Here we go again

[spiritwolf333]

Well after my oodling about how great I was doing I got completely trashed on crown last night and beer the night before... Ended up calling my parents I haven't talked to for years.
Ugh... They are divorced so I even made the effort to call both of them..
I just sat there and bawled.

I feel like total emotional shit. I wanted to post yesterday but felt so guilty about drinking that I didn't.. I should have it might have saved me from last night.

When I feel like shit my doggie sleeps so close to me. She is so kind to me.

I justed needed to touch base as I'm feeling super emotional...
Thanks for being here.

Hi bky -just damn. You really are going through some tough times -or at least that is what it sounds like and I am truly sorry for you.

I apologize that I don't know your story or background, but if you are addicted to alcohol, then I can only say this; it gets much worse than this before it gets better -or even, much worse situations evolve. Please understand, this is not a judgment statement or otherwise. Once that each us ACTUALLY realize, recognize and accept that our current addiction situation is a brain dysfunction and not a choice matter, can we begin to address the issue -with medications and counseling and other.

BKY, in your post, you describe the very same experiences that I use to use to go through. The sadness, the remorse, the regret -it stinks, is painful, and seems very real. But when all is said and done, it is only our interpretation under the influence of our addictive substance that tells us how bad we are and how bad our choices have been. The addictive substance needs us to believe this in order for us to consume more so that we don't feel or think this way -at least until it wears off.

BKY, I really am sorry that you feel like shit. Most of us know exactly what you are talking about. The great news is that you do feel like shit and that you possibly want to not feel like shit tomorrow or the next day. As such, please understand that the brain is not so easily accepting of this outlook -it will want and almost require its substance to step in calm things down (or speed them up). BKY, I am sure that you already know all of this, but it is important for you to continue to remember that are solutions and help out here that can and will eventually remove this horrific disease from you.

And as far as dogs are concerned -I am convinced beyond a shadow of any doubt that they know when we are sick, upset, etc. They also know when we have been drinking and just don't know what to do to try and help see us through our recent bout. I think the only thing that they can to help us is -to just care about us and comfort us the best that they can (and hope like hell we don't mistreat them). Animals, especially dogs, can be one of our greatest gifts to a better and more solid reinvented life -if we only let them -and of course, all of this only based on my personal experience.

In Spirit -SW

[bkyogagurl]

Thanks Spirit-

I read your post 4 times now.... I got lonely and I tried to drink it away.

I would like to reach out before I drink and try to talk about the things that are honestly on my mind.
I haven't drank today....

Be back later

[StuckInCA]

Well so we went out to this huge street fair last night. The girl wanted to go because this West Hollywood halloween thing is a huge LA deal, and a friend of a mutual-friend lives a few blocks from where it is. It was a clusterf*ck. Took the bus out, but of course all the streets were closed off so we couldn't really get close and I was in a miserable mood since I didn't want to go. Plus the crowds. I was getting really anxious and feeling awful. We got to this restaurant and had a beer, and anxiety hit like nothing else and I'm standing there thinking my god, am I going to need an ambulance and cause a huge scene and f*cking die right now? So I had a whiskey and felt better. A pretty good burger for dinner, and more whiskeys. And suddenly sitting out on this patio with a great view of the people walking past in their costumes, and having easy access to a bathroom and a waitress bringing whiskey on command, life wasn't so bad. Man, we spent a lot of money. Then we walked through the crowd and it was packed and ridiculous and people were getting near crushed and tiny girls were freaking out, like a damned mosh pit all of a sudden. Anyway so we get to this guy's apartment and we were going to go up and have some drinks, and his husband, who stayed in 'cause he wasn't feeling well, said we couldn't come up. Like he couldn't just go in the bedroom and close the door or something. So we were kind of out of luck, and walked up to the Sunset Strip - another famous LA scene - and sat down for a couple drinks and a slice of pizza, then hit up another famous place and can you guess I was pretty drunk at that point, and it started raining hard and we had no idea how we were going to get home, couldn't find a cab or anything. Finally caught a bus.

That was my night, and tonight there's a friend's housewarming party. I'm fairly worn out by now. So that was all about me. I'm totally reading and keeping up with you Lis - hope things are getting better at home and hope you had a nice day.

BK, hang in there sweetie. Keep coming back, writing, and reach out here or wherever. I probably won't be back on tonight, but there's always someone around, even on the general discussion threads if you don't mind talking to those folks. Stay strong, we're pulling for you.

[StuckInCA]

Oh and yes, your puppy is super adorable, Ne. Can't let the girl see her - she already wants to get a puppy.

[bkyogagurl]

Stuck- good to here about your outing and your anxiety dissipating. I love hearing about the time you and your girl spend together. It's refreshing. Thanks for pulling for me.

I am half way scared to see what Ne will say...

I didn't drink tonight. I am looking forward to a sober morning and week. I would like to stay sober thru the weekend. Would be so nice to get a weekend AF again.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

She IS super adorable, isn't she? And finally becoming not a total nightmare. (Ed and I are apparently in the minority in that we are not particularly fond of puppies. Ed simply says, "Puppies suck." And he's right.)



I read Spirit's post before I went to bed and it made me chuckle. We watched a sad movie last night and it made me cry. (The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Loved it.) Puppy was not fazed. She really could not have cared less. Our old dog (the Goose) would have been beside her neurotic self, trying to crawl into my lap and make everything better. This one? Not so much. Honestly, it was nice to be able to tear up without worrying about the dog. haha.



Stuck, make no mistake. Puppies really suck. It's not the learning to pee outside, or the chewing. They don't know anything. And everything is on their terms. (Clearly, I don't have kids!) They put everything in their mouths, love to bite human flesh, jump with abandon...We go to puppy training classes, puppy day care when we have long days away from home, and spend many hours everyday seeing to her training and general welfare. Keep it in mind! (On the other hand, they start to turn into actual companions when they turn about 6 months old, which ours is now. It's a huge difference. I am really liking her. Of course, I was in love the minute we saw her, but like is a whole 'nother level.)



That isn't to say that they aren't huge comfort when things are rough. My dogs kept me sane when I was losing it, right before I went to rehab in 2005. I went on the condition that my parents agreed to watch them for the 6 weeks I was gone. It turned into 4 months, because I lived with relatives after and couldn't have the dogs. I am still in their debt about that.



I didn't go up for the weekend. Too much school work, and I studied for a good 7 hours yesterday. It was wonderful, and the right decision. Still...ouch.



Lis, I'm really sorry about your husband's reaction. I wrote a long post about it yesterday and deleted it. I think it's one of those things that you might want less of my thoughts on, and more of your own. Suffice it to say that his reaction is normal. I hope you can keep the dialogue open. It would be really important for him to understand that while his anger and frustration are understandable, they really undermine everything--your recovery, the relationship, the ability for both of you to be honest and open about your experiences and feelings. :hug: sister.



And :hug: to you, too, BK. You're in a really rough place. That can be a catalyst to changing things. Not that it should make you feel any better right now, except I want you to know that things can change for the better. It's a really tough road, too. But in my opinion, infinitely better than the anguish that comes with drinking.



I'm with Spirit on this one aspect. I've wanted to post about it before, but don't know what to say without hurting feelings. Any kind of "management" never worked for me. I tried many things over the course of two decades...Moderation, limiting days or amounts or kinds of booze. Didn't work.



What I know now is that the disease doesn't get better on it's own. As Spirit pointed out, booze feeds it even though it temporarily diminishes the pain. Making the choice to go completely AF, and revolving every decision around that, is one way to treat it. I think it's the only way available without meds.



That never worked for me either, but it clearly works for some people. You can see evidence of it in the General Discussion forum. (Though I would bet that the majority of people who are successfully [contentedly] sober, regardless of their philosophical approach to sobriety, take medications. And many probably take more than one. It might not be specific to treating alcoholism, but that doesn't mean it's not helping them stay sober. Something to keep in mind.)



I would also bet that many of them exercise. Many probably also pray or something akin to that, like meditation. (See Stuck's post on the topa thread.) And they all revolve their lives around this primary decision--they want to change their lives.



It's a huge and challenging commitment. But worth it, in my opinion.



Okay, enough of a lecture (of sorts) from me.



I love it when DST ends, but now it's officially 5:30am. Where did the extra hour go??? Oh, yeah. I slept. A good night's sleep is a wonderful thing.



Love and hugs all the way around.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Also, please notice, no apologies for the breadth of my post. It's annoying me that you guys keep apologizing for posting long posts. (And they're not even long!) Then I realize that I do it every single day. No more apologies, people! We have this one safe place to share the burdens. Let's use it.

(You can check the box marked "remember me" so you don't get timed out.)

[Lostinspace]

Bk - I'm sorry you had a rough couple days. Please don't let that make you feel guilty or feel weird about coming here. We all understand, and we're all here to help. Plus, you've still come a long way. Nothing can take that progress away from you just because you drank an extra day this week, and more than you intended. I'm sorry you feel so shitty right now, but please give yourself a break. Staying AF the rest of the weekend is a good starting plan. You really will beat this. You're motivated and you never stop trying. Just keep on keeping on :hug:

Stuck, I don't know how you manage living in a big city. I get anxious just hearing about, and imagining, those crowds, because I'm the same way. I get so easily overwhelmed when there are too many people around. Sorry Halloween night didn't turn out the way you were expecting. I hope last night was a little more relaxed.

Ne, I'm sure you're right about puppies being hard in the beginning, but I still can't help but be a little jealous. My husband and I don't see eye to eye on wanting a dog, so we don't have one And I know his anger with me is understandable, but the nastiness of his reaction makes me want to be open with him even less. It shouldn't matter now that I'm not drinking, though. And you're right - we should all stop apologizing for long posts! I'm sorry you didn't get out yesterday, but it sounds like you had a really productive day with homework and that at least helps to lower the stress of school.

I did stay AF yesterday. I don't want to freak myself out by making a goal that's too big, but for now, I'm shooting for an AF November. I've managed to stay sober for a month before, and that was before bac, when I had no help at all with cravings. At least I'm getting a good deal of help with that now, even if I haven't reached indifference yet. There's no reason I can't do this. I'll see how it goes. I hope you all have a good one :hug:

[Ne/Neva Eva]

You don't have to count 'em to appreciate that one day at a time is a good philosophy for almost every goal.

Nice day, Lis. Hope you're feeling better, bkyoga, and that you're day isn't onerous, Stuck.

One of the reasons I didn't go away is because I'm meeting friends for an art festival today. I could have given that up rather than going to spend a last weekend at my parent's house. But it feels more important to say yes to the future (and friends and a life here) than to say good-bye to a place I'm moving on from. Even though that's not what I wanted to do.

Taking the pup out in blustery, cold weather because of you people. 30 minutes. Raised heart rate. Will do.

Chow.

[spiritwolf333]

One of the reasons I didn't go away is because I'm meeting friends for an art festival today. I could have given that up rather than going to spend a last weekend at my parent's house. But it feels more important to say yes to the future (and friends and a life here) than to say good-bye to a place I'm moving on from. Even though that's not what I wanted to do.

Taking the pup out in blustery, cold weather because of you people. 30 minutes. Raised heart rate. Will do.

Chow.

Hi Ne, sorry that you had to make the difficult choice of being with or without family or deciding to be only with friends (or other). Saying yes to the future and ignoring the past can sometimes be helpful. This can always be a difficult decision for some -for some reason.

And wow, what a great avatar -your dog. Was this a rescue dog? He/she is a beautiful animal. Also sounds like your dog did not recognize your sadness or joy regarding the movie -too bad (lol).

[StuckInCA]

Hey there, guys n' gals. Can you guess how my night went? This being the friend with the million bottles of Irish whiskey at his house, I made it a point to drink as much from as many of them as I could. Feeling a little rough this morning, and there's an added hour this morning it seems just to make the hangover stretch out even longer.

I too am thinking that an AF November would be nice. I'm not sure how I feel about saying that out loud, since then it seems like there might be weird feelings if one of us slips or decides to give up halfway through or whatever. But I've done 30 days before plenty of times, and longer, and without medication. Of course, I'm also thinking at the same time that a few bloody marys would fix up this day right quick. So that's where I'm at.

And yeah, Ne, speaking of the topa thread, writing for 20 minutes every day does help people mentally and physically. I teach writing, and I'm always telling my students that you never sit down to write what you already know, because you learn new things about whatever topic you're writing about *through* writing about it. Writing isn't a report, but a way to produce new knowledge. So I can only guess that keeping a journal helps people understand their own thoughts and feelings and experiences, and putting it down on paper probably externalizes some of the stresses of the crap we're dealing with. And externalizing that stress is probably what helps with anxiety, etc. Again I wish I could find the link to that study...

Also that's to say yes, stop apologizing for long posts. If you're not keeping a diary, you've got this space here, and you can write a whole bunch and it's helpful for all of us, both reading and writing. And with that, I'm out. Gotta finish up an application today. Ugh.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Thanks, Stuck. It was really great to read all of that. More in the morning, of course.

[bkyogagurl]

Hi all-

Just checking in.. I am trying to feel better. I woke up this morn with anxiety like I drank last night?? It's almost like my body was expecting to be hungover. I feel a little discombobulated. So weird.. I think a walk or run could have done me some good. But I just don't feel like doing that right now. Watching football.
I thought not drinking last night would make such a better day. I think with the added emotional element it could have tired me out more than I realized. I could have stayed in bed all day today and I was on the couch all day yesterday...

I realize it takes a few days for everything to settle down. At least I will start the week out better because I will have 2 sober days before it starts. I will take trazadone tonight seems to help with anxiety. I don't take it when I drink because it makes me tired and I don't want to not be able to wake up if I mixed them.

Ne- I feel I could be in for a change.. Me calling my parents after years was what I am hoping is a release.. I don't want to rejuvenate a relationship with either of them tho. My dad called me the next morn and was indifferent. As soon as I heard his voice I started crying and he said for me to call him when I was less hungover.. I think it was hard for him to hear my pain.. And know he has contributed to it... I know now my choices are my own & I have to push thru feelings I have. I have started skimming thru your thread from the beginning..

Lis- I will stay close and keep posting.. It keeps my anxiety lower. So glad you had your AF night. It sure feels better when you wake up. Sometimes. I hope your husband has come around and is being nicer. I am on the fence as to whether I will tell my husband about my mishap. I considered talking with him about Bac but he is super anti-meds so not sure what to do.

Stuck- you make me feel normal. Writing is a fabulous way to release feelings... I like the thought of new knowledge.


Be back soon...

[Lostinspace]

I'm sorry you felt you had to choose one or the other, Ne, but it is important to focus on the future.

Stuck, I'm in for an AF November whether one of us is imperfect or not. It's the goal that's important.

Bk - I'm sorry you're feeling so crappy still. It definitely can take a few days to feel right again. Hang in there.

Sorry to be short. I'll be back with more tomorrow. I haven't been feeling able to post tonight, but figured I would check in real quick. I did stay AF another day. That's about all I got for now. I hope you all have a great night :hug:

[Roadside]

Yogagirl, it saddens me to hear of your lack of parental support; for anyone to say 'call back when [you are] less hung over' is very callous but just remember everyone is fighting their own battle. Your battle right now is to take care of yourself, take care of your body, even when you don't feel like it because we all feel like we are not worthy at some point or another. Recognize these thoughts of worthlessness are irrational; it is important to take care of yourself. What YOU will be benefitting are YOUR future generations. My father had pained relationships with his parents; they were not good parents or grandparents. Fortunately, he held it together enough for ME not to propagate some of those scars and no matter how imperfect my father, I am grateful for what he was capable of. So you can get past this for yourself and for the future. Also remember, sometimes the eat families are the ones you create by choice. Wishing you positive thoughts....

Roadside