Here we go again

[Lostinspace]

Thanks for the kind words, Stuck. And the same goes to you. It's really hard to monitor yourself when you have a large supply on hand. I'm sure you haven't undone all of the newly rekindled goodwill in your relationship. She might be a little annoyed, but you two will work through it. She seems to be in it for the long haul, so just take it one step at a time. Hang in there :hug:

I'm doing OK-ish at this point. Still trying to stay out of my husband's way and let him work through things on his own terms. He's started to warm up to me a little and will actually talk to me now, here and there. I have not managed to go without drinking since the incident, but I have had less to drink both nights so far. I'm gonna keep things at this level if I can help it, and also intersperse drinking with AF days as much as I can.

Anyway, I hope you're all having a good one out there.

[Stevo]

G'day to all,
For starters LIS it is my turn to apologise,I am so sorry for not responding earlier I have been busy with life .I did see your posts when I was quickly dropping in just to check on other things but never left anything for you.My heart goes out to you as I can imagine just how you must have felt when you came to a full realisation of what had happened.It is a terrible place for ones mind to be.I hope that your husband comes around soon and you don't have to carry the burden for too much longer.It is good that he is starting to talk to you again.
I would like to echo Stucks words"be kind to yourself".
I hope that your situation eases and you are feeling better about things soon.Good luck with minimising your alcohol intake and AF days too.

I hope that things settle for you too Stuck.

Kronkcarr I hope that you can start running soon again too.The weight of financial stress is something that lately I have known all too well,and can fully understand your joy at not having it anymore but today have had some of that weight lifted from myself too.PHEW!

My life has been interesting,the insurance company called the other day and told me that I would be receiving the provisional payment that they had spoken to me about.It appeared in my bank account this morning.I borrowed some money from my partners mother a couple of years ago to purchase a car and then my life began its spiral into the dilemmas of recovery that no one could have foreseen.It has been a niggling point with her for a while now until this morning when I appeared at her house unannounced and gave her the remainder of the debt.
I have wanted to pay her back and just have not been able to since the day I accepted her offer to lend me the money.Owing money to the mother in law is not a very comfortable place to be ha.One debt down,only a few more to go LOL.It feels awesome to know that this is now taken care of and out of the way.
Receiving the provisional payment has left me in 2 minds though about the insurance claim.Are they thinking that they can offer me a small amount of what they should and when they reject the claim I am meant to be grateful,or is it an indication that the full claim will be paid?They want me to go and see another orthopaedic surgeon on Tuesday next week to have a second opinion on my ability to work,one of their choosing.I am not too sure what to make of this either.
I had planned to take the kids to Dream World on Tuesday but will now take them on Wednesday,they are so excited.They are looking up all the different rides and attractions online in anticipation.

Anywho,I have a few other things to say but I have taken up enough space in here and will go and post them in the thread that I started.
Take care and I look forward to seeing you in here again.
Cheers Stevo.

[Lostinspace]

No need to apologize at all, Stevo. And thank you for the kind words. I'm sure things will be resolved between my husband and me eventually, so long as I don't do it again and I give him his space for now.

That's so great to hear that you got at least part of the money you're expecting from the insurance company. Try not to overthink what this means for the rest of your claim. Just go to see the next orthopedic surgeon and take things one step at a time. For now, try to just revel in the fact that you were able to pay your mother-in-law off, as well as another huge loan because of the other money that already came in. That's such a huge burden lifted from your shoulders. And now you get to take your kids to Dream World on Wednesday

I'm doing alright. I've been steadily keeping my drinking at an even lower level. Other than that, I'm still staying out of my husband's way, and waiting for things to improve at home. I'm gonna try for another AF weekend, and also look for things to do to keep from going crazy. My gym is still closed due to the flooding from the water line break. They have a tentative reopen date of March 16th, so I have at least another 10 days of no working out.

I guess I'll try to get back to the library at some point this weekend. I used to go all the time last Summer and Fall because one of the two main bus terminals downtown is within spitting distance of the library. I had to hang out in that area every evening on my commute home anyway. But now that I drive it's harder to get to. There's no (free) parking anywhere within about eight blocks of the library. Luxury problems - ha! I used to walk a lot when I was commuting by bus, and had to stand outside, in all kinds of weather, for longish periods of time. Now I'm all whiny because I have to walk eight blocks through the bitter cold. Oh boo hoo! I guess the decision is made - I'm going to the library tomorrow.

Anyway, I hope you're all having a good one out there!

[dundrinkn]

Hello All. Lis, dang it. I am sorry that happened. And being in the dog house is no fun. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other (carefully!). Things will normalize again. Sounds like you're actually doing pretty good with more AF time and less drinking when you do. Good for you. The library sounds like a good idea.

Happy for your good news, Stevo. Try not to get ahead of the insurance company on their motives. You'll surely know more after you see their Doc. And the fact that they are sending you to someone else indicates they aren't ready to deny the claim out of hand.

So, now for my craziness. I am thinking of coming off of Bac. I have been drinking again, not everyday. But regular enough over the last week. I could go up on the bac... but now I am concerned about the leg pain. I can't find the references to neuropathy being a side effect that I thought I had found a while ago. I am wondering if it is something else? Toxicity from the Bac, or maybe from something else. Or maybe a symptom of another problem. I am thinking of titrating down and seeing if the nerve pain goes away. Of course, this doesn't at all remedy the drinking. But here's the deal on that score. I am drinking even though I really don't crave it. I am drinking because I am really unhappy. And it isn't with my "life" circumstances -- which are really quite lovely. I am not sure what to do right now. I am so anti-social and really, really stuck in myself. Very isolated. And I wonder if this isn't a consequence of the Baclofen too. I am just not sure what's me and what's the drug. So I am going to go down and try and sort it out. I can always go back up on the Bac.

I think my breaking point was that my brother had moved near me (within an hour) a few years ago. He is now moving away again. And I never got around to bettering my relationship with him. It was just too uncomfortable to "hang out". He is 10 years younger and so we weren't really raised together. That and we are both phobic enough that it is just painful to even try. When we do get together, we get along. I don't know. But now I feel like I squandered the opportunity and I am sad about it. And I really want to connect with those around me -- my partner and my kids. My parents. But I am held in this vice grip of... I don't know what. It might just be my personality -- which would suck. But if Bac is contributing at this point, I feel like I need to figure it out. That and the nerve pain which is tolerable. But if it isn't from the Bac, I need to know that too.

I dropped down 10 last night (might have been 20?). I will go down 10mg a week. I will stretch out longer if things get hinky. When I've gone down before, I've had more trouble in some ways then when I've been on the way up... Ah, the life of a druggie.

Kronk, I am interested in your take on this as you seem to have had some similar personality issues with Bac.

OK. That is all for now. I have to go to lunch with my boss to "celebrate" my upcoming birthday. Argh. Would rather he just give me the afternoon off.

[Lostinspace]

dun - I’m so sorry to hear that you’re still in such a bad place emotionally. I really don’t know if I would blame the bac or not, though. Did this all begin when you were titrating up? I know you said you’re drinking a little bit now, but a lot of what you’re describing regarding feeling antisocial and isolated, is a pretty common thing when people stop drinking, or at least when they greatly alter their drinking patterns (I assume you’re still not drinking as much as you did pre-bac?). It’s hard to make sense of what you’re feeling, and how to relate to those around you, when you’re used to living your life in a haze and no longer are.

I understand drinking despite not really craving it all too well. I would say that most days now, I really don’t have any strong cravings at all, it’s only the intense desire to get out of my head that pushes me to drink anyway. It sucks. But my drinking now is also nowhere near as bad as it once was, and I couldn’t imagine going back to living with the kinds of cravings I used to struggle with every second of every day.

I can see why you’d want to titrate down to sort out where this all is coming from, especially since you’re also having nerve pain. Do you have some sort of contingency plan, like what you’ll do if you suddenly find that you’re having uncontrollable cravings and are drinking far too much? I don’t really know what the best answer is for you, but I hope you find it soon. Hang in there.

Well, I’m starting my AF weekend today, and it’s beginning with having to revise my cover letter to apply for another job - one that sounds pretty meh, but it’s there anyway. I’ve never been so stuck on what to say in a cover letter. This is pretty painful. Oh well, I’ll figure something out. I hope you’re all having a nice weekend so far.

[kronkcarr]

Hi everyone. It's been a long work week and it's another Saturday where I've made tentative plans but could back out and hang at home instead. dun, I've thought about your situation and I'm not sure if my experience is similar.

Initially I loved how I felt on baclofen (minus the SEs)--it was like what Hudster posted. I slowed down, saw more beauty in nature and was pretty much in awe. I also became mostly a loner. I liked it but around 1 1/2 years I wondered if this was a SE of bac. I still have a level of anxiety too.

dun, I don't feel better or more like me when I drink. When I was having 2-3 glasses of wine at home at night I felt off in the mornings. Maybe it's a bac hangover. I'm tired, resigned and wishing my day was over and I'm more irritable. I'm not sure I know who I am now, but I know who I'm not.

Calikime, who hasn't been on here in awhile, also has the nerve pain. She thought to taper off bac to see if it cleared but she didn't want to titrate back up. She wasn't having the emotional issues we feel though.

dun, I hope you post how it goes for you.

I think I'm done with the prolotherapy. It's been 2 weeks and I'm walking 1-3 miles a day. I'm not rushing anything. Cross your fingers for me.

[StuckinLA]

Dun - I had the same leg pain you do, I think. Feels like your skin is on fire whenever anything touches you? Like getting into bed, and slipping under the sheets, hurt like a motherf**ker. I still get it once in a while but not terrible since coming off bac. In the times that I've thought about going back on bac, and started taking it again, even at just 30mg/day the pain comes back. So I don't know that it's necessarily dose-specific or what, and I don't even know if it's an SE or some underlying thing.

Coming off bac, though, particularly when drinking is starting to creep back into normal life, can be a touchy proposition. I went back to lots of drinking when I first came off bac, and it took a lot to sort that out. Just things to think about. I know it's a BS choice, between pain and, well, a different kind of pain. It sucks but I'm sure you'll figure out what you need to do.

So I got wasted on Thursday after meeting with my advisor. Was hanging out with a drinking buddy at the bar all afternoon, then came home, and the girl was kind of experimenting with some cooking-type stuff. Not even to eat, just to see about making something new. Well my buddy is a dick, and an arrogant foodie dick, so he said some smartass thing about what she was doing, and she left. Then I got into a fight with him, and he left. Then I was left at home alone, like what the hell where did everybody go?

Yesterday I took her to the airport for her weekend trip back home, and went for a second meeting with my advisor. Then got kinda wasted again last night, since I'm on my own this weekend and can do "whatever I want." But really what I'm doing is not what I want, it's just whatever I can get away with to avoid working on my dissertation, which is due next week. Like the whole thing, really due, next week. I even ended up texting this girl whom I haven't spoken to in at least a year, for reasons I've yet to comprehend. So today I'm drinking again, and writing, and trying to understand why I seem so hellbent on self-sabotage.

That's what's up here. Keep on keepin' on, folks. Hope things are smoother at home, Lis. Big hugs all 'round.

[Lostinspace]

Sorry folks. I typed out a longish post, but the copy and paste function on my phone is not working at all I'll try again later.

[Lostinspace]

I got it to paste - finally! kronk - I love how you put that - that you don't know who you are, but you know who you're not! That's awesome. I'm glad to hear that you're at least up to walking a couple miles a day. Stay patient and running will be in your near future as well. I will definitely keep my fingers crossed for you.

Stuck - Hang in there. You have so little left to do. It's just a matter of putting the final touches on the introduction and conclusion, right? You can still get it done. I know it gets harder and harder to stay focused when you get to the end of a really long project like this. But just tell your procrastinating brain "no! Today I'm sitting down between such and such a time, and working on my dissertation!" Sorry I don't have any better advice than that. All I can say is that you've done an excellent job so far and have gotten positive feedback every step along the way. You can do this too.

dun - I've been thinking more about your situation, too, and unfortunately I'm drawing a blank. I've never been in your shoes with the nerve pain, and I have no idea if some of the emotional stuff is being caused by bac. I really don't know what the answer is. All I can say is please be on the lookout for cravings returning, and please keep us updated on how you're doing. Hang in there, sister :hug:

Anyway, I stayed AF yesterday, but not on Saturday, so I'll try to make up for it today. Not much else to say. I've been in a really weird/bad place the last couple days and I don't know how to post about it, or about anything else really. I'll be back when I have something of value to say - or at least something at all. I hope you're all having a great day out there!

[dundrinkn]

I am not sure what I am doing about coming down or not. Right now I dropped down from 100 to 80. Still drinking some. Will reign that in this week. Had major, can't breathe panic attack Saturday morning. Will stay here at 80 for a while and see if I can't get a grip on what's going on with me. That's all I got right now. Will check in and write more tomorrow.

[Stevo]

G'day guys,
I have no idea what to say to try and suggest positive things to any of you,so I won't try.I just hope that everyone is feeling a bit better soon.
I do know that when I started getting the pain in my feet I thought that maybe it was a SE of Baclofen.I even asked my doctor about it but he had no idea and sent me to a podiatrist.The pain that I have sounds very different to what Dun and Stuck are describing though.

I went to see the insurance companies chosen orthopaedic surgeon today.I do not know what to make of the whole thing,he seemed uninterested and didn't really give me a chance to talk.He did say to me at one stage that he had the same condition and he had worked right through it.There were a few things that he said that left me in a state of limbo as he would be negative and then positive and then negative again.I just wanted to tell him that my families wellbeing lies in the words of his report so please hear me out,but I did not get a chance.He finished the session by telling me that this condition can eventually fix itself but it could take a long time(he said maybe 18 months).He asked me to walk for him after I had taken my thongs(flip flops)off,when I did he said that I was walking more painfully than before,like I was trying to pretend that I was in more pain than I was.I find it easier to walk in thongs as I have a little padding.I did not even get a chance to tell him this.I have no idea what the outcome will be after today and once again I am physically ill with worry.
Anywho,I am taking the kids to Dream World tomorrow and they are blissfully unaware of any of the stress that I am under.I even managed to make todays situation seem positive to my partner.
I still have not had another drink since the experiment and don't seem to care that I have AL in the house.Even though I suspect that tonight will be a sleepless night I have no desire to have a few drinks to ease the pain.Thanks to Baclofen.
I hope that all are well and look forward to reading your updates.
Cheers Stevo.

[MeJustMe]

Hi guys,
I'm just checking in. You are my only support for this experiment. I mean of course, the Baclofen trial I'm on. I have had a lot of alcohol so if the moderators want to delete this post, I understand.

I am supposedly a high-functioning alcohol-addicted person. I don't know about that. All I know is that I have a lot to do, looking after my children and also working freelance. My work has taken off over the last week or so. Don't know if/when it will continue like this, but at the moment I am seriously under the pump.

I want to give up the trial. I am so tired and so fed up with being drunk every night. It has such an effect on me and my family. I want to know, what happens when you hit the switch? everyone says that it is just the beginning, that you need to deal with what makes you want to drink, that pharmacology is not the answer.

[Hudstar]

Hi MeJustMe,

Having recently reached the switch (check my recent thread out) I would encourage you to keep going.

It is perhaps true that the switch is just the beginning. But consider it a gateway, an opportunity to step out of addiction. What you do with the opportunity after that is up to you. But it most definitely worth experiencing.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Hi guys,
I'm just checking in. You are my only support for this experiment. I mean of course, the Baclofen trial I'm on. I have had a lot of alcohol so if the moderators want to delete this post, I understand.

I am supposedly a high-functioning alcohol-addicted person. I don't know about that. All I know is that I have a lot to do, looking after my children and also working freelance. My work has taken off over the last week or so. Don't know if/when it will continue like this, but at the moment I am seriously under the pump.

I want to give up the trial. I am so tired and so fed up with being drunk every night. It has such an effect on me and my family. I want to know, what happens when you hit the switch? everyone says that it is just the beginning, that you need to deal with what makes you want to drink, that pharmacology is not the answer.

Hi MeJustMe!

I can understand your frustration. Was it worse before you started baclofen? It takes some of us longer, and with more baclofen, to find a solution. If what I remember is correct, you could be on a placebo. And if not, you're taking, at most, 75mg/day.

It took me 4 months and considerably more baclofen than 75/day.

I would really encourage you to stick with the trial. First of all, you will find out what you were taking. Second of all, generally you will be offered treatment after the fact.

I'm not sure who "everyone" is that suggests that there is not a pharmacological answer to this disease. That wasn't my experience. When I stopped drinking (Feb '11) it was because I simply didn't want to drink anymore. (Prior to that, I'd only ever been sober for 30 days when I was inpatient rehab.) It was only then that I could really embrace and change my life.

Perhaps there are people who don't understand that there ARE pharmacological solutions. There are also people who find that they aren't enough. And then there are those of us who found a solution with baclofen.

You definitely don't want to be one of the people who doesn't understand that pills can actually combat the disease. And you won't know if it's a solution for you if you give up now.

Hang in there.

(One last thought: In general, taking baclofen made me feel no more horrible than an awful hangover. The difference is that I was hoping that baclofen would give me the freedom from spending the rest of my days hungover. It did.)

[Spiritfree]

[QUOTE=MeJustMe;1601911]Hi guys,
I'm just checking in. You are my only support for this experiment. I mean of course, the Baclofen trial I'm on.
I am supposedly a high-functioning alcohol-addicted person. I don't know about that. All I know is that I have a lot to do, looking after my children and also working freelance. My work has taken off over the last week or so. Don't know if/when it will continue like this, but at the moment I am seriously under the pump. I want to give up the trial. I am so tired and so fed up with being drunk every night. QUOTE]

Hi MeJustMe -Thank you for making this post. You bring up some very important points regarding alcoholism, medication, and recovery (or re-inventing).

I really do hope you continue with the trial. If nothing else, at least you are gaining some experience and knowledge while challenging the disease. And as someone else said, if you are on a placebo now, you will probably get offered the real 'stuff' at the end.

From my own experience, and the research that I have done and the research performed by many scientists, alcoholism (or alcohol use disorder) is a very complex disease.

The real and best starting point to quit drinking for me began with Baclofen. Prior to Baclofen (at least 15 years prior thereto), I had tried every other known method to stop. Baclofen, at a minimum, at least gave me the ability to stop mentally craving (constant and consistent thoughts of using alcohol). There was not a so called magic moment in time (so called switch) that occurred while I was taking Baclofen. For me, the cravings (cyclical thoughts) gradually reduced to the point that I wanted and was able to choose and do other things that meant more to me than drinking. I had never experienced this ability before taking Baclofen.

The medical (pharm-logical) approach to stop drinking, is the first and most crucial step -in my opinion. Following that first step, there HAVE to be other measures taken. (But at least Baclofen (and maybe some other drugs) allow/give one the opportunity to begin taking those other measures) For me, just breaking any habit seems to be extremely challenging. Alcohol was (and still can be) more challenging to break than other habits because of the perceived -impregnated- memories of how wonderful and quick it operates/operated to change my feelings/thought processes. Thus, there were underlying reasons that I drank the way that I did -that went beyond the fix of just removing the alcohol.

For now MeJustMe, hang in there with the med trial. You and your family want you back and anything that you are now doing to minimize or eliminate your drinking is so MUCH more than not doing anything.

Again, thanks for your post.
SF