster already), but she said he transferred out because of me and my personality in the classroom. She also said that 4 or 5 of the students had come to the office in a group to voice concerns about me because they were all really freaked out.

I got really worked up for the rest of the day, and all night, and then yesterday morning before class. So first thing in class I decided to clear the air - because I thought things had gone great - and I told them all about how stressed I was the first day and first-day-jitters because I hadn't taught in a year, and blah blah and I'm really sorry if I was abrasive and now that we got off to a rough start I'm even more self-conscious about the class. But I want them to feel supported and comfortable and encouraged to share their ideas and all that, and I want them to look forward to coming to class.

I didn't want to put anyone on the spot, so I asked them to take out a piece of paper and, leaving off their names, write down how they were feeling after last week and how they're feeling now, and what I can do to make them feel comfortable, supported, etc. Then I left the room for 5 minutes and asked that they'd fold the papers in half and jumble them all up. They asked if they could talk to each other while I was out of the room, and I said of course.

When I came back in one of them asked what the hell I was talking about. They said last week was awesome, and they're all really excited about this class. Then they asked if I still wanted all the sheets of paper because everything on them was good (and yes, I did still collect them, and they are uniformly positive and there are so many smiley faces and hearts on them that it is ridiculous).

I was rattled for the whole class - thinking about the first 15 minutes had sucked up all my psychic energy for days, and while I had planned an entire 2 hour class period, I felt super unprepared and self-conscious and during the break when I went out to smoke I was actually shaking. Class did go fine, really, but it felt like this horrible trainwreck.

And so back to that first 15 minutes - I clarified with them, 'so none of you went to the office to express some concerns, etc.' No. No none of them did. I can't account for the 1 who transferred out, maybe he had said all the things that my supervisor said were problems, but she completely made up the part about it bothering a significant number of the students. And she made it up to try to change what she already knows as my teaching style into the style that she wants (she and I have history of not meeting eye to eye when I taught in this program 2 years ago).

Anyway then there was still 1 more 2 hour meeting to get through later in the day, and toward the end of it I had a major, massive panic-type attack that felt like alcohol withdrawal, even though I haven't had a drink in 5 days. And as soon as the meeting let out I bolted and instead of getting right on the bus I walked like 8 blocks up the bus route just to get outside and move around. Almost stopped at a liquor store before getting on the bus. Then almost stopped at the bar before coming home. Then talking about my day with the girl the anxiety and panic and terror feeling came back all over again, and I took 1/2 an ativan. She went to the grocery store, and when she left I checked my B/P and it's a tiny bit high but not too high, and like I said had I known it wasn't super high I seriously would've just been drinking whiskey.

But I didn't. I went for a short jog and took a shower and went to bed. She and I are both tired. And frustrated by different things, and not being very physical in our relationship at all, and everything just blows right now.

Hope everybody's having a good one today. It's almost the weekend, folks, hang in there.

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

That sounds intense, Stuck. And even though things turned out fine and not at all what you feared, it can be so hard to shake that panic when there's been so much buildup in your mind. I'm glad the class is going well, though. That's cute that your students put smiley faces and hearts all over their comments I hope you had a much better day today.

And you were right. I've stayed away from ordering online until now because I didn't want my husband to know. He does know now that I'm taking bac, and that it's been integral to my success in quitting drinking, but he thinks that everything has been just wonderful since starting on bac. I would have to admit to him that I still occasionally struggle with cravings. Even worse, I would have to face his inevitable criticism that I shouldn't be playing doctor with myself (we've had arguments about me trying to play doctor in the past, so I'm saying this from experience).

I think you may be right, though, that because of the positive changes he's seen in me, he might be more open to the idea if I bring it up now. And I probably should be more open and honest with him. I don't need to mention that I didn't fully stop drinking until well over a month after he thought I did, or the fact that I recently drank a couple times. But it probably wouldn't be the worst thing for him to know where I'm at now and that I am still struggling.

Even so, this will be a last resort for me. I'm going to try to ride out the cravings for now and to try once again to convince my doctor to increase the dose at my next appointment. If all else fails, I'll consider going the online ordering route. I very badly want to have that prolonged, unchanging indifference that so many others here have talked about.

Anyway, today was much better - no cravings at all. And I got off work an hour early for what will probably be the last time until 2015. We got our first mega load of samples in today that we'll have to process and test on Monday. It looks like the beginning of our Fall busy season is here. That means that overtime, plus working on Saturdays just as often as not, will be the new norm for the next four months. All I know is I'm going to enjoy the hell out of this weekend and try my best not to think about work again until Monday. I hope you're all having a great night :l :l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Here we go again

Wow, Stuck. That is incredibly manipulative of your boss. I'm really sorry. Despite all of your anxiety about it, it sounds like you handled it really well. Honestly. From addressing it directly with the class, to walking and then jogging and going to bed...Good stuff. I think my reaction would have been quite different, and not at all productive. (Confrontation! Confrontation! Confrontation!)

Lis, I really do understand why doctors don't prescribe higher doses. What's the point? And seriously, when someone has made as much progress as you have, in a short amount of time, it's very easy for him to say that it's enough. It honestly doesn't make sense, from a medical standpoint, to go higher to try to achieve something that has never been tested, especially since HDB hasn't really been tested. I get where he's coming from.

Your experience is also interesting because you haven't had any debilitating SEs. It seems that people who get a doctor's prescription are much less likely to experience those. I would hazard a guess that there is a comfort level in getting a legit prescription, and the fact that the titration is much more steady than if one self-prescribes. But who knows? (I did have a legitimate prescription. So I'm pretty sure it's not the difference between the online drug and the local-pharmacy-drug.)

Anyway. I guess my point is that we know that it's not just amount of bac. It's milligrams+time. You'll know if you want to go up. You might second guess it, but you'll know one way or another in a month or so.

One last thing: I REALLY wish I'd been honest with people about how much I drank and when and what happened from the very beginning. As hard as it would have been then, it was much, much worse to have to come clean later. I'm specifically thinking of my close friends and relatives, because Ed knew.

I am also really glad that Ed and I sat down and had a heart to heart pretty early on and agreed to complete honesty without judgment. We agreed that the kind of relationship we want to have could only be based on that kind of communication. It can be very hard to do, but we both know what the goal is and strive for it. It means, in our case, that we had "before bac" and "after bac". Before bac/sobriety can't really count. After bac/sobriety counts a whole lot. Probably more difficult to have this conversation with someone who doesn't have the same brain chemistry problems, but he'll understand better later if you're as honest as you can be now.

And Stuck, with all that you both have going on, it's not really a shock that sexy time isn't at the forefront of the relationship right now. Hopefully, there's comfort in just having someone there. Sometimes it's the comfort that's needed, or just the release, but that's not when the sex is good. It is just...necessity or something. We have a code for that, too. It indicates that there isn't really any romance but that the other person better get naked. :H

That's a whole lotta words from me. I'll update about my really, really lousy day later. (It got better and all is well, now. )

[Ne/Neva Eva]

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I love it when I write "one more thing" and then follow it up with a dozen more things.

[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

Yeah, still, I need to learn to keep my mouth shut more often. Ran into someone at the office last night and we chatted for a minute. As soon as she asked how my class was going... Poof! The whole story came out. She's full-time faculty and kind of a coordinator-person. She was only a year or two ahead of me in the PhD program, so it's tempting to see her as a friend... And it was kind of a warning for her to watch her back, too, but this is really my business and should stay that way. I've never been good about that.

Anyway. Hope everybody's having a good one.

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

I get what you're saying, Ne, and I do understand why my doctor is hesitant to go up any further. It's just disappointing nonetheless. But it's entirely possible that with enough time, this will turn out to be a good enough dose. Far more days than not, it already is, so I'll just wait and see.

And in theory, I do love the idea of coming clean and being completely honest with my husband, but he really doesn't understand where I'm coming from. Plus, he has been so happy with the changes in me, and our marriage has improved so much, it's hard to see how admitting to even more lies and secrecy than what he's already found out about will help our relationship along. I'd prefer to just leave the dishonesty in the past and start fresh from here. I will give it some serious thought, though. I know - I'm being a coward.

Stuck - I know what you mean about not always being able to keep your mouth shut. Even though I'm usually very quiet and reserved, I still sometimes have trouble with that when I'm emotionally charged. It was even worse back when I was drinking heavily throughout the day and not thinking as well about the consequences. (I originally said something here about a similar, but far worse, thing I said to people at work, but thought better of it - I'm too paranoid someone who knows me will find this site and read it). Anyway my point is, don't be too hard on yourself. We all say things at work that we later regret. And she probably appreciated the heads up. I know I would have.

Anyway, not much going on today. It rained most of the day, so I went to the library and got a couple more books. I really need to expand my interests. It seems that ever since I got back into reading, it's 90% of what I do with my free time now. I guess that's not such a bad thing. Anyway, I hope you all have a great night :l :l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

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I've written several posts and still can't get to what I want to say, so I'm just going to table the thoughts and I'll be back later.

Hope it's a good day for you all!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

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Hulllloooooo!

Man, I am swamped. This EMT thing is keeping me very busy. It's fun, though, so well worth it. (I gotta admit that the more I learn about it, the more I am totally clear that I have no interest in working on an ambulance. How do people do that? jeezum. Dreadful stuff, that. Hats off, once again, to Stuck. Anyway...)

Bleep's most recent post on some thread around here really resonated for me. I wish I had the time to find it. I was also really relieved when I figured out that there was actually something wrong with me, and that medication could fix it. (This isn't at all what I was going to write about the other day, but it's what I woke up with so I'm going with it.)

So how are you Lis? What's news? I've been meaning to ask you what you're reading. I have been gleefully immersed in fantasy novels for the last six months. Funny thing, though, is that I don't consider them worthy and feel sort of ashamed about it. Reminds me that some of us have a tendency to feel bad about every damn thing we do. (Or don't do.) Like coming in 2nd place. Or saying the wrong thing in 2nd grade. Maybe it's just me? (ha. I doubt it.)

Pouring rain here in Virginia, and apparently going to break some records. Good for the plants, I hope. And the weeds I never removed. (See what I mean? Always something to feel guilty about...)

I've got a bunch of homework to do before class in a couple of hours, so I'm out. Hope it's a good day! :l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

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Stuck, any new developments with your boss who railroaded you? How's teaching?

[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

It sure has been quiet around here lately. Maybe that's a good thing - Lis and everybody seem to be doing well and everything's pretty smooth sailing. That's good.

I've been writing posts and deleting them before posting. Soooooo. Meh, things are fine. The boss lady is a whackjob but I'm putting that behind me. I have a meeting with her later this week to go over my proposal for the spring class. She already likes the book list I came up with - packaging it all around a "theme" she approves of will be a little trickier. No big deal, just more hoops to jump through. The kids are great.

The girl flew home for a family emergency - her dad's health has taken a turn - serious for sure but now that she's had a chance to figure things out and talk with the docs it doesn't appear grave. She'll be back maybe after the weekend. I'm still reading around here, just haven't had much urge to jump in. Hope everybody's doing well.

[skullbabyland]

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Ne/Neva Eva;1703627 wrote: Reminds me that some of us have a tendency to feel bad about every damn thing we do. (Or don't do.) Like coming in 2nd place. Or saying the wrong thing in 2nd grade. Maybe it's just me? (ha. I doubt it.)

(See what I mean? Always something to feel guilty about...)
l

Boyoboy, do I relate to this! If I ever get to the point where I feel even half as bad about every damn little thing as I do now I'll consider myself master of my own universe.

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

Hey Ne. I don't blame you for not wanting to work as an EMT. I could never handle the pressure of having someone's life in my hands. If even one person died, I would feel terrible forever. It's still great experience, though. I'm glad you're enjoying the program even though you know that's not the particular route you want to follow.

And don't feel bad at all about what you're reading. Whatever makes you happy is all that counts. Actually, the reason I haven't mentioned what I'm reading is because I'm embarrassed (I'm afraid people will think I'm painfully boring). I've never gotten into fiction - I wouldn't even know what type interests me, so I've just been taking out books about topics that seem interesting to me. My first three books were on the melting alpine glaciers at Glacier National Park due to climate change, the latest discoveries about Neanderthals, and a book on what's been discovered about the structural and functional differences in the brains of criminal psychopaths. My current books are about black bear behavior and early human evolution. So don't ever feel bad about what you read - I'm pretty sure that anyone reading this fell asleep just reading the last two sentences of what I typed :H

Stuck - I'm glad the class is still going well and that you're putting your boss's craziness behind you. Some people are just impossible to please and/or work with and, unfortunately, there's not much you can do about it. But you seem to be in a good place with everything. I hope everything turns out ok with your girlfriend's father.

And yeah, Skull (and Ne who originally brought it up), I also tend to feel guilty over every little thing. I have to keep reminding myself that everyone makes mistakes, I'm doing my best, and more importantly that I have just as much a right as anyone else to take up space on this planet, because I often feel bad about things that I really have no need to feel bad about.

Anyway, I'm still around and reading. I've just been quiet because I've had absolutely nothing of value to say the last couple days (not that I really had anything great to say before :H) I've been feeling pretty blah. I think the bac honeymoon is over. Don't get me wrong, I'm still in total awe of the fact that I move through most days without wanting to drink and am endlessly grateful for that. But at first, living AF with the help of bac felt like entering a whole new beautiful world where every little thing that happened, like going for a walk, or having dinner with my husband, or even cleaning my house, was mind-blowingingly wonderful.

These things still make me feel good (well, outside of spending time with my husband who has been constantly working as of late and I rarely see anymore). But at the risk of sounding like an ungrateful a**hole, it's all starting to feel so ordinary and there's a vague sense of sadness/loneliness/emptiness/I don't know how to describe it.

I feel really bad about thinking this way. My life is really pretty great these days and I have nothing at all to complain about. Maybe I just need to get out of the house more and find other things to get excited about - and also find a new job. That'll be priority number one as soon as I get my license back. Anyway, that's more than enough out of me. I hope you're all having a great night :l