Here we go again

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Morning, everybody!
I have class at 8am on Mondays and keep forgetting the fact. I need to get ready soon, but wanted to post. It's a nice way to start my day.
My friends decided not to go at the last minute. I decided to go anyway, because I just really want to get involved here and meet some new people, do some new things, until something clicks. It turned out really well. It was a work function for Ed, and I spent the entire afternoon with the woman who runs the marketing department. Because she's in marketing, I met a ton of people. Really hit it off with her husband, too. I think we'll invite them over for dinner sometime soon. How cool is that?

Bkyoga, that parental stuff is so damn hard. I've definitely been there. Especially with my dad. We're close now, but I can still see how my relationship with them, and him in particular, is always going to be rooted in some really dysfunctional stuff. I hope there is some catharsis for you in reaching out to them. That was a really thoughtful post from Roadside.

Speaking of writing, When I was about 20, I spent several days writing and rewriting a letter to my parents. (On a typewriter! ha.) Somehow, and I can't even explain it, I worked out whatever it was that I needed, and woke up on day 4 clear of mind and able to move on. I tore up the letter(s) so I have no idea what happened, but I carry some of the thoughts with me to this day. The big realization was that our relationship had a pattern, and that in order to move on, I just needed to change my own little part in the pattern.

I also like the idea of an abstinent November. Also, the idea of exercising for 30 minutes everyday, at whatever level. I'm counting posting here as writing/journaling!

Lis, I'm really glad you posted. Thank you.

I'm late, again. Peace out peeps.

[bkyogagurl]

Just wanted to check in... I'm still an emotional mess.. I hate calling myself that but it's what it feels like..
Haven't drank...

Thanks for the support... Roadside I will be printing your post and adding it to my journal stuff.

I reached out to my counselor and will start working wih her again to help me find a way thru this. It's going to be intense I have feeling.. Counseling always stirs up a bunch of stuff.

I would love to try an AF November too but to be honest... I'm scared I won't come thru... But all I can do is try..

Funny Ne you mention writing letters to your parents... That is exactly what my counselor suggested in her lengthy response to my first email...
*sigh* all this emotional work feels so hard... I know it will be worth it...

Lis- I too am trying to stay present here even if I think my own thoughts aren't worth posting.. You talking about this has almost given me permission to feel safe here to post as I feel. Thank you. Wanna do another sober day with me?
Be back after this storm blows over...

[Lostinspace]

Ne, that's awesome that you still went, even though your friends cancelled last minute. Putting yourself out there and meeting new people can be so hard, but it sounds like you had a good time.

I'm sorry you're still having such a rough time, bk, but happy to see you're still posting. I will definitely be joining you for another sober day. And you don't have to make a commitment for a full month; whatever you want to shoot for is a good goal. I just picked November for myself because I like the idea of starting something fresh on the first of the month. That's great that you're gonna go back into counseling to help work through some of the more painful things. It can be a tough process, but worth it if it helps give you a clearer perspective and to move on from things that are holding you back.

As far as starting on bac, I know the conversation with husbands can be really difficult. It took me months to approach the subject with mine. How much does he know about what your drinking is like these days? Does he know most of the story or are you hiding a lot? If you explain to him what's been going on for you, that you want to do something to further your goals, and share some of the research that's been done on bac, he may be more understanding.

As much as it has brought on some difficulties for us, I'm glad I finally had the talk with my husband. He isn't anti-meds in general, like yours is, but he's very much against me ordering extra bac to boost what I get from my doctor. He hasn't changed his mind about that since our talk, but he does accept that I'm just doing what I think is best for me, and that the very slow acceptance of HDB in the US is a major barrier to me getting the dose I need to reach indifference through my doctor. I'm hoping that with time, the benefit will become self-evident and he'll come to agree with my decision.

Anyway, I made it through another day without drinking. I originally had a long rant typed out here, but decided to spare you all, and came back to delete it. I hope you're all having a great night out there!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

I have refrained, up until this point, from commenting on the new format. Change is hard! But I decided last night that I really dislike the way the posts are column size. Columns are ugly and hard to read.



Stuck, limbo can be miserable. My often wise father has always said that you can't make a decision until you have all of the information. Man, though, I hate not being able to just make a decision: right, wrong or indifferent. Is Chicago the goal? Or is it just the positions you're hoping to get and the location is irrelevant?



Bk, working through that stuff is really hard, and probably has very little long term effect on ability to stay sober, BUT it is very, very cathartic.



Lis, I love rants.



I am on fire about that video that was posted on the other thread. I hope you guys can get the chance to watch it. Even more, I hope you can convince your husbands to watch it. It basically sums up what addiction actually is, takes it out of the dark, and makes it all accessible. It's not that I haven't read what he's saying, repeatedly. You can find that information just about everywhere when you start to read the actual research about addiction. Unfortunately it's hidden in plain sight. So it's really great to have it summed up in an hour long presentation. It's the single biggest frustration in my life (seriously) that somehow people obfuscate the truth about the disease. (I'll save the rant I wrote about it for my journal. ha.)



I read several more papers (research and magazine articles) about exercise yesterday. While I'm really clear that it's not going to singlehandedly solve addiction, I am totally and completely clear that it makes a huge difference in well being. No more excuses from me about this. I need a goal! Any suggestions? I don't have any interest in competing, and I will never be able to run long distances (nor do I want to). It can't be about weight loss, either.



I'm going to hermetically seal my study today so I can smoke in there without infecting the whole house. It's disheartening to acquiesce to the addiction, but I'm not willing to completely discombobulate my life right now. I am scared (pffft) that would happen if I quit. I hate being scared of stuff, but this one seems like a rational decision for right now. (Or a cop out? Whatever.)



Congratulations on the AF time, guys. I'm really glad you guys are doing it together, too. I agree that a blip doesn't matter. It's the big picture that matters. (And I think we are all clear that if you think a blip ruins everything then it just gives a reason to keep going. Right? Hello, chocolate chip cookies for breakfast, lunch and dinner. And yes, I do that. I'll fill up on 'em as a snack and won't be hungry for real food at meal times. I really should stop making them.)



Hope it's a good day, folks.

[StuckInCA]

Hey all. No - blips don't matter! We're just in this to have a goal I think? I have not told the girl that I'm planning a period of continuous AF time, but that isn't a big deal. Neither did I go to the AA meeting last night. I listened to news talk radio instead, and then played a video game.

I don't know what the goal is, Ne. I want time to write. That's probably the single most important thing, especially now that I'm actually almost disciplined enough to pull off writing. I've wasted so, so, so much time over the years, and not *just* by drinking. But by avoiding the day-in-day-out grind of writing and reading and actually making progress toward longer-termed goals. Whether it was by working massive amounts of overtime at jobs I hated, or always hanging around other people who didn't share my interests, I never made myself work on the things that really mattered. Now I actually do that, most days, and I protect my work time but I'm not good at balancing more than 1 project at a time.

So I want time to finish my novel and start the next one.

Location doesn't really matter. And these applications are like fire-and-forget. I send one out and then completely forget about it and readjust my entire life plan around the next application. Since all of these are so impossibly competitive, I don't even bother hoping for any specific one. But yes, Chicago would be awesome. I'm applying for several on the east coast. And there's one year-long fellowship and a tenure-track job that are both within 2 hours of Boston, so if I happened to get both of those we could work that out. I'd rather do that than Philadelphia, though one of the tenure track jobs I've put in for is near there.

Anyway, that's enough about all that crap. It IS difficult to make decisions without all the information - and when things are this up in the air, Jesus. She's working temp status, I'm completely unsure of what my opportunities will be, if any. And I think she is WAY more comfortable with all of this than I am. I'd love to say I'm a real cool, laid-back guy who's up for anything. But that just isn't the case.

As for exercise, what do you like to do, Ne? There's bicycling. Or swimming. Or yoga. You could do any number of the martial arts that've popped up in the past decade. Those last 2 involve money and a membership somewhere. But so do weights unless you happen to have a decent weight set at home. Depending on the money situation, I would pick some kind of membership program for something that looked fun - indoors or outdoors - and sign up for that. It would be a chance to get out of the house a couple times a week, and socialize a tiny bit, and have someone/thing to be accountable to.

Well I'm off to catch up on the last couple days' worth of dishes, and tidy up around the house while the girl's at work, and finish off this next application. Peace out, peeps!

[Lostinspace]

Ne - I tried to view that video last night, but it wouldn't load for some reason, so I gave up. But I'll try again tonight. Your endorsements have me very curious. As far as exercise goes, do you have any mountains or really hilly spots around where you live? Hiking can be an amazingly good exercise. Walking up steep, uneven terrain can get your heart pumping almost as fast as running does if you really push yourself. Plus, you get to be outside instead of staring at a tv on a wall in a gym somewhere.

And yes, Stuck, we're in this for the goal - blips don't matter. That's a lot of pressure to be under with not knowing even where you're going to live next year, let alone what job you'll have. The fact that you're worried makes you normal; it doesn't mean you're not a laid-back kind of guy. Your girlfriend's probably more comfortable with the situation because she has faith in you and your talents, and doesn't struggle with self-doubt over it. Either that, or she's one of those rare, mysterious creatures who doesn't seem to experience anxiety.

Bk - I'm glad you've been able to do some work with your counselor, even if it's painful at first. Chocolate is definitely a wonderful cure-all, though I hope you're doing well otherwise.

So I went up to 200 mg today. I had a much easier time passing up drinking today than I did yesterday, even though I had a similarly stressful day at work, complete with another panic attack this afternoon. But it's probably a coincidence. It usually takes a few days to see any real effect from a dose change - or so people say. I'm not sure that's been my experience, but I don't want to say that this dose is an improvement for me after only a single day. Anyway, I hope you guys have a great night!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Just a fly-by from me to say good night. 8:51pm and I can finally go to bed!
I don't think I've had a good night sleep in a couple of days. The culprit? Nicotine patches. I love them because they keep the beast at bay when I really can't or shouldn't smoke. But I've got to give them up. What's worse is that I had a dull ache in my chest all day yesterday. Very uncomfortable...Also a bit worrisome. I know I can be a bit of a worrier (hahaha) but it was...worrisome. I put one on this morning and within an hour had the same chest pain. I have to quit smoking, y'all. I'm literally too old to play around with this stuff anymore. My grandmother had her first heart attack in her 50s! (She had her second in her 70s and still lived to 85, when she died from a rare lung cancer as a direct result of smoking.) aaaaaaaaargh. I'm going to drop it, but I just want you to know that I get what it is to give something up that feels like a choice between life and death. Or death and life. The difference is that smoking doesn't f*ck up my entire life the way booze did, ya' know? Anyway. I'm going to bed early-ish and that's why.

More in the morning. xo

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Stuck, I can't for the life of me understand why you would want to go from sunny, temperate CA to all those dreadfully cold places. There are smart people outside of New England and Chicago. Maybe? Oregon. Virginia? oh wow. That would be cool. Hey, how about Baltimore? I know you're not choosing based on locale, but I vote for Baltimore.

[StuckInCA]

Well if you're not drinking after hearing the election results, I don't know what's wrong with you.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Ack. Politics is definitely one of those things in which I am not paying too much attention in order to save my own sanity. It is what it is, and I have literally no effect on the outcome. (Sad but true.)



Bk, I hope you'll plug along. My experience with good therapy is that things get harder before they get better. And also, when it seems like it's not doing anything or is worthless, THAT is when the work needs to be done. Seriously. And I'm a self-appointed professional-therapy-pro. (Mom's a psychologist and I've been in and out of therapy for 30 years...Ever since I discovered booze and boys that long ago summer. Little did they know! )



Stuck, she's just uprooted her life and made the firm decision to follow you to your next step. It's understandable why she's not stressing the way you are. I'm not trying to add undue pressure! My guess is that her rootlessness makes it easier for her to go with the flow for the moment.



The video: You should know it's a presentation and not a particularly compelling one. But the info is all there and it's vital. Maybe, if there are lurkers around here still, they will, too. I think it might be hard to watch for people who don't know they have a heretofore incurable brain dysfunction. But (we all know) acceptance of truth is the first step to good things. It's in every philosophical teaching since time out of mind.



Thanks for the suggestions, everybody. I'm thinking 5k. No hills, much less mountains. Very little forests. (I'm on the coast, 2 minutes from the beach.) I'm also joining the gym and getting a trainer today, so that I can start lifting the heavy weights the right way.



If the sale of my parent's property goes through, there will be too much work to do for the next ten days. Good stuff, but yikes!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Lis, I always noticed changes immediately when I changed my dose. I know there's some science-y stuff somewhere about why this should not happen. But it was very definitely my experience.

[Lostinspace]

That's really scary that you're having chest pains, Ne. The patches could definitely be causing that since nicotine is a stimulant, after all. Quitting smoking is really hard, but worth it. If it makes you feel any better, I'm only four weeks in (I think - I haven't exactly been keeping track) and I've already kicked the habit part. I no longer have that restless hands, don't know what to do with myself, kind of feeling. Most of the time, it doesn't even occur to me to reach for a smoke at certain times of day that were really difficult at first (like right after a meal). No pressure, of course. But I feel terrible because I get the sense that my initial difficulties with quitting have put you even further off the idea. It sucks a lot at first, but it really doesn't take all that long to get better.

Oh, I did see the video. I really like the clear way he explained everything and it rang true to me. But I have to say, I was a little disappointed in the conclusion. Not only did he not mention medication, he made no mention of the myriad other ways that people can develop coping skills outside of the one way he talked about. Oh well. I guess I'm being too picky. There's no one talk that will ever address the very wide scope of this problem. He did a good job of explaining the basic neurochemical dysfunction involved, and that's a good start towards helping people understand.

So I had another AF day, although today, it was nowhere near as easy. Even on day five without alcohol, I've been unable to rekindle the magic, and relative indifference, that I felt for so long when I first got up to 160 mg. I guess the cravings are just gonna be bouncing up and down from day to day until I make it up to the right dose.

I got my first package from River today. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by it all. Now that I'm gonna get at least part of my total dose from a pharmacy that takes a couple weeks to fill my "prescription," rather than 20 minutes, I'm going to have to be really on the ball about keeping track of how much I have left, when to place the next order, etc. I'll figure it out somehow. Anyway, I hope you guys have a great night :hug:

[StuckInCA]

I'd suggest making two lists, Lis. One to remember when you need to order again for the supplemental, and one to tell you when you "should" be out of your script. That way you can go in for refills on time.

It was the govenors' races that got to me, but that's all I'm going to say about politics. And no, no I did not drink last night. I went to bed and slept not great but OK. I guess. Not feeling it today, though. I feel like drinking and I'm not sure I won't. So I'm going to sign off and get back to grading papers and I'll talk to ya'll tomorrow. Hope it's a good night, everybody.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

I really can't talk about politics. I pretend indifference, but it's not the truth. I am so relieved that I voted. Not that it really mattered, but it looks as though one of our races is within the margin of error (20,000 votes) and I'd feel like a heel had I not, and I almost didn't.

My decision not to try to quit smoking right now has less to do with you than with all the other things I know about it. (You're not the first, by any stretch. It was seriously awesome that you quit.) Quitting smoking is the single best thing I could do for my health and well-being but it's too hard and too scary for right now. 6 months of depression was enough. I'm not willing to tempt that again. Plus, my resources in terms of will power and decision making are taxed as it is. I am actively worried about my heart health, though, so it's definitely moved up in the queue of things I need to do.

I have a baseline, Lis, of amount of baclofen I need on hand. I never go below that number. It's based on what it would take for us to titrate down safely. You have a bit more flexibility since you have access to a legitimate prescription. I think you can put that worry aside for the moment and see how this month goes. That's not to say it shouldn't be managed, but if you titrate up the way you've been doing, it won't become an emergency situation. Keep in mind that SEs show up for many people in the high 200s. No need to rush things now. In my humble opinion. (That wasn't my experience. I had terrible SEs below 100 mg, and then again over 260 mg. It was never an easy experience for me, though I've posted repeatedly about why I think that is so I won't belabor the point here.)

Hi Bk. :hug:

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Stuck, there really is a reason that I stopped reading and listening to things that stress me out. The way I understand this brain dysfunction is that small stressors aren't managed in a normal way. I can't separate the things that can be managed vs the things that really can't and shouldn't. I internalize ALL of it, and it makes me more anxious, more unable to discern what is really in my realm of influence. I see this over and over again in posts on this forum. It's also backed up by the science about anxiety disorders.

I'm not suggesting you (or I) should care less. I am suggesting that the only way I can navigate treacherous waters, without undermining my equilibrium, is to limit my intake of things that distress me.

(EDIT to delete the political commentary.)

Here's the point: we have limited resources, mental and emotional as well as physical. Protect yours. I wouldn't ask you to give up Wallace, but there has to be some delineation in order to use what you have for the things that will actually get you to your goals. I hope that's not a lecture. I feel like I'm often lecturing again. If that's the case, sorry. And will someone send me an email to that effect? Or just post it here. I'm fine with that.