Here we go again

[dundrinkn]

Ok, I'm up for posting because I am totally bat shit crazy! First, lots of really great stuff is happening in my life right now. And my anxiety is freakin' out of control. I am now convinced that I have the Baclofen induced heart problem someone else posted about on another thread. Not that I have any symptoms. I'm just certain something is going to kill me any second now.

So, I haven't had a drink in over 60 days. And I've been thinking that I should just let myself have a few over Christmas. And then I get into the whys and why nots. My mind says that if I count for too many days, and then have a drink, there is the crushing disappointment of not staying AF (leftover from AA). On the flip side, I have tried this several times now -- at 60+, 90+, maybe even 120+ AF days, and I always end up daily drinking eventually. Not that I crave it in the beginning, I don't. It is just a mental thing that wears and wears until I am back in the groove. Ahhh, the groove that is actually a ditch of f-ing despair.

I was struck by a post from Skull recently who has over a year now. And when I read it, I thought I'd just go ahead and go down the path of drinking no more. I did it in the past -- for many years. But I just can't let go of wanting to have an occasional drink. But do I just want an occasional drink? No, I want the occasional really good buzz. And then I want it some more, and some more, and some more.

My fucking mind is driving me crazy!!!

[Spiritfree]

Ok, I'm up for posting because I am totally bat shit crazy! First, lots of really great stuff is happening in my life right now. And my anxiety is freakin' out of control. I am now convinced that I have the Baclofen induced heart problem someone else posted about on another thread. Not that I have any symptoms. I'm just certain something is going to kill me any second now.

So, I haven't had a drink in over 60 days. And I've been thinking that I should just let myself have a few over Christmas. And then I get into the whys and why nots. My mind says that if I count for too many days, and then have a drink, there is the crushing disappointment of not staying AF (leftover from AA). On the flip side, I have tried this several times now -- at 60+, 90+, maybe even 120+ AF days, and I always end up daily drinking eventually. Not that I crave it in the beginning, I don't. It is just a mental thing that wears and wears until I am back in the groove. Ahhh, the groove that is actually a ditch of f-ing despair.

I was struck by a post from Skull recently who has over a year now. And when I read it, I thought I'd just go ahead and go down the path of drinking no more. I did it in the past -- for many years. But I just can't let go of wanting to have an occasional drink. But do I just want an occasional drink? No, I want the occasional really good buzz. And then I want it some more, and some more, and some more.

My fucking mind is driving me crazy!!!

Hi Dun. I know exactly what you are talking about -been there so to speak. Please hold before you drink -you have done awesome for sixty days.

Let some of the other posters come on and and talk to to you. I don't know your whole story, but I do know your story about the crave. I know your story about your mind driving you crazy. Even if you have decided to drink again, it will all still work out ok. Just hold on.

[terryk]

My wife just told me that i sound more childish than all of you put together. As such, I will no longer post to this thread. Ok. Signing out.

To put Spirit on your ignore list, click here.

[Lostinspace]

Stuck - I’m so sorry you’ve been struggling so much these past few days. Maintenance drinking really is the worst. It’s probably all of those stressors that are making things so tough right now. Uncertainty of the future, on top of having to work on your dissertation, on top of “yay! The semester’s over!” are probably all combining to form the perfect storm of drinking. I hope you can find it in yourself to take the Ativan and detox. Hang in there, my friend. And don’t worry. We’ll get this thread up and running again. You mean a lot to me, too :hug:

kronk - I’m glad to hear that things are getting better with the drinking, both through going up on bac, and through working on your habits. I hope the anxiety starts to abate for you soon. That always makes life more difficult. I wish I had more words of wisdom to share, but I’m still working on that beast myself. I know that both exercise and mindfulness have helped me in that regard. They won’t fix everything, but they help.

Thanks for the tip, Ne. I didn’t know I could do that. I would love to put this asshat on my ignore list. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to, though, just to keep on top of what’s going on here (I was gonna say to keep abreast of what’s going on here, but I thought that might set off the Beavis and Butthead giggles. OK. I just officially aged myself. Some people are probably thinking who?!). But I will seriously consider it, for my own sanity. And I don’t want to let anyone destroy the vibe here, either.

And thank you so much, tk. I will probably end up doing just that

I’m sorry to hear you’re going nuts, dun. The anxiety is more than enough to explain any kind of heart weirdness you might be having. Still, if you’re really concerned, then of course go see a doctor. I don’t want to brush off your concerns at all. It’s just that, as a lifelong anxiety sufferer, I’m painfully aware of what your nerves can do to your heart, so I’m only suggesting that.

Anyway, I hear you about the whole wanting that buzz every now and again. Every time I broke an AF streak in the past, it was with the intention of only doing it every great once in a while. Of course, that always turned back into daily drinking. Give yourself some time. It takes a while to become comfortable in your new life. I say this as a total hypocrite, having not completely quit drinking myself, but I hope to soon follow in your shoes. Carry on, sister :hug:

So today was just another unbearably stressful day at work. I did drink. And for the record, the amount that I drink now is LESS THAN A THIRD of what it was before I started on baclofen. I’M NO LONGER PHYSICALLY DEPENDENT, AND CAN TAKE AF DAYS WHENEVER I CAN MUSTER UP THE COURAGE TO. I’m sorry for the yelling. I just hate having lies spread about me. It galls me. I have improved on baclofen - enormously so. And no one can take that away from me.

Anyway, I’m thinking it’s time soon for some AF time. I need to do whatever it is I have to do to get it right. I was up in bed last night thinking about how weird that’s gonna be when I walk out the door of the liquor store to my car. Then, I have to blow in a breathalyzer to get my car started. THAT is the definition of humiliating. Not much else to say. Much love to you all :hug: I hope you all have a great night!

[Spiritfree]

To put Spirit on your ignore list, click here.

Or, an alternative way is to type "tkkissmyarse". -takes u to the same location. Ok Tk -u got to me with this one. Thumbs up to you and Ne again.

[Spiritfree]

Thanks for the tip, Ne. I didn’t know I could do that. I would love to put this asshat on my ignore list. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to, though, just to keep on top of what’s going on here (I was gonna say to keep abreast of what’s going on here, but I thought that might set off the Beavis and Butthead giggles. OK. I just officially aged myself. Some people are probably thinking who?!). But I will seriously consider it, for my own sanity. And I don’t want to let anyone destroy the vibe here, either.

Lost -I think that you already know that I am not here posting trying to garner friendship or atta-boys. What I post here (except for my last post to TK -lol) is only in an effort to try and really help. Ok, so you get pissed off at what I say? Well good. It is quite obvious that the "pat on the back" -"it will be ok" routine does not work well with --with, well most of us. Instead Lost, I try to post things that will truly get your attention -get you irritated -get you looking past your current state of affairs and then finally just asking yourself the tough question(s). What good does it do to keep doing the same ole thing over and over and not changing? We are all in this together -like it or not. Becoming truly sober, alcohol or not, is never easy and usually very disrupting -to all concerned -even to those who are your friends.

[StuckinLA]

I really f**ked it up, guys. Been drunk the last 5 days - pretty much 5 straight days, morning to night. It's the holidays, and the girl's heading home for Xmas for the first time that her dad won't be there. She's in a state, and I am not here for her. I'm drunk instead, and she has to deal with this all on her own. This is not ok, and I'm an a**hole. I don't know how I fee about anything anymore - about me, about the girl, about the future - but I should have been here for her.

I can't seem to get my heart to stop racing. My bender ends tomorrow. Going to dope myself out on Ativan and get on a plane for home. Just going to make it through tonight first, and most likely lose my relationship in the process.

Spirit, don't even think about quoting me. You're not welcome on this thread.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Morning, everyone. It's nice to see you all.



Stuck, I'm really, really sorry. :hug: Here's a thing: It gets better. But not with booze. You have to go through the not-drinking. And while it sucks initially, IT DOES GET BETTER. I hope today's the day. Hang in there.



Dun, I feel ya'. I still don't know what to do when I want to get out of my head. It used to feel like a pressure build up, that just needed to let loose. Or boredom! Booze doesn't work for me anymore. It might not work for you, either. And the bottom line, is that it doesn't really work for anything. I now we all know that. I hope I'm not sounding like a broken record. Skull's experience, and decisions, are really great. I really admire the fact that he just keeps making the decision to be abstinent--and takes the pill to make sure he stays that way. It's not my experience, but it might be a better one. I can tell you for sure, I've never had a drink and woken up the next morning and thought it was a good idea to have done it. I don't always regret it, but I definitely have. Oh, god, the hangovers. It's been...a looong time (a year?) since I've had too much to drink, but I still remember the hangover. I was sick for days. And I think it was four drinks? Feckin' tequila.



Lis, I am going to use the ignore for the first time ever. If it doesn't contribute anything new, I'm not sure why I should be reading? And I'm fairly certain, based on yesterday's posts, that there isn't anything new or different or insightful. Which doesn't mean that the other troll isn't going to show back up under a different username. I think I spotted him/her up in the general discussion area, too. Spouting the same sort of crap. It's really sad when someone actively tries to undermine other people. But it happens.



I think we could all try to remember that there are people whose sole purpose is to create discord. That's why they participate. And if we respond, if we read what they write and let it affect us, they win. I'm not talking about Spirit, either. And maybe I'm being a little too...proactive, but I've seen it here before.



I've got a burden I have to face today that I've been putting off for months. I screwed up some money stuff. It's related to my Grandmother's estate and I have to deal with my uncle. I'm really dreading it. I realized this morning that it's kept me in a funk for the last couple of days, so I'm going to deal with it first thing after I sign off here. ugh.



Parent's arrive tomorrow, and I need to plan some meals and clean some things and finish the xmas decorations (ha!) when all I want to do is curl up in front of the fire with a good book. Ah, well. And oh, yeah, I have two more gifts to get. Blimey. The mall and the grocery store on the 23rd.



Head up, I'm out to face whatever music today brings.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

One more thing. Dun, based on the other thread, I spent a good deal of time googling about hearts and baclofen. I mean, I looked in every database I have access to and spent a lot of time on it. There is nothing there. Clearly Terryk didn't find anything either, and he's much better at sleuthing this stuff out than I am.

I didn't post on the other thread because it seemed to me that she was absolutely certain it was the baclofen, and there wasn't going to be any dissuading her. There are some important clues in her posts. One is that if it were truly serious, her physician would have picked up on it and she would be receiving treatment. The second is that she didn't talk to her physician about what the cause might be. She googled. Whenever I see that on here, it indicates to me that anxiety might be at the root of the illness, not an underlying physical (biological) defect. Anxiety can and does cause physical illness. But I'm not about to suggest that to someone who is absolutely convinced it's a function of the medication she's taking off-label, without a prescription. Ya' know?

Short version: I couldn't find anything anywhere that suggested a correlation between heart disease or malfunction and baclofen. Not even a suggestion. Just the opposite, actually. But I don't have the info to back that up and don't feel like looking it up again.

Hope that helps.

[dundrinkn]

Still no drinks for me. Feeling a bit more at peace about it. I just keep trying to practice the mindfulness shit -- breathe into the contracting thought about wanting that feeling release from the pressure build up (Ne, you hit that one on the head), and it seems to shift enough to leave room for something other than the pounding drum beat for "just one beer".

I just wrapped up dealing with my father's estate this past year. What a nightmare. I'm sure I have amends to make for that one... just not there yet. Good for you Ne for dealing with it head on.

Also, thanks for the info on the heart thing. I googled it (eeek), and baclofen is one of the medications linked to the delayed electrical thingy with the heart. Then I remembered I had an ecg done after I started baclofen for a life insurance exam and nothing came up. I am always worried that for some reason I won't be able to continue on Baclofen. It has been a real game changer for me. Even though I still go back and forth with the drinking, pulling out of it is easy compared to how it used to be. And as Lis mentioned, when I am drinking, it is at a half to a third of the amount I drank pre bac.

Lis -- one third less booze is nothing to sneeze at. You'll put it together when you can. I always build up to making the change. There is a certain amount of momentum and preparation that has to be generated to shift. Once the shift happens, holding onto it sometimes requires gutting it out. But it is impossible (at least for me) to gut out the getting there. That is an organic process that requires a certain amount of spaciousness (and pain getting there, unfortunately). Don't know if that made sense to anyone else, but I just re- read it and it did to me. So there!

Stuck, my friend. Hold on. Take the Ativan. Hoping for a better day for you soon.

Kronk, guess we're back in the same "not drinking today" boat. Here's to us!

Hope everyone is weathering the holiday craziness.

[Lostinspace]

Stuck - I’m so sorry you’re in such a rough spot right now. Please try not to berate yourself for not being as supportive to your girlfriend as you would have liked. We’ve all been guilty of a little neglect at one point or another, thanks to the deadening effects of alcohol. You can always make it up to her by being a greater support in the future. But that’s not what’s important right now. What’s most important is getting you well. Take care of yourself, first and foremost.

Be gentle with yourself, and do whatever you have to do to navigate the next few days, both physically and emotionally. You can manage your time however you want now with the semester being over (that is, until you see your family), so do whatever it is that will help get you out of this rut. I know that whenever I did a librium-assisted outpatient detox, I would call in sick to work, lie down on the couch (I found that it’s easiest to lie down when dealing with shaking, nausea, etc.) and just tv binge for a few days. Then once the worst of it had passed, I would go out on walks, start cleaning, and doing other things that are physical just because it felt good to use my body once again, and not feel so sick. Hang in there. It really will get better :hug: It really will :hug:

You’re right, Ne. If there’s nothing new, nothing but agitation, then there’s no point in even reading those posts. I hate that it’s come to that. And I shouldn’t have responded the way I did last night, defending myself and showing that it got to me. Oh well, lesson learned. It doesn’t matter in one case because I already have gotten to a point where I don’t care about that troller. There’s nothing s/he can say that will get under my skin at this point because you know what? I feel sorry for people who have nothing better to do with their time than troll sites where people are trying to get help for alcoholism. If that person feels driven to do it, well, they have way bigger problems than I do.

I hope your stressful morning resolved itself well. Or at least adequately. I don’t know the details, obviously, but money matters are always highly stressful, especially when dealing with the estate of a loved one. I’ve seen so many families get torn up over that kind of sh*t. I really hope your meeting went well.

dun - That’s awesome that you’re feeling more at peace with not drinking! And mindfulness really does help for so many things - cravings, anxiety, even physical pain. I once coached myself through a shoulder dislocation, having to sit in agonizing pain for hours until the ER crew could get to me. It really helped. Sorry that was a side note. But really mindfulness can be so helpful, I’m so glad to hear you’re using it.

And yeah, bac really does make the cravings so much more manageable. I’m actually drinking less than a third of the total that I used to drink, and not a third less. Basically, I only drink a small fraction of the stupidly gross quantities I used to drink when I was drinking 24/7. And my god does it show! I feel so much healthier. I don’t throw up, I don’t cry every time my alarm goes off after being up pretty much all night, with alcohol exhausting me even more. I could on and on, but I won’t. YUCK!! What a terrible way to live. I will never miss it and I’m grateful for baclofen, and for all you folks, every goddamn day because it has so far kept me from going back to being that sickly, miserable, drunken fool!

Anyway, I think I know what you were getting at. Being ready to give up drinking entirely requires a mental shift that builds over time. I’m preparing myself, little by little, each day. I’m just not fully there yet. I think that it might be the shock to my system (my mind) of going from drinking all the time always, to drinking only a set smaller amount at night, that’s tripping me up. I’m still adjusting to this (enormous!) change. And once I’ve adjusted, I’ll be fully ready for the next step. I’m think I’m getting there, sooner than later.

Anyway, today was another stressful day, but I smiled in public like a giant fool tonight. I realized that, not only do I only have one day left of work this week, I have ONE NIGHT left of taking the bus. The next time I go to work after that, it will be in my own car (assuming I pass the road test). What a wonderful thought! I’m thinking I should put a quit date on drinking, the same way I did with smoking. But then again, quitting smoking was WAY easier than quitting drinking, for this chick anyway. I don’t want to set myself up for unrealistic expectations, then drink because I failed. AIYEEEE!! Is that a real exclamation? I don’t even know, I just needed to scream for a bit. I hope you guys all have a great night :hug:

[StuckinLA]

Quick flyby to let everyone know we made it home for the holiday, and I am not drinking today. Will be back tomorrow for a little more of an update. Happy holiday, everyone.

[Lostinspace]

So glad to hear that you made it there safe, and that you’re not drinking, Stuck Please disregard my advice about the whole staying in bed until you feel better thing. For some reason, I thought you weren’t leaving to see the family for another few days :blush: I’m an idiot. Anyway, I hope you all have a great day out there. My husband and I are hitting the road to go see my parents right after I leave work today, and I’m not sure if I’ll be able to post on my failing iPhone or not. If not, then I hope you all have a happy holidays, and I’ll see you in a couple days.

[StuckinLA]

No, Lis, *I'm* the idiot. Drank right up to the wall, so to speak. Thank you to all who've contacted me to make sure I wasn't in *real* as in life-threatening trouble and to everyone showing support. Feeling *much* better today.

Have a good trip to your parents, Lis. I kind of lost track of everyone else's holiday plans, but I hope they are all lovely. Merry Christmas to those of you celebrating.

I think I'm going to hit up midnight mass with the family. Hopefully we're going to my grandma's church for it and not my mom's heinous megachurch, but whatevs.

[dundrinkn]

Ugh. Stopping by the liquor store to pick up beer for my step dad's christmas present. Been putting this off. Just fortified myself with chocolate. Hope this goes ok.

Happy, happy, merry, merry to all.