Here we go again

[Spiritfree]

Hey Kronk -do you really know how cool it is that you will be home with your son celebrating New Years? You may not know, but I bet your son will remember for a long-long time.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Hiya everybody!

Flyby from me, as I am leaving in a couple of hours for my inlaw's and rather than pack and get ready yesterday I moved from couch to chair to bed and read a couple of novels from start to finish. Unfortunately, I also nursed a bottle of wine from start to finish. My hangover just compounds the miserable feelings I have about not doing what I needed to do yesterday. And ouch, my head really hurts. (It is ironic that I really don't want to post this here, as it gives people who just don't get it ammunition. Which compounds the resentment I'm feeling about this place. <sigh> Not sure what that's about, either. Anyway...) Glad that you guys seem to be back on the bus, so to speak. Hope the days aren't too crazed, Kronk, but nice that you'll be able to relax with your son. Hope you get a break, too, Dun. Glad you got one, Stuck.

Lis, HOW DID IT GO???

We're going to the big city (Baltimore) for NYE. My parents live right downtown so we can walk to the harbor and avoid the hassles usually involved with watching the celebration. It's been years since we've done anything special on NYE. I'm really excited.

Anyone else have big plans?

[dundrinkn]

Hello All. Still here. Still not drinking. Still playing mind games with myself about it all. But won't drink today. Maybe tomorrow??? Lis, check in and let us know how it's going. Wondering how it went?? Ne -- wine hangovers are crappy. Sorry about that. Kronk -- even though I was already drinking in High School, I always spent New Year's with my mom watching "Casablanca." It is a fantastic memory!

[Lostinspace]

I hear you about the cleaning thing, kronk. When I had those two months of relative indifference on bac last summer, I went on a cleaning rampage. Now? I wait until my house starts to get a little gross. Then I wait some more, ignore it a while longer, wait some more, then “oh my god! How did I let this happen?!” Then I do some emergency cleaning. Oh, to be young on bac again That’s nice that you’ll be spending New Year’s Eve with your son. A quiet night at home with loved ones beats the pants off of any party, any day, at least in my book.

Ne - Don’t feel bad about not getting around to doing what you thought you *had* to get done yesterday. You just finished a semester. ‘Tis the season for kicking back on the couch and reading a couple books. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with some nasty wine after-effects. And seriously, let’s all try not to worry about what we post here. If something unfortunate gets posted as a result of our being honest, we can just ignore it like we’ve been starting to do. And have fun on New Year’s Eve! I have no plans myself, so I’ll just live vicariously through you. Let us know how it goes

dun - I’m so sorry to hear that you’re still struggling with those mind games. But you definitely have the right spirit. Not today, maybe tomorrow? The more you put it off, the more you have a chance to outlive the craving and develop a new way of thinking and living.

So I passed my road test Honestly, it all feels like a dream. Both last night and tonight, I started to brace myself for the cold, and pump myself up, as I was getting ready to leave work. I always had to mentally prepare myself for that unbearably long walk to, then wait at, the bus stop. When I once again realized that I can just jump in my car and go, I couldn’t help but smile. No more waiting out in the bitter cold, while my nose runs and my eyes tear up. It’s finally over! And just by driving instead of taking multiple buses a day, I shaved three hours off my commute! I’m gonna have so much time back. Sorry to go on and on, but it’s actually taking a while to sink in. After just shy of two and a half years of taking the bus (I lost my license on July 4, 2012), none of this feels real yet.

And after I left work today, I got to take a tour of the gym I’ll be joining. It’s definitely a no frills kind of gym, but what can I really expect for $10 a month? They have everything I could need. As far as cardio, they have treadmills, recumbent bikes, upright bikes, ellipticals, and a couple weird variations on ellipticals (doesn’t matter to me anyway - I HATE ellipticals - they’re of the devil. I’ll stick to the treadmills and bikes, thank you). They also have a wide array of weight machines and free weights, so sign me up. . . only the very kind woman who gave me the tour clued me in to the fact that they have a huge promotional offering (join for $1) starting on January 1. So, I guess I’m going back on Thursday.

Anyway, I wish I could say that I’ve kept up my AF stretch now that the holiday break is over. I cannot. I think I’m backwards from most people. These last several months, now that I'm not drinking 24/7, I’m finding it MUCH easier to stay sober on the weekends than I do during the week. On the plus side? I’m drinking so much less than I used to, I really should celebrate that, rather than beat myself up, at least for now. I’ve passed my intoxalock in the morning without a problem, two mornings in a row. Even though I already knew that would be the case (by a sizeable margin), it’s nice to have the confirmation. The amount I drink at night nowadays is nowhere near enough to make me still be blowing numbers the next morning. And of course, there's no need for any shots in the morning, or thereafter, now. For that, I am thankful. Anyway, I hope you all know, I really am working towards a brighter future. I’m just not there yet. And I’m very hopeful that my gym membership will further motivate me to stay sober for the WHOLE day, not just most of the day, then evenings excepted.

Anyway, enough out of me. I hope you all have a great night!

[kronkcarr]

Lis, congratulations. I'd say you served your time not driving. Now you can spend some of that 3 hours at the gym.

Ne, I like that you're honest. For me, it's important to see what others with years on baclofen experience.

dun, I wonder sometimes if my anxiety and thinking, thinking thinking has improved with bac. The first few months it did but now I wonder.

I can't think of a New Years that I haven't been home with my son except when it rolled over to 2000 and we were with a group of people at the beach. I'm not one to stay up until midnight. New Years is a silly holiday to me.

Stuck--you sounded on a good track. How's it now?

[StuckinLA]

Hi folks. First, happy new year - I wish you all the very best for 2105. Ne, sorry about the hangover, sweetie. Sounds like you took good care of yourself though.

Lis, I'm so excited for you and so proud of you. The car is AMAZING and so is the gym. Good for you, keep up what you're doing and use the car for as much AF motivation as you can.

I am doing all right. More or less. I'd been on a pretty good track but then slid back with a couple days of drinking. Then didn't drink on the plane home so I was able to drive us home. That was a good thing - the girl had been expecting to have to drive and she was ok with it, but turns out we got in later than expected. Anyway she had to work early, and a friend is here for the New Years football game in pasadena so we had to go way, way out of our way to pick him up on the way home. So it was nice that she got to sleep a little in the car while I drove. Anyway, he's a real big drinker, so yesterday we got pretty drunk and went out, and of course there's going to be a lot of drinking the next couple days.

I'm ok, but this isn't exactly how if wanted to spend this week. I'd really wanted to buckle down and finish some work on my dissertation and get ready for the next semester. Is also been a little worn out with travel and visiting and was ready to curl up with the girl and just relax. She was ready for that too. But now we've got to entertain and then next week we're going to Vancouver and then after that another friend is coming out for her (the friend's) birthday. We'll just keep on keep in' on.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Happy 2015!

Hoping it's a healthy and productive one for all of us.

[Lostinspace]

kronk - I hope you had a nice New Year’s Eve with your son. I’m not one to stay up until midnight, either. My husband and I used to do it in our early years together, until we realized that neither of us were actually having fun. Last night was a night like any other. Oh well.

Stuck - I’m sorry you’re having to spend this week entertaining, and not getting to relax and work on your dissertation, like you want to. All that socializing really can be exhausting. Hang in there.

Ne - Happy 2015 to you, too!

dun - How was your New Year's Eve?

Well, today’s gonna be a quiet day for me. Luckily, I have the day off from work, so I’m gonna head up to the gym and join it as soon as I feel awake and ready enough to work out. I hope it’s a great day for you all!

EDIT: I forgot to mention. I'm also going back up to 275 mg on bac today since I've been stable at 250 for a really long time now, and feel that I'm ready to go up again. I'll let you all know how it's going.

[Lostinspace]

So, I had New Year’s off and had my first workout at the gym today I was pretty amazed by how much I was able to do, considering I haven’t been going for my walks in well over a month now, and I haven’t done any more hardcore exercise in years. I guess my job, which keeps me running around like a lunatic all day, keeps me in better shape than I thought. Plus, I quit smoking a couple months ago (or was it even longer? I really haven’t been keeping track).

Anyway, I was able to do 45 minutes on the treadmill. I did 15 minutes of walking at 4 mph, then 15 minutes of running at 6 mph, then another 10 minutes of walking at 4 mph, only this time I did it on a 10 degree incline (oh my god, that was a killer! Walking fast on an incline is even harder than running. Or maybe I was just tired by that point. I’ll have to play around with it and see what works best). I finished up by doing a five minute cool-down (slower) walk at the end. I think that’s how you’re supposed to work out. But I forgot to stretch at the end - dammit! My legs feel like jello. I have a sneaking suspicion that I’ll be sore tomorrow.

I really want to incorporate some strength training into my routine, as well. But I feel so clueless in that area, I don’t even know where to begin. Luckily, this gym has a personal trainer on duty four days a week, and supposedly we can just ask him/her to teach us the ropes at no extra charge. I’m finding it really hard to believe that this gym can actually make money. I’m paying $10 a month, with access to a personal trainer whenever I want one (assuming they’re working that day).

How in the hell do they make money?! I’m sincerely curious because I had to give them my bank account info to sign up. They’ll be taking the funds directly from my account each month. There is no other payment option. Either you allow them to access funds from your account or you can’t be a member of their gym. I NEVER allow billers to directly take funds from my account each month, but I figure that if I’m not good for even ten bucks, then my problems are way bigger than this gym, so I went ahead with it. Am I an idiot? They’re a national franchise, with a gazillion locations everywhere.

I really hope I didn’t make a mistake because I loved working out there today. I felt so freeeeeeeeee. I have the freedom of a car. I can go to places like my gym, without it taking another three hours out of my day. I was so happy to be there, I wanted to keep on working out. OK, my legs are now defunct, but maybe I can work out my upper body on some of the weight machines? I decided not to. I have a recurrently dislocating shoulder. If I move it in the wrong position, or lift too much weight, it dislocates. I was afraid that my enthusiasm would get the better of me, and I would end up hurting myself, so I called it a day.

Oh my god, I’m so sorry to go on and on. But you have no idea how limited my life has been without a license. Something as simple as joining a cheap ass gym, and working out there, feels life altering. I am SSSOOOOO excited about the future. Not my job situation so much, because my lack of experience, and my large gaps in employment (due to either getting fired for drinking on the job or leaving the job because I knew I needed to go into detox and/or rehab because I couldn’t cut it anymore) are killing me. I’m very afraid that I’ll never get a job worth having. I’ve burned so many bridges, and f*cked myself over so many times, it’s depressing to even think about.

But I’ve been feeling positive today, so let’s just stick to the gym - yay! Anyway, I did start to drink after getting home from the gym. I’m not proud of that. I’m hoping the endorphin effect of exercise will grow on me. Also, I’m starting to go back up on bac again, after a long break from increasing, due to anxiety. I hope to soon hit the switch. I hope you all have a great night!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Sooo great and fun to read all of that! Yay, you! And energizing! Wow. Good stuff, Lis. Thanks for sharing!

[dundrinkn]

Lis!!! What great news -- license, gym, freedom, yay! Don't worry about them taking the money directly out of your account. All gyms work that way now. And keep that positive attitude. I'm telling ya, a new job and even brighter future is around the corner for you. Any way you can say you freelanced for the gaps in your employment history? Or tried to start your own business? Rather than focus on the shame you feel when you try to write your resume, try and come up with some creative ways to talk about your employement history. What the heck, it's your life, you lived it and you get to decide how you want to frame it. My mother calls it personal historical revisionism. Everybody does it -- countries, cultures, churches, organizations. And so can you. Rewrite that pesky past. If you can come up with a way to spin it in your head, and feel good about it, you won't even have to commit any "lies" to paper. You'll just be able to talk about it in a way that won't tend itself to questions. Give it a try.

I am well. Not drinking, just chilling. Going back in to work tomorrow, but only for a short while. New Year's was quiet, uneventful. Feeling good about the New Year... although the old year was fine too.

Hope everyone is having a relaxing time of it.

[Lostinspace]

Thanks, Ne. It is (quite literally) energizing. How have you been? Are you still at the in-law’s?

Thanks for the reassurance, dun. I’ve never before dealt with anyone who insisted on payment through direct deduction from my bank account. It’s usually one of a few options. I didn’t know that that’s the way gyms are going these days. I guess there were one too many non-payers?

And I really appreciate the suggestions about the gaps in my employment. My field doesn’t really lend itself to freelancing, but then again, I’ve only held one job in my field so far (my current one), so maybe I can come up with something. It’s just such a sticky situation. In order to list the last few jobs I’ve had, along with my timeline for working there, which is standard for a resume, I would also have to basically admit that I was out of work for longish periods of time. I’ll need to carefully craft my answers so that they’re believable. This will take a lot of thought (and input from my husband, friends, family, anyone who’s willing to help - I have no idea!!). But I will definitely keep up the positivity. I think there’s some truth to the idea that people who think good things have good things happen. Not always, but a positive attitude and a little confidence never hurt anyone.

Anyway, I’m glad to hear that you’re still AF and that you’re feeling good about the new year

I had another awesome workout tonight after work. I did the same amount of time on the treadmill, but I ran for 20 minutes instead of 15 (so five minutes fewer of walking with no incline). Also, I did drink again. No worries. I just increased my dose yesterday, so I guess it’s too early to have a benefit in the form of indifference. I’m starting to wonder if I should just do with alcohol what I did with cigarettes - set a quit date and stick to it no matter what. The only problems are a) I only tried to quit smoking a few times before I actually did it - it wasn’t a continuous struggle that my mind might blow off as “yeah, I’m quitting. What else is new?” and b) I’m much more firmly hooked on alcohol than I ever was on cigarettes.

Smoking filled a nervous hands/boredom/ritualistic kind of need that I’ve been able to replace with other things. But up until recently (since I’ve been on bac), drinking has always felt like a life-or-death kind of thing. And it also was, but I’m no longer physically addicted. The psychological addiction, however, is still alive, even with my reduced cravings. I'm having trouble letting it go. This is why I need to keep building my life up with all kinds of good things. Joining a gym was a good start. I can also now begin to volunteer with the group I spoke about a few weeks ago. And I can just go places for no other reason than the fact that I can I need to engage with life. That is what will help heal me, while I let baclofen do its job. Anyway, I hope you’re all having a great night!

EDIT: Oy!! My legs hurt more and more by the minute. I guess I was too soon in saying I wasn't that sore! So I guess it's time to scale back my efforts when I go to the gym tomorrow, and let my body heal.

[kronkcarr]

Lis, you sound positive. Keep on. It might be interesting if you set a quit date. Is your goal to not drink?

My holidays were good. No drunkeness no issues. And it's the weekend. Happy happy to all.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Middle of the night for me. <sigh> At least I've been able to go back to sleep after an hour or so.

Lis, we joined that gym and paid for it for 13 months and went twice. ($260 for nothing. pffft.) That's how they make money while still providing services! Seriously, I recently read that the vast majority of people who join a gym don't use it. It's also why they insist on automatic deductions, and (usually) an enrollment fee. It takes more effort to cancel it, in effect giving up on the idea that one will exercise, than it does to just pay the monthly fee.

When I first started working out, about two years before baclofen, I spent four months using the machines to lift weights. Finally, after being massively influenced by Lo0p's posts about fitness (and his pictures!) I started using free weights. Minimal weights, for the record. I got STRONG and started to really lose weight. It was pretty amazing. Can you find his thread about lifting? I would HIGHLY recommend ignoring the food stuff. It can be really triggering. (I'm a member of a Facebook group of women who lift heavy and some of them use IF. They consistently post about the fact that it can be negative for people who have had issues with eating.) Plus, I never did any of the IF stuff and I dropped significant weight very quickly. I know that's not your goal. My point is that I got strong, and quickly, with free weights as opposed to using equipment. On the other hand, I definitely didn't have the confidence to start with free weights...Hook up with the personal trainer at the gym, start on the machines, and start reading! I have two really good books to recommend but they're in the other room.

I'm good. Very excited about this year. For the first time in 3 years, we don't have anything really stressful going on. Everyone is healthy! (Knock wood and every other superstitious thing I can think of.) Finances are good, for us but also for my extended family. (The recession hit them hard.) There were a lot of other less important things going on that added to daily stress, and it's all over. (Massive construction in our yard, house stuff, etc...) And I'll graduate in May! Holy mother of all good things, I am ready to be done with this part of school. (I start a new program in the fall of 2015, but it won't be nearly as intense as this one.) And I get to get a J-O-B.

I feel you on that front. My resume is shot. I think I'm going to go with the fact that I was trying to be an artist or something. ha. I'm joking. Sort of. Let your recent accomplishments stand for what you are able to do, know that you can do what it is that you set out to do, and put a little trust in the universe. It's worked for me so far, and worked in spades for my husband. (Please note that he lost his job during a takeover, and found another one within weeks, at the height of the recession, for $20k more than he was making. [Allowing me to go back to school full time.] Good stuff happens. Something to remember!)

Kronk, as far as being honest...I think it's absolutely imperative. I hate that the measure of wellness is defined by abstinence. It's too pervasive. And in my opinion, it is counter-productive. The disease of addiction is defined by relapse. I know many, many people who have profound, life-altering relapses when they attempt to be completely abstinent. I know it's not for me. *For me*, it's the pattern of my behavior that defines whether or not I'm well or re-entering the throes of addiction. The people who define wellness as abstinence-only would see my recent bottle of wine as a harbinger of dreadful things to come. And that I'm delusional, or in denial, or risking way too much by even having wine in my house. Maybe they're right? But it's been 3 years and 11 months and things haven't gone haywire, so I feel pretty comfortable with where I am in relation to drinking. (I have had two glasses of wine since that day. One at dinner with family, and one on NYE. Still no craving and no horrible relapse in sight.) That's just my perspective. And I take an awful lot of baclofen! 200 mg ensures that I'm not going to go down the rabbit hole when I open the cork. Maybe I could take less baclofen if I enforced abstinence? But I don't think that would work for me. I think I would still (very occasionally) drink, despite my best intentions. It happened for 20++ years, so no reason to think that would change now.

Hope it's a good day, everyone. I'm back to bed now.

[kronkcarr]

Ne--your year sounds exciting. How cool to move forward as opposed to just maintaining like I did for so many years. I hear you about abstinence. I agree that some relapses are life altering--my drinking the day after Thanksgiving is an example. For me I have no desire to abstain. I feel like it's a set up for failure and a set up for white knuckling. My goal has always been to stop mindless over drinking at home alone. For 2 years on bac I've been successful and thankful. I am now only bothered by my lack of get up and go. I did clean my house today but I am basically a hermit except for work.