Here we go again

[Ne/Neva Eva]

There is no question in my mind that my perfectionism (or whatever the hell is related to that) is at the heart of my inability to do anything at all right now.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Can I just add something else about the working out?

Lo0p (and others here and many, many others) would (and did) say that free-weights are the way to go. And he had a point. But what he didn't understand is that the gym was my lifeline, my way out of the house and into a space on a regular basis. I wasn't trying to rush it or get buff-beyond-belief in the shortest amount of time. I was trying to create...space.

And there is one on here who is a huge proponent of cardio everyday. But that's pretty isolating, too. At least it would have been for me initially. (Well, plus, I smoke. Cardio for extended periods of time is really hard for me.) He also has a point, since it is absolutely proven that daily cardio improves just about everything. But again, it wasn't the right choice for me.

Just had to share those experiences.

[kronkcarr]

Yep, I posted Nugget before when I was irritated with someone here. Here's another Cake song I like when I've gotta get moving:

http://youtu.be/7KJjVMqNIgA

I like the way they rip it.

Ne, the prolo process is interesting. For 4 days I did nothing as far as working out. Then I was to use a float belt and run in the deep end of the pool for a week. It's too cold so I've "bicycled" on my bed but my core strength isn't so good so I 1 legged biked. Next week I can start the elliptical.

I go back in a month for more injections. The goal is to get my immune system to build up connective tissue to better attach my tendon to the bone. The whole process depends on a lot--my immune system, nutrition, vitamin and mineral levels etc. I'll let you know.

Lis, I agree with Ne, it's good you're listening to your body. Some days we have it and some days we don't. You'll know if you're being lazy.

Again, nothing new here.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Gooood morning! I had a dream last night that I was on SNL with Peter Dinklage. Mind you, I didn't really know who Peter Dinklage was before I woke up and googled it. ha! And then he bought me $1000 in gift cards from Hallmark, because that's where his girlfriend worked. Weird. Nice to dream, though.

I got nothing. But I posted enough yesterday to make up for it.

Kronk, that is really interesting. Keep us posted!

[terryk]

Gooood morning! I had a dream last night that I was on SNL with Peter Dinklage. Mind you, I didn't really know who Peter Dinklage was before I woke up and googled it. ha! And then he bought me $1000 in gift cards from Hallmark, because that's where his girlfriend worked. Weird. Nice to dream, though.

Relevant (from 20 years ago, one of his earliest roles...great film, too):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OXlRG73ciaA

-tk

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Relevant (from 20 years ago, one of his earliest roles...great film, too):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OXlRG73ciaA

-tk

bahahahahahaha! That was so awesome.

Thanks!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

I just applied for graduation. Which at the moment feels more than a bit optimistic. But since I haven't been completely busted for being a total slacker, yet, I'll hold out hope for the best.

Woot. ?

[dundrinkn]

Interesting and slightly odd conversation on this thread. Mice, sunflower seeds, crotch shots, play lists, and super short guys. I woke up today with my depression lifted. Not sure why, except it has been nice weather here (60+) for the last few days. Might have fooled me into thinking it's Spring? Not sure, but I'll take it. It is a freakin' miracle that I didn't drink. I was so, so close 3 or 4 days in a row. Somehow managed to "keep passing the open windows". That's all I got right now. Trying to get some stuff done since I have a little energy and ya never know how long that's gonna last.

[Lostinspace]

Ne - That’s great that you signed up for graduation And it’s not being too optimistic at all. The semester started not too long ago. You still have time to catch up and do well. Just don’t psych yourself out. As far as the perfectionism goes, please make it a daily practice to remind yourself that a good job is a good enough job. You don’t have to do everything 100% perfectly.

I can pretty much guarantee you that the fact that you care so much about doing well (as evidenced by your thinking that scoring in the low 90s on an exam = failure) means that you’re already leaps and bounds ahead of where you think you are. Remember that link terryk recently posted to that article about how people who think they’re the most competent are actually the least? It’s absolutely true. Self-doubt is a bitch. It hurts. But when you can start to realize that so many of the negative things you tell yourself are simply not true, you can grow from there.

On another note, I do think that both cardio and strength training are helpful for me. I’m definitely not planning on entering any bodybuilding competitions. And while it is an eventual dream of mine to enter some local races - mostly 5 and 10k’s, but maybe even some of the dreaded 26 mile marathons! - I don’t care about winning in the slightest. I’m not in this for competition. My main goals at the gym are to gain confidence, get stronger, get more stamina and energy, and to become healthier - both physically and mentally. And I completely agree that the gym is a great way to get some space for yourself. It’s a place to go after work to get some me time

kronk - I love that rendition of “I will survive.” (Although the original tune was pretty good, too). That’s really interesting about your prolotherapy. I had no idea that immune functions, under certain pressures, could help build up connective tissue. I’ll have to read more into that. That makes me more hopeful about my shoulder. I’ll check if there’s something comparable. In any case, definitely keep us posted on your progress!

Thanks for the clip, tk. That was entertaining and also - I actually have an unreasonable love for Steve Buscemi - not in a sexual way. He’s an always awkward, skinny, weird dude. But I just completely love him for reasons that I can’t quite articulate. Hmmm. . .

dun - I’m so glad that your depression has lifted today and that you’re having such nice weather to boot! Keep going on with yourself. You’re doing great with not drinking I hope to soon join you.

As for me, I’m slowly becoming a wreck. My mounting anxiety over getting a new job is starting to rob me of every moment of my day. I wake up in the middle of the night, and worry for hours (about everything at that point, not just a new job), before falling back asleep for a measly hour or so before the alarm goes off. I spend all day worrying about how bad my resume sucks, what jobs are out there (VERY few), and how the only way I’ll be considered is if no one else applies, which is extremely unlikely, given how few jobs are out there that we’re all competing for.

I’ve tried all the usual meditative techniques for silencing this sh*t. My brain just won’t leave me alone. My future job situation is dire, and the possibility of working the rest of my life at my current company kinda makes me want to go on a shooting rampage. At least in prison, I’ll have a lot of time to myself. (Just kidding - please don’t call the feds - I know some people tend to get a little paranoid these days).

Anyway, I drank again, so AF day will have to be either tomorrow or Friday. God I suck. On a different note, I hope you all have a great night!

[LadyLush]

Cass, I'll get back to you soon. Just lost my post to you. I've always been good at that, drunk or sober! I just had a moment of time and I'll re-send tomorrow! Hope your son is well and thanks for always asking about me! :-) Miss all of you! I'm sober and well!
Hope the damn trolls are on winter break!
Sorry to interrupt this thread! It's a good one!

LL:heartbeat:

Cass, Stuck, If you know anything about Spacebebe, please PM me.
Thanks

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Glad to hear that you are doing well, LL.

Dun, I am so glad that you had some relief. I have, too.

I am most definitely going to find myself a shrink and move on and up from this phase of my life. I'm also really glad that you're still not drinking. Honestly, that's been hard for me and I've had to put a kabosh on the idea that I can drink safely and without repercussion. (For the first time, really, in four years.) I'm too miserable, and my brain chemistry is clearly out of whack... I see the signs that I will be headed down a very dark road. Or over a cliff.

Lis, the job thing is excruciating even for people with excellent resumes. Keep in mind, though, that EVERYONE has something. And if getting the job (or A job) that you might actually want is something that you can't achieve right now, find a different way in. I'm in a very similar situation. I'd go into more detail, but I don't really think it's relevant to your life right now. (Just my humble opinion, of course.)

At this moment, you are literally fighting for your life free of a disabling, chronic and deadly disease. Don't underestimate that or forget it. Just because it is better than it was doesn't mean the battle is half over. It's not. I know you're anxious to move on, but don't lose sight of the only goal that is keeping you from achieving your other goals.

When you've stopped drinking against your will, the world will look very differently than it does now. I really believe it's worth it to focus all of your energy on that one thing, because that one thing is the biggest and most critical. And it's the hardest thing, basically ever.

xxoo

EDIT: I've had a little bit of time to rethink my post, Lis. Rather than editing or deleting it, I'll just add to it. Perhaps it's not so much a matter of tabling the job-seeking since it's clearly so important to your well being. Perhaps it's just a matter of thinking of different solutions. I don't have any in mind. But what I have read is that submitting resumes online isn't the most productive way to get a job...And that, as you pointed out, it can seem completely overwhelming and hopeless. But people are finding jobs. I don't doubt that you can, too. Are there other solutions, or ways of looking at the problem, that you haven't explored?

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Lis, how's that commute treating you? (Oh, I wish I could post a smilie without the accompanying emoti. The emotis here still rub me the wrong way. Which I know I keep mentioning and should just shut up about.)

[Lostinspace]

Hi LadyLush. I never got to know you, having joined so late in the game, but I can say that the trolls ARE on break for the moment. And thanks for stopping in!

Ne - I’m so glad you’re going to get help for this. I didn’t trust help for the longest time after some particularly terrible experiences I had as a late teen/early adult. I really regret that now because I think it could have saved me from delving yet even further into drinking during my grad school years, and ultimately ruining that opportunity. Get the help you need. Don’t resort to stupid measures.

And I’m so happy that you’re on top of things enough to see that safe drinking is not something you can do right now. Yeah, regardless of the benefits of bac (I never reached indifference, so I can’t say anything from a point of knowing, anyway), being miserable and scared and uncertain of yourself, will drag you down. Alcohol provides an escape that you don’t want. Don’t be like me. Don’t blow your dreams.

And Ne, I know you’re right that I really need to get my sh*t together before I can pursue something else. I’m just dying at my current job. Every day, it’s the same old sh*t, same analyses, same coworkers (with their redneck, good-ole-boys dialogue). I can’t stand it!!! I want a research position, not a production lab position. Or at least one that’s way better paid, and where I don’t have to deal with the nonsense that I do from my current coworkers. (Seriously, if I were to record them and post it here, you would be embarrassed for them for talking that way - I have to deal with their middle school-like conversations about farting, shitting their pants while drunk, their women-hating, gun-toting, asinine bullsh*t on the regular - I can’t stand it any longer!).

I know I am fighting for my life. I will never give up that fight. But I honestly think it will be easier when I’m in a better (perhaps less hostile to women) environment. I dunno. I’m very much aware that my problem is NOT working in an all-male lab, but rather working with these particular males - they suck! Maybe it’s an unrealistic dream to find a bunch of coworkers you relate to, but I can’t stand my current work environment much longer before I snap! And I will say, that when I was in an office environment, my whole life until I went to college, and then part-time through college, was pretty amicable.*

I really think the woman-hating issue is specific to my current job. And they don’t make me feel less than. But I think that’s because they don’t view me as a woman, when I’m donned in my lab coat with no exterior female factors (outside of my longish hair, which is tied back in a pony tail, as per regulations). I don’t like it. I feel like a traitor to my gender, listening to their crap in silence. But every time I’ve tried to challenge their (disgusting, I won’t even mention them) words, I’ve been met with blank stares.

I need OUT!!!

Anyway, I’m doing alright, outside of the fact that I haven’t met my AF goal yet this week. I guess this weekend I will. GGAAHHHHHH! I suck a lot. I haven’t been able to get it together this week. I’m under tremendous stress. Not just finding a job for myself, but one of my two coworkers in the lab, made it known that he too is looking. I have to make it to the finish line before him! Oh my god! Then his job falls on me (because I already know how to do it, and my boss is REALLY lazy about hiring new people). Oh my god! I have to find a new job before him! I will literally die if I don’t.

Anyway, I hope you all have a great night!

*EDIT: I lied. Being a secretary is HARD. People always demean you. That's why I went back to school in the first place, because I hated that line of work so much. It wasn't very amicable on the part of the higher-ups, BUT I had some pretty awesome co-workers That's who I was referring to.

[StuckinLA]

Hi folks. Just remember, Lis, that like everything else new jobs take time and a little luck, too. Sucks, but just keep tweeking the resume and keep your eyes open. Something will come along.

Things are ok here, better. The girl's temp job got turned into a full-time job today, so that's pretty cool.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Dude, you don't have to tell me. I live in the south. Bigotry of all kinds is alive and well. We get the added flavor of the crazy christians down here, too.



Did I tell you about the nurse specialist (a big wig) who, when explaining a procedure to a patient, started with "When God made our bodies..."? Every time I think about how pleasant this area is to live (and play) in, and how nice it is to have a reasonable cost of living, I get smacked in the face with the fact that I need to gtfo.



I don't have to work with these people everyday, and I'm not trying to minimize your pain. Sexism is particularly brutal to have to deal with day in and day out. But how long have you been at that job? Your sense of urgency is self-imposed. Finding a job is like buying a house, or even having a baby. It takes a lot of planning and a long time to make the right decisions to find the right place.



I know you're free, now, because you can drive. But you're not free yet. And I would bet a whole lot of nickels that your stress and anxiety are very much related to your drinking, and the amount of baclofen you're taking off label without a prescription. And of course, your self imposed stress and anxiety feeds the disease.



I'm not suggesting you stop looking. Or stop planning. I am suggesting that you try to figure out a way to take it down a notch. Sorry if that sounds trite. But I believe it might help you to hear it. You don't have to find a job before the other guy leaves. It will not be the end of the world.



Did you know that I quit my job about a minute before I lost my job, and that was about a minute before I finally got sober. It all happened in the same week or two, actually. Not the way I'd recommend doing it. hahahahaha. Do as I say, not as I do.



Study time!