Here we go again

[StuckInCA]

Hi Fred,

Did you get caught up with the new site password thing too? Anyway, yes, I'm *about* that age (35), and yes I've been in school far too long and not long enough. My PM inbox is always open.

[StuckInCA]

Growing up, I loved systems and regulations and certifications for certain skills, the kinds of things that you could learn and then perform and they'd have an effect in the real world. I didn't understand it at the time, but I liked authority. I wanted there to be some kind of meaning that would be dictated to me, and then I could fit into my proper place.

College knocked some of that out of me, but really it wasn't until I was a firefighter and a paramedic that I really realized what was going on. The authorities are all just assholes like us. I wore a uniform everyday, and people looked at me like I could help them. People in actual distress, having asthma attacks, heart attacks, people who were dying actually improved, physically, just because I walked into the room. And they 'knew' they were in good hands. But those hands were shaking, and I didn't fucking know what to do any more than anyone else knew what to do. The only thing I was certain of is that sometimes there is nothing that anyone can do.

After that, everything turned to shit. I don't like flying because the guy maintaining the airplane is just some schmuck. The pilot is probably drunk or hungover or simply incompetent because commercial flying is the least common denominator when it comes to piloting. I don't like healthcare because doctors are ignorant of most things, too busy to stay up on the research, and usually paid for by the pharmaceutical industry. They don't know a damned thing, and even if they did we're all dying anyway.

There is no meaning, and no one up there who could even pretend to tell us there's a meaning. And my afternoon is going to be spent with students, while I drink my bottle of orange juice filled with vodka, acting as though I am that authority figure, the one who can make sense of college and life and the whole purpose behind why they're here.

[Lostinspace]

bk - thanks for checking in to let us know you're alright

Stuck - I don't even know where to begin. First off, I'll agree that just because someone is in a position of authority, does not mean they are to be trusted. Then, I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time :hug: I must say though, I don't see anything in what you've typed that would even begin to hint at you being a terrible person or a "waste of space." You're an amazing human being who happens to be struggling with drinking right now, just like everyone else here either is, or has in the not too distant past. You needed a morning off to deal with this; it's not the end of the world by any means!

Your girlfriend told you she loves you because she obviously sees something wonderful in you, just like we do. Whether you were drunk at the time or not doesn't matter. Actually, the fact that she would say that when you're drunk just goes to show what a great person you are. I can promise you my husband has never once had something positive to say to me when I was visibly intoxicated.

And so you didn't want to go to your friend's poetry reading. That doesn't make you a bad person, either. I wouldn't want to sit around listening to dozens of amateurs read their poems, just to get to my friend's, which I've already heard, either. Especially when you've shown that friend support in her work countless times and she doesn't return the favor. That's quite understandable.

I hope you can forgive yourself and go easy on yourself. Falling back into drinking is the name of the game with us. Treat yourself nicely tonight. If you can, try to drink only what you have to to stay safe (i.e. withdrawal free) and try as best you can to taper down. I know, MUCH easier said than done. If you can't manage it? NO BIG DEAL. Try again. Then in the meantime, can you get an appointment with your doctor to get some more Ativan, or something else, that could help you to detox?

I know how painful withdrawal is, and how much it sucks to have to drink at work, whether you want to or not. All I can do is to give you massive :hug: over the Internet. Please take care of you.

Well, I had another day of drinking. I can't even blame it on stress. I can't say why hundreds of our samples were not yet ready to be processed and analyzed, without revealing the exact industry I work in, but I got off easy for once during this busy season. I drank just because. What does that even mean?! Oh well, in the spirit of not being a hypocrite of everything I said earlier, and being supportive to Stuck, I'll just say that sometimes, sh*t happens. I hope you all have a great night :hug:

[Lostinspace]

My husband has once again figured out that I've been drinking tonight. I don't get it. For months, I drank at this level. He never once had a problem with me or my behavior. Ever since I confided in him that I was still having problems with drinking, and that I was going up in dose on bac, he now monitors my behavior like a policeman. It's uncomfortable and I hate it. He won't talk to me at all right now. Why? I didn't do or say anything offensive. He just got the sense that I've been drinking. So he's punishing me by withholding love and all attention. I really hate him for this.

[Lostinspace]

Oh, one last post before I go to bed. I won't be around tomorrow, so I hope you all have a great Thursday. I'll be at my 5 hour pre-licensing course - that is if my husband is still willing to drive me there :/ Anyway, see you all on Friday.

[bkyogagurl]

Boy o boy.... Stuck are you having a BK moment??

Hmmm... worthless waste of space... I can think of a few people around here that I would definitely label and tattoo as a worthless waste of space and I hope they are reading...

But you- my very awesome friend are NOT one of them... You are one of my very best friends here who has held me up time and again answering my sobby PMs no matter how ridiculous they may seem. You Buddie. Do realize how many times your posts alone have lifted my day and helped me make better decisions? A lot. You have always made me feel normal and provided a safe landing board for me as well as very wise insight... That I trust.
Ok that's probably enough of that al though I could go on and on....

I just want you to know that I/we appreciate you... I may not be as well spoken as Ne & Lis but know this comes from the heart... Take care of you my friend.
I'm always here if you need me.

Lis- the husband I own has done the very same thing to me in the past when I would drink heavily.. And I imagine if I got drunk enough he might do it again.. I prepare for it and if I decide I'm getting that drunk I hide.. Or pretend to go to bed til he falls asleep..
However I think you probably are only mildly intoxicated and it bugs him he can't help control you. When my husband just accepted me for who I am no matter what I am doing it was easier to cut back on drinking... But when he was trying to rule me with a heavy hand I gave him the finger and drank more. The more compassion he shows the easier it is for me...
I hope that your husband can learn this earlier than later cause I think it would beneficial to your recovery... I could never hide my drinking.. Have you ever thought about just being honest with him? You are doing the best you can I know you are... I hope he will be kind to you because you deserve it... Good luck on your drivers course..

Ne... How are ya girlfriend? Did you get lost under a pile of books? I sure hope your anxiety has retreated... So stressful dealing with move and I hope it is going better than expected.
I'm thinking of you.. I think about you a lot when I am dealing with a tough question and I try to imagine how you might answer. I know you are loaded down with stuff right now but if you wanted any help putting together a training plan for a 5k I would be happy to help. And virtual train with you.

Hi there Dizzy!!

Just like always during the week all is well in BK land... Haven't drank since Saturday but the husband asked me if I would like to go to Sushi .. I said no I want to go a nice steakhouse... I will have a nice bottle of wine. I'm sure. I have thought about drinking but not craved it necessarily.. Thoughts about it have been pretty easy to bat away. I love connecting with my kiddos when I am not under the influence. Being a mom is definitely a challenge for me and the little patience that resides in me...As it is with most... I always hate seeing those Mary Poppins type moms who appear perfect and do everything perfect... Not a hair out of place..
Just a spoonful of sugar.... Blah..

HA!

Good night my sweet friends...:hug::hug::hug:
I am so lucky to have you guys..

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Good morning, everyone.



Dizzy, I don't have night terrors, but I did when I was getting sober. Unbelievably awful! I'm really glad you've found a productive way to deal with them. I used to sing to myself all of the time. And had several mantras I used, and jokes or thoughts that I'd read on MWO that I used to keep me from going over the edge in the middle of the night. I hope it gets better for you soon.



I actually wish I still had those kind of self soothing habits. They would come in incredibly handy and definitely make life, all of it, more manageable. Even more fun.



I am back at home and thankful beyond description to wake up in my own bed this morning. It was a really trying week, for so many reasons. My mom starts drinking very early in the day. It's new behavior, and very concerning. The place is (still) a shambles, and the sale doesn't seem to me to be very...legit.



Got home very late last night and woke up an hour late. Praising the universe for a cup of fully caffeinated coffee with actual cream in it...And my professor cancelled our 12 hour clinical today. Ed's response? "You're walking around with a horse-shoe up your ass right now." And I am.



I wish I could share some of my luck. Sounds like we need some extra to go around. But here's some words to fill the gap:



Stuck, you saved lives, did you not? It's really easy to doubt the abilities of others when you feel like a fraud. But that's not about them, it's about you. You ARE qualified to do what you do. You are smart enough, able, kind, thorough and knowledgable. You, my dear friend, are an expert in some things. Just because you don't feel like it doesn't mean you aren't. And it definitely doesn't mean that other people aren't capable of doing their jobs. Do you have any idea how many people are injured in plane accidents? Very, very, very, very few. Those mechanics/pilots/attendants and etc. know their shit. Just like you do. They don't have to believe they are worthy in order to do what they do, but it sure helps. Get back on the bus, babe. You are worthy and we aren't leaving without you. Sorry to go all hot and heavy. Drinking you brings it out in me. I'm very glad you are three hours behind me, so I can edit before you wake up if necessary. I do it often. hahahaha.



Lis, hmmm. We can discuss further about that titration thing. When are you thinking about going up next? Actual date, please. ha. Sounds like you caught a break, too. Very glad for you. Keep looking for those breaks...(And this goes for all of us.) They tend to pile up when they start to happen and we can definitely enjoy the ride *if* we pay attention. About your husband: Talk to him. Tell him how it makes you feel when he's judgmental and angry. Or whatever. Just talk. That's why you opened that door! You don't have to hide anymore. Sometimes it takes a while, but you'll get there. I promise it's a good thing. (Cross my heart.) Rock on with the driver's license prep. Very happy for and proud of you. (Not in a condescending way. We're in the same boat, remember?) You've earned this step.



Bk, I always remember that for every hair someone has in place, they got up extra early and spent WAY more time than I would in the bathroom (to the exclusion of many other things) so that they *looked* like they have their shit together. The women I admire and aspire to don't have to hold up a mirror to know they have it all going on. Ya' know? Hope you enjoy steak night/date night.



Next on my morning's agenda is to figure out what the hell to do with my day now that the whole thing is up to me! Woot! This is not to say that there isn't a TON (almost literally) of work to be done. We have a truck and a trailer, over-flowing with stuff, Clampett-style, in our drive way. And more in a storage unit in Maryland. And school...ay caramba. So much thinking and learning to be done, too. I tanked my exam and the rest of the semester is going to be a challenge because of it. Oh, well.



xxoo

[StuckInCA]

Well well well. Good morning, everyone. Thank you for the love and support - it's appreciated. Yesterday was kind of a downer, no doubt. Sorry to bring that rambly self-involved crap here.

So I don't think I was slurring words or anything, but I'd be surprised if my last couple students didn't know something was up. Or maybe they didn't, maybe they don't know what to look for or whatever. Anyway, I survived. Like I mentioned, the girl and I were going to go to this talk at the library downtown. So I caught the train up to downtown and met her at a bar near the library. Turns out this talk required an RSVP and a ticket (free, but still it filled up). So we ended up not going, just had 2 rounds of drinks at the bar and then walked back to where her car was parked in her office building. She asked what was up, since I'd only had 2 beers at the bar but was acting kinda drunk. So I told her. Told her I hadn't eaten anything all day and had been drinking since morning.

When we got home we had a long talk outside. Or, well I talked a lot in that meandering tipsy way, and she listened. She doesn't think I have a problem with alcohol - she thinks I have a problem with anxiety. She's right, and not. But anyway I did my very best to explain that I'm sorry for being drunk but it's not like I'm just out there saying f**k it or I don't care or whatever. I hate all-day drinking. It was simply... necessary yesterday. She even made a stop at the liquor store on the way home for me. And I replaced her bottle of booze that I'd been stealing sips out of. Anyway, she also tried to take some of the stress of the job hunt off of me. Like, if I get a job then that's where we go, but if I don't get a job then that's OK because she has a job here.

We're a team, she kept saying, and at this point she pretty much wants to do whatever is best going to support my writing. Which is lovely and weird and stressful in its own way. So today I'm up early(ish), as she got up an hour earlier than usual for another job interview - her job is temp, and while they want to hire her full time she is still looking until they do. And I am not drinking the bourbon leftover on the nightstand. I'm having my coffee and trying to figure out WTF to do with my kids in class today. And I'm going to go for a quick jog as soon as I get done typing here. Finish typing, one more cigarette, jog. And I'm going to go to the student health urgent aid after class and I'm not leaving there without more ativan. Not so I can keep drinking but so that I can stop without going nuts. Get some AF days in, or sh*t at least AF "days" as in mornings.

Thanks for listening, everybody. Glad you're back home, Ne. And your dinner sounded lovely, BK. Good luck with the driving business today, Lis. Hugs all 'round.

[spiritwolf333]

So I don't think I was slurring words or anything, but I'd be surprised if my last couple students didn't know something was up. Or maybe they didn't, maybe they don't know what to look for or whatever. Anyway, I survived. Like I mentioned, the girl and I were going to go to this talk at the library downtown. So I caught the train up to downtown and met her at a bar near the library. Turns out this talk required an RSVP and a ticket (free, but still it filled up). So we ended up not going, just had 2 rounds of drinks at the bar and then walked back to where her car was parked in her office building. She asked what was up, since I'd only had 2 beers at the bar but was acting kinda drunk. So I told her. Told her I hadn't eaten anything all day and had been drinking since morning.

When we got home we had a long talk outside. Or, well I talked a lot in that meandering tipsy way, and she listened. She doesn't think I have a problem with alcohol - she thinks I have a problem with anxiety. She's right, and not. But anyway I did my very best to explain that I'm sorry for being drunk but it's not like I'm just out there saying f**k it or I don't care or whatever. I hate all-day drinking. It was simply... necessary yesterday. She even made a stop at the liquor store on the way home for me. And I replaced her bottle of booze that I'd been stealing sips out of. Anyway, she also tried to take some of the stress of the job hunt off of me. Like, if I get a job then that's where we go, but if I don't get a job then that's OK because she has a job here.

We're a team, she kept saying, and at this point she pretty much wants to do whatever is best going to support my writing. Which is lovely and weird and stressful in its own way. So today I'm up early(ish), as she got up an hour earlier than usual for another job interview - her job is temp, and while they want to hire her full time she is still looking until they do. And I am not drinking the bourbon leftover on the nightstand. I'm having my coffee and trying to figure out WTF to do with my kids in class today. And I'm going to go for a quick jog as soon as I get done typing here. Finish typing, one more cigarette, jog. And I'm going to go to the student health urgent aid after class and I'm not leaving there without more ativan. Not so I can keep drinking but so that I can stop without going nuts. Get some AF days in, or sh*t at least AF "days" as in mornings.

Hi Stuck -Thank you for making this post. It brought back some hard core memories of my drinking experience -which was not so long ago. I needed to read and hear this -and I mean really hear this. I do not consider myself "cured" in the sense that I could or would not return to my old drinking ways and I need my reminder -reminded of this fact.

I remember my wife trying to support me in the same way that your girlfriend is trying to support you. All that I knew was the fact that my wife really did not understand the disease (nor me for that matter), and she was willing to do anything to try and help me. And of course, the guilt that I felt over not being able to 'really' be there for her in a sober state while she was trying to be there for me only fueled the fire for me to want to drink more and not feel the guilt. At the end of my last drinking debacle, we were both willing to do whatever was necessary for me to find a solution -and I mean "anything". She knew that I was in a lot of trouble, but she had no idea how close I was to damn near being dead. In the end, it was her unconditional love and support, and the love and support from my three sons that helped pull me through the depths of the hell that I was in. It sounds like you have someone who cares about you and loves you tremendously?

And then you reminded me of the "balancing act". Just damn, that finally just wore me out. Drinking all day while trying to hide doing so. Running a business with employees barking at me all day. And then, trying to meet with customers and wanting to be interested but always just ended up thinking about drinking the duration of the meeting. In fact, I had gotten to the point that drinking was all that I could think about during any meeting. I would always wonder who knew that I had been drinking -after the meeting(s).

And then, to try and continue the balancing act, I would go and do extreme cardio workouts every night (2-3 hours). Yes, I was drunk or least heavily hung over when doing so, but I felt like it was the only thing that I could do to at least take a break from drinking and get some of the poison out of my system.

In the end, I just could no longer keep this cycle up. Unlike you, I had gotten to the point to where I had to drink everyday -all day. It scares the hell out me to know that I could return to that point if don't continue to do what I am doing.

Thank you for allowing me to ramble on your post (and thanks Lost for your whiteboard-thread). I know that you will pull through this Stuck.

SW

[bkyogagurl]

Good afternoonie friends!!

The husband and I are scheduled for our date on Friday. I would not have agreed to a mid week dinner as I wouldn't want to be tempted to drink. I am actually enjoying my AF weeks. And look it's already TH and I am planning another AF day.
I figure Friday will be my day of indulgence. Then I will plan to take Saturday off. It's really nice waking up on Sunday bright-eyed & bushy tailed. Getting down to one day a week of drinking feels like a doable goal to me...

Stuck... That has got to make you feel good having your sweet girl have your back. And she wants to help. It's so heart warming to hear that she said you guys are a team. Her love seems unconditional- we all know how important that is to have in our addictive lives.. Do you love her?

Ne- your trailer Clampett style sounds hilarious and made me laugh out loud along with Ed's comment.
I have never been one of those moms who is pressed and pristine... I'm ok with that. My workout clothes are good enough for me & a bun.
I'm glad your home.. Maybe now you can have a have a few more pings.. How is the puppy?

I just wanted to check in. It been a great day... I didn't take my sleep med last night so I could respond to Stuck.. Man do I feel a shit ton better today. Thanks Stuck.

Lis- I hope your are rocking your class. On the road in no time.

Hugs

[Ne/Neva Eva]

It takes a while to feel comfortable in a team. But teams are good.

You guys know (or remember) that I had (still have, actually) a gay boyfriend? Ed used to work incredibly long hours and my friend (B) and I used to spend a lot more time together. I used to talk to B about problems with my husband, including sex. One day he got annoyed and asked me why I wasn't telling my husband all this stuff. He wondered aloud what the hell it was about straight people that they just don't talk about sex. (Apparently gay men, or at least he, talks openly about that stuff from the get-go. Who knew?)

So I did. It was hard, honestly. (Is there a pun there?) I used to think that sobriety was to credit for the fact that the sex is better than it's ever been. And that's certainly a big part of it! But mostly, it's the communication. Which started when I was titrating up, and before I got completely sober.

I started many of those conversations with the fact that we are a team. We're all we've got and we're presumably in it for the long haul. Might as well enjoy the ride. (ha.) If he's not my champion, and I'm not his, then wth are we doing together? Doesn't mean we don't get annoyed, or that we gloss over faults or petty grievances. God knows, we can fall into the trap of letting that guide our conversations. But I know he's ALWAYS, always, always got my interests in mind. And I have his.

Another sort of related thought: I read a thing on the reddit science forum about DKE yesterday. (Google if interested, it's beside the point.) Led to an interesting discussion about the fact that people generally feel like they are impostors until they become proficient at something. This is healthy! The opposite (thinking you're an expert, when you are not yet proficient) can be dangerous. It's certainly self-limiting! This is relevant not just to jobs, but in life, and more specifically, to new sobriety. Just something to keep in mind.

Hope it's a good Friday! Enjoy your dinner tonight Bk!

[StuckInCA]

Lots going on around here, and not only stressful things. It's nice to see. Yesterday ended up going all right. I went to the student health center before class, complained of an anxiety attack, got a mg of ativan and a prescription refill. Barely made it to class on time. Class was fine. Then pretty much just hung out for the rest of the day. We ordered takeout for dinner, and were both in bed falling asleep by 8:30 last night. That was weird, but not bad. I think we both pretty much slept through the night, too. I woke up a couple times but not like panicky woke up. Anyway, that's that. Have a good one, everybody!

[Lostinspace]

You're right, Ne. Self-soothing habits can definitely make life more manageable and enjoyable. There was a time when I went out of my way to try to incorporate them into my life while attempting to get sober. These days, I just let the stress and anxiety consume me until I either drink or have a panic attack (or very often, both). You've been under a ton of stress yourself recently, so how about we agree to both try to reintroduce that stuff into our lives?

I'm sorry this week has been so emotionally taxing for you. What a welcome relief to at least have the day off on your first day back home. I hope you got to do something fun

As far as titrating, I'm planning on going up again next Saturday. That'll be after two weeks at this dose. I'll be increasing to 250 mg, unless that dose proves to be too much, in which case, I'll go to 237.5. I kinda doubt it'll be a problem, though, considering I've still had no side effects.

And I will continue to work on talking with my husband and getting him to understand - but not any time soon. We both need a cool-off period after the other night. But thank you for that pep talk. I know it was directed at Stuck, but it's equally applicable to my situation. I will keep that in mind when I talk to him again.

Stuck - I'm so relieved that you were able to get more Ativan, and that you can properly detox. That's nice that you had such a quiet, panic-free night. Your girlfriend sounds wonderful. It's clear that she really loves you. Try not to let that be stressful, in addition to being beautiful. I know you probably don't believe it, but you're an amazing man, and very worthy of love. Ne's right - it does take a while to be comfortable being part of a team. But it sounds like she's very supportive of you, both personally, and professionally. And you're also supportive of her, and you make sure to do thoughtful things for her. It seems like you guys will be a great team. Don't be afraid to embrace it

bk - that was a good idea to postpone your date so that you wouldn't be tempted to break your AF weeks. I'm happy to hear you're enjoying them so much. It really is nice waking up clear-headed and raring to go. I hope you have a great time tonight!

So I made it through my obnoxiously long class. At least the instructor let us go a little bit early. I got home, then immediately went online to sign up for my road test. I'll be taking it on December 29th. God, I better pass! I've been waiting sooo long. And for once, my husband doesn't have to work tomorrow, so he's taking me car shopping. I'm so excited

And it can't come soon enough. I started to go off on a very long rant about tonight's commute, but decided to delete it. Suffice it to say, an embittered, old curmudgeon of a driver decided to yell at me for standing at the rear exit on a very crowded bus. (And don't even get me started on the staring problem that people have in this small town. Where I grew up, right outside of New York City, looking at anyone you don't know meant you wanted to fight. Not up here. EVERYONE stared at me at first, and many continued to stare off and on for the remainder of the trip. What is wrong with these people??!! I'm a shy introvert. I don't handle these kinds of situations well). Anyway, I'm home, and all's well. I hope you all have a great night :hug:

[Ne/Neva Eva]

The staring thing made me grin, Lis. I consider it flattery, ftr. It probably is, or at least it's easy to transform the feeling of "I'm a freak" to "I'm...attractive". :H I mean, I don't have any egregious physical deformities that make it obvious as to why people would stare. I am not a car accident on the side of the highway. (Why, oh why, do people slow to a crawl? I am completely serious when I say that I do not understand that phenomenon at all. The same reason people insist on watching local news, I suppose, which also baffles me. Anyway.) So perhaps it's that you're hopelessly interesting to look at, and not because you're the elephant man.

Stuck, glad you got some help and glad you guys had a restful night. Here's another factoid about my own relationship that may be relevant. (I'll stop with this shit soon, maybe.) I think it took about a decade for me to stop actively wondering if I was with the right person. Maybe longer. It used to really bother me that I thought that. Turns out it's perfectly normal, and that many (most?) people feel that way for a while. Maybe not after 10 years of marriage, but I'm slow. So there's that. If it's good for right now, it's probably pretty good. I agree with Lis, that it's wonderful that she's so supportive, and still has her own gig going on. I worry about the chicks who don't. And the men involved with them!

Seroquel stopped working this week. Just...stopped. I'm suddenly waking up in the middle of the night again, and full of the familiar angst. Last night I decided to embrace it and got up for an hour, had some happy thoughts, and went back to sleep for the rest of the night. Apparently this is the way we used to sleep before electric light or something. Last night my angst had to do with some plants (sedum) that I cut back too early in the season and worrying about whether or not I'd killed them. Yes, seriously. My mind is a weird thing. Especially since sedum is incredibly hardy, and very replaceable. I was also very concerned (and equally so) that I am messing up a relationship with a friend, or that she does not value our friendship equally. What a great way to mess up--obsess about it!

SO MUCH DAMN HOMEWORK to do today to get caught up. Gonna start now. Chow, peeps.

[Lostinspace]

PGood luck catching up on all your homework today, Ne! I know it's a daunting task when you're behind. Just focus on one thing at a time and try not to think about everything that has to be done. Oh, and I like your interpretation of seeing staring as flattering. I was just embarrassed last night because everyone started staring after the bus driver yelled at me. I wanted to hide.

I also had trouble with seroquel no longer working, early on, when I started taking it. Although it sounds like it's still working for you, you just have some anxiety going on that keeps you up for a bit in the middle of the night, followed by more sleep. I still go through that pretty often when I'm stressing out about something. But if it's more than that, I know that when it stopped working (completely) for me, my doctor just upped the dose. I started on 50 mg, and now take 100 mg.

That was several months ago that he raised my dose, and it still works just fine for me, unless too much drinking is interfering with my sleep. But even then, I still sleep way better with it than I ever did without it. I wouldn't worry about it too much. Seroquel is not like Xanax, or other commonly prescribed sleep aids. You don't build up a tolerance, and if it's not working, you're probably just not at the right dose to begin with.

So car shopping went really, really well. I found a good used car that's actually fairly new (2012), and within my price range! I didn't buy it on the spot. I told the dealer that I was definitely gonna buy it, but I wanted some time to go over the various financing options first to figure out what would work best for me. Truth be told, I just wasn't sure I could actually afford it, but I didn't want him to sell it to someone else while I figured out if the payments could fit into my budget. Well, they do So next Saturday, I'll be driving home in my new car!!! I'm so excited I don't even have words.

Although, the high has worn off quite a bit since then. First, I talked to one of my friends on the phone who I haven't spoken to in a couple weeks. I told her about my getting a permit and getting a car. She didn't have even the slightest hint of being happy for me in her voice. And before I even got a chance to describe what kind of car it is, she cut me off, and changed the subject to tell me that her new manicure already had a chip in it :/ Then my husband picked today, of all days, to remind me yet again that driving with a 0.25 BAC is a serious offense, and that I deserved every bit of punishment that I got, and am continuing to get (I still have a little over a year left of probation to go) :/ Thanks guys. Way to rain on my parade.

Anyway, I didn't drink today. I've been having some cravings, but nothing strong enough to drive me crazy. I'm trying to remind myself now that, in addition to the gazillion other reasons I want to stop drinking, I now have to save as much money as possible from here on out. I need extra funds for car payments, ghastly high insurance payments (thanks to my DWI and accident), and the monthly maintenance fees for the ignition interlock I have to get. That stuff isn't gonna pay for itself. Anyway, I hope you're all having a great night :hug: