Here we go again

[Stevo]

G'day to everybody,
Apologies for not posting,but I have been busy with my boards and life in general.Seriously right about now I am way behind on where I feel comfortable with the deck making,it has lost all the fun aspects LOL but I will be on top of it in a couple of days.
I was also offered a little bit of work helping a lady set a website up.Prior to making my decks I had no idea how to do a lot of the things that I am adept at now,I do everything myself including photography,film editing,graphics,logo design,public relations,hell whatever needs to be done really ha...I set up my own website and all social media endevours which I had never even been interested in before.My website is nothing too technical,it is a free website that can be used as a webstore,and is much like setting up a facebook page.Anywho,this lady had no idea what to do nor was she interested in learning so she asked me to do one for her,and she paid me.It's amazing what has come out of making my little boards.
I received a message the other day from the guy that helped me set up my insurance policies(I eventually let him contact them on my behalf)and lo and behold apparently they are coming good on the claim.He told me that the money would be getting paid that night.It is 2 days later and I still have not heard from the insurance company myself and as far as I know no payment has been made.When I was informed that they would be paying I felt nothing,no relief or excitement.It was more like a feeling of "I don't believe it."Now it is 2 days later and I have not even received an email about it I am beginning to believe it less.I know that it is probably true but after last time I am sort of expecting to get another message to say that it isn't going to happen again.
Everything else in my life is happening normally,physio(I had acupuncture the other day) and exercises for my feet.

I have been drinking but nothing like the big night I had a couple of weeks ago.I am truly at a place of indifference!I have a few beers and then find that I don't really want anymore.Even on my 40th I had every intention of having a drunken afternoon(an old drinking buddy came over to see me) if that was what was going to happen and then I just didn't feel like it.I had a really nice day with my family though.

Good luck with the job LIS,and I hope that your friend doesn't let you down again.

Hang in there Me and congrats on your AF days.

Congrats to you too Stuck on your 1st week back on the wagon.

Congrats to you too Dun on 3 weeks AF,I truly believe that AF time is what has contributed to the Baclofen working for me too.

I wanted to say more to each of you but my partner has just called and she needs for me to pick her up from work so I have to get going.

Take care everyone and I hope that there isn't as big a gap between this and the next post as this post and the last one

Cheers Stevo..

[Lostinspace]

Stuck - I know what you mean about struggling to be assertive. That's one of my biggest weaknesses in all areas of my life, but in my marriage as well. I've tried so hard to work on it over the years, but I still have a lot of trouble finding my voice. Baby steps . . . I'm so happy to hear that you're still AF a week later, and only occasionally having cravings. That's even better than I would have thought, but I guess you were just really ready for a break from all the madness of overdrinking.

Getting motivated to do all the things you were too muddy-headed to do while drinking is reeeeeeally hard right after you quit. I always struggled with that. I think part of it comes from the inability to sleep. You simply don't have the energy or clarity of mind to get things together at first. And the lack of libido - it seems to come with the newly sober territory, unfortunately. But the fact that your girlfriend is getting frustrated with the lack of intimacy is actually a good sign that things are getting better between you two, as upsetting as it might be right now for both of you. You sound much better overall, though, which is awesome to hear Your motivation and sex drive will start to filter back into your life soon enough. Just hang in there. One week seems like an eternity in non-drinking time, but it's really not that long at all.

dun - I'm so glad you're feeling better and that the vertigo has passed. Although it makes me really pissed off for my husband's sake because he had the same problem several years back. The doctor explained that his vertigo was also due to "rocks" in his inner ear canal (I believe?), but said that there was nothing he could for him. He prescribed him Valium. When my husband asked how that was supposed to help the vertigo, the doctor said "it won't, but it'll make you feel better about it!" What a quack! Are you going to try the juice fast again now that you know that's not the problem? I would think that you can't do it for too long of a stretch, since your body needs other nutrients that juice can't provide. But it's a good thing to keep in mind for the future, since you were feeling so good in the beginning.

Anyway, congratulations on making it three weeks AF! That's awesome! It seems that a lot of people can't drink on bac without it losing its effectiveness. It's good that you're realizing that about yourself. I know I need to keep that in mind myself, and just suck it up for a couple/few weeks without drinking. At 325 mg, I probably am at my switch. I've just been too gutless to follow through on what I need to do to reach said switch.

Stevo - That's such good news about the insurance claim! I wouldn't worry about the fact that you haven't gotten the payment yet. Insurance companies are painfully slow. They're not gonna outright lie to the person who set up your policy. Just hold tight. And that's even better news about the drinking! You seem to have truly reached a place of indifference if you have more beer on hand, but don't even want it

I'm sorry that making the decks is starting to feel more like a chore than an enjoyable hobby. But that's so great that it's introduced you to a whole other set of skills you otherwise wouldn't have. You might very well be able to make a living doing some of those things if you ever wanted to take some classes and expand on those skills you're picking up. Web developers are in demand right now.

So my friend and I actually did meet up last night It was really nice to see him again. Although, he's really stressed out right now. Turns out he's not just here for Spring break, and is moving back into the area, at least temporarily. He may be returning to his graduate program for the Fall semester, but is unsure for a number of reasons that I won't get into because that's his business, and not for me to share.

Anyway, I did end up drinking last night after we met up. I'm really annoyed with myself because it was time wasted that I could have been using to better prepare for tomorrow's interview. But I will NOT make the same mistake tonight - absolutely not! I need to do everything possible to nail that interview. Plus, I have to pack for going to my friend's place this weekend. I'm leaving right after the interview, so I need everything ready before I go to bed. That's about it from me. I hope you're all having a good one out there!

[StuckinLA]

OMG, Dun, we can never go out to dinner! I am told (by one person, anyway) that I am the loudest chew-er on earth. I never noticed it, but ever since this friend said something a few years ago I can't help but be annoyed by the sound of my own chewing. Grrr. Congrats on the 3 weeks! Seriously, big ups on that one.

I know things will get back to 'normal' here pretty soon. I am *almost* sleeping through the night at this point, or at least only getting up once for about 1/2 an hour or so and then waking up once or twice otherwise. Starting to feel pretty OK during the day, but once bedtime hits I'm down for the count, with no energy for anything other than trying to sleep. I don't know, I think I might be a little stand-offish with the girl. Not on a personal, friendly level, but in a GF way, and that's partly being newly dry and partly some deeper stuff, I think. I will figure it out eventually.

Yesterday I met with students all afternoon and into the evening, as I do every couple weeks. And man, does that make me want to drink. I finished up with the last student, and I was closing up the office and the last one in the building, and that's just kind of a great feeling, to be honest, being the only one there and I know I still have a few swallows of bourbon left in the bottle hidden in a filing cabinet, and boy did I want to hit that. But I didn't, and then on the bus there was this young guy who was super, super drunk and filthy like he's been out on the street for a while, and he's sitting there with no laces in his boots and drinking a beer and just everything you think of when you think of an abject alcoholic. That kind of snapped me out of my craving, but I still was wanting to get out a little before getting home, so I stopped at the bar for one non-alcoholic drink. Sort of worked everything out of my system for another day, I think.

OK, that's probably enough from me. Glad you got to meet up with your friend, finally. and GOOD LUCK WITH THE INTERVIEW TOMORROW!! You'll knock it out of the park!

[MeJustMe]

Hey all,

I want to just say to you - Stevo, Stuck, LIS, Ne - have I missed anybody? I hope not - that I am impressed by you all. Why? Because you are all trying to address some thing that most alcohol-addicted people are not - namely, your addiction. That takes a shed-load of courage to face, let alone conquer. Hats off to you all.

I am writing this while drunk - although, at the point where I am not smashed. As a writer, this is where I wish I could be all the time, yet we all know that that sweet point is reached... then passed.

I am at the point where I have reached 50mg on Bac. I have gone off the Antibuse and am now drinking again.

My wife does not drink socially; she drinks every night heavily. So we have a similar problem. She passes out by 9 or 10pm, though, so usually doesn't drink as much as I do.

So when I am on Antibuse, I am sober but have someone who says the same story five times as if it has not been mentioned before. I know I am the same when drunk, but when I am sober listening to it, it drives me spare.

I really hope I hit the switch soon.

Thank-you all for putting up with me. Yes, I am a pain in the arse (ass for you Yanks).

[Stevo]

Thank you so much for your kind words Me,I hope that you are able to hit your switch soon too.
It has to be super hard to have to be around someone who is drinking daily and try to stay away from it yourself.I was lucky I guess that my partner can take it or leave it and she didn't really drink around me in the early days.Isn't it funny how when we are pissed hearing the same shit over and over again seems of little issue and it is almost enjoyable to reanalyse the same story,but when you are sober listening to someone drunk do it again and again it is like the most annoying thing in the world ha.
You are not a pain in the arse and I am glad that you are still posting,please continue to do so(drunk or sober).

LIS I hope all goes or went well with the interview(I am thinking that as I write this it would have probably happened by now).I am glad that you got to see your friend too.

Stuck I am glad that you are getting a bit more of a normal sleep pattern and wish you the best for the week to come(meaning week number 2).

I am good,I have 1 board left to do and I will be back to normal and shouldn't be feeling like I am running a production line.I actually have a couple of others to do after that but there is no pressure to have them done at any other pace than my own.
The insurance company paid me although they for some reason didn't pay me the amount that I was expecting.I have already spoken to my friend about this and hopefully it will be sorted out next week.It is a great relief to know that the ball is well and truly rolling though.
I had 3 beers tonight and decided that I didn't want anymore so I made a cup of tea.I am finding that a couple of drinks (I wonder if americans say a couple of drinks)is really becoming the norm for me,as I wrote about in my thread.
A couple of drinks in Australia can mean anything LOL.When I was a raukus drinker people would say "what are you doing?" and I would always say"having a couple of drinks".Usually I had already had more than a couple of drinks and I had no intention of stopping until I was passed out(usually 18-24 beers),but the standard answer was always"having a couple of drinks".
Now when I say a couple of drinks I could mean 2-6 so I really do mean a couple of drinks.It is truly amazing how Baclofen has changed the way I approach AL.

Anywho guys,I hope everyone is well,take care and as always I look forward to reading all of your next posts.

Cheers Stevo.

[Lostinspace]

I'm so happy to hear that things are going so much better with sleeping and normality in general, Stuck. And good job on stopping for an NA drink only. I guess sometimes seeing the worst of what alcohol can do to a person can knock those cravings right out of your head. You'll figure out your feelings with your girlfriend soon enough, but it really could just be the awkwardness/newness of sobriety that's creating a distance. I always felt the same way with my husband during my sober stints at first.

Thanks for the kind words, MeJustMe. And oh man! Having to see your wife drink like that each night must be incredibly difficult when you're trying to abstain - both because of the jealousy factor, and because of the annoyance factor of having to listen to someone repeat themselves when you have a clear head. I really don't know what the solution is. Just hold on tight and wait for that switch to come. In the meantime, make sure to do things for yourself, as well. Can you think of any hobbies you might want to get into? That would not only keep you busy when you're trying not to drink, but it could give you a break from her repetitious babbling when the evening get late, and she's already had too much. Sorry if that's not very helpful. I don't know what the answer is, but I feel for you. That's a really tough situation. Just hang in there. The switch will come.

Stevo - That's so great that you're almost done with the pressure of that project and can go back to enjoying your hobby. I hope you've been able to step back from the pressure enough to be proud of all the work you've done. And the money from the insurance company must be such a relief! That's so amazing that you're still only having a few drinks and then wanting no more. Switching to tea? I couldn't imagine. I'm not there yet. Oh, and by the way, Americans do say a couple of drinks, but the word couple usually refers to two specifically. Three drinks would be a few drinks. At least that's the way I always thought of it. Anyway who cares? It's awesome that you're doing so well! That's so great to hear

So I think my job interview went pretty well yesterday. I'm trying not to get too excited because not only do I get the sense that their standards for who they want are pretty damn high (and they still have several people to interview), but because this job is actually a million times better than what the job description made it out to be! It's one of those once in a lifetime opportunities that I'm extremely unlikely to come across again, at least where they would consider someone with my education level. It sounds so, so very exciting. I want it so badly I can taste it.

But it's very possible they won't choose me. Likely even, considering that I come from a large university town where there are people with PhD's waiting tables because there are just so many people with advanced degrees, and only so many jobs to go around. I only have a BS, with a little graduate school (I never even came close to finishing). My only hope is that they'll take me on based on the fact that they can get away with paying me less since I don't have that advanced degree. This job would open so many doors for me. Oh god, please!!!

Anyway, I got to my friend's place last night, and everyone (she, her husband, her baby) is starting to wake up, so I better go. I hope you're all having a great weekend! I'll check in when I next get a chance.

[StuckinLA]

So much to respond to, all of a sudden. MJM, thank you for the words of encouragement. Many of my (best, in my opinion) posts were while drunk, so please don't feel bad about posting after a couple drinks.

Yes, in the US we do say "a couple of drinks," and from my experience that usually means a case of beers or a bottle's-worth of something.

So last night I think I slept solidly through the whole night. That was disorienting as hell when I woke up today. Good, though, of course, just weird. Hopefully that continues. Still doing ok here: had some pretty serious cravings yesterday off and on. It would've been such a lovely day to sit out on the porch in the afternoon sun and drink a bunch of beers. And then a few cravings in the evening but they did pass fairly quickly and I stayed the course. I just want out - of my head, of the job worries, of LA, etc. etc. I know things with the girl will get better (though, honestly, they are fine on her end right now). It's not her; it's me, but not even me-me but the emotionally-flat me that is going to improve with time. That was kind of a confusing mouthful, but you get the idea.

So happy to hear the interview went well, Lis. And I hope you enjoy the weekend away.

Have a good one, everybody!

[MeJustMe]

So last night I decided it would be a good idea to go to the pub. I was there until 2.30am when my wife rang to see where the hell I was.
I feel very low today. I am again going to get on the Antibuse and try to ride out the desire to drink again. If I can get a few weeks together sober, I hope by then I'll be on 60-70mg of Bac and have hit the switch.

I am finding all this very hard.

[Lostinspace]

Soooo. . . turns out I did get back to town in time for the liquor stores to still be open. Anyway, I already finished everything I have, and after writing a reeeeaaally long PM to someone, I don’t have much left in me. I’m so, so sorry. I’ll be back tomorrow. In short:

Stuck - so glad to hear that everything’s going better, relatively speaking. Those cravings are TOUGH! Hang in there. You’ll eventually get to a better place :hug:

MJM (as the nickname you seem to have been given, thanks to Stuck) - Please hang in there. Your wife seems very understanding, given that she drinks a lot herself. She just wondered where you were. I’m sure the horrible feeling is largely due to alcohol after-effects. Getting back on Antabuse is a great idea. It’ll take that idea right out of your head.

Anyway, I had a GREAT weekend with my (knows my history, is judging, looking for signs) friend. I met her daughter. It was awesome! I wish I had better words right now. Anyway, I should sign off now. I hope you all have a great night!

[MeJustMe]

Hey guys, I'm on a work deadline and go away with my wife and kids tomorrow for a few days' break but wanted to quickly share something with you.

After my woe-is-me post yesterday, I went looking for older threads on Bac experiences.

I realised I have been making a stupid mistake.

I see that the recommended titration amount is 10mg every 3-5 days. So I started with 20 or 30mg on a Monday, and decided that I should wait till the Saturday to go up.

Well since then I have got it stuck in my head that Saturdays are the go up by 10mg day... so really I have been doing this waaay too slow!

Feel excited now. Am on Antibuse and 50mg of Bac will try the every 3 days approach to titrating up on Bac. If I get any bad side-affects, I'll deal with it then. But for now, it feels like the switch won't be all that far away!

[Lostinspace]

That sounds like a great plan, MJM. You already know to watch out for side effects by going up faster, so you seem well prepared. I hope you have a great trip!

So I'm back to work and feeling really stressed out having to catch up on what didn't get done after taking a half day on Friday. I'm also having embarrassment spasms. Last night after I posted here, I proceeded to send a short, but embarrassing and entirely unhelpful, PM to someone. I then got off my computer and sent an embarrassing text to a friend. Drinking after taking a break for a few days seems to have made it hit me harder - that and I drank way too fast. One of these days I'll learn that drinking and technology don't mix. Ugh!

Anyway, it's not shaping up to be a great day so far, so I'm just gonna get to work and try to take my mind off everything else. I hope you're all having a great day out there

[StuckinLA]

Quiet around here.

Quiet around here, too, actually. Not much going on. The program where I teach does a 2-night conference every year, where the students present papers and there's a dinner and all that kind of thing. I have to be there both nights, so last night and tonight. It's sort of a pain, and sort of fun I guess. Or at least not too bad. I scheduled a day off for my class today, because they already have to go to at least one night of the conference, which means I don't have to go in to campus until much later today than usual, then I'm free for the rest of the week. The girl is going to visit her brother this weekend, leaving tomorrow night and getting back Sunday.

My first thought was of course that I could just get a whole bunch of beer and booze and camp out all weekend by myself, maybe spend some time in the bar. Of course, that's a terrible idea. My second thought was that I have 3 straight days with no distractions and no one here, and I could spend all that time writing. Which then led me straight back to my first thought.

Still AF, remarkably.

Hope everybody's having a good one, and the silence isn't due to travesties large or small in your world.

[Lostinspace]

Sorry for the quietude, Stuck. I’ve been backing off on posting a little recently because of this community's unrest. It sucks. And you’re a great professor. I always hated the ones who expected us to keep up our normal routine when there were extra stresses on top of classes and labs (especially because I worked while going through school. Like I don’t have enough stress to deal with? Grrrrr!). You gave those kids a day off. I’m sure they love you for it!

More importantly, kudos on still being AF!!! That’s incredibly awesome, and you should treat yourself to something nice, like maybe a long walk around whatever beautiful natural areas there are in LA. Sorry. I’m not familiar with LA. But you know, treat yourself to something nice, because I read over on the other thread that you’re lacking funds to even pay for said booze should you cave. There are ways to treat yourself without paying too much (or any) money.

I don’t know what the exact answer is for you, but going outside fixed a lot of what was wrong with me in the past - at least temporarily. Maybe it will with you? Is there anywhere you can escape to from LA that will afford you natural beauty and quiet? Anyway, hang in there my friend :hug:

Soooooo, I’m doing OK - sorta. I know that at least two of my three references were called for this job. BUT, my boss (who knows I’m looking to leave and is one of my references) told me that they’re calling around to get a sense of who would be the best fit on their team (they’re a small company). It’s quite possible that they called the references for each and every one of the people they interviewed, so I can’t infer sh*t from that fact. Oy vey!

This job is really, truly, the one I want. I’ve never been so excited about anything since I started this whole job search. And this kind of opportunity is not likely to present itself again. I’m trying so hard to not get emotionally invested in this, but of course, despite my best efforts, I’m already painfully emotionally invested in this. I hope they hire me because if they don’t, it will absolutely kill me.

Anyway, on that happy note, I wish you all a good night!

[sunshinedaisies]

LOL - I get an e-mail when someone posts on the Topa thread and got the e-mail - went to the thread .... and nothing !! Could not understand it - until I saw your post - hence me posting now !!

LOL - have a good evening !!

Hugs, Sun xx

[Lostinspace]

Hi Sun. I'm so sorry about that. I type out my longer posts in a separate document, then cut and paste them here so that I don't get timed out. Last night I accidentally pasted it onto the wrong thread :blush: I was really hoping that no one noticed that. But I guess the way you have your account set up to e-mail you about new posts made it inevitable that someone would catch it. Oh well. Thanks for being nice about it. I hope you're having a good one, as well.