Here we go again

[Lostinspace]

Yeah Stuck, things have gotten really quiet around here - a little too quiet. I know for me it’s been a combination of renewed anxiety around posting, feeling kinda down in the dumps recently, and the fact that I just don’t have much going on at the moment, so I have nothing to say.

This holiday weekend was really subdued compared to most. There was no traveling. I just spent a quiet few days with my husband, cooking, watching (or pretending to watch) football and movies, driving places together, and just sitting around talking, which has been nice. We rarely spend a lot of time together these days. Although, I just can’t shake the sense of sadness (alternating with fear) that’s been pervading my life as of late for a number of reasons, so it tainted what should have been a really great weekend. And that makes me feel guilty and ungrateful. Anyway, I hope you had a nice time with your friend visiting, Stuck.

I’m now trying to get used to the fact that I can’t post from my iPhone anymore, which really bums me out. The cut and paste function just won’t work anymore the last couple days, so I can’t type things out in Notes. Planned obsolescence? I think so. The same thing happened with my iPod years ago, as well as with the last couple phones I had. It’s like they program these devices to start f**king up after a certain period of time to try to goad you into buying the newer version. I’ll just have to make due by visiting my actual computer for now, which believe it or not, is nowhere near as convenient for me as typing on my iPhone, for a few reasons that I won’t bore you with.

Anyway, I’m gonna get ready to take my husband grocery shopping in my newly intoxalocked car. This thing is really not easy to blow into, and I have to continue to take “rolling retests” while I drive. How is that safe? To have to do a breathalyzer while you’re driving?! I’ll quit my bitching for now and just try to get used to it as best I can. I’ll probably be back later. I hope you all have a great day!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Hulllooooooo!
Fast and effortless WIFI! A warm, comfortable place to type! (and smoke!) We're hoooooome! Yay!

Alrighty, enough enthusiasm. I missed my very early morning window to post and I'm not sure I'll have time later. But wanted to check in, especially since it's been so quiet. So hi.

bacinabit.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Dude, listen. Forget all the drama. I am actively worried about you, Lis. I know you don't see a correlation between your increase in baclofen dose and your reticence posting here, but I do. I might be wrong! But here's my take on it: Everything is about the same as it was. Your hate your job, but that hasn't changed. You're having a hard time with your relationship with your husband, but that, too, is about the same. Life is harder than it should be, but it is definitely easier than it was 6 months ago. Yet you are feeling so much strain and pressure and stress that you don't want to post about it all anymore. The only thing, from the little information I have here, that has changed, is your baclofen dose.

MWO is a lifeline. Do not underestimate the value of writing and sharing information here. It is HUGE. And for fuck's sake, don't let the drama created by people that the old timers ignore (or try to ignore) get in the way of reaching success. Are you really going to let someone who can't write a well-reasoned, grammatically correct (or even appropriately quoted) post limit the way in which you express yourself? I'm not. Hell, it fuels my desire to get on here and post every morning. Especially given the sheer volume of malarkey posted. Ignorance will not reign here on MWO for as long as I can type faster than the wind. And it won't rain on my parade, either.

Plus, I'm tired of posting to myself. I need some company, ffs.

Hope it's a good day.

[dundrinkn]

OK. Ne's post prompts me to write something. Not sure if it will be helpful or not. But It's been 40 some odd days without drink, and I couldn't move my ass off the couch for 3 plus days. I'm sure this has something to do with grinding into a new normal. I use alcohol to motivate myself. And while in the last year I have not drank more days then I did drink (wow, that was a shitty sentence, but you get the point), I find my life is still organized around it. And without a beer on the horizon, I really see little reason to move when I don't have my kids and don't have to work. My partner probably disagrees. I finally forced myself to have a conversation yesterday about my complete lack of anything -- I don't even know if I'm depressed. That's how NOTHING I feel. I am not irritated, I am not sad, I am not angry, I am just a blob. I have the kids again, so got off the couch finally yesterday. And today I am back at work. And I did laundry, and got groceries, and helped with homework last night. And today I feel a little lighter. But I really hate the I don't just feel fuckin' awesome by now! That sucks. That I white-knuckled it for this long, and I don't have cravings, but I'm not super fucking happy yet. Where is my happy, damnit. So someone else share now. I'd like to know how the trip to the grocery store went Lis? Share some details, Stuck. I am bored with myself.

[kronkcarr]

dun,

You prompt me to post. Almost 2 years into my baclofen voyage and I've experienced those nothing blahs. Or i have great moments that just appear and then i go back to blah. I used to drink to motivate and to be funny and outlandish. That ended with bac and I started staying at home a lot. I still see some friends but not much. Lately I've thought I need to step out more.

Before I quit getting numb or drunk I let people walk on me and hurt me. I never spoke up. I deal with people's issues all day at work so I don't want more in my spare time unless it's family or dear friends.

When I started bac my goal was to stop my passive/aggressive behavior of speaking up to people when I was powered with alcohol. A month or two ago I realized I'd stopped my behavior--of course I had. I don't communicate with anyone at night! So I figured it'd be ok to have 2 glasses of wine a night. All was well but the other day I realized I was buying close to the amount of wine I used to.

Friday afternoon I went to see a friend who has lots of relationship problems. Her guy was there too. Long story short: I don't care for him. I thought they were happy. They poured and poured wine never letting my glass get empty. I drank and drank. He left for a bit and she told me how unhappy she was. When he came back I had to leave. I drove home drunk and paranoid. I got everything done I was supposed to--even kayaked the next day but 3 days later I still feel disoriented.

I've been at 40 mgs for a year or more and I may go up.

[spiritwolf333]

MWO is a lifeline. Do not underestimate the value of writing and sharing information here. It is HUGE. And for fuck's sake, don't let the drama created by people that the old timers ignore (or try to ignore) get in the way of reaching success. Are you really going to let someone who can't write a well-reasoned, grammatically correct (or even appropriately quoted) post limit the way in which you express yourself? I'm not. Hell, it fuels my desire to get on here and post every morning. Especially given the sheer volume of malarkey posted. Ignorance will not reign here on MWO for as long as I can type faster than the wind.

Plus, I'm tired of posting to myself. I need some company, ffs.

Interesting. I do hope others will read.:applouse:

[dundrinkn]

Hi Kronk. That sounds like a shitty night. Sorry for that... and sorry you still haven't recovered. I also had started drinking too often. Even though I wasn't drinking a ton by my old standards, I had gotten where I was drinking every night. I decided to go cold turkey, rather than up my BAC. Though I am at 2X your dose (80mg). I have nerve type pain in my legs even at 80mg, but it becomes screaming intolerable above 100. The BAC still works at this level as I don't have cravings, just miss the motivation and organizing effect that alcohol has on my life. Oh, and if I didn't have my kids, I would probably never socialize. I have been thinking a lot about that. It takes a lot to get me to be around people. This is not a function of drinking/not drinking. I have always been like this and it has gotten worse the older I get. Just can't be bothered. Though, I think it really is a problem to be so isolated.

[StuckInCA]

Socializing f**king sucks, people, that's why you don't want to do it!

Hey Kronk and Dun. That does sound like a sh*tty night. I hate those times when you drive and know it's not good. I've had one or two of those after I swore NEVER again and it scares the crap out of me. And I am also sorry about not wanting to get up off the couch. The blahs are awful, maybe even worse than being actively angry or sad. Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do, and if that's hanging out on the couch to kinda regroup, then hey. 40 days is awesome, but it is still sort of 'new' sobriety. I hate that term.

Ugh, well as for me not much to say. I started drinking on thanksgiving and it's been nightly since. Yeah, way too much. I don't really know what's up with me. Working in the mornings, not really hungover too much and not *much* anxiety. A little bit here and there, mostly when I start drinking and doesn't go away until after the first several. (Yes, I know, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out.) but it is what it is.

Anyway, hope you're hanging in there Lis. And you too, Ne. Sorry you've had to talk to yourself for a little while.

[Lostinspace]

You’re right, Ne. I apologize for my childish reaction. I’ve just been feeling a little paranoid about posting recently, as you know. I usually really enjoy being here, so I’ll just try to get over it. I really don’t know if it’s the increase in bac or not that’s causing it. Whatever it is, I’m going to try to push past it.

dun - I can relate to what you’re saying so much. I also had always used alcohol to motivate myself. What you’re describing is exactly how I felt every time I went through a period of sobriety in the past. And while I did go through a glory period of being happy with everything during those two (mostly) AF months this summer, it has mostly worn off. It’s difficult to find new things to be interested in when you’re so used having alcohol be the one thing you look forward to.

It sounds like you might be depressed. Lack of emotion, and lack of joy in anything, are also manifestations of depression. Unfortunately, it’s very common in early sobriety as I’m sure you know. If you can force yourself to do just something small each day that you don’t work or have the kids, like going for a walk, or doing a little house cleaning, it can help break up the blah if you keep at it. I hope things lighten up for you soon. Hang in there.

Oh, and don’t ask about the driving. The intoxalock is really hard to drive with and I go into a panic every time it goes off. I usually fail the first couple times (because I blew too hard, because I didn’t blow hard enough, because I didn’t inhale at the right times in between the two exhalations - it doesn’t work the way other breathylzers that I’ve taken do where you just blow constantly until it gets a reading).

I’m terrified that I won’t do it right before it stops letting me try. At that point, my car is set to start blaring the horn (like a car alarm). Then when I turn it off, I won’t be able to restart it without a service call. This is not only expensive and inconvenient, but when the monthly data is downloaded, it’ll be reported as a refusal to test. This will then be passed on to my probation officer and I’ll get in trouble for supposedly drinking when I wasn’t. Aaahh!

kronk - I’m sorry to hear you’ve been feeling blah, too. I didn’t realize you had gone down on bac so much. Going back up for a while would be a good idea as far as drinking is concerned, but unfortunately, it won’t fix that blah, nothingness feeling. I’m sorry you’re still feeling out of sorts from the other night.

I have that same tendency to let people walk all over me until I either a) get completely wasted and speak my mind angrily or b) simply snap from the straw that broke the camel’s back. It’s really hard to break out of that cycle, to learn to speak up for yourself when you need to, and to do it before the anger builds to explosive proportions. I give you kudos for making progress in that arena, even if you say it’s just because you don’t communicate with anyone at night now.

Stuck - I hope you at least kinda got to have a good time with your friend, even if it was busy/crowded/whatever.

Anyway, I had a day. I’m pretty tired. Despite having had a four day weekend, my anxiety has kept me up late and getting up early. I’m pretty underslept. I hope to change that tonight. I didn’t drink today, nor did I drink last night. That’s about it for now. I’ll try to be interesting tomorrow. For now, I need to work on getting some sleep tonight. I hope you all have a good one!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

It's a perfectly normal reaction to a bunch of immature bullying, Lis. I'm so sick of it I could pull my hair out.

I should have ignored it on the other thread. God knows, if there is anyone who has been subjected to as much of it as I have, it's Terryk. And he can deal with idiocy much better than I ever could.

I had a couple of glasses of wine last night, and a beer in the afternoon, and I feel like crap. I also didn't wake up until my alarm went off, and I'm moving slowly. Can't be late today, though, so I better get on it if I'm actually going to look presentable. Sorry I don't have time to respond with my usual ridiculously long posts. Thanks for posting. So, so much.

I think you all know I really struggle(d) with malaise. I'm pretty sure there are two options for me--meds (SSRIs) and/or exercise. I think you also know that I know that exercise is a panacea. And I hate taking meds. But I have yet to get off the couch and out the door with any consistency.

<sigh>

Gotta go.

xo

[kronkcarr]

Ne makes a good point for me. I was running and loving both the running and my brain chemistry. I'd slowly built up to 13 miles and then injured myself. In the 5 weeks I've been off I've been out of sorts.

Plus I think the newness of my sober life wore off for me. I look back and think I got complacent. Anyway I'm up to 50 mgs and back at it.

[dundrinkn]

Exercise. Blah. It works for me too, so why the heck do I avoid it? Actually, I went and bought another piece of equipment recently. Waiting for it to come in the mail. At this rate, I should have a full gym of lightly used equipment to leave my children when I die. I always think that spending money will motivate me to move my ass. It's kinda like everything else... if I can just get into the habit started, it becomes an obsession/addiction. Best not to overthink it and just start moving.

Yes, I am probably depressed. I have tried multiple drugs over the years, but the serotonin drugs just zombie me out. The norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors work better, though I always get toxic on drugs. Can tell because I get nerve pain in my teeth. Maybe I'm making it up. I also think I'm having a heart attack when I wear a bra as well, and this is just my body/mind rebelling against anything that is trying to constrict me. I have started to wonder if it is just straight up dopamine I need. In a drip, maybe. Sounds wonderful. I really liked wellbutrin, but broke out in hives after a few weeks. I liked it so much that I tried to medicate the hives away with benedryl but not so much as to fall asleep. My psychiatrist said they actually don't know how wellbutrin works. Anyway... so I researched it and learned that reboxetine, a drug only available in Europe, has a similar chemical composition. Liked it ok until I got the tooth pain. The list goes on and on. If they've made it, I've tried it. But the psychiatrist/psychopharmacologist, agrees that for whatever reason serotonin drugs don't work for me. Maybe I should just flippin' exercise.

Until that happens, I've taken to dosing myself with coffee to try and stay off the couch. Yes Stuck, the problem is people. I really can't tolerate PERSONALITY shit. I have spent time in more spiritual environments, and do better with people when they leave their egos at the door. Though even in those types of settings, that is rare. When I am around people who are full-blown in their shit (which is almost everyone, me included I'm sure) I just sit there and witness it. I don't find it amusing or entertaining. I just find it a waste of time.

Speaking of full-blown in the shit, I was really annoyed too yesterday with the board. Every time it lights up with idiocy I remember a quote from TerryK that I read when I first got here. He said it was a "shit storm of douche baggery." Love that. I have learned to just skip over some individual's posts, but for some reason yesterday I had to stop and look. Train wreck. I guess it was because of the mention of Loop. I still am taking liquid bac from him, though I take half my scrip in pills. It will run out soon, and that makes me sad. Every morning I say "hi" to him when I take it. Just wondering -- any idea what's going on with Sam and Katherine?

Kronk, you and I got on the boards during the same month, and seem to be in very similar places. Though overall, I think you've had more time with moderation than I have. Do I remember correctly that you used to meet friends every other week for a glass of wine? I couldn't do that. After I am sober for a while on the BAC, I don't get the high from drinking. Which is why I drink. So I either don't drink, or a drink regularly enough to get the high back. (Huh, really didn't realize this until I wrote it down -- good info.)

Lis, the driving thing sounds awful and stressful. I'm guessing you'll get the hang of it. Have you thought about just driving around somewhere that doesn't have traffic to practice -- like an empty parking lot?

Better get back to work.

[StuckInCA]

I guess I'll second the possibility that bac is inducing some of the paranoia (and online bullying, too, of course, that sucks). You've been pretty side-effect-free, Lis, so I actually kinda forget you're even taking bac and still titrating up. But yes, paranoia is definitely a side effect, sometimes, so you never know if bac could be the cause. Anyway, nothing to worry about, but just something to keep in mind.

I also think taking the car out to a secluded area for practice is a good idea. It would also, I'm guessing, be nice to simply get out on your own for a little while. Be free to drive around wherever you want, get away from things, and practice the breathalyzer in a low-stress environment. I went out to get away last night, but went to the bar. Yesterday was a long day for me (a normal day for most people, I'm such a spoiled brat). Anyway, I stayed on campus for a film screening that this professor was doing for his class. I stuffed my face full of free pizza, because aside from that all I ate yesterday was a small tuna salad sandwich. Whatever, so the film went on forever and lasted until 8, and I had to take like 4 extra pizzas back to the kitchenette in my office building. I texted the girl to say I was almost on my way, and she offered to give me a ride home. Waiting for her, I had a couple drinks from the bottle I stashed in my office, and by the time we got home it was almost 10 o'clock. I wanted to go out on a liquor store run, and she was getting ready for bed, so I said I'd be back in like just one little hour.

Of course I stayed at the bar for almost 2 hours. Got home, she was asleep, and I stayed up drinking and trying to play video games for a little while. And when I got up this morning she was already gone for work. I feel bad about that. Though I don't think I did anything too disruptive or kept her up or anything.

Exercise. Blah. It works for me too, so why the heck do I avoid it? Actually, I went and bought another piece of equipment recently. Waiting for it to come in the mail. At this rate, I should have a full gym of lightly used equipment to leave my children when I die. I always think that spending money will motivate me to move my ass.

LULZ!!

Maybe I'm making it up. I also think I'm having a heart attack when I wear a bra as well, and this is just my body/mind rebelling against anything that is trying to constrict me.

I don't think I knew you were a chick, Dun. But that's not at all why I quoted that. Whatevs. No I totally get that fear! I seem to carry most of my muscle tension on my left side, so my arm and shoulder and upper back is always tight and on the verge of being sore. If I stretch it out, things sort of calm down, but having that tension makes me feel like I'm having a f**king heart attack. It's been all the way up my neck to my jaw lately, and I can only assume it's because I *know* that cardiac pain is on the left side, so that's why I unconsciously tense up on that side. Or because I have heart problems, but probably not.

Anyway, take care today everybody.

[dundrinkn]

No prob on the "dude/not a dude" mix up, Stuck. I have been purposefully vague about much on this board. The occasional slash and burn behavior of posters on MYO made me leery. However, I have (mostly) lurked on this thread for too long, feel like I know you all, and have been hiding out, which as I discussed previously is where I am most comfortable. Thought I'd jump in and see if a few more posters that have no agenda but sharing and supporting might balance things out a bit.

[StuckInCA]

2 things:

1) I am way to loud and rambly and stuck in my own issues and pseudo self-importance to be anything close to 'balanced'.

2) It's good to know the relative genders of the folks around here, 'cause since now I know, I'm prolly gonna try to hit on you.

EDIT: 3) I'm glad you jumped in. And Kronk, too. You gals are great.