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[Ne/Neva Eva]

Here we go again

I'm so glad I stopped by here before I sign off this thing for the night. I am (was) sorely pissed about the fact that I got a 92 on my first exam. What is the matter with me?

I plan on using the certification to work in the ER as a tech, Lis. I may have to do some work on an ambulance, and we'll just all pray to whom/whatever that there isn't anything horrific. I much prefer an entire hospital at my back (and the simple responsibilities of a tech) to pulling someone out of...something. And it ain't the death or dying that bothers me. It's the stuff that happens to get you to there. yikes.

Anyway. Stuck, good for you for just setting it aside. I'm also glad the class is going well. Lis, you shame me with your non-fiction-self. But I have to admit, I have loved being immersed in other worlds this summer. What's new on the Neanderthal scene? Skull, I know you know how we roll.

Good night, peeps. Sleep tight.

btw, I hate it when it's too quiet in here. There are so many threads I've wanted to respond to...Don't you guys get the urge to purge (words)??? sheesh.

[StuckinLA]

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Hey people gonna die, gotta go, god bless 'em. I mean, um. I remember just about every person who died in front of me and most of the bodies I picked up. But the ambulance doesn't have to be like that and it isn't for everyone. You (any emt) can always work for a private company taking people to and from nursing homes and to dialysis or whatever. No dying, and I did that for a few years too.

And I WISH I read that much cool nonfiction, Lis! Your reading list is making me jealous!

Oh yeah, that's the other thing I wanted to say. Don't feel guilty about feeling some emptiness. That is NORMAL. New sobriety, bac or not, can be a really flat place after a long roller coaster. Even if the flatness is nice and pleasant and a well-deserved rest, it can still be... empty. Just take it easy and don't over analyze your emotions (or lack thereof). Keep on keeping on. :l

[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

Hey people gonna die, gotta go, god bless 'em. I mean, um. I remember just about every person who died in front of me and most of the bodies I picked up. But the ambulance doesn't have to be like that and it isn't for everyone. You (any emt) can always work for a private company taking people to and from nursing homes and to dialysis or whatever. No dying, and I did that for a few years too.

And I WISH I read that much cool nonfiction, Lis! Your reading list is making me jealous!

Oh yeah, that's the other thing I wanted to say. Don't feel guilty about feeling some emptiness. That is NORMAL. New sobriety, bac or not, can be a really flat place after a long roller coaster. Even if the flatness is nice and pleasant and a well-deserved rest, it can still be... empty. Just take it easy and don't over analyze your emotions (or lack thereof). Keep on keeping on. :l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

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StuckinLA;1703908 wrote:

Oh yeah, that's the other thing I wanted to say. Don't feel guilty about feeling some emptiness. That is NORMAL. New sobriety, bac or not, can be a really flat place after a long roller coaster. Even if the flatness is nice and pleasant and a well-deserved rest, it can still be... empty. Just take it easy and don't over analyze your emotions (or lack thereof). Keep on keeping on. :l

Yep. It's a breather. I know that I don't cut myself any slack about downtime, but trust me...Life has things in store and just being quiet for a while (though uncomfortable, maybe, after all the drama) is not a bad thing.

[kronkcarr]

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Lis,

I've read the book about the psychopathic brains. I found it interesting. I go to the library and walk the shelves. That's how I found Dr Ameisen's book and baclofen. Lately I'm on a book roll with mountaineering and rock climbing.

I'm excited for the day when you're able to see how really cool, unique and how much value you have. It's coming!

[skullbabyland]

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Lis- I read almost exclusively non-fiction as well. Why would you think that is boring? I could live a thousand lifetimes and still have much to learn about all the awesome stuff in this world. The world is such an amazing infinite place- there's so much to learn.

If you don't mind my saying so, it might feel good to reframe your perceptions a bit in your head- own your interests and rock em proudly! Geeky, nerdy, "boring", whatever- they're what you like and so you should like em proud and to hell with everyone else. It feels good to think of your interests that way, in my opinion.

That said, I'm talking to myself just as much as I'm talking to you- I'm often self depreciating to the point of exhaustion and it's usually needless (and I suspect, sometimes tiring to those around me).

And yep I know what you mean about how it's hard to remember sometimes, that we too deserve to be here in this world, just like anyone else. I often have to remind myself of these things. But it's true- we deserve to be here and we're fuckin' awesome just cuz we're trying to live and to live healthy.

[bkyogagurl]

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Lostinspace;1703832 wrote:
These things still make me feel good (well, outside of spending time with my husband who has been constantly working as of late and I rarely see anymore). But at the risk of sounding like an ungrateful a**hole, it's all starting to feel so ordinary and there's a vague sense of sadness/loneliness/emptiness/I don't know how to describe it.

Oh girlfriend... I think you just nailed what happens to me during my AF stints.
And now I think it's what happens during the week when I'm AF namely the loneliness....
It feels like each week it's gets a bit better. I am hoping for a AF weekend again. But by the time the weekend hits I'm ready to escape... I am very proud however that I am sticking to my AF guns Sun-TH. It's what I'm doing and at least I'm managing well during the week.
You don't sound even close to an ungrateful asshole... A real human being being honest is what I hear :l

[Lostinspace]

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Ne - I hope you know at least on some level that a 92 is a really good grade and can feel proud of that. That said, I can empathize. When I was in college, anything less than a 96 felt like a big ole F staring back at me. Isn't perfectionism wonderful? :H That's awesome that you're going to work in an ER. I really admire that. God knows we need more people who can keep their cool and really help others in crisis - and especially, someone who can empathize with alcoholics in crisis. I've been brought to the ER several times (sadly enough, I never did learn) for alcohol poisoning, drunken accidents and severe withdrawal, and I was always treated with such condescension and/or brushed off and ignored when I needed something. The medical world needs people like you

Thanks for the words of wisdom, Stuck. The emptiness probably is just a product of not having constant drama in my life anymore. It's weird how the absence of utter chaos and misery, which are familiar, can be uncomfortable sometimes, rather than being the total relief it should be. I'll try my best not to overthink things (not easy for me ).

Thanks, kronk. That's really sweet of you. And mountaineering and rock climbing are great topics. Do you do either of these? I used to do a fair amount of mountain backpacking in my 20s and also did some rock climbing with my husband when we first met. Backpacking through the mountains I loved; the rock climbing not so much. I'm scared of heights and was only doing it to impress him. It worked out at first, but on our fifth trip we did a lot harder of a climb. He was leading and I followed later, pulling the pins he placed in the rock as I came up. Well, about 20 feet or so from the top, I moved sideways over to a tiny rock ledge just big enough to sit on and stayed there bawling my eyes out for a good half hour, crying about how I was going to die. I don't think he was all that impressed by me at that point :H

Thanks for the reassurance, Skull (and everyone else). I'm not sure why I was so embarrassed of what I'm into reading. I guess it's just the usual low self-esteem. I like something, ergo it must be boring, stupid, etc. You're right, though. I should own my interests and rock my nerdiness.

I'm sorry you're feeling the loneliness, too, bk. It's funny how even though we have no more people in our lives when drinking than we do without (at least I don't), loneliness just isn't an issue when buzzed or drunk. I have to believe that it gets better. That's awesome that you're staying AF during the week. Hang in there :l

Well this week hasn't been half bad so far, work-wise. I'm happy to say I was wrong about the Fall rush beginning already. Although Fall is beginning outside. The trees are starting to turn color, which is beautiful, but depressing at the same time because of what's in store. This winter better be warmer than the last. I've had enough -10 to -17 degree days to last a lifetime! Anyway, I hope you all have a great night!

[StuckinLA]

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I could have lied, or just kept quiet, but instead I told the girl via text this morning when we chatted that I drank last night. She is not super thrilled about it. I've smoked more than a couple cigarettes inside, too, since she's been out of town. Funny and horrifying how quickly old habits return with a powerful force.

[Lostinspace]

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Don't be too hard on yourself, Stuck. Being alone and having the opportunity to drink (and smoke inside) without having to worry about anyone else getting annoyed or upset can be a powerful temptation. It's definitely easy to fall back into old habits, but you've also been doing a lot to build new habits and have had a lot of success these past couple weeks. Just keep moving forward. One night is not a big deal :l :l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

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Truth wins, Stuck. Congrats.

Good morning!

Gotta run!

:l

[Lostinspace]

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Today was not such a good day. I started craving vodka and bourbon during my lunch break, and those waxing and waning cravings continued all afternoon, so of course, I gave in. The most disturbing part to me is that, at least at first, I enjoyed the buzz just as much as I used to. The two previous times that I drank at this dose of bac, I didn't really get the same high from it. The only thing it accomplished was that it stopped my craving. Tonight was different. I felt that warm, comfy, familiar glow take over. Granted, I still didn't feel the need to drink more than the controlled amount I bought and I easily could have. Maybe not by much, but I still have that 200 ml bottle of vodka that I bought my first AF night at this dose, and I have no real desire to open it. That's still a HUGE win, no doubt.

I might be overthinking things again, but there's a part of me that can't help but think that I'm doomed to fail at some point with bac. I've had other turning points in how I approach quitting, or so I thought, after getting out of rehabs and/or detox in the past. One time it was just a forced, but attempting to be genuine, dramatic change in my attitude. It was following along CBT lines, only grander (I didn't know about CBT at the time and just read a philosophy with similar principles). You are what you think, right? Life is whatever you perceive it to be, right? I became all Pollyanna about life and "who needs alcohol?!" That lasted about a month before I crashed and burned. Another time I tried the whole marijuana maintenance thing, as I've heard it referred to. Again, weed carried me through for a while, then suddenly it wasn't good enough. I've tried other, even more out there sh*t, but I won't talk about it out of embarrassment.

The point is I've had other supposed breakthroughs, besides the 12 step crap that never helped me, where I was sure that this time really would be different. And even though almost everything in my current experience points to the fact that this is different, I'm having a very difficult time right now believing that this time really IS different. Most days, most of the time, I can't believe how little I care about alcohol. But days like today make me question everything. How can I be so indifferent most of the time, yet so dead set on drinking at other times? If it were just a drink or two, or I was doing it for social reasons, I could understand. But drinking nine shots of vodka and bourbon by myself because of cravings? That's not moderation or just enjoying the evening. That's still a small piece of madness in me that hasn't died yet.

That said, I do *mostly* believe that bac can eventually free me from cravings because of what it has already done for me. So I guess I just answered my own question in a sense. I need to go up in dose if I'm still having moments like these. I'll talk to my doctor and brace myself for the inevitability that I'll have to order online. Ugh!! And yes, I could also just take the benefit of what I've already been given and run with it. After all, I only drank three times in the last month or so, and I never once drank enough to get really drunk. But that's not good enough for me. Regardless of whether I stay completely abstinent or whether I have the occasional drink, I'd like to have the freedom of it being entirely MY (higher brain) choice and not a reactive decision.

SUMMARY: This is a bunch of mental diarrhea. I like to keep up with myself in the online journal that is my thread. Feel free to ignore.

I hope you all have a great night :l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

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That's a really excellent post and I hope you won't change a word of it.

I'm sitting down to dinner but I'll be back in the morning.

xxoo

[StuckinLA]

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^^^ What she said. That is an excellent post and I hope it remains here for people to read in the future.

I miss that warm glow of the first couple drinks. It comes and goes - sometimes things are great with a few drinks, sometimes not - both on baclofen and off, in my opinion. It must almost certainly have a lot to do with mindset. We know that alcohol amplifies rather than changes mood, and like any drug the expectations you have going in really affect the experience. When I'm worried or anxious about my drinking, the first drinks make my anxiety much worse rather than better. When I'm not thinking too much about it at all, it seems to be falling back into habit, the drinks tend to feel better.

Anyway, just sayin'. I drank 2 nights ago, and was hungover all day on Wednesday. It was a long day, but I made it, and hit my flask for a couple nips before catching the bus home. I made sure I only had $20 cash on me, so the time and drinks at the bar were limited. Yesterday was all right, teaching and whatnot, but then I went to the bar and had several drinks and came home only to pour bourbon, and drink beers, and I found myself still awake watching TV and music videos at 4am.

This meant it was 6 where my girl is, and she was getting up for another day at the hospital. I texted to wish her a good morning, thus tipping my hand that I'd been drinking all night. Oh well. Not sure how concerned or pissed or whatever she is, or if she has much time to think about it at all with everything else going on. Things with her dad are good enough that she's going to our old college town tomorrow for the football game with friends. There'll be tailgating and I'm sure she'll have some drinks and have a good time.

I'm maintaining today. Not too much drinking so far today. I slept all morning. Then at least did the dishes and cleaned the rabbit cage. That was a goddamned disaster - so much hay everywhere, and rabbit poop, and fur. There've been like a million flies in the apartment since a couple days ago. I killed a whole lot of them with Raid the other night, and had to empty their little fly carcasses out of a lamp and sweep them off the floor and I blame myself probably for letting the rabbit cage get too bad. Hay and poop must certainly be the culprit.

I'm having deja vu, maybe I wrote all about that last night? Whatever. Hope everybody's having a good one. I'm heading down to Big Bear tomorrow to spend the night with a friend who just moved there. We will go shooting at an outdoor range and then drink bourbon while talking about the Humanities Job List that comes out today, and weeping for our future prospects.

[kronkcarr]

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Lis, What a pertinent post. I still can't get over how much you've changed! I mostly don't think about drinking but, I've had times when I've had to face my habitual behaviors and change my behavior. Maybe you do need to go up in dosage.

I remembered you asked me if I mountaineered. I don't but I hiked and skied a lot when I lived out west. Now I'm in flat FL and hiking the Everglades, kayaking and running. I read those books because I'm interested in the mind sets of people who overcome physical discomfort to achieve their goals. I'm looking at trail running and ultra marathons. We'll see...

Happy weekend to all on this thread!