Here we go again

[Stevo]

G'day to all.

Just thought I would drop in and write a quick post.Not a great deal going on in my neck of the woods,my kids are on school holidays and running rampant.I am down to 120 on the bac and all seems to be going well with tapering down.I drank on the weekend but nothing unusual there happened,I don't seem to be experiencing any extra cravings or anything like that.I have to have the first section of my school work in by the 9th of July and I haven't done anything since the kids have been home.This shouldn't be a problem though I have taken comprehensive notes and now just need to find the time and a peaceful place to transfer everything to my computer.

Not much else to say except I am wondering where everyone is and I hope to hear from you all soon.

Take care as always...

Cheers Stevo.

[kronkcarr]

Hey everyone,

I hope all's well. Mjm, I'm sorry about your mom.

Nothing is new with me except work is slow finally and my running mileage is getting higher. It's so hot so I'm getting up at 4-5 am and running early. I'm not used to my new schedule yet.

My son and I went to NYC for a long weekend and had a blast. I needed a change of pace and was like a kid--so energized and curious.

I'm holding steady at 40 mgs of baclofen and found a bottle of tabs I didn't know I had so I can continue to put off getting a dr here for awhile longer.

[StuckinLA]

Nice to see people around a little bit. Lis, hope you're doing all right. Not much new from me, either. AF for a little while now, a little over a week. Having cravings in the afternoons but managing to ride them out. Sleep is a little better but waking up super early. Just trying to get as much writing done as I can, which most days doesn't seem like much.

[Lostinspace]

Hello everyone. Sorry I haven’t been posting. I’ve been stupidly busy at work and barely coming up for air.

Stuck - So happy you’re still AF after a week! That’s awesome The writing will come. I know I’ve told you before, but I always felt a little off/unmotivated whenever I first attempted to quit drinking. I’m sure your writing will pick up speed as you get your full wits back.

Stevo - That’s great that you’re still doing well on 120 mg. I guess my previous anxiety was unwarranted. You’re just going down to your maintenance dose. Good luck getting your school work in next week!

kronk - I’m glad you had a great trip with your son. And I can’t believe you’re getting up at 4-5 am for runs! I feel bad for myself having to get up at 6 am everyday. I guess that’s just what you have to do down south to beat the heat for your runs. That’s so great that you’re so motivated!

I’m hanging in, even with all the work stress. Been drinking a bit today and last night . . . because I finally have three days off! Well, maybe two and a half. I will have to go into work on Sunday afternoon for an hour or so, but nothing major. Anyway, overall I’m forgoing alcohol more than not. I think my AF to drinking day ratio is about 3:1 at this point. It’s definitely not perfect, but I’m making a ton of progress from where I was a month ago. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

[MeJustMe]

I'm in a terrible state. Been drinking for the last four evenings. i guess my mum's unwellness has caught up with me. Was feeling terribly depressed, and started to drink. I hate myself.

[StuckinLA]

Hang in there, MJM! Everybody goes through rough patches, and it's near impossible to abstain when on an emotional roller coaster, like you are, with your mom's health. It's never too late to dust yourself off, or to slow things down. No reason to hate yourself by any means.

[Lostinspace]

MJM - I’m so sorry things are so hard right now. Please don’t hate yourself. It’s only natural that you would fall back on a major crutch at a time like this. As Stuck said, it’s never too late to stop again. Right now give yourself a break. Hang in there :hug:

[jane27]

MJM, sorry also for the painful time you are going through. I'm glad you posted. Talking, even writing down how you're feeling is a great way to facilitate emotional through put. Even if you site down and begin with nothing more than bullet points of the things that come to your mind, it will get things churning. We've all heard it before, the only way out is through. So sorry about your Mom and thinking of you. Hang in there. Xo

[MeJustMe]

Thanks everyone for such kind words.
I didn't see that coming, I was going so well. I think I was on a 'war footing' with my mum - that is, I thought she could go at any time, and was spending most days with her, preparing for the moment that she passed. After a week of that, I just couldn't handle the emotional side of it. I felt really depressed, and nothing seemed to lift it. The thought of drinking came from deep inside, not just under the surface as it did without Bac. That was weird, it was as if I overrode the innate lack of cravings (on Bac) with willpower. I'm not sure what that was about, but once I started with that first evening of drinking, each following evening the thought of drinking was easier. I drank less than before Bac, and the hangovers are not as bad, but it is still not the life I want. The hangover days are still just as raw with their moments of despair and the constant foggy mind.
I know Amiesen used 25mg extra dose per day in times of stress. He was on 120mg a day, I think. I am on 75mg, and I will tritrate to 100mg for a while. This is a time of stress. I wish I had acted on this before - I knew that I was feeling stressed and that Amisen used more Bac in such times. I just thought I was doing okay, but clearly I was not. I have that AA guilt from having drunk again after nearly 3 months AL-free. There are other things I have not tried or tried sparingly such as exercise and meditation. I am starting to think that Bac is not a magic pill, that complimentary methods of staying sober and in peace with the world are just as important.
All this confirms my feelings about being AL-free. That is what I want most of all; without it any chance of a happy life will elude me.

[Stevo]

Good luck with it all MJM,just remember that this is but a small slip on a long road.
All the best to you.

[kronkcarr]

MJM,

The beauty of baclofen is that we're able to get back to being AF once we're aware. It's not quite the magic pill but it does give us the choice. I think it's a good idea to titrate up. Hang in there.

[MeJustMe]

Well here I am again, after five nights of drinking. My wife suggested I get some counselling about my mum. I have a D&A counsellor I used to see, and am going to make an appointment to see her. I have to coach my son's soccer team tonight so that will help in my quest to halt the drinking. I really don't like being here again - hungover, foggy head etc - but thanks so much everyone for your support.

[StuckinLA]

I was AF for about 2 weeks. The girl and I came up into the mountains to house-sit a friend's lakeside cabin, and watch their dog and cat. The weekend was lovely, and the girl left yesterday so she could get back home and get ready for work today. Our friends aren't due back until tomorrow or Wednesday, I think, so I stayed here and am heading back first thing in the morning so I can meet my independent study student at 11 in LA. Well, it was going to be a nice night and day on my own, to get some writing down while looking at the pine trees and the lake.

I'm not too worried about taking the opportunity to have a few drinks last night and tonight. But the cat escaped - it didn't happen because I was drinking, the cat runs out sometimes and there's no stopping him when he really wants out. He hasn't come back yet and the sun is going down. I'm pretty distraught, though my friend isn't so concerned yet (I've sent him a few texts today, updating him). Anyway, well, no writing today because I've been outside walking around pretty much all day looking for the damned cat, and now there's really nothing to do but open a beer and wait. Up bright and early tomorrow to drop the dog off at a dogsitter, and then back to the real world and (hopefully) another AF streak.

If y'all have made it this far, I think the counselor sounds like a good idea, MJM. If nothing else to at least have a chance to talk through some of your feelings. About your mom, maybe even about drinking if you've talked with her about that. I hope it helps.

UPDATE: Well, after calling the damned cat's name every time I went out to the front porch to smoke this afternoon/evening, I finally heard a faint meow in the distance. I followed it, and found the f**king cat 3 houses over, under a front step/walkway. I saw his face under the step just as he retreated into the darkness. I ran back to the house, brought food out, but he would not be lured from under the step. Then tried waiting him out a little longer, then took the dog over there and he ultimately came out and the dog helped herd him into the goddamned house. Now, after spending nearly 24 hours outside, he's sitting on the kitchen table and rubbing his face against my arm and generally acting like nothing in the world is the matter. What a dick. But he's safe. And I didn't lose my friend's cat, thank God.

[treetops]

Stuck that's normal cat behaviour. It's worldwide. Cats take mindfulness on to a new level- haha, cunning little things. I never over-read into cat behaviour. They just do what they want and survive if they can.
You take care and I hope some more solid work comes your way. And keep those AF days and nights rolling along. You know it's best for you even if it's not what you want.

[Lostinspace]

MJM - I think the counseling is a really good idea. Grief can be really hard to work through and I wish I had done it myself over a very traumatic loss years ago. As far as drinking goes, just keep in mind that you’ve only been drinking five days now. That’s nothing in the long run. Once you have a chance to work through the grief a bit, you’ll find that once again, drinking holds little appeal. You said yourself that right now your lack of cravings are being overridden by a desire to escape. Or something like that. I’m paraphrasing. (Please correct me if I’m wrong). Anyway, keep strong, my friend. And I don’t mean that as in, keep a stern face, so that no one else can really tell what you think. I just mean, live through this very difficult event in your life. If you want to cry, so be it. If you want to distract, so be it, too. I’m not a counselor, so I don’t have the best advice, but I would think that ideally, you’ll give space both to grieve your mother, and also to distract yourself with anything else and have some fun (if you can - if not, that’s OK, but really try to do some things you used to find fun that don’t take up so much time in your day, but just distract you and you enjoy a little).

Stuck - I’m sooooooo (did I include enough o’s) happy to hear that you’ve been sober for almost two weeks. That’s amazing. You’re amazing! So what if you drank a little while housesitting. If your priorities are in the right place, and yours are, then you’ll be OK again. And that cat? I’m so, so sorry. Cats really can be dicks. (I actually am a cat lover, I promise). I grew up with them. It’s just their personality. With dogs, they’re sooo happy to see you whenever, and even if they get loose, they’re just looking for those loving parents who will reel them back - of course, with doggie treats that is. You can’t force them to come to you. C’mon now. Who wouldn’t want to spend the rest of eternity roaming as far as we could outside our home pastures, while still getting fed. Pretty sweet deal, right?). Then with cats, like, they might actually look at you, some of the time. No matter how much love you spoil them with. That’s why I’m kinda with my husband on this one. When we get enough money to afford a pet, it will be a DOG. Someone who loves our attention, our walks, our play, etc., etc. I’m sorry. I got really siderailed. All that’s to say that I’m sorry for the terrible cat trouble you went through.

I’m doing OK. I drank YET again. I’m really pissed off at myself. I started drinking over the July 4 weekend, because who doesn’t, right? Then, I drank every single night of my vacation from work (the only one I’ll get for a while - I literally work seven days a week, it sucks). I wish I could stop this nonsense somehow better.