Here we go again

[Lostinspace]

Ne - I’m so sorry things are so hard for you right now, and I would agree wholeheartedly with tk. Talk to your professors. You’d be amazed how understanding they can be if you’re just honest and explain what’s going on. And just get up and do whatever you can manage to do. I know it feels impossible right now, but by forcing yourself, you’re setting yourself up to start to feel better. Get out and walk for just a little while. Or if you can’t manage that, just go window shopping somewhere, or go admire the work of local artists - something to get out of the house. Please be gentle with yourself. And know that this will pass, and that you CAN bounce back from the assignments hanging over your head. Your professor will understand if you’re honest. Hang in there sister :hug:

dun - same goes for you (minus the professor advice). I’m glad you’re going to meet a friend for coffee. Getting out is the best thing you can do right now. Although being with another person, and having to pay attention, may very well feel like an unbearable chore. If so, pledge to do something small for yourself to go out on your own. Same advice, go out for a walk, as long as you can manage. Go into town to see something (hell, even treat yourself to a movie or a dinner out - you don’t need someone else there. I’ve done it a bunch of times before when I started feeling down). You may feel dead inside right now, but if you keep doing it, it will grow on you. Same to you, hang in there sister :hug:

I’m sorry to hear you’ve been overworked, kronk. I hope you can get a break soon. And I’m only on 300 mg at this point, but after reading that article that was posted a while back about how a small minority of bac users need insanely high doses, it’s got me scared. I guess for now, I should stop freaking out about my eventual dose, and just concentrate on improving on the dose I’m on because no, I’m not content overall. By the medical definition, I still binge drink every night. It sure as hell doesn’t feel that way to me, but I’m also sure it’s not good for my health and other life pursuits (like actually working on my resume and caring enough to get a better job).

Also, it’s a very small thing, but proofreading my posts here? Such a pain in the ass. It takes me for-ev-er. And I wouldn’t make so many mistakes in the first place if I weren’t typing while buzzed.

By the way, I LOVE that song. It was one of my theme songs when I was 18 or so. I guess I should use it for improvement purposes (like when I’m running, like you did), and not take it so literally - oops! I really hope you can overcome your injury soon. Any improvement?

Fred - I feel for you. I’ve had similar experiences to you with high doses of another class of medications many years ago, as well as what I’ve experienced with antidepressants. I think a retrospective thread would be a great idea. It would be good, both for you and others, to see how far you’ve come in all this time. I’m gonna send you a PM after I’m done typing here.

Anyway, I met with the personal trainer today. It was cool. She showed me a couple weight machine exercises that could help with my upper body. I have a pretty bad shoulder problem (recurrent dislocations - so many I’ve lost count!). In addition to increasing overall strength, I really want to build up my shoulders, so that was much appreciated. OK, other than that, I went in with a list of questions. (She was quite impressed - or possibly freaked out by how neurotic I am, to have a whole list of questions).

But besides answering some of my weight lifting questions, she also taught me how to use one of those elliptical-like machines - god, the name is escaping me. Turns out when you hit “quick start,” the machine automatically goes into resistance level 15. You have to dial it down from there. No wonder my leg muscles felt like they were about to jump out of my body in protest! So I guess I can do some cardio while I’m waiting for my ankles to heal enough to run again

Besides that, much is the same. But I really do thank you all for your advice. I will be happy with what I’ve got, and make adjustable plans to slowly, but surely, taper down from where I am - and to rack up as many AF days as I can! Addiction isn’t fixed overnight. And now that I’ve gotten a solid help with that (bac), I can make small improvements as needed, until it’s nothing at all. (I hope). I hope you all have a great night!

[kronkcarr]

dun, hahaha! I feel ya! I'd rather chew my arm off too than be social. Ever since I've been on bac I've been a loner. 2+ years in I'm wondering about it. Maybe I was always this way but drinking made me social and animated?

Lis, I'm so glad you got with a trainer. Now you'll have some direction and maybe miss out on some injuries.

I had prolotherapy on the tendon on Monday so hopefully I'm on my way to healing. Plus the Dr and the office are outstanding so we're in the process of setting up a referral network. So it will mean that the people we work with have better options. It's exciting and it means more work. I know I griped about too much work but it is my business so...I just have to pay attention so I don't crash and burn.

tk, great advice. I took some of it today. Ne, I hope tomorrow's easier for you.

Stuck, I'm missing hearing from you.

[Spiritfree]

Hi Ne -
I am so very sorry that you find yourself in the place that you are now. You are a good person and you deserve peace, joy, and contentment. It takes courage to post the post that you posted. And Ne,

You may have already listened/seen the following, but these two have sure meant a lot to me -especially in my darker days:

(1) Confessions of a Depressed Comic:

http://www.ted.com/talks/kevin_breel_confessions_of_a_depressed_comic?language=en

(2) Todd Rudgren -The Wheel

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HaP9vfotwvA

Lyrics:
Some people say life's like a merry-go-round
I think it's more like a ferris wheel
'Cause sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down
Sometimes you just don't know what to feel

And just when you think you've got the game figured out
And you say you've had enough
The mysterious mad man with his hand on the lever
Don't seem to never ever want to let you off

You can't get off this wheel of karma
You can't stop the hands of time

Now I have a friend, I might have a few
Sometimes I think they just don't care
But I think sometimes they think the same thing of me, yeah
You might say we've got a problem there

You know we all got this habit
We like to talk too much
And that always tends to slow you down
But we never change direction
We just keep going round and round and round and round

And let me off this wheel of karma
Let me stop the hands of time

Seems like I've been around so many places
And I must have learned a lot of things
And although I ain't yet come up with a so-called answer
At least I think I finally learned how to sing

And there's just a few things I ain't got sorted out
Sometimes they make my brain get sore Like if kids were left to their own devices
Would they ever come up with a thing like war

And Ne, you already know this, but there is light at the end of tunnel.
Peace to Ya Ne.
SF/SW

[LadyLush]

Wow spirit,
I thought you left? No, I know you did, at least twice. Do you really think anybody here thinks you are genuine? Do you have any idea how disruptive you are to people struggling to get a grip on this disease? You left the Meds site, stick to your nonsense rambling think you know it all posts and leave. I am still trying to figure out where the dislike button is? But dislike is much too gentle for a troll like you. Stick to your asinine last post and keep your word.

Sincerely,

Wirklich, keine Aufrichtigkeit zu Ihnen in dieser Lebenszeit.

LL

Sorry everyone, but enough is enough.

[LadyLush]

dé·jà vu noun \ˌdā-ˌzhä-ˈvü, -ˈvue\
: something that has happened many times before : something that is very familiar

And you thought I only knew German!

And your poetry and/or lyrics suck.

LL

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Ha, Dun! Thanks for the smirk. (I read some dystopian sci fi recently and when the world goes, I want to go with it. Fortunately, I'm too old to be on the rescue bus, anyway. )

LL, been a while!

Tk, I did not take your advice. I was fresh out of the shower when I read it, contemplated going out until I stepped outside and noped that idea. Gray, drizzly and brrr.

I feel better this morning. Thank all that matters for sleep and a new dawn.

Actually looking forward to class and getting out of the house and facing the music, maybe? Today we're supposed to be doing things to practice and demonstrate the skills we've been studying. hmmm. Should be interesting.

Thanks, all.

Late as usual, so back tomorrow to catch up.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

I am not at all fond of the emotis on this board.

[Cassander]

Hi LL -- nice to "hear your voice". Hope all is well. Cass

[Lostinspace]

I’m the same way, kronk - a relentless introvert, even though I long to expand my horizons (and eventually will - once I get a damn new job and stop looking for distractions!). In fact, drinking never helped that much. Even when I was drinking constantly, I was always still most content to be at home by myself. But when I was forced to socialize, or when the opportunity arose to get together with an old time, but now long distance friend, drinking definitely made me seem like a much more outgoing person, and made me comfortable with everything. Now when I attend things sober, like family get togethers, I feel like a fish out of water.

That’s great that you’re getting treatment for your injury. I had to look up prolotherapy, but it sounds good. I hope you have a speedy recovery, and can get back in the game, really soon. And that’s awesome that you may be able to expand your business by networking with this doctor’s office Good things happen where you least expect them.

Thanks for dropping in LadyLush. I appreciate it. Although I have no idea what you said after the “Sincerely” part :blush: Is that a well-known German saying that I'm ignorant of? Or are you just cursing a little, in a language I'm not familiar with?

Ne - I’m so glad to hear that you’re feeling better and more motivated I know facing the music really sucks. It’s hard, but once it’s over, it’s really worth it once you get everything settled with your professor and you have a game plan.

Anyway, I’m a little disappointed in the machine that personal trainer showed me. Turns out it does hurt my ankle when done past the one or two minutes we did it together. On a bright note, I found that I actually can do a really hard, sweat-inducing, workout on the upright bike. It’s all good. My left ankle is perfectly fine. I’m just waiting for the right one, which is getting better.

Outside of that, everything’s the same. I tried to push myself to taper, but it just didn’t work out once I was inside the liquor store, making my purchase. I will try again tomorrow, and better yet, I will try for at least one AF day this weekend. Anyway, I hope you all have a great night!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Prolotherapy sounds really interesting, Kronk. I hope it works well for you. Have you had steroid injections, too? Or is that something that wouldn't work for your injury?



I don't think of myself as an introvert, but I suppose that my behavior would indicate that I am. It's weird. A lot changed when I gave up drinking. Or maybe it was before then, actually? I always thought of myself as spontaneous, too. Then I (finally!) figured out that I really crave routine. And do much better when things are pretty stable, and regular. (Which is not to say that I think I could ever have a 9-5, M-F job. It would kill me. Actually, I'd just quit. Done that WAY too many times to want to think about.) Other self-revelations for another day.



I am...inexplicably better. Or maybe not inexplicably. Remember that I told you I accidentally doubled my dose of antidepressant? And then stopped and started taking it as prescribed? Doubled it again the day before yesterday. hmmm. It's not supposed to work that quickly, and shouldn't necessarily have a dramatic effect. Maybe it's psychosomatic? Whatever, I'll take it.



Honestly, it could have just as much to do with having somewhere to go, and something to do, other than mope around the house all day thinking about all the stuff I should be doing and just don't want to do. I really need to get a J-O-B. I think I may have used up all of my self-motivation over the last 4 years, and now it's time to let someone else (and a paycheck) be the guide (and motivation) for a little while. Ya' know? It's exhausting waking up everyday and trying to organize myself when the only goals I have in life are the ones I've made up. (I know all you working peeps out there are playing tiny violins...But I think you know what I mean.)



Class was really good yesterday. And I don't quite believe it myself, but it doesn't look like there are going to be any repercussions for the work I didn't complete. I just have to do it. Can you believe it??? It's unreal. Turns out she doesn't really care about the small stuff and just wants it done. Plus, this stuff we did yesterday was unlike anything we've ever done before and it was really interesting, enlightening and fun.



Thank all that matters for small mercies. Can I get a hallelujah or something?



Hope it's a good day.

[dundrinkn]

Hallelujah! That's great news. Ne. The feeling better and the no terrible consequences. Love it.

I am angry today. Flipped last night on a dime, actually. This morning I was slamming cabinet doors and my son asked "why are you slamming things?" Hmm. I didn't know. I was wondering if it isn't just my systems organic attempt to move out of depression. Burning it off or something. Not sure.

I was very close to drinking last night. My thinking was that I am sick, sick, sick, of being stuck in my head. That not drinking just throws me further into the ditch of my own shit. At least when I am drinking, I have some motivating. I really bought into that whole AA thing -- that if I don't drink today, that's all I have to do. Well that's bullshit. Really. That just makes me a big sober slug.

This morning I was really grateful not to be hungover. And I don't seem to be so heavy, tired, in the mud. But my thinking is bad. Really crazy bad. I used to think that if I just stayed sober long enough, the thinking would get better. It doesn't. I am on the edge of making an appt with the psychiatrist. In fact, maybe I will do that. Try some prescribed drugs for a change.

I was reading a story about a couple who did those 36 questions that were in the NYTimes that supposedly help you fall in love with your partner again. I was reading the questions, and I went into a flippin' panic. Not because I freaked about the potential of being vulnerable with my partner. But just thinking about some of the questions was so anxiety producing. Most embarrassing moment. If you died today, what would be left unsaid and to whom. Eeek.

The strange thing is... A lot of the time I can dig deep and go there and be really comfortable in exploring those types of questions. But right now, this anxiety is keeping me right at the surface and not wanting to drop into anything. Oh well. Guess I will drop into work for a while.

I really understand the structure thing Ne. I hate being told what to do and when to do it. But I also really need to have structure and I'm not good at coming up with it on my own. Luckily I have a job that provides some structure with a lot of flexibility. Very grateful for that today too.

And so happy it's Friday. Not that I don't tend to drop into a vat of nothingness on the weekend... Blech. I can't stand myself right now.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Yep. All that cheeriness bright and early this morning wore off after a couple of hours. I've moved from couch to bed and back again.

I know this anxiety. It's the one that has crippled me my entire life. I get to the end and I just. can't. do. anymore. It would be so easy to do this work. wtf is wrong with my mind?

I hear ya' dun. I wish I could blame booze. Jesus, lame as it is, I really wish I could. Something is going on in this mind that is really fucking me up. And sadly, it ain't fear of failure. Would that I had been cursed with that problem.

I will do some exercise. tomorrow. Please.

[Lostinspace]

Ne, you just got done with a long day. What do you expect? People aren’t invincible. Don’t set yourself up by thinking that you’re too tired now, so you must be fucked. No!! You’re doing great, and that’s all that matters for now. I knew your professor would be understanding. That’s such a relief that you now know that all you have to do is make it up. And you’re coming into a weekend - the perfect time for all that make-up crap. TONIGHT? Just relax! Take it easy. Do whatever it is you want.

And yeah, getting a job is a great idea to build more structure into your life. But there’s nothing wrong with waiting until you’re done with your degree. You can get a job as an actual nurse, rather than putter around with something you know you’re going to drop in another few months. But of course, it’s up to you. If you think having a job will help you build up momentum and structure, rather than distract you from your studies, then have at it - BUT, only part-time if you can help it.

Personally, I was VERY fortunate in that, when I was going through school, my husband made enough that I could get away with working only two to three eight-hour days a week. (Why, oh why did I encourage him to go into business for himself? We’re now nearly broke). Anyway, if there’s any way to get through this semester without doing something that will take time away from your studies, that’s a good thing. I’m not talking about not getting any job. A part-time job can be very helpful for keeping you on your toes, not allowing you to stay in all day and sulk. But a full-time job, on top of school, can be really exhausting. I’m not sure what your semester’s like, but if you’re doing school full-time, I would advise against a full-time job if you don’t have any financial need for it.

I’m sorry you’re in such a rough space, dun. Anger, in addition to being an animated state of coming out from depression, can also be the alter ego of anxiety, which it sounds like you have a lot of. I think going to a psychiatrist is a great idea. I resisted it for a long time because of bad experiences in the past, but I found one who understands what I’m going through (both alcohol dependence and anxiety/panic/depression-wise), and is receptive. If you don’t like the one you’re seeing, fire him/her. Then see another.

As far as drinking goes, if it makes you feel any better, it doesn’t work past a few hours. My anxieties start to settle in before I even go to sleep! Seriously, I’m still drinking and I am also very sick of being stuck in my head. I take medication to get to sleep, but regardless, I’m waking up at 2 in the morning, and not being able to get back to sleep for at least two hours, shortly before that goddamn alarm goes off! Because my head is filled with worry over every god damn thing under the sun, including what the hell am I supposed to do if, and when, my husband dies? What if my parents get sick and need around the clock care? Aaaaaaah! Trust me, it’s not worth it. Drinking doesn’t solve sh*t. It only makes you feel better for a few hours, then reality sets in.

Anyway, I wish you the best dun - truly, you can make it another day Hang in there :hug:

Otherwise, I’m alright. I’m already too buzzed to be typing. I finished everything for the night. Usually I’m only about 3/4 of the way through what I buy when I post, so I apologize in advance if I sound like a major douchenozzle. Anyway, I somehow built up the courage to ask my boss for a reference today (while couching it in terms that made it seem like I’m just thinking about my long-term career goals).

I blah-blahed quite a bit. I’m too buzzed to talk about it now, but suffice it to say, my boss was receptive He said he would give me a reference, and that he’s happy I brought it to his attention that I’m thinking of moving on. It’s all good. Anyway, I’m losing steam. I wanna go lie down and watch tv. I hope you all have a great night!

[jmoore]

Too tired to respond right now but I Loved your Post. I will read it over and over! Thanks!

[StuckinLA]

I've been terribly remiss in not posting, and not reading back. Busy busy here, and actually getting some good work done. Still behind, awfully behind, it feels like but if I keep on going I think I'll be on track. Didn't drink for a couple days over a solid week, but then went out last night. The girl was a little upset - not that I went out for 2 or 3 hours, said I'd be home by 10 and came back at 11 - but she was upset at the prospect of another bender. That's been the trend lately, but I woke up this morning with a pretty substantial headache and a hangover, not anxiety. So I spent all day working and I met her after work and we two drinks and some food before going to see a movie. I am having a couple beers now before bed, but pretty low key.

I know, dancing with the devil or playing with fire or whatever you'd like to call it. I haven't slept through the night in at least a month. I wake up at least once, sometimes twice or more, and usually long enough to go have a cigarette. It sucks. And drinking/not drinking is surely to blame, but so is stress. Anyway, that's where I'm at. Hope everybody has a good weekend. I'll try to be around more (I know I keep saying that...).