Here we go again

[MeJustMe]

Hi Stevo, nice to hear about how things are going with you. Can I just say, while I do not agree with the whole AA thing, the fact you are sober is great. I wish I was. I just feel that experimenting with alcohol might be the start of a slippery slope. None of my business, and I don't judge you whatever you do, but I know that with my current drinking pattern, I'd love to be off the merry-go-round.

[Stevo]

All good MeJustMe,
I appreciate your concern but I believe that it is a whole new ball game with the Baclofen.If I don't do the experiment I will never know what is possible for me,if things don't work out as I have hoped that they will I am still on Baclofen and I will know where I stand in regards to drinking.
It is extremely exciting for me to have the prospect of possibly being able to have a few with friends,or even letting my hair down for a night without it having to become another decade long problem.This being said and as exciting as it is I am not in any hurry to jump in which is not how I would have approached something like this before Baclofen at all.I am now in a whole new headspace and I believe that I have Baclofen to thank for that.
Baclofen has given me an unimaginable new lease on life which I could never have dreamed of prior,I truly hope that you have a similar experience too.
So many things that were a worry before are not anymore,it is like a miracle has taken place(actually I think one has).
I do truly appreciate your concern but my mind is pretty much made up and it will be whatever it will be.
Honestly I have no plan to do a drinking experiment or anything like that but if and when something pops up I will be surely posting the outcome on here for you all to see.
Thanks MeJustMe and it is great to see you posting again.I hope that you are doing well.
Cheers Steve.

[Lostinspace]

Thanks, dun. I'll see how the interview goes. I'm so glad to hear that you still have no desire to drink at all. That's awesome! I hope your mood evens out and that things look brighter for you soon.

Thanks for the good wishes, Stevo. And yeah, I'm sure AA members would be horrified that I used their slogans to bail out. I'm not surprised that they started rumors about you falling off the wagon. I'm sorry for that. That's the common theme in that program, unfortunately. They just assume that if you stop showing up, it means that you relapsed. They couldn't possibly imagine that you found a better way - ha!

I'm glad you're doing well and not obsessing too much about the money situation. That's so funny how you thought your partner was an alcoholic at first because of just one instance of drinking with friends. I also had a sense at one point that my husband had a problem during one of my brief sobriety stints. I had found out from his friends that they had met at a bar together a few times recently. But nothing could be further from the truth. He just likes to have a few drinks every once in a while. The only reason he had hid that fact from me is because I was trying so hard not to drink, so he didn't want to rub it in my face that he still could. It seems that when you have a problem with alcohol yourself, it's so easy to read everyone else's experience as being the same as yours. I'm so glad that neither of us went with that gut feeling and broke things off.

MeJustMe - You're still in the very early days right now. I completely understand just wanting to get off the crazy merry-go-round. I'm now drinking far less than I used to, but I still drink far more days than not, so I'm working towards a life without booze myself. I hear ya. But after a good long while without drinking, it seems that some people do find that once they've reached indifference with bac, they're able to just have a drink or two, every once in a while, without it becoming a problem. Other people do find that it becomes a slippery slope, so they're better off without any drinking.

Still others enjoy the freedom from addiction so much that they don't feel the need to even try having a drink here and there. They're happy enough with their alcohol-free lives just as they are. But there's no need to even think about where you'll end up in the long run at this point. Just keep focusing on trying to rid your life of the alcohol obsession. And thanks for posting here. I always like to see new faces on this thread

So I made it through the night AF just as I said I would, even though I was having nagging cravings. Anyway, not much else to say because I'm at work and shouldn't be on here I'll be back later. I hope you're all having a great day out there!

[Lostinspace]

Well the job interview was a bust. I would be making at least a little more than I do now, and I’m more than qualified. I thought the interview itself went pretty well. But at the end, they had me fill out a separate employment application despite the fact that the vast majority of the information they requested was already in my resume (recent employment, education, etc.). The one part that is not on my resume is where they ask if I’ve ever been convicted of a crime and ask me to explain what it was. And that part was asked RIGHT UNDER my name and address on the very first page, before I got to talk about my employment history and education on the next two pages.

I know I’ll never hear from them again. And the job that I desperately wanted and sounded perfect for me, that I applied to a week and a half ago, had the very same question as part of their application process. I was tempted to lie, but they both had me agree to a criminal background check, and I knew that if they actually made good on that promise to do the check, that I would be automatically disqualified.

I’m getting so discouraged. I know I made a mistake - a HUGE mistake - but I also know I’ll never do it again. Do I really have to be punished for that for the rest of my life? Apparently all of my prospective employers think so.

The only bright note, if you can consider anything to be bright note at this point, is that I’m having a second AF day in a row. I so badly wanted to go to the liquor store after the interview was over, but because of where the interview was located, I had to drive right by my house in order to get back into downtown. And right as I got up to my house, my husband was just pulling into the driveway at the same exact time. I knew he would’ve seen me, and I couldn’t think of any good excuse for why I was driving into town after the interview. So I decided to just suck it up, go inside, and deal with my misery another way.

I’m gonna go get some dinner, turn on some mindless tv, and try my best to forget, at least for a little while, how very hopeless I feel. I hope you all have a great night.

[Stevo]

G'day to all,
I am sorry to hear that your interview didn't go as well as expected LIS.Our pasts seem to never quit ha.I hope that you are feeling better soon about all of this,you never know you may just hear from them.
Congrats on your AF days as you said they are a bright spot in all of this.
I truly believe that every moment of our lives are a spiritual experience and your husband pulling into your driveway at the same time as you were going to continue driving on was a pretty easy one to recognise.I would like to add here that I am not some spiritual nut job LOL.
I hope that you are feeling better about all this soon.

Well I am still cruising along,I haven't heard from the insurance company still but don't seem to mind.It all freaks me out a bit anyway and I like the not knowing better than what I am expecting them to say.
The money from my father appeared in my partners bank account today,yet feel quite indifferent to that too.It is like it isn't there.I am going to take the kids to Dream World next week though,they have been wanting to go for quite some time and I just haven't had the funds.For the guys overseas Dream World is like Australia's Disney Land or more like I think it is called Nottsbury Farm.I don't know it is a massive theme park anyway.
I will probably use the bulk of it to pay off a loan that I have which will ease the pressure of the banks chasing me,which I was going to do anyway when the insurance money came through.
Not much else to say at this stage except for I hope everyone is well.
Cheers Steve-O LOL.

[MeJustMe]

I'm still here, still drinking quite a lot, although last night I was down from about 16 drinks to about 12. So this morning I felt a bit less hung-over. I am on 3 tablets a day, and I'm told that (by now, abt 5 days) if on Bac I should be on the full concentration.
I have a crazy week of work coming up: I am worried that with a new client towards the end of the week I will not function well. When I (for short periods) took Antibuse, when I drank again, I wanted to party; I'd go to the pub 'till the early hours. Now I don't. Not sure if it's the Bac or the habitual drinking. Still would love to get off the merry go round.

[Lostinspace]

I’m sorry you haven’t heard back from the insurance company yet, Stevo, but it’s good to hear that you’re able to let it go for now and not obsess about it. I’m glad the other money came through for you. That must be such a relief to be able to pay off a big loan! Being hounded by debt collectors is so stressful. And that’s awesome that you can now take your kids to Dream World

Thanks for the encouragement, too. It’s true that our pasts never seem to quit. I suppose it’s possible that I might still hear back from them, but I seriously doubt it.
You might be right that what happened with my husband getting home at the same time was a spiritual experience. I generally don’t take much stock in coincidences being signs. Maybe I’d be better off if I did.

MeJustMe - That’s very encouraging that your drinking is down a little, at least a couple times now. I know what you mean about wanting to party after being on Antabuse. There’s a sense of desperation after being deprived for a period of time, that comes out in the form of drinking like a maniac. But it’s not like that with bac. When I manage to take days off from drinking now, I go right back to the much smaller amount I’ve been drinking, with no urge to overdo it.

If you’re noticing that you don’t feel compelled to go crazy with drinking anymore, it’s very likely you’re on the real thing. Keep in mind that 75 mg (I think that’s the highest dose being used in the trial you’re in?) is usually not enough for most people to reach indifference. You’ll likely notice some benefit, but in order to reach a switch dose, you’ll probably have to continue titrating up once the trial is over. Hang in there. It gets better.

Anyway, I did drink last night, but I will try once more for an AF weekend, as well as going two days without drinking this upcoming week. Not much else to say at the moment. My brain is having a really hard time waking up today. I hope you’re all having a lovely Saturday!

[StuckinLA]

Hi everybody. A couple of new faces here - hi, welcome, good to see you.

I have been super busy, and I've been working on the stuff that I gotta work on as deadlines approach. Real, for serious deadlines. Anyway, haven't been able to kick the drinking, though I did go to an AA meeting 2 weeks ago after a major, like 3 or 4 or 5 day bender. That really put my relationship with the girl on the rocks, and I f**ked up with an old friend who needed a supportive shoulder. We were chatting online, and I shouldn't have been allowed to talk to anyone at that point, I was so tanked.

OK, enough of all that. So a buddy decided to do a 3-day writing binge this weekend, so we are holed up in a shitty hotel/casino in the middle of the Mojave desert. Been here since Thursday evening. This place sucks, it's miserable, and that's the point. We've been sequestered in this goddamned room for going on 3 straight days, with a handle of Evan Williams, some clear moonshine-ish white whiskey, and Red Bull. I've gotten the revisions done on the last chapter that I still needed to revise, and been working slowly on the introduction and conclusion chapters. Basically, I'm writing complete gibberish, but at least they are words on the page. And I bought a new pair of shoes at the discount mall. And then I won enough money on video poker that I paid for the shoes. Then I got drunk and lost $20 on video poker later, so maybe I broke even somehow?

Whatevs. This wasn't a great idea, we both knew it wasn't a great idea, and yet here we are. Heading back home tomorrow. The girl was super, super pissed that I decided to come out here without asking her first, but we're doing all right. She knows I have to do what I have to do.

I only read back a little bit. Sounds like people are stressed. Hang in there, everybody. Lis, sorry about the interview, but so happy for you getting in some AF days. All the best.

[Stevo]

G'day y'all,
Just dropping in to say a quick hello.

MeJustMe if you are on the full concentration I think that you will begin to see your drinking slow down even if you feel like busting out.I can see how you would feel like that on antibuse(not that I have taken it)but I understand that it punishes the drinker if they decide to have a few.I can only imagine that once it is out of your system it would be natural to want to make up for lost time,so to speak.I would be surprised if you felt that way on Baclofen.

LIS I see everything as a spiritual experience,not just coincidences LOL.The most horrific situations that most people shudder to think about I see as spiritual.I mentioned this to a Christian the other night and his response was not for the people involved(which I expected)but no matter what happens I believe that something that we don't see is going on.This could be me exihibiting some kind of disassociation disorder though LOL,that is what they told me they suspected I had when I was in rehab.I suspect though that I had the rehab staff baffled and they would have said anything to try to categorise me.The way of thinking that I have adopted for me is not everyones cup of tea,and neither should it be,I have no aspirations of becoming an evangelist ha.
I hope that your AF weekend is going well for you.

Stuck in LA,thanks for the welcome and to me it kind of sounds like you are on a bit of an adventure.I can be a strange dude but some of what you have said sounds appealing,being holed up in motel in the Mojave Desert writing a book on a deadline.It is almost the scene for a great movie from where I am sitting.I am frequently wrong about quite a lot though LOL.

Anywho it is Sunday afternoon in my part of the world,I have had a quiet weekend with going fishing yesterday afternoon as the highlight.I caught about 20 catfish but threw them all back as no one eats them here.I used to be a heavy metal listening,guitar playing skateboarder who lived to party,now I find that standing at the edge of a nice river with a line in the water is as about as exciting as I like to get LOL.I still love all of the things that I used to do but they are not a priority anymore and because of my feet as much as I would love to I can't skate anymore anyway.I wonder if this is due to the Baclofen,I only took up fishing around the time I started it.I am definitely a much calmer person these days.
I spent a lot of today working on my decks(I have a small hobby company which manufactures and supplies handmade miniature skateboards).I only started doing this when I stopped drinking to keep my hands busy,now it has become a healthy obsession.They don't make me much money but they definitely pay for themselves and put a few extra dollars in my pocket,not to mention keep me busy.My avatar is a picture of some of my decks.
Well I seem to have written much more than I expected to and have gotten through this post with nothing negative written.All in all I am in a pretty good place right now,I have considered going out to get a few beers to have a crack at the drinking experiment but as usual decided that it is no longer a necessary thing and chose not to.
One last thing,even though the money from my father has arrived I am still indifferent to it,if anything was going to make me say f**k this,I am going to get good and drunk before it would have been a situation like what I had last week with my family coupled with receiving a stack of cash.Hell I never needed a stressful situation to get drunk over,but having money was a great motivator that's for sure.I believe that my thinking has been so changed in regards to alcohol and seeking oblivion,thanks to Baclofen that I may never deal with any situation the same as I did previously ever again.Who knows,I am just thinking out aloud again now.

Hope all are well and take care.
Cheers Steve.

[Lostinspace]

Stuck! So good to see you. I’m sorry to hear that you’re still struggling to get a handle on the drinking. Just keep trying day by day to make any improvement you can. I hope you can forgive yourself and try to reach out to that old friend at some point. Try sending a heartfelt apology for not being there for them. I did that myself after a phone call with a good friend who was in need of support was ruined by my drunkenness. And ugh! That weekend writing binge sounds like torture. I’ve tried similar things to help me focus when I was in school, but it just made my brain rebel because it felt too confining. I’m glad you got some good writing done, though. I’m sure what you wrote is not “gibberish.” You’ve gotten amazingly good feedback from your advisor all through this process. I’m sure you’re doing just fine.

Stevo - I’m kinda jealous that you see spiritual meaning in everything. My parents are the same way. They’re deeply religious and, while I don’t agree with their beliefs at all, I know it adds a lot of value to their lives. I believe it even saved my mom’s life. When she was going through breast cancer, and was basically given a death sentence, I have no doubt in my mind that it was her faith that pulled her through. I don’t think it was god that healed her, but more so the positive mindset that sees meaning in all of life’s experiences, that got her well. She fully believed that it wasn’t her time yet, and that there were lessons to be learned from the experience. And we all know now how powerful the effects of the mind can be on healing the rest of our body. Her cancer has been in remission for 16 years. That’s an extreme example, but I do think that spirituality adds a lot to life in general. I just can’t seem to get on board with seeing things that way, as much as I've tried.

That’s a really interesting hobby you have of making decks for miniature skateboards. It’s great that you were able to take something you used to really love, but can no longer do, and transformed it into a little side gig that keeps your hands busy and even brings in a little cash.

And that’s so great to hear how differently you’re dealing with stressful situations now that you’re on bac. I think you’re right - you won’t ever have to worry about handling problems by getting drunk again. That’s no longer your default way of dealing with things, and being indifferent on bac makes it seem unappealing to even try.

Anyway, I made it through Saturday without drinking. Sunday is just getting started, but I’m feeling confident that I’ll make it through today as well. Unfortunately, I can’t go to the gym right now because they had a water line break that flooded the gym. This all happened on Friday, and they’re still not up and running. I really hope this doesn’t go on too much longer. I was just starting to break out of a lazy spell and really hit the gym hard again. Oh well, I’ll have to find another outlet in the meantime. I hope you’re all having a good one out there!

[StuckinLA]

Ok, got back yesterday (Sunday) evening, after spending all day on a Greyhound. The girl picked me up from the bus station and the weekend was a good thing for both of us, I think, overall. She spent the weekend being lazy and playing video games and relaxing, and some time apart sort of refocused some things, I think. I said I was going down to the bar for a couple - I hadn't drank at all during the day, which after the long weekend wasn't so good. I'd planned to grab something around noon before the bus, but due to some ticketing snafus I had to catch an earlier bus than planned. Anyway, I asked if she wanted to come down to the bar with me, even though I know she doesn't exactly like my drinking. But she did, and we had a nice time talking about random things, and as long as I keep things under control she doesn't mind too much if I have a few.

Argh, why I am giving you guys like a freaking memoir here? Anyways, I got 45 pages revised and wrote maybe 8 or 10 pages. So the weekend was worth it - did in 72 hours what would've taken at least a week. Need to sober up a bit to get the intro and conclusion done, probably. The girl's heading out of town this coming weekend, so I'm planning to do another writing-binge at home while she's gone.

I most likely won't be around here much, but did want to pop in and catch everybody up. Hugs all 'round.

[Stevo]

G'day to all,
I just wanted to drop in and say hi.
Not much is changing in my world,no good news and no bad news.

I am hoping that all attached to this thread are well.

Cheers Steve.

[kronkcarr]

Hey,

Stuck, it's good to hear how it's going with you. You must feel good getting so much done with your writing?

Nothing new here--working like a fiend and not drinking and still not running after a second round of prolotherapy. Patience is tough for me, but what else is there for me to do? One of the best things about being sober is that I haven't had financial worries in a year or so. What a fricking weight that was for most of my life.

[Lostinspace]

Stuck - I'm glad to hear that your weekend away turned out to be really productive. And that's awesome that it helped to reset things in your relationship. Sometimes spending time apart is the best thing to bring people back together. I'm sorry we won't be seeing you any time soon, but good luck with the intro and conclusion. You're almost done!

Thanks for dropping in, Stevo. Hello to you, too

kronk - I'm sorry to hear that you're still not running. How many more prolotherapy treatments do you have left? And yeah, patience is really hard to come by when you've already been unable to run for so long. But hang in there. You will get there eventually. That's awesome that you no longer have any financial worries. It really is such a huge burden. All the more reason to enjoy leaving the drinking behind.

Well, I made it through my weekend AF, but last night was an absolute disaster. I'm not sure if I just drank a lot more quickly than normal, or if all the AF days I've had recently are helping to lower my tolerance - probably a bit of both. Anyway, I was doing a good job of passing myself off as sober until, all of a sudden, I lost my footing and went crashing down to the floor with all the grace of a falling safe. I knocked over a cabinet that holds a lot of my husband's hobby things, and broke a mirror in the process. My husband is furious with me and won't even look at me, let alone speak to me.

I feel like such a f**k-up. I was doing so well at repairing my marriage. My husband was thrilled with me. Now he hates me once again and it's making me absolutely ill. I feel terrible for knocking his things over. Nothing else was broken besides the mirror, but I made quite a mess. There's nothing I can say or do to make things alright at the moment. I just have to stay out of his way and hope that he'll forgive me. I will try with everything in me to not drink today. That's the only thing I can do at this point to start to make things better.

Anyway, I hope you're all having a good one out there.

[StuckinLA]

Try not to beat yourself up about falling, Lis. Really. I know how difficult it can be when you feel like you f**ked up, and all kinds of old sh*t come rushing right back for both you and your husband. Just try to take things one day, one step, at a time and be nice to yourself.

I'm in a similar spot this morning. Yesterday I decided to swing through the grocery store in the afternoon - going to the bar is too expensive to do every day, and trying to manage my drinking by buying smaller amounts at the liquor store is getting way, way too expensive. So I picked up a 1.75L of bourbon and stayed in for the night. Well, I suppose you can imagine I drank more than I should have. I felt like booze wasn't working, I just kept drinking and playing video games and felt totally sober, until it all caught up with me and I was stumbling around.

I'm hoping that I didn't undo any of the fragile goodwill between the girl and me, but I can't really tell - she's already left for work. Anyway, she's out of town again this weekend.

Have a good day, everyone.