Here we go again

[Lostinspace]

Hi jmoore. Welcome to the forum! I’m glad you found something here that means something to you. I also saw on another thread that you’re starting Topamax. I’ve never been on that medication in particular, but it seems to help a lot of people, so I wish you the best in your journey to sobriety. Oh, and I’m also a shots only, no mixers, kinda girl

Stuck, thanks for checking in. I’m glad you’re getting some solid work done on your dissertation. I know it probably feels like a monster on your shoulders right now. You said it was due in March, I think? But, just keep plugging along at it, and it will come. It sounds like you’re doing somewhat OK, alcohol-wise. AF days might be interrupted, but so long as you’re able to keep it in check, and not let it spiral into a bender, that’s good for now. You can work on the rest with time. And yeah, sleep is hard to come by. I’m not a good sleeper, so I can’t really comment on what’s normal, but I hope you find a balance that works for you soon.

Ne, I really hope I didn’t offend you by downplaying your feelings yesterday. What I meant to say, and what I should have said, is that wild emotional swings are completely normal when you’re coming out of a depression. Please don’t let another instance of feeling like “oh god, I can’t deal with it, f*ck it all to hell!” let you think that that’s how it’s gonna be this semester, or for your future. It doesn’t have to be. It’s just part of getting back to normal. I’m painfully familiar with your brand of self-sabotage, and it doesn’t have to be that way. I don’t wanna say too much else here, but feel to contact me personally if you want to hash it out with someone who’s been there, and overcame it, at least long enough to get through school (can’t say much for my life since then :P). Although, I've had two major school experiences since then that I did not overcome, and severely regret. It didn't have to be that way. I'm just sayin'. Anxiety/depression can be overcome.

Anyway, I worked on my resume a bit today and I’m trying to put a positive spin on what I do know and what I can offer. I’m feeling a little more confident now that I have at least one solid reference. Other than that, I went to the gym, and that actually is my only real source of self-esteem at this point. I can now squat and deadlift twice the weight of when I started. (I won’t say what weight that is. It sounds much more impressive to say it the way I just phrased it ). I also added a few more exercises to my regime. If only I felt as strong in the rest of my life as I do in the gym :/ Anyway, I hope you’re all having a lovely Saturday!

[StuckinLA]

I really gotta read back on this thread - Lushy is around and posting??

Anyway, yeah. We went to see a movie last night and got home around 10:30 or so. The girl got in bed and did whatever on her phone - she plays lots of games on the phone and then there's twitter and everything else. I watched some tv on my laptop in the living room. Stopped in the bedroom a couple times to check on her, turned on the spaceheater 'cause she was cold, turned the light out, that sort of thing. She fell asleep holding a tissue, and I can only imagine she was really down about me being out in the other room and drinking. I hope that's not the case, but she was gone when I woke up late today, and I have no idea where she is. We're drifting apart. She's trying to find a night/weekend extra job, but hasn't told me much about it. I don't even know anymore, and I can't be bothered to try to know. I just want to finish the couple of things right in front of me and keep the edge off.

When we were in bed the night before last, when I'd been out, she was talking about my drinking and us and a few other things. I kept my damned mouth shut, but what I was thinking was 'well then whatever happens at the end of this summer, with my job prospects or whatever, let's just go ahead and part ways'. Yeah, I don't know if that was me just being drunk and resentful, or if that's how I really feel.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Thanks so much for your words, Lost. It means a lot. And I'm glad you can relate. But also, it helped me remember that this isn't insurmountable.

Class all day tomorrow and I have NO energy right now. I'm glad I'm going to be busy, though. And out of the house!

Stuck, saw your update on the other thread, too. Sounds like you're in a really tough position right now. Thoughts?

More from me laters.

[StuckinLA]

It's a bit of a pickle, for sure. We talked a lot last night, without really resolving anything, and then went for a walk and had a few drinks together at the bar. Things are better today. Much better. I'm feeling OK more or less, and ready to kind of sober up for the week. There's almost no booze here, just one beer left in the fridge. I am thinking if I do go out it'll be to pick up only a six pack and try a wee bit of a taper today, we'll see.

Maybe pulling it together during the week will work for a bit? Who knows. Anyway, back to writing my diss. See ya' again soon, peeps.

[Lostinspace]

Stuck - I’m sorry you’ve been having a lot of problems in your relationship, but that’s great that things are looking brighter today. You may not have resolved anything specifically, but it sounds like you’re both feeling better, having opened up the lines of communication. Not drinking during the week is a good goal. Good luck working on your dissertation.

Ne - I hope your classes go well tomorrow. You’ll get more energy once you push yourself to get up and going.

So I promised myself I would have at least one AF day this weekend, and I did. It didn’t turn out to be very productive, though. I didn’t see any jobs worth applying to today. And I still can’t figure out how to make my resume look better. At least I did spend some time on it. Other than that, I've just been watching movies because that will definitely help me get another job. Anyway, I hope you all have a great night!

[kronkcarr]

Hi to everyone,

Lis, that's good, in my opinion, that you had an AF day. Maybe another this week?

Ne, the prolo was for a tendon reattaching to the bone. I'd post the video of it but then you'd all see my crotch! I'm "running" in the pool and "biking" on my bed and couch. All those months of training and building up mileage and I'm starting over.

Stuck, when I over drank my thoughts were similar to yours except I'd always leave the guy instead of just letting it go how it went. I remember that first post I made to you about saving yourself a lot of heartache and wasted time.

All's ok here. Here's a web site that lists running songs by pace. It's not well set up because the paces are all mixed but maybe you'll find some good songs.

https://jog.fm/workout-songs?page=4

[Ne/Neva Eva]

I think we can all agree to a "no-crotch-pictures" policy. Too bad, though, 'cause I'd love to see the video.

All's plugging along here. blech. Whatever. Better than yesterday? pffft.

On that cheery note, back later.

[kronkcarr]

Here's a song I blast when I'm toward the end of a run and my mind starts whining:

http://youtu.be/n-HjBB2HRpg

[Lostinspace]

Thanks so much for the running music, kronk! My ankles are finally getting to a point where I can start to do it again, so I’ll definitely try that out. And I love that Cake song! I actually have that whole album on CD, courtesy of an ex-boyfriend. I could see how it helps you push beyond those whiny, last few minutes.

I’m sure it’s tremendously frustrating to have to start over after having built up to running 10 miles. But you’re not really starting over. You’re getting over an injury. Your body, your muscles, still remember how to do it. I mean, I don’t think it’s been all that long since you stopped? Once you’re past the injury, you should be able to progress really quickly this time around. That’s so great to hear that you’re getting better enough to run in a pool and bike in bed and on the couch. So the prolotherapy is working?

And yes, I am planning on trying for another AF day this week. I’m actually gonna shoot for more than that, but just so I don’t get disappointed and hate myself, I’m setting the “official” bar at one more day.

Ne - What’s up with the no-crotch-pictures policy? You’re no fun. Anyway, I hope you’re doing well today :hug:

So, I just got home from the gym a little while ago. I got back on the treadmill because, today is the first day since my ankles swelled up like basketballs, that I don’t feel any pain I made sure to go lightly (I think - I don’t know - I thought I was going easy enough the first time, but I was obviously wrong!). I just ran for 10 minutes, did 12 minutes of walking on an incline, with a few minutes of regular walking to start, cool down, and in between, totaling 31 minutes. God, I wish my body came with an instruction manual because I really don’t know when I’m pushing too hard!

Anyway, other than that, I drank. So today will not be one of my AF days, but I’ll keep shooting for that. I hope you all have a great night!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

That sounds painful, Kronk. I hope the prolo works well and quickly. What's the prognosis for recovery? And starting over sucks, man. But as we've already mentioned, the gainz come more quickly to the newbie. Not that I'm motivated enough to find that at the moment.

I think your body will tell you when you've over done it, Lis. Then you have to listen. Nice on the AF day. It's enough achievement that accomplishing anything else isn't exactly necessary to make it a good day. Right?

I'm still in the dregs, and not willing to talk about it here yet. It's very irritating that I feel like I have to temper my words about drinking because I'm likely to get emails or posts that just irritate the shit out of me. I'm already irritable.

(The following is babbling nonsense.)
So I'll tell you about a dilemma I have. I am alarmed and saddened about the plight of our feathered friends, so decided to start feeding them. Can't do it in the backyard, because squirrels are bait for husky puppies, and one of them is likely to get hurt. Pete already kills the voles/moles in the backyard. (I don't know the difference.) Plucks them out of their holes after digging determinedly. It is...sad and disgusting. Day before yesterday, she had a live one in her mouth. Ed heard it squeaking and tried to save it and she would not give it up for love or threat of injury. We both had our hands in her mouth and around her body, trying to get the poor mashed thing out. She swallowed it whole. ugh.

So I have to achieve some sort of balance. I love birds and bird feeders and I particularly love squirrel antics. BUT we have a mouse problem. In the house. Actually, in my study, which is next to the garage. We put out poison, which has been tapped into. And that's the real problem with the puppy eating rodents. I mean I hate that she does it, but I could shrug it off, if there wasn't this underlying concern that perhaps it is a poisoned thing. I am relatively comfortable that moles/voles aren't in the garage/house. And that the garage/house mice aren't making homes in the backyard, but Ed FREAKED out about her rodent-snack. He was absolutely livid, because I think he was so scared. (ugh. Men, it's okay to be scared. Not that I don't get angry...Anyway.) (And that reminds me, I don't want to say this too bluntly, but sex does not fix things for chicks. I know this. I know I'm generalizing, but trust me. Ya' gotta say words! Back to minding my own business now...)

And here's the crux of the dilemma. I bought 22 lbs of sunflower seeds, because it was cheaper than buying the smaller bags. I think I was thinking dog-sized appetites, because 22 lbs is probably enough to last until 2017. I realized today that the mice have gotten into the sunflower seeds, and now I'm baiting them with food and killing them with poison. But I LOVE watching the antics at the bird feeders.

What would you do?

Here's a pic:

EDIT: It's a lousy pic, but there are two upside down squirrels at the bird feeders, holding on for dear life because the things are slippery, and wobbly, and it's hysterical. Amuses both me and Pete.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Ack. That was a very long post about mice. And birds and squirrels. Bottom line is that I hate having poison in my house, but from what I understand, mice ain't no joke and we can't have 'em hanging around. I'll have to figure out a way to mouse-proof or ditch the seeds.

I was so excited to see Pete's reaction to her first snow! We all slept in, so we all trudged out together with the camera. Aaaaand, it's only a 1/2 inch, and she barely noticed. Hopefully we'll get at least one snow worthy of a husky puppy! (Preferably on the day of my final.) (And just one, thank you very much.)

Hope it's a good day and that you NEerners are bundled and cozy with plenty of white bread and toilet paper.

[Lostinspace]

I’m really sorry you’re still feeling so down in the dumps, Ne, and that you don’t want to talk about it. I hope you can find a way to get it out soon. If not here, is there anyone in real life that you can hash things out with? Hang in there :hug: It really will get better.

As for the bird feeder, can you put the seed into a large plastic bucket that the mice can’t get into? I had a somewhat similar problem. I feed squirrels and chipmunks. There have been a few occasions where a chipmunk was able to break into my house (probably because my husband leaves the garage doors open in hot months - he’s converted the garage into his shop). Anyway, they found, and massacred, the feed bag that I have for them.

So I started putting everything into a huge plastic bucket with a lid that’s so difficult to open, that even I have trouble opening it. (The bucket my husband gave me says “corn skillet bread” on the side of it - where does he get this crap from?!) My point is, though, that if you put all that feed into a large plastic bucket, with a secure lid, the mice won’t get in. Then all your little outside critters can be happy, without worrying about attracting pests inside your home.

And I’m sorry snows are so uncommon where you live (for your puppy’s sake only. For the rest of us, it’s a pain in the ass!). I wish you a husky-worthy snow this winter. Hell, I’ll happily give you some of ours - they seem to happen every day.

Anyway, I didn’t make it to the gym today. It was supposed to be strength training day, and, based on how unreasonably tired I am, as well as how poorly I navigated the few heavy lifting opportunities I had at work, I decided to put it off for a day. I hope that’s not bad. I already put two full days in between my strength training workouts, rather than try to do it three times a week, because I just don’t feel like my body is ready for that. But now, of course, I’m worried that I’m leaving too long in between. I just can’t win. I hate perfectionism. I’ve toned it down to a great degree already, and it’s still ruining my mindset. I wish my perfectionism actually did something good for me in this lifetime, instead of holding me back and making me scared of everything!

Other than that, today is also not an AF day. Maybe tomorrow? We’ll see. I hope you all have a great night!

[StuckinLA]

That's a lot of sunflower seeds.

How 'bout getting a cat to get rid of the mice?

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Thanks for the advice about the seed. I'll do that today. I have a stainless steel trashcan that they won't be able to climb. At least I think...

I am SO relieved that you're taking more time between your workouts. I'm not sure what you think is "perfect" but generally people aim for three workouts a week. Total. Doing cardio and strength training is generally frowned upon, if one is serious about doing one or the other. But if one is just looking to get healthy, and stay that way, then doing both together is the norm. (30 min on cardio, say, and a focused strength training...)

As I said before, I'm not an afficionado about the workout stuff, partly by design. When it comes right down to it, there are too many experts and they all seem to think their way is the *only* way. It was never my goal to lose so much bodyfat someone could see my muscles (and not my boobs...At least not totally!) Nor was I trying to run races and win them. But if you want to do either of those things, then focusing on one or the other is a good idea.

I'm just sayin' (again) I'm relieved that you are listening to your body.

As for my depression...hmmm...I got nothing. Not ready to talk, or write.

I think I'm in a place of acceptance. That's interesting, since I hadn't really thought about it that way before. I'll try that on for a couple of days.

Btw, kronk, I think you had posted that song before, and it's on my ipod. Love that one.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

That's a lot of sunflower seeds.

How 'bout getting a cat to get rid of the mice?

It is a completely ridiculous amount of sunflower seeds. I am actually considering a cat to go with the dog. Ed's pretty much ruled out another dog, and I am pretty sure there is no way either of us want to go through another year of puppyhood, now or later.

But one pet doesn't seem like enough. ha. I figure you can relate. I've always wanted a Siamese cat. I wouldn't consider buying one, but I'm pretty certain I could bring one home and Ed would just be outraged and passive-aggressive for a week or so. When I got our first two dogs, that was all it took.