Here we go again

[Ne/Neva Eva]

I am still feeling hopelessly behind. I'm trying to keep in mind the horseshoe factor.

I won't take anymore seroquel than I'm taking. (At higher doses there are risk factors that I'm not comfortable with, unrelated to abuse potential and all that jazz.) Frankly, I wasn't comfortable taking it in the first place. But the effect was so phenomenal that I just kept doing it. I need a damn doctor. grrrr. I'm never going to find one here to help with the other stuff if I explain the baclofen. (I almost used the words confess, or admit, rather than explain. As though I am doing something wrong. Very annoying.)

You're right about the anxiety. It's frustrating. I meant to mention in my previous post that I'm game for using self-soothing techniques, but exercise is probably the single biggest factor and I'm still not doing that regularly enough. Though there are marked improvements in time and distance! So there's that.

So sorry about your friend's reaction. (A chipped manicure? Really??? pffft.) And your husband's! (Honestly, his makes me a little mad for you.) Sounds to me like they might still be angry with you. (Ya' think?) It's the culture we live in. I do understand their reaction, even though I don't think it's "fair". I, for one, am so happy for you I could do a little dance. All great news, Lis. Just steps in the process, and then this will all be truly behind you.

Thanks, too, for the date. It's important to share that kind of thing because the temptation to find a quicker route is pretty overwhelming. That was my experience, and what I've witnessed here, too. Erratic titration is the single biggest risk factor, I think.

I hope you can figure out a way to celebrate this milestone today. Even if it's just taking some quiet minutes to acknowledge your successes to this point. It'll help you stay focused on the goal, too, and even without a thorough understanding, your friends and family will eventually see the difference.

One good thing about getting up really, really early is that I have an abundance of quiet time to study. I need it. Back to the books for me.

:hug: all.

[StuckInCA]

Hi everybody. I had 2 AF days and then there was a birthday party last night with some boozy friends down in Orange County. The girl and I agreed that we wouldn't take overnight bags, so we were for sure coming back last night. Turns out that was a great decision, since the friends had moved into a smaller place, there was no room, and a ton of people and it wasn't all that fun so just a couple hours of hanging out was more than enough. Don't know why I didn't just take 1/2 an ativan and stay abstinent. Wouldn't have been that big of a deal, but I didn't. I really need to be better about not putting all the driving on the girl. She will have 3 beers then a glass of water, and we'll wait a little bit, but still I'd be more comfortable if the one driving stopped at 1 or 2 - not that that'll ever be me. With my driving history I don't want to drive after even 1, but this is totally unfair to her.

Anyway, I'm trying to focus on the little victories. I didn't drink hard liquor. Except hitting the last couple swallows of vodka in the bottle here at home when we got back. But then I didn't open her bottle of bourbon that I bought earlier in the week. Again, little victories I guess. She fell asleep almost right away when we got home. I had some trouble falling asleep, then woke up around 4am and was panicky, but managed to sleep again until later this morning. Just can't quite keep the AF days going, but trying. Have a lovely Sunday, everybody.

Ne's already said just about everything for me, Lis. Keep on keepin' on.

[Lostinspace]

Yeah Ne, I know there are risks with seroquel at higher doses, but as far as I understand, those risks come into play at the doses that are used for psychosis (i.e. in the hundreds of milligrams range). At least I hope that's the case. I understand your hesitation, though. I worry about it, too, and hope to eventually come off of it. But for now, the ability to sleep, which nothing else ever even came close to giving me, makes it well worth it. I really hope you will pursue finding a doctor, though, if at all possible. I hope to all that's good in the world that you can find someone who's open to HDB. But if nothing else, it's worth it to at least have a doctor who's aware of what you're doing in case something happens.

Like if you were to end up in the hospital, s/he can advocate for you to be (temporarily) weaned off bac, instead of completely withdrawn from it cold turkey, when the hospital inevitably refuses to allow you to keep up your bac schedule while you're there. I know, that's worst case scenario stuff. Also, a doctor would, of course, be able to better help you find the right match for a sleep aid that you feel comfortable with. I'm sure there are many more options than the people on MWO have talked about taking themselves.

And you're right about exercise being the most important self-soothing technique. I have to admit, I've been wimping out completely the last week or so, whether I drink or not. With temperatures in the 20s, and snow and/or high winds making it feel even colder, I just can't seem to push myself out for my walks anymore. These days I hide out in the toasty warm library in between my two buses home. I really need to stop doing that. I've been using the excuse that I'll be joining a gym, and doing "real" workouts, as soon as I get my license and start driving again. Which is true, but you know what? That's still six weeks away. I gotta push my butt out into the cold and do what I CAN do until that happens.

That's great that you're making improvements in both time and distance, though, even if you're not doing it as regularly as you'd like. That means that you're really pushing yourself on the days that you are doing it

And thank you for being excited for me. I haven't found any big way to celebrate, but I have done a little happy dance for myself.

Stuck - focusing on the small victories is very important. You had 2 days AF, then a single night of drinking, but with no hard liquor. That's progress. Try not to beat yourself up over what you think you should have done. Detoxing on your own, when you're out and about in the world with ample opportunity to drink, is really difficult. You're doing a great job. Keep trying and you'll get there. Hang in there, my friend :hug:

bk - I hope you're doing alright. Check in with us when you get a chance, ok?

I had another AF day. I also had another day of zero exercise. Sigh. It's just so damn cold out there. But I have to try harder tomorrow. No hiding inside the library! I have warm clothes. I will use them. Oh, I also found a Twitter page that basically lists all of the latest research articles on bac, if anyone is interested: https://twitter.com/baclofenews/time...81831619592192
Hopefully that link actually works. For some reason, I was having a lot of trouble copying and pasting it on my phone. Lots of good stuff there. Anyway, I hope you all have a great night :hug:

[Ne/Neva Eva]

It's not that I have a problem with seroquel, specifically, Lis. It's that I have a problem with self-prescribing. Baclofen is a necessity, and I'll be forever thankful that I had the cajones to do it. It helped that Dr. Levin was amenable to prescribing over the phone. I had stuff I'd ordered online in a closet for years before I took it. Too scared. Now, of course, everything I take is from an online pharmacy. It's not even ironic. I wouldn't take it this way if I didn't know it's the only thing that keeps me from being what I was. I'm WAY more scared of being a hopeless alcoholic than I am ordering the meds I need online.
But the other stuff feels superfluous. Except it isn't, since sleep is really paramount for good health. Forget about exercising! I need a doc! I dread starting that process again, so much that I just can't make myself do it. Hypocrisy, I know.

Anyway, caught up on studying this weekend! WOOOHOOOOO! Such a god damn relief, I can't even describe. Of course, tomorrow I'll wake up to another weeks' worth. But whatev. I'm going to go watch an actual movie and read a magazine and other superfluous stuff.
Sleep tight!

[StuckInCA]

I know exactly how you feel about finding a doc, Ne. I lucked out my first go around a couple years ago, and you read that whole thing on my thread as it was happening. Then since she left, I haven't had but the briefest of check ups. Even so, I was determined to get in and see the doc I saw a couple times last year. Then she cancelled the appointment due to I assume illness, and I haven't had the nerve to make a phone call to reschedule. I waited until full-blown withdrawal to go in and get a new benzo script. I need a doc, too, dammit. So tomorrow afternoon I'm free, and I'm going to go in and schedule an appointment. Because I'm still too weird about phones, I guess. And I'm considering sort in down with a crisis counselor to get a referral to a pdoc - someone who can prescribe, in case my doc doesn't hear me on the oxytocin thing.

Anyway, get your butt out into the cold, Lis! kidding. Curled up in a nice warm library sounds pretty good to me.

[bkyogagurl]

Me three.. I need to find a doc too.. I need/want some help with possible bac prescript. I am in the place where I want someone to know what I have going on in case something does happen because I have not had so good reactions to meds. I need a doc for other womanly reason too...

Sounds like everyone is cursing along for the moment.. I am as well.

Had a very very nice dinner with the husband Friday.. Had two drinks prior to dinner, shared a vary nice bottle of wine and I had a couple beers when I got home. That is a fairly mild night for me.
Drank 5 beers extremely slow last night.. I don't know why I even bothered didn't even get a buzz.
My husband blessed me with a bit of a drunktard moment tonight... Probably was a good reminder of how I might have been at times. It seems sometimes the less I drink the more he does... Some sort of ying/yang thing I guess?

So I am back to my AF week and am secretly wishing for an AF weekend. I am happy I didn't get drunk this weekend tho. I'm viewing it as my tiny bit of progress.
This week will be busy so no time to debate drinking really til the weekend again.

Lis~ I'm so happy for you getting a new car... I am sorry your friend and husband treated you crappy in your moment of happiness. I think your husband is just scared and worried. He probably doesn't know how to say that so he says stupid things to remind of things you already fecking know... And live everyday anyway.
Maybe you could let him know you are well aware of how serious the driving thing is.. That is why you are doing all of this hard work.:hug:
Hang in there with the exercise... It's tough to put two pairs of tights on and run but when you are done it feels good.. I am a bit of a die hard but even so this last run felt chilly with only one pair of running tights & it hasn't even snowed yet. I have decided to take a couple weeks off from the gym to get some things in order then the following week is turkey day which I am not even going to try to be good for this year...
So I am sure I will be feeling chubby at my own fault.

It's getting late so I better get some rest. I decided to quit taking the trazadone because everything time I start taking it... My joints get sore. Sucks. Interferes with my running. We can't have that...

Much love to all.:heartbeat:

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Morning, everybody.
I have a pulled muscle in my back that is so painful I almost went to the ER last night. It was hard to breath! I finally got a little relief rolling around on a tennis ball and it dissipated enough so I can wait to make it to the doc today. Stress, man, does all kinds of things to the physical body. There was a time not so long ago when I wouldn't have considered taking a pain killer or muscle relaxant. Now I know that addiction doesn't happen the way we think it happens and medications are just tools.

That's true for medicines that treat addiction, too. I know I harp on the benefits of baclofen, and I feel strongly about it obviously. But that doesn't mean I think the other ones are worthless, because they are not. I think we, who participate here, know enough to know that medication alone is not a one-shot-deal for the most part. There are other tools, too. Anyway, I'm just suggesting that I hope you guys keep an open mind, since I know baclofen isn't right for you or would be a challenge to find/take based on all the hoo-ha here. (It might not be. But if it is, then there are definitely other things worth trying. That's all a girl is tryin' to say.)

One more thing: All medications, including psych meds, have a side effect profile. I have no doubt that this pain in my back is a function of, or exacerbated by, the fact that I just started taking my cholesterol medication again. But managing this pain is much easier than managing a heart attack. I know that if I take it consistently, I'll stop having achyness. (Why isn't that a word?) Or perhaps there is a different one with less implications for the muscles? I'll ask the doc today.

Very glad you guys are thinking along the same lines about the pdoc thing. Maybe it will motivate/shame me into finding a pdoc, too, if you guys are working on it.

I'll refrain from commenting about exercising in that kind of weather. Suffice it to say, I cannot even begin to imagine going outside at all when it's 20 degrees. I'd be a popsicle. I have been fantasizing about living in other places in the world for at least the next 6 years, and Canada has potential. Except the popsicle thing. Costa Rica?

I got some more good news this weekend...It's kind of a secret desire that I don't tell many people about, but it looks less like a pipe dream and more like a possibility. It looks as though I can actually go to UVA to finish my degree! IF I do okay in this nursing class and maintain my grades in the other classes I take outside of the nursing program. Guess where one of the best psychiatric/addiction programs in the country is? Yep. Charlottesville, Virginia. It's also one of the best nursing/medical schools in the country. Y'all, I would be blown away if that is where sober life brought me. I never would have imagined I could do that.

Sounds like we're all kerfuffled AND doing the things that need to be done to unkerfuffle. That makes me smile. And stay motivated.

Another bloody test this morning, this time a simulation on a dying dummy with a group of people I don't know yet. Then I'll be in the student center collecting information for a statistics project. Also a group effort. Why the hell do professors insist on grouping people together, Stuck? I hate it. (Less to grade. pffft.) On that whiny note, I'm out!

[Lostinspace]

I'm so sorry to hear about the back pain, Ne. That's awful. Stress certainly can do all sorts of bad things to the body. And I completely agree about the pain meds, even if you're not on an anti-craving drug. Last Thanksgiving, I fractured one of my vertebrae after drunkenly falling down a flight of stairs. I was prescribed hydrocodone in the immediate aftermath of that, and you're damn right I took it. Just because I'm an alcoholic, and there's supposedly a greater potential for addiction, doesn't mean I should have to suffer more than anyone else in similar circumstances. At least that's how I feel about it.

I'm so glad to hear you're all caught up on your schoolwork, and even had time left over for a movie. Yes, you're only getting another week's worth today, but unfortunately, that's the name of the game for students. And that's so exciting that you might be able to go to UVA!! I'm sending many positive vibes your way that it happens

And please do pursue getting a pdoc. They're not all great, but if you get a bad one, just keep looking. Mine has been wonderful, and very helpful to me over the years.

I hope your test today went well. And my god do I hate group projects. I feel you there. Thankfully, we didn't have all too many of them in my program, but every one that I did have always went the same - I ended up doing 90% of the work, only to receive a lower grade than I did on any of my solo projects/papers, thanks to the lack of effort on the part of my groupmates. Grrrr!

Stuck - I'm so glad you're going in to make an appointment today. I hear you about being weirded out by the phone. I'm the same way. I don't know what it is, but I always prefer to take care of my business face-to-face, whenever possible. Getting a pdoc is a great idea. As I just said, mine has been really helpful to me. And I'm excited to hear about how the oxytocin goes.

But now you guys all have me thinking that I need to get off my arse and get a doctor, too. I only have a pdoc (I pay him out of pocket on a very forgiving sliding scale, because he's never accepted my insurance plans). I never bothered finding a GP when I switched over to my new insurance plan. I figured that if anything unexpected ever happened, I'd just go to urgent care - not a good plan on my part. And I haven't been to a "lady needs doctor" in years. It's high time I change that.

bk - you three. I'd like to see you all get a pdoc! I'm happy to hear you had a really nice, and successful, weekend - both having a nice dinner with your husband, and also two nights of drinking, without ever drinking anywhere near enough to get drunk - that's a HUGE win

And thanks for the thought that my husband might just be concerned, but I really think he's still just trying to throw it in my face that I f**ked up big time. I have to have an ignition interlock on my car for the first year. I have to blow into it just to start my car. Then I have random checks, every five to 15 minutes, where I have to blow again. If I blow numbers at any point, my car will shut itself off. It'll be impossible for me to drive under the influence. He has no reason to worry, only reason to make me feel bad. He still has this infuriating idea in his head that he can shame me into better behavior regarding my drinking

I really admire how dedicated you are to running, and working out, in general. I hope to be at least half that dedicated myself within the next few months.

Anyway, today was a rough, stressful day at work. Even more so because I have a million and one other things on my mind that I'm freaking out about. I drank after work, and I really shouldn't have, considering I had a massive, Xanax-requiring panic attack this afternoon. And not the usual panic attack, where I either ride it out, or if needed, I'll take a quarter to a half a tablet (0.5 to 1 mg).

I continued audibly hyperventilating (in a bathroom stall at work, where no one could see me) long past the point where a pill dissolved beneath my tongue should have kicked in. So I took the full 2 mg tablet. Then I drank after I got off work, a mere three hours later. I'm seriously dreading the rebound effect I'm about to experience when this all wears off, which should be, conveniently, some time after I go to bed.

What is the equivalent of eight or nine drinks + 2 mg Xanax? How long does that take to wear off? Either way, I'm in for another major panic attack when it happens. This time due to physiological rebound, complementing all the crap in my head that will undoubtedly make it worse. God I hate myself for making this happen.

I hate all this stress. I would just get it all out here, but honestly, it would take a book right now, not just my usual long posts. I'm going a little nuts and I don't know what to do about it. Ugh! Not that I expect any answers, I'm just venting my frustrations. Anyway, I hope you all have a great night :hug:

[Ne/Neva Eva]

I wonder who is doing that twitter feed? It would be hard to believe it wasn't a MWOer, at least at some point. Thanks for the link.

Lis, I'm so sorry about the uber-stress. I hope you got a good night's sleep.

What is it about the phone? I would SO MUCH rather do everything on the phone, I swear. Part of it is pajamas. Part of it is that it's just so much more efficient. But I'm terrible about waiting, in general. I went to urgent care last night instead of my primary care because it fit better in my schedule. I knew that with a complaint of chest pain, I wouldn't have to wait. If it hadn't been that, I would never have stayed. So I got meds for my back pain and got my heart checked out. It was a relief, even though I know that there isn't anything wrong with my heart that anxiety relief wouldn't take care of immediately.
My back is still sore, which is a bummer. I expected an immediate fix. I might take a day or two off of the statin, or call my primary for a different one, to see if that helps. (I think I've established that patience, especially in the face of discomfort, is not something I can count as a strength.)

That's all I've got for this morning. Hope it's a good day!

[Lostinspace]

Just a quick post this morning. I meant to post last night, but thanks to a similar day of panic attacks, Xanax, and drinking, I fell asleep on the couch right after dinner.

Ne - I also wondered if it was a MWOer that started that Twitter feed. Whoever it was, I'm very grateful. It seems to be continuously updated as new information becomes available.

I'm glad you got checked out at urgent care. Even when you're 99% certain that anxiety is causing your chest pains, it's always a good idea to make sure, especially when you have a family history of heart problems. And getting confirmation from a doctor will also put your mind at ease. I'm sorry you're still in pain. Hopefully the pain meds are helping at least somewhat while you figure out if it's the other meds, or what else you can do about it.

Anyway, I'll be back later. I hope you all have a great day!

[StuckInCA]

Hey everybody. I, too, was going to do a quick fly-by last night, but couldn't think of anything meaningful to say. Hell, I couldn't even think of anything unmeaningful to say. The twitter feed looks like a great resource. And yes, it is difficult to believe whoever it is wasn't an MWOer at some point at least. Oh, the intrigue! Actually, it was a helpful twitter-wormhole to fall into, as I found a Postdoctoral Fellow who's doing research on oxytocin. Like right now, he's getting ready to start a study through the University of Sydney. I haven't had a chance to read any of his published papers yet, so I'm not exactly understanding what he's all about, but his focus seems to be on Heart Rate Variability - which I'm guessing is how easily heart rate changes due to stimuli? Could be totally wrong about that. But he seems to be thinking that low variability is linked to, or can cause, affective mood disorders and other mental/emotional issues. Anyway, it's more ammunition to take in with me when I see my doc tomorrow.

I know, I know. I'm hung up on this "next new big thing" and thinking it'll be a magic bullet for all my problems: drinking, anxiety, flat, emotionless feelings toward the girl and the future and life in general. I'm certain it won't be, but hell, it's lovely to hope.

I didn't drink yesterday. I drank a lot on Sunday night and then a lot lot Monday night. Yesterday I felt better than I had any right to, and just sat around camped out in the apartment, grading papers and getting the last assignment done for my class. I ran a couple short errands. The girl got invited to a dinner with work people, so she was out late. Came home kinda tipsy, and she had a couple more drinks when she got home. Bourbon on the rocks - man, that looked good. But I stayed AF, dealt with the sleep panic like a champ, and woke up this morning to the happiest of emails - the class I have to go to is cancelled.

So I'm free all day and don't have to go anywhere now. Yay. Just going to work on some application materials, finish grading, and generally try to get some stuff *done* finally.

As for everything else, my thoughts are with you guys. Urgent Aids and Xanax sucks. Or rather, they're great, but the reasons behind them suck. And I'm sorry y'all are dealing with all that. You did the right thing, Ne. And you're doing the right thing to, Lis. I know it's a slippery slope, and a path that leads nowhere good in the long term. But you know that too, and I know you're aiming for not taking the Xanax and not drinking. If you weren't taking bac, everyone here would be telling you to get your ass into detox, into AA, into rehab or whatever. But as is, just hang in there and keep taking the pills and keep an eye on the drinking and the anxiety and see how things go the next couple days. I hope you have a good day!

[Lostinspace]

I can't wait to hear about how your appointment goes tomorrow, Stuck. And no, I'm sure oxytocin won't be a "magic bullet." No one medication will ever be enough to fix every single problem that we deal with, but it could turn out to be really helpful for one or more of those problems, so there's good reason to hope Plus, you've already gotten into a good rhythm with exercise, which is another very important piece of the well-being puzzle. As far as your relationship, you'll have to do some self-exploration. Possibly? Are you sure you're not just freaked out by the fact that someone loves you, and wants to be with you?

I'm glad you had a good night last night. And you deserve to feel good as much as anyone else does, so please don't tell yourself you felt better than you have a right to. That's awesome that you got an unexpected day off. I hope you got to do something fun, in addition to just getting stuff done.

And thanks so much for the encouragement. I'm definitely trying to take it easy on both the Xanax and the drinking. I try not to take it whenever possible, and to minimize the dose when I do. It's just that the last two days have included monster panic attacks. And drinking on top of it makes me feel hugely irresponsible, especially when I worked so damn hard to taper down and break my physical addiction to alcohol five months ago. Thanks to bac, I've been able to keep my drinking at a level that keeps me from becoming readdicted, and I know that Xanax on top of drinking can only serve to hasten the readdiction process.

But, I'm not gonna dwell on it any more than I already have, or feel guilty. What's done is done. Today was much better. For the first time in quite a while, I had no panic attack at all at work, let alone one requiring a full 2 mg of Xanax.

And besides having a much better day at work, I got some pretty awesome news from my car dealer. I asked him if there's any way I could get the car delivered, considering I only have a permit right now. If my husband and I take the 40 minute drive out there in his truck, I would have to drive back (illegally) on my own. He told me that, not only could it be delivered, but he'll personally come with another driver, and bring all the paperwork to finalize the sale as well! So tomorrow night at 6:00, I'll have my new car in my driveway, after buying it right in my own living room

All around, today was a much needed breath of fresh air, in an otherwise very stressful period of my life. I did, however, drink. I was having some pretty strong cravings, off and on, throughout the day. There was also a part of me that didn't even bother trying to ride out the cravings, just because (and I don't even remember how it came up in the first place) my husband went on and on again last night about how I can't handle drinking like other people, and "so long as you're living in this house, you won't be drinking!" I was thinking "really? I can't handle it? So how is it that I drank tonight and you don't even notice?" So there was a part of me that wanted to drink today purely out of spite. God, I'm such a two-year-old sometimes.

Anyway, that's enough out of me. I'm gonna go buy my car insurance now. I'm going with Progressive, even though their commercials are really irritating. They're the only one I could find that's willing to insure a high risk driver like me, without expecting me to donate a kidney in order to pay for it. Well, I hope you all have a great night :hug:

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Clinical today. But thinking about you guys.

See you tomorrow!

[StuckInCA]

Good luck with the clinical. Bring donuts and they'll do all the work for you and let you go early.

So excited about the car, Lis! Really, this is huge and awesome and life is about to get so much better. And the opposite of what "everybody" probably expects, but a car is going to probably be the best thing for you. It wasn't until after my 2nd, and a couple years of not driving, and a lot of mental rearrangement on my part, but having a car becomes a reason not to drink. I have only driven maybe 2 or 3 times when I shouldn't have in the 4 years since my first. One of those was within the last few months, granted, and was stupid stupid stupid because I'd put the car where it would be fine parked the following day, but went ahead and drove the 2 blocks home just so I didn't have to walk up the hill to my apartment.

That became way too much about me - the point is, you're not a desperate irresponsible drunk. And the freedom to drive I bet is going to be a motivating factor to stay away from the after work booze, just because it's going to be so cool to be able to drive home. I never had an ignition interlock - that's going to be a pain. But they're becoming so much more common all over the country. My ex got one after only her first DUI, because that's just how Illinois handles it now instead of a 6 month suspension or a work/meeting exception. They find it's easier to put the interlock in and let you drive whenever/wherever you want. So don't think it immediately marks you as some kind of degenerate. They're already pretty common.

Anyway, have a good one everybody!

[Lostinspace]

I hope your clinical went well today, Ne

So, I got my car today I was excited before I even woke up this morning. I kept waking up throughout the night, thinking about it. Of course, that made this day seem to drag on for-ev-er. And you're absolutely right, Stuck. When I get my license again, it's going to open up a whole new world for me in so many ways, and will be a powerful motivation not to drink.

As it is, the only reason I have my current job (which I'm pretty sure I've made crystal clear I can't stand) is because it's one of the very few places that I can reliably get to via public transportation, and that actually *somewhat* relates to what I studied in school. I was unemployed when I got my DWI, so my job search was very much based around what I could get to, not what I wanted. It's infinitely more frustrating because it takes me three and a half hours a day (round trip) to get to this job I hate, instead of the 25 minutes it would take by car. I'll finally be able to start looking for jobs based solely on what I think I would like, rather than settling for the only option available.

I'll also be able to go places outside of work that are out of the way of the bus routes. I'll be joining the cheap gym in our town for sure. I can also start to volunteer for this organization that works to maintain the many hiking trails in our area. I'll be doing something to help others be able to enjoy something that I've loved doing so much (and hope to start doing again), and hopefully meet other outdoorsy people, so I can branch out a bit. It would be nice to have friends that live in the same town (or at least the same area), besides just my husband. I love him dearly, but I need other people in my life.

I haven't gotten involved in anything where I might meet people the last two and a half years, in large part because I just can't get there. But even if my husband was willing to drive me, I've been afraid to meet people because of the shame of not being able to drive. What am I gonna say if they want to meet up for coffee or something? "Sure, but can you both pick me up and drop me off afterwards? And be willing to do that every single time we hang out?" It's been both a very boring, and very lonely, existence living without a car in this town.

Sorry to keep yammering. Getting my license back will be truly life transforming. And my road test is only four days after Christmas, making it the best present I've ever gotten.

Anyway, I increased my bac dose to 250 mg today - two days early. But I stayed at 225 for almost two weeks, so I figured that was long enough. I'm really anxious to get to my switch, or at least to have better craving control than I've had. Now that I have a car, I really need to step up my game. I didn't drink tonight, but my god did I ever want to! I know I've said this a bazillion times before, but I'm really gonna push for some long-term AF time.

Well, I hope you guys have a great night :hug: