Here we go again

[Lostinspace]

kronk - Bac isn’t doing *quite* what I hoped it would do at this point. As you might remember, my drinking is down enormously overall (down to about 20% of what I was drinking pre-bac), but I’m still having trouble doing without when I really need to. This past week I’ve only managed a few AF days, when I really should buckle down and read up and study like crazy every single night, without something that clouds my mind and makes the reading painfully slow. The cravings are still too powerful.

However, another member recently informed me via PM that the particular generic brand of bac that I’m taking (fexobac) is of questionable potency. This makes sense considering that I had tremendous benefits from the first 160 mg (my valid prescription dose that I get from a local pharmacy), but nothing further since then, despite slightly more than doubling my dose.

I ordered another generic from Goldpharma. I was going to slowly switch from one to the other. But unfortunately (probably because I was buzzed when I ordered it), I neglected to notice that the price difference was pretty vast - over $200 more per 300 tablet order (my usual order). I’m having some financial difficulties right now and cannot sustain that type of expense. So right now, my plan (which I’ve already started implementing) is to fairly quickly titrate back down to 160 mg with the bac I still have left, and stay put for a little while until my finances improve. Then I will resume titrating up again, with the new generic that I will already have by then, with what will hopefully be much more favorable results this time around.

I know 160 mg isn’t enough for me, but quite frankly the pills I’m taking now might as well be sugar pills. I’ve experienced no benefit, which is odd, given how extreme the benefit was early on. So I doubt that going down that low will bring any adverse effects. I’m taking it slowly enough - go down 25 mg every five to six days. Obviously, if I do start drinking a lot more, then I will stop titrating down, as the money spent on booze negates any money saved by not taking bac (not to mention the other life-ruining effects).

Sorry, that was a very long-winded answer, as usual. But, really it’s just to say that I’m a work in progress. I’ll let you all know how it goes when I start going up again on the new and improved bac.

Anyway, I’m off to *try* to read and study. I drank tonight. Less than usual, but still enough to slow me down. Goddammit! I hope you all have a great weekend!

[Stevo]

G'day to everyone,
I really don't have much to say,my life is just cruising along at a very normal pace.
I had a big night drinking last night but I will write about that in my thread.I am having a few drinks as I write this post but really don't feel like having many more.
Seriously my life is so boring that I almost feel like posting on here is a waste of not only my own time but everyone out there's time aswell.
I like to post to let you all know that I am still here though.

Hope that your titrating down goes well LIS and I hope that everyone else is good out there too.

Cheers Stevo.

[Lostinspace]

Stevo - I’m so glad to hear that your indifference still seems intact and that you don’t want to continue drinking just because you did last night. And boring can be a good thing. Life with too much boozing can be horribly dramatic and chaotic. If you have nothing new to report, then that’s probably for the best. Thanks for posting anyway. We like to see you here

Today’s a pretty quiet day for me, too. I was gonna take my husband out for his birthday tonight (his birthday was actually yesterday, but by the time we were both done working, getting his present and cake, then watching a movie together on Netflix, was about all he was up for). Now instead of going out, he decided that he would much prefer to just have a barbecue at home. Whatever. I would’ve loved to take him out and treat him, especially since we almost never go out together owing to our lack of funds. But it’s his birthday. He gets to do whatever he wants.

Outside of that, my weekend is almost over. Things have picked up at work so much so that not only am I working longer hours during the week, I have to work tomorrow as well. At least I got to pick which day I’m coming in. My other two coworkers are there today, but because of my husband’s birthday, I said I’d be in tomorrow. The truth is that even if I wasn’t planning to spend time with my husband today, I still would’ve made an excuse to come in on a different day. One of my coworkers isn’t all that bad, but the other one is a loud, aggressive, misogynist, racist douchebag. Getting paid time and a half is not nearly enough to make me have to give up part of my weekend to spend with him. Yet another reason why I need a new job and to get far, far away from the one I already have.

Anyway, there’s no drinking for me today. I really wanted to earlier, but once I made a firm commitment to stay AF for my husband’s birthday dinner, the cravings have gradually waned. So far, I don’t notice any difference having dropped my bac dose by 25 mg. On Tuesday, I go down another 25 mg. Fingers crossed that there won’t be any problems until I get back down to 160. Of course, I’m hoping that I won’t have any increase in cravings. But if that is the case, then I’m gonna be super pissed that I wasted all that money on low quality bac that wasn’t even doing anything. We’ll see. Anyway, I hope you all have a great night!

[MeJustMe]

Hi everyone, I hope you are all well.

LIS - I hope that you didn't take what I said abt a coach the wrong way. I want to help but sometimes I wonder if I come across as overbearing. I'm sorry if I did.

Stevo - good news mate, I am glad you've found balance with Bac. I hope that you drop in once in a while. We need a few Aussies here to keep the Yanks in line (note to Americans reading this: this is a gentle dig, by no means do I wish to cause offence).

I am in a bit of a quandary; I took some furniture to my sister who lives 300km from me. I visited an old friend who was in that town clearing out his parents place for sale (his dad died in Jan).
My friend and I went to have a meal at a footy club and I ordered a glass of wine with dinner. Not sure why I did. Had three sips and left it there.
Tonight, back home, I have had a bottle of wine. I think I need to up my dose of Bac. I want to be sober.

[Lostinspace]

MJM - You didn’t come across as overbearing at all. I knew what you meant, so don’t worry about it. As for the bac, I would recommend going up a bit. It’s not unusual to go through a bit of a pre-switch bliss, much like you did recently. You’re just not at the right dose to make you *really* indifferent yet. I wanted to warn you about that when you first started talking about indifference, but I didn’t want to be a total buzzkill. Just keep going up further until you reach a level of indifference in all situations that you’re comfortable with.

I’m exhausted after an extra long day of work (on a Sunday no less) plus coming home to think about whether or not to even apply to this other job that just popped up on Friday afternoon. I really don’t even want it, but that’s because everything looks like a steaming pile of dogsh*t compared to the job that is still considering me. If they don’t have the funds for me, then I’m back to looking for steaming piles of dogsh*t jobs. I just don’t even have the energy to care right now. I guess my mind is made up. I don’t give a sh*t about this one. My mind is better applied towards reading up and studying towards the more promising one for now. Anyway, I hope you all have a great night!

[MeJustMe]

LIS - I'm sorry that you're having to work so hard in a job you don't like. That must be gruelling, esp when you know there's a 'maybe' job in the offing that you would really like. That sucks.

I'm glad I didn't come across as overbearing - phew! Sometimes it can be too easy to read into words things that are not there.

And thank you for your kind words and advice - I think you're right - I was a bit cocky with the way I was going. I was out of my comfort zone over the weekend and so the added stress must've been enough to tip me over. It did feel like it came out of the blue though. I didn't feel like I had cravings and then all of a sudden I did.

I am trying to not get into the guilts about 'busting' over the w/end. That's the AA judgement thing that's bit ingrained in me I think, but also it is the fact that I thought I had sobriety pretty much sewn up with the 70mg Bac I was taking. Going up to 80mg today.

The experience of drinking nearly 2 bottles of wine on 70mg of Bac was strange. I didn't feel totally drunk, and didn't get the buzz from it early on as I used to. My hang-over this morning is almost non-existant. Yet it wasn't fun, and it has enough of the old me about it I don't like. There I was at 12.30am in bed listening to tragic '80s music, the thing I do when drunk. I like my '80s music, just not when drunk and when I should be getting some sleep.

I know that what we're all aiming for with Bac is different here; not all of us want to be totally sober and that's fine with me. However I want to be done with AL. No more fiddling with the idea I can drink. I just don't want AL in my life, it has felt like life is a whole lot simpler when AL isn't part of the equation.

[StuckinLA]

Hi everyone. Things are a bit touch-and-go here the last couple days. We had a big fight on Thursday night, like talking about breaking up. I think I mentioned that... anyway, Friday she went to an al-anon meeting and I don't even want to know what happened, but she came home with an I Love You card and said she wanted to start over. I had been at the bar up until moments before I knew she would be home, but I don't think she noticed, and I didn't drink any more at home and the night went well. Saturday, too, was good and we went to a friend's house for a party and I didn't drink at all. Yesterday I went to the bar in the afternoon, and that ended up being an issue.

We talked a bunch more when I got home, and I think we're square again - sort of taking things a day at a time or something like that. It would be a whole lot better if I wasn't drinking at all. But otherwise things are actually really, really good. I work in the mornings - on writing that I actually care about - and then a few drinks in the evening. It's pretty much my ideal daily routine. So hopefully the longer I can walk this tightrope without falling off into a bender the better she'll be with me getting a good buzz in the evening. Or not, maybe we'll have to re-evaluate.

Either way, probably no drinking for me today. I have an interview for a summer position tomorrow morning. It's just a weekend college course for adult students. 20th Century British Lit, which isn't exactly my area but I'm familiar enough with it. Sounds like a great deal - just working on the weekends and just enough money to get me through the summer without going more broke than I already am, and a foot in the door at a small university in LA.

Anyway, that's it for me. Keep on keepin' on, folks!

[Lostinspace]

MJM - I wouldn’t say you were being cocky before, just understandably overjoyed at not being overwhelmed by cravings for the first time in your drinking life! Now you know you just need to go up a little higher to achieve that feeling more permanently. I’m so glad to hear that you’re trying not to fall into that guilt trap. Not only is life too short for that nonsense, but I’ve always found that feeling overwhelmingly guilty only made me even more likely to repeat bad patterns, strangely enough. Who needs that?! Also, many people have reported that bac breaks the high of drinking. It didn’t for me, but I’m not surprised that you didn’t get that usual buzz. Just be glad that now you have even one less reason to drink

Stuck - That’s great that your girlfriend is really talking about this stuff with you, making an effort to better understand (although I’m not sure how I feel about al-anon), and seems mostly understanding. I’m glad to hear things are going so well for you. How excellent to be writing things you WANT to write, instead of things you have to write. I really hope you can keep successfully toeing the line between a good buzz and a bender. But, if not, you know what to do. You’re an amazing guy. I really admire the strength you have, as someone who’s muddling through this alcohol maze with no craving reducing drugs to aid you. You’re really awesome! Anyway, good luck on your interview tomorrow. I know you’ll do great. You’re an exceptionally talented person. I wish you well.

So, I went down another 25 mg today. No biggie, really. There may be effects down the road (in the next few days) once my system really realizes that it’s missing something. But so far, no. I’m kinda pissed. I think the drug that I’ve been taking to supplement my prescription bac all this time may actually be a non-drug. That would explain the lack of further benefit from going up. It also explains why my body doesn’t give a f*ck that I’m going down so fast. This really sucks. ONE: because the real bac costs a LOT more. I don’t even know if I could afford it without a better job. (And that’ll take some real explaining to my husband, who thinks I haven’t been drinking this whole time on increased bac. Or really, even before the increase. I was drinking so little, he didn’t know the difference. Ugh!!! How in god’s name will I explain all this increased expense, once I start making more, without outright admitting that I was still drinking this whole time! Oh my god. This whole concept makes me want a drink). And, I’ve wasted all this time doing nothing good for myself. I’m really angry.

On that note, I hope you all have a great night!

[StuckinLA]

Hey all.

So I'm pretty sure I got a job today. The director of this program is named Millie, and she looks and acts like your grandmother if your grandmother were also a canary. She went from 'we have a couple more people we still need to talk to, as a formality,' to 'here is where you'll be making copies for your class' in about 5 minutes. It's all because a friend of mine who works there (and whom they love) wrote a beautiful recommendation for me.

My total lack of specialization in my resume helped a little.

Anyway, the drinking is definitely creeping back up already, and I'm going to need to reign it in. Soon. Just wanted to share the news, folks.

Stay strong, Lis! You will hear good news soon, I'm certain of it!

[Lostinspace]

Congratulations, Stuck! That's so awesome I knew you would do well. Maybe now that you (almost definitely) have a class to prepare for, it'll help you focus and drink a little less? Hopefully. I dunno. It often doesn't work out that way for me, but sometimes it does. Stay strong my friend.

I applied to two more jobs last night. I doubt I'll get either of them. I don't have the ideal background they're looking for in either position, but I applied anyway. They both do criminal background checks. And the second one not only asked outright what I've been arrested for, they also asked if I worked there before in any capacity, and if so, why I left. This job is at the university I went to grad school at, and where I also worked while in that program. So my answers to those questions (one right on top of the other!) show that I've been arrested for a DWI, and that I left grad school because of "medical illness" (i.e. I had a nervous breakdown, couldn't stop showing up to work drunk, and was forced to go on medical leave, from which I never returned). I'm willing to bet I won't be hearing back from that one, for sure, and probably not the other one, either

I should be hearing back from that job that wants me, but doesn't know if they can afford me, any day now. Puhlease get back to me. This whole job search is wearing me down to no end, especially now that things are getting so busy at the job I already have. Please someone save me from this hell, and please do it soon!! And please let it be my dream job.

Anyway, that's enough whining out of me. I still haven't noticed any real change from dropping a total of 50 mg of bac yet. My anxiety is through the roof, but that's always true at this busy time of the year at work. And the job search stress is no doubt compounding my stress levels. I didn't even really want to drink after work yesterday, but stupidly bought some vodka and bourbon "just in case." Of course, the mere fact that it was there lead me to drink it. I have to learn to take advantage of those low craving windows and use them to take a night off from drinking. I haven't gone without drinking since Saturday at this point. It's time to get serious!

Anyway, I hope you're all having a great day out there!

[StuckinLA]

Hi all,

Lis my fingers are crossed for you! I know this job you really want seems to want you too, and I hope they find the money! The others, well, you never know. Lots of people have taken medical leave - David Foster Wallace had to drop out of I think 2 separate graduate programs, and he did all right, professionally at least. And we all know I should have taken leave at least once while in school - these things just happen sometimes, and maybe it doesn't look as out of the ordinary as you feel like it does.

And I totally get the 'just in case' feeling. I had that a bit myself the last couple days. The only booze here this past week has been one 32 oz beer in the fridge and a fifth of bourbon. Well, Sunday night I set the beer on the nightstand and drank only a little of it - but I had to know it was there. Then since I don't like to waste things, Monday evening I finished it off even though it was flat and warm and disgusting, and after sitting out all day most of the alcohol had probably evaporated off anyway. So that left only the bourbon and so I had a couple of those before bed.

Well, after the interview the girl and I had lunch downtown, and I walked around a bookstore for a while, then went to the bar and sat there the rest of the afternoon. Mostly just bottles of beer, and I only ended up have a few shots toward the end before I left. That probably would have been ok, but when I got home there's only bourbon, and when I poured a few of those the girl got pretty pissed. No bueno. And I even made this big drunken point about keeping the bottle next to the bed - I knew, said, and actually meant that I didn't need anymore, I was plenty drunk. But I (stupidly) wanted to make the point that even if I'm not drinking from it, I kind of need to know that something is by the bed, and I figured that would make it *better* in her eyes. Not so much.

Anyway, I am not sure where we are at, the girl and I, right now. She doesn't seem like she's over the top mad and we're not really fighting. But I know she is not happy with the way things are going. And my thought, of course, is 'well maybe if I just keep a lot of beer around instead of liquor.' That might be the plan. I'm in a groove where a couple hours at the bar in the evening is enough, and when I get home I don't feel the need to get completely plastered to pass out. But I do want a drink in my hand, more to have than to actually drink. Ok, that's probably enough rambling out of me.

The job is a good thing. It's a good foot in the door and we'll see how things turn out. Have a good one, everybody!

[Lostinspace]

Oof! I’m sorry about the tension with your girlfriend, Stuck. I’ve definitely found that, in my relationship with my husband, honesty is not the best policy. She won’t understand why you want to keep bourbon by the bed “just in case” the way an alcoholic would. And it won’t go over well. I don’t really feel comfortable giving advice in this arena because my tactic has always been to hide, hide, hide! You’re still openly drinking with your girlfriend at times, so it’s probably better that you keep things out in the open for now. If she tolerates you drinking at all, then you can use experience, and trial and error, to figure out where the acceptability boundaries are.

Moreover, you said yourself that you’re in a groove right now where having a few beers is good enough. So yes, 1) stick to beer. Liquor consumption, and its effects, are much harder to gauge, as you know, and 2) who wants to drink their body weight in beer?! Given your tolerance (which seems much like mine), I wouldn’t think you could drink enough beer to cause any real problems, without throwing up first, for lack of stomach volume.

Anyway, congratulations again! That’s so great that you not only have a summer job, but a foot in the door to something more permanent. I knew you would get something. You’re very intelligent. My god, you explained your PhD thesis to me once and, as a science major, you might as well have been speaking another language. I was like a deer staring into headlights when I read that. But you got great feedback from everyone involved in your dissertation. You’re obviously a very talented writer. Keep on with what you’re doing. Much luck, and much love, to ya :hug:

So, here’s my great news. I got an e-mail today from the job I’ve been waiting for. They want me to come in on Friday afternoon to discuss current projects, compensation, my timeline for starting there, etc.! I am beside myself with joy. When I started looking for new jobs, NEVER did I think that something this wonderful would turn up! I can’t even express myself, partially because I’m buzzed FOR THE LAST TIME! Well, maybe tomorrow. But after Friday, once I know more about what my role will be with this team, drinking will have NO place in my life. I have to buckle down and get serious.

I don’t know exactly what literature searches to do at the moment because I haven’t met with them yet to go over our current projects. But once I do, it’ll be GAME ON. I’m back into 24/7 study mode. Anything, and everything, I come across that might be helpful to our ongoing efforts will be neurotically noted. I just hope to god that I can tune down the alcohol consumption (TO ZERO!!) because that’s what I really need right now. Hopefully stress will work in my favor this time, instead of causing a nervous breakdown. Aaaahhhh! I so wish I were better at handling things, but obviously I’ve gotten far enough to understand the intricacies of what’s before me. I used to tolerate alcohol a lot better when I was drinking more. Now, it completely obliterates my ability to wade through complex journal articles. PLEASE DON’T LET ME FAIL!

Anyway, I hope you all have a great night!

[StuckinLA]

Lis:

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!! I am so excited for you!

You are NOT going to fail. This is going to be a good kind of pick-me-up stress, not overwhelming stress. I'm sure of it. Because you're finally going to be able to do something you're excited about. Really, I cannot express how happy I am for you - your post made my day.

I finished teaching my last class and the last meetings with students. The girl picked me up from campus and we came straight home, which took the decision between going home and going to the bar for a couple out of my hands. There was just enough liquor to have 3 generous glasses of bourbon (almost 1/2 a fifth) - but no more in the house. That was a good thing, 'cause I wanted to have some drinks before bed, but did not want to get sloppy or out of control. I was worried that she was mad because she went right into the bedroom and kind of closed the door (not all the way), but after I got over my paranoia, I realized she was just in there playing the Xbox and doing her own thing while I was out here taking care of a few emails and watching a couple philosophy video clips. By the time I was ready for bed she had the lights off, but she perked right up for some sexy-times when I got in bed.

TMI, maybe, but the moral of the story is that she doesn't seem upset and as long as things stay more or less on this level, I think we're ok. And speaking of having work to do, the guy who was going to teach the class but backed out last minute (the reason I have a job) did not make a syllabus. So I have to develop a syllabus right away and the class starts at the end of next month. So I'm writing emails today and getting set to start working on that and to get over to fill out paperwork and all that.

Anyway, hope everybody's having a good day.

[dundrinkn]

Good news on this thread! Love it. Congrats on the new jobs Stuck and Lis. I am very happy for you both.

I am grumpy and tired and fighting allergies. So I am not going to post my misery. But really so excited for both of you that I had to chime in.

[Lostinspace]

Thanks, Stuck. I’m excited too, but a little terrified. And that’s so awesome that things are going so well with your girlfriend. And yeah, if she’s into sexy times, then everything’s golden. I really hope you can keep up this pattern, but if not, you know what to do. Plus, with this new job, you have an inside ally to get you a full-time job there. Let’s do a happy dance together. (I would find an appropriate icon, but I don’t think there is one). This is so great!! I’m really excited for you!

dun - I’m sorry you’re fighting allergies, and the general malaise that goes along with it, but thanks for stopping by. And thanks for your comment. Don’t be a stranger around these parts. We like when you come here

So, you guys, I’m terrified. I’m meeting with my new employers tomorrow and we will be going over very explicit content of their new projects (which I have no idea what they will be!). What if I they ask me for my opinion for on-the-spot suggestions for what they want to study (I won’t know. That will take some serious literature searches to find out what’s already been shown, and what direction we need to take now). Also, it’s been years since I worked in a research capacity. I’ve been wading through so many articles and I find myself looking up terms I used to know!! I’m rusty.

Please god, let them give me a chance! I’m literally willing to give up my whole life in the short-term, to get back up to speed, and then to give up a lot of my life still, to get the project completed. I will eat, breathe, and live my area of research, spending as much time as needed (even if it means I don’t get to do much of anything else - like when I was in grad school. My husband and I rarely go out as it is - ha!). I’m so terrified of failure. Oh god, please don’t let me say anything stupid when I meet with them tomorrow!

Anyway, I hope you all have a great night!