Here we go again

[Lostinspace]

Ne - I feel you on the whole having to hide the evidence of drinking. Only worse yet, in my case, since I can’t have my husband see it sitting in the recycling bin, I wrap the bottles in paper towels, put them in a plastic garbage bag to boot, then throw them out either in the very bottom of my kitchen trash (by digging underneath a whole lot of garbage, then washing my hands and forearms furiously), or by driving them into town to dump them in a different garbage can. I’m an environmental disaster! It’s bad enough that I don’t recycle the bottles, but to add paper towels and plastic bags to hide what I’m throwing away - shameful! Anyway, I hope you’re coming along, my dear, and moving towards greater happiness every day. Hang in there :hug:

MJM - I’m glad to hear you’ll be titrating up. You’re under a lot of stress and it will probably help you a lot, both with the drinking and with the anxiety/mixed feelings of everything. Keep us posted when you get a chance.

Stuck - That IS a good sign that you’ve hidden full beers instead of empties. That further shows you’re making progress. Good luck with your phone interview!

As for me, I’m not doing well. I had a reeeally good run with not drinking more days than not. Then the July 4th weekend happened, and I’m finding it really hard to justify why I shouldn’t drink (after all, I only drink a small amount compared to what I used to). I know that line of reasoning is bulls**t because it does still affect me in negative ways, but I’m finding it very hard to stop. I’ve also noticed that, due to my hectic work schedule (which is unusually hectic this week, as compared to the past), I’ve missed several doses of bac in the last week or so. My doses are unequal. I take it four times a day, but the highest concentration of my doses (by far) are the ones at midday and late afternoon (so that I can build up the dose in my system such that as I leave work, I’ll be at maximum saturation). Those middle of the day doses (the ones that are HUGE) are exactly the ones I’ve been forgetting here and there. It’s not cool. Obviously my cravings haven’t returned with a vengeance. But I believe that my sometimes missing doses (I missed one of those megadoses at least three times this last week), are having an impact on me. I need to work out a better schedule. I just don’t know HOW. I’m never in the same room all day long, and I can’t stop my experiments to go take a dose. By the time said experiment is over, I’ve often already forgotten to take it. AAAAAAHHH! I don’t expect answers. I’m just really frustrated. I will work out a system for myself. But my current system ain’t working. Anyway, I hope you all have a great night!

[Lostinspace]

Today has been the absolute worst. I drank more than usual last night. There’s more to the story than that, but I don’t feel safe sharing the details. My husband is beyond furious with me. He threatened to leave me. He screamed at me for about 10 minutes straight while pounding his fist into the wall next to him, leaving several holes that kept getting bigger and bigger in the process. We’re now missing about three feet of our wall - literally. He told me repeatedly that I’m f*cking stupid, that he f*cking hates me, and that if I drink just one more time he’s out. He said he would rather live alone in a hole in the wall than have to spend another minute with me. I’m completely devastated right now. Of course, I brought this on myself, but that only makes the self-hatred more intense. Sorry to be such a downer. I’m just not in a good place right now - at all.

[Spiritfree]

Today has been the absolute worst. I drank more than usual last night. There’s more to the story than that, but I don’t feel safe sharing the details. My husband is beyond furious with me. He threatened to leave me. He screamed at me for about 10 minutes straight while pounding his fist into the wall next to him, leaving several holes that kept getting bigger and bigger in the process. We’re now missing about three feet of our wall - literally. He told me repeatedly that I’m f*cking stupid, that he f*cking hates me, and that if I drink just one more time he’s out. He said he would rather live alone in a hole in the wall than have to spend another minute with me. I’m completely devastated right now. Of course, I brought this on myself, but that only makes the self-hatred more intense. Sorry to be such a downer. I’m just not in a good place right now - at all.

Lost -I am truly sad for you and really sad to read this post. You always seem to be so helpful to others but now you find yourself in a very difficult place. Lost, I know that you very much dislike me and probably will have no comment to this -my post- and this really is ok for me. But Lost, first and foremost, in my opinion, you have to find a way to the plug in jug. These are certainly no words that you want to hear -but this is the reality.

For almost two years now, you have struggled so hard to stop drinking while trying to take Baclofen to find a 'switch' point. Lost, truly, there is no absolute switch point if you continue to drink. Yes, you may indeed feel less inclined to drink more alcohol while taking Baclofen, but the end result is still the same; you will still want alcohol to change the way that you feel.

Lost, you are not f stupid and you are not any form of 'loser' -in my opinion. It is my opinion that you are only a sick person who needs REAL help and it will probably come in forms not related to this site. And Lost, you are a GOOD person. Look at how many people you try to help on your thread. You truly do use the kindest words to try to help them.

But now LOST, it is about you. You have to begin taking steps -immediately- to help you and not worry about anyone else. Please do not post back tomorrow that you were just extremely out of it and now you are 'back in control'. You are not in control and you share your life with someone who seems to be very violent -at least at the walls. I know that he has to be very-very frustrated and scared for you and I also know that you are very-very frustrated with yourself. Lost, trust me, I know that the only thing that you THINK can make you feel better right now is alcohol -and, well, you are probably right. But now is the time to start putting a plan in motion to rid yourself from alcohol.

Lost, again, I know that my words to you mostly meaningless, but if you do happen to read this message, make a decision to stop drinking before it kills you. Stop trying to give advice to others about how to care for themselves and start taking care of yourself. It really does sound like you are at a point that you have to become very selfish in an attempt to rescue yourself. My only wish for you and your husband is to find peace as you travel your path.

--sf--

[Stevo]

I was so sorry to read your post LIS,I really don't know what to say.I just want you to know that you are in my thoughts today and I hope that you get some peace soon.

[kronkcarr]

Lis,

I'm sorry. The one thing I agree with that's been said is that it is all about you. You have choices to make that only you know what's right for you. I wish you all the strength and clarity to choose what's best for you.

Mjm, I'm so glad your mum is going home. Hang tough. You've got this.

Stuck, how's it going in your world?

Stevo and Ne, I'm thinking of you.

My world spins on. Work is slower but I have $$ so I'm not having to fret. I'm running and hit a few mentally hard days last week. I'd hired a trainer so we talked and he put me in touch with others who are distance running so I have others to vent or talk with. I think running is a lifesaver for me. I'm running almost daily and there's no room for over drinking. I'm running mainly in the dark and I'm changing that. Today I ran somewhere different and saw camels. It's amazing what floats my boat. Tomorrow I'm out at 5:30 for 22 miles and I'm keeping a positive attitude. Bring that dopamine on!!!

Happy weekend all.

[terryk]

I feel for you too, Lis - I'm really sorry that you are having a terrible time. You are going to have to do whatever it takes to pick up the pieces and buckle down *right now.* What can we do to help you? I'll be here too with you in my thoughts. :hug:-tk

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Aw, man. I'm so sorry Lis. I gotta admit that I'm kind of angry with your husband, though. And that said, I'll share a story.

A while ago, I woke up in the guest room and I knew something was off, but I couldn't remember the evening or night beforehand. I can't tell you when I blacked out, but it was early. The vacuum cleaner was in the dining room, and that triggered a little bit of recall, that I'd broken a glass...Maybe I'd fallen? But I remembered only that Ed cleaned it up.

He was already at work, and when he got home that night, we talked about it. Turns out that I was stumbling drunk, it was really late, and I was carrying an empty wine glass and a beer, and headed back to my space to drink. He told me to go to bed...I don't actually know what the conversation was...But my super-supportive husband, who has absolutely no room to judge, lost his temper. Apparently, according to him, he knocked the wine glass and the beer out of my hands. They shattered and spilled everywhere, knicked our dining room table (the fanciest piece of furniture we own).

My response? I told him to fuck off, got another beer and went to my space to drink it. He went to bed, though eventually got up and half-heartedly cleaned up the mess.

Ed's not a violent guy. And he was really ashamed of his reaction. I'm very, very grateful that I don't remember it, because it would then have been a VERY big deal. It's still a big deal, though, obviously. I just don't have to live with the trauma of the memory. The worst part? When he told me he was barely holding it together and that he needed me.

My point? I hate that your husband isn't being supportive of you. But I get it, too. I just happen to sympathize (much more) with you and your struggle.

Hang in there. And for goodness' sake, please don't beat yourself up. Figure out a way to make it about the disease, and not about you. If there is one thing Ed and I have learned, it's that we can take responsibility for our actions without making the decisions we make when drunk (or because we drank) define how we feel about ourselves.

Sending positive vibes. And these :l :l :l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Sorry to add to an already long post. But I want to explain something.

I'm not ashamed of my behavior. I know a lot of people wouldn't understand that. But I'm not. And Ed isn't ashamed of or for me, either. We both know why we drink. (It's a disease, a chemical malfunction. It needs treatment, not shame.) We both know that when we reach a certain point of drinking, there isn't any reasonable control over decisions. (Like, seriously, why wouldn't he take a cab when he was really drunk? Who knows? There isn't any explaining the irrationality of the really drunk mind.)

At the same time, we all have our limits. He's reached his breaking point. I HAVE to go to bed before I get to the point of no return. He knows that he can't make me go to bed. He knows that if I cross the line, I don't really have any control over the decision, in that moment. So it's up to me to make sure that I don't cross the line. Just as it's up to him to make sure he doesn't cross the line when he goes to his regular-ish guys-night-out poker game. (Doesn't mean he doesn't have to keep in touch and call me before he decides to get in the car to come home. Ha! Trust that he can stay in control and not cross the line only goes so far when it comes to driving. I know you know.)

Anyway. That's not to say that we absolve each other. We're titrating up, in counseling, doing the things that need doing to get and stay sober. And the situations aren't the same because we're both alcoholic and don't have a commitment to abstinence. We get it. I wish your husband understood it better, too. But in the meantime, self-recrimination feeds your disease. It doesn't help you get better.

xx

[All done drinking]

Sending hugs

Lost, I am new to this thread and have to say I am incredibly sorry to read your post. I shared a similar circumstance but in a much milder form. My hubby stated that he was really tired of me embarrassing him when I drink too much and suggested I take a real look at quitting. Yours was an extreme moment, mine much more subtle, but the message was the same. Our drinking is affecting our relationships and when that happens choices need to be made. I am actually on vacation which seems like the hardest time to quit because that is the one time hubby and I tend to drink nightly. We are also seeing dear friends who are BIG drinkers so it was a real challenge today. Poolside they had beers they were more than willing to share. Dinner meant before dinner drinks, drinks with dinner, and a wonderful after dinner liquour. I brought 2 bottles of flavored ice tea and bit my lower lip when they all toasted to the Frangelica and commented about the flavor, smell, etc. I just kept hanging on to the bigger picture of the fool I had made of myself earlier this week and kept telling myself the upside was not worth the downside. Wishing all of us luck on this journey. Back to you though, Lost, stay strong. Without knowing all of the details, perhaps he had been drinking when this happened and he overreacted? Without knowing you at all and being new to this thread, not sure if you're ready to quit and where you are in your journey. Sending good thoughts your way for a calm resolution and a better tonight for you.
Addy (all done drinking, YES!):hug:

[jane27]

LIS, Im sorry to hear about how crummy you're feeling. It may be hard for you to see when you're so upclose to the situation, but from a distance I believe you are still in the game. He still cares a lot or he wouldn't be so upset. I've seen a similar situation, but instead of getting mad or expressing concern, the husband totally looks the other way because 1) when she's drinking he knows exactly what to expect and it makes his life easier 2) I honestly think he hopes she'll end up killing herself (accidentally, on purpose, OR as a side effect of the AL).

We've all heard the expression about people embracing change only when staying the same becomes more painful that making the change. This could be your big chance- it really seems like you are still in the position to turn this around.

I hope you are ok and will check in. Xo. Jane

Today has been the absolute worst. I drank more than usual last night. There’s more to the story than that, but I don’t feel safe sharing the details. My husband is beyond furious with me. He threatened to leave me. He screamed at me for about 10 minutes straight while pounding his fist into the wall next to him, leaving several holes that kept getting bigger and bigger in the process. We’re now missing about three feet of our wall - literally. He told me repeatedly that I’m f*cking stupid, that he f*cking hates me, and that if I drink just one more time he’s out. He said he would rather live alone in a hole in the wall than have to spend another minute with me. I’m completely devastated right now. Of course, I brought this on myself, but that only makes the self-hatred more intense. Sorry to be such a downer. I’m just not in a good place right now - at all.

[MeJustMe]

LIS - that's terrible. You must feel awful. I just want you to know it will pass. You will be okay. Take care, and please post an update. We all care about you. X P.

[Lostinspace]

Thank you all so much for the support, and for sharing your own stories. I apologize if my post is disjointed. I haven’t had my morning coffee yet because my husband is still sleeping soundly on the couch right next to the kitchen (of course he didn’t come to bed last night). I wouldn’t dare wake him up right now. Anyway, I have a really rough road ahead of me. I KNOW I need to stop drinking for good immediately. The thought of losing him altogether is too painful, even though the next few weeks, or even months, will likely be absolute hell in our house - silence and obvious hatred whenever we pass each other. I want so badly to change and I need to make it happen yesterday (which I did forego drinking yesterday). I have no idea how I’m gonna make it through this weekend. I can’t stop crying and I feel so dead inside. I’m gonna go for a walk later, but outside of that, I really don’t know what to do with my time. Anyway, thanks again for all the support. I really appreciate it.

[Spiritfree]

Thank you all so much for the support, and for sharing your own stories. I apologize if my post is disjointed. I haven’t had my morning coffee yet because my husband is still sleeping soundly on the couch right next to the kitchen (of course he didn’t come to bed last night). I wouldn’t dare wake him up right now. Anyway, I have a really rough road ahead of me. I KNOW I need to stop drinking for good immediately. The thought of losing him altogether is too painful, even though the next few weeks, or even months, will likely be absolute hell in our house - silence and obvious hatred whenever we pass each other. I want so badly to change and I need to make it happen yesterday (which I did forego drinking yesterday). I have no idea how I’m gonna make it through this weekend. I can’t stop crying and I feel so dead inside. I’m gonna go for a walk later, but outside of that, I really don’t know what to do with my time. Anyway, thanks again for all the support. I really appreciate it.

Lost -Goodness, I wish that there were words that I could send to you that would make the alcohol situation go away for you. Really, it seems as though all that I can do is send you my thoughts of Peace for you (and your husband).

Lost, you mentioned that you "felt so dead inside". I remember that feeling all too well. For me, this feeling came to me just a few days before I had to submit my self to 30 day program where I was able to begin taking Baclofen and separate myself from all the other 'problems' in my life. Certainly, this may not be possible for you, but I am so grateful that I had the support of my wife and sons. (This was there second go-around with me having to go elsewhere for awhile.) But that emptiness-dead feeling inside, just damn. I had gotten to the point that alcohol would not even help to relieve this pain. My only thoughts at that time were that I must somehow find a way to change and live life.

I too cried and felt so desperate, alone, empty -almost lifeless at that time. On my drive to my Baclofen-30-day treatment destination, I called my mother (very supportive), and as we both cried together, I will never forget some specific words she said to me; "sf, you deserve and have the right to be happy to be free."

Lost -You too deserve and have the right to be happy and free. And I believe that you have what it takes to make that happen.

Peace to YOU

--sf--

[jane27]

LIS,
You are not alone in this. As for how to fill the time or get through the day, have a look in the Newbies Nest and/or the Toolbox. Everyone has different ways to get through those first few weeks. I found it easier to tell myself, 'there's only 1 thing you have to do, and that's not drink." Something about knowing I could do or not do anything else at ALL (lie in bed and eat cookies, surf the internet, window shop on Pinterest), helped me to feel less anxious about it.

The prospect of quitting sucks, you feel like hell, you're emotionally beaten and shredded, your home is filled with tension- I get it. You just need to bullshit your way through one minute at a time and its sounding like you have your back up against on a wall on this- that the only choice you have at this point to save the marriage is to make the big promise. Put some serious thought into it (for you and for your marriage). I'm not suggesting it has to be the speech of the century- just that has to be simple, meaningful, and crystal clear. Essentially- you're going to be asking him for a loan in taking a leap of faith. Think about the things you want and the things that you don't want. Attach reasons why to both, and get out your superhero cape. You have 1 mission only- don't drink. It doesn't have to be any harder than that (at least in principle). Ofcourse it's WAY harder than that, and that's where MWO comes in. You come here and talk your head off. Nothing can stop time from passing. You can do this, in fact, you're the only person that can do this one thing. Alcohol is bullshit. Its cheap and predictable, everything they say about it is true; but for addicts its so much worse a thing than you can even imagine. You have to be smart and on guard.
How are you doing today?

It wasn't when people started saying things about my drinking.
It wasn't when I was embarrassed at a company meeting for being so drunk the night before that they were taking bets if I'd show up at the morning meeting. (250 people)It wasn't when I fell down the stairs on Christmas Day 2005 and broke my tailbone and 3 ribs.
It wasn't when my liver readings started being 'off' and I had to have blood removed because my body was making too much iron.
It wasn't when I started drinking earlier every day and at 10:30 a.m. on weekends.
It was when my husband of 24 years packed his clothes and left me Jan 19, 2011. He told me that he was not going to be married to a drunk. THAT is what finally got my attention. Byrdie

Marylou123's marriage hit the rocks roughly a year ago.

Hi Nesters, As many of you know, my husband walked out January of last year. That was my wake up. My gratitude to the MWOers who have told heir stories, provided advice, extended compassion or a swift kick in the butt, is overflowing. My husband came back after nearly a month but it was very rocky for the next six months - at one point we were eight days from our divorce being final!! Boxes were packed, the house was on the market, etc. Fast forward - after asking him to work with me one last time, he agreed. That was almost a year ago and we have worked very hard to get back on track. He now trusts me not to drink (such a wonderful thing!). More importantly, I trust myself but I stay ever vigilant. We're going to a two-day marriage retreat next month and I can't wait. And, this may be TMI, but the physical intimacy has finally come back too. Yippee!!

[Lostinspace]

Thanks, Spirit and jane. And thanks for the tips, jane. I’ll check out the toolbox. I don’t think this is a good time to say anything to my husband, though. He doesn’t want to hear that this time really will be different and to just have faith in me. He’s heard it all before, many times during our 14 years together. I need to tell him with my actions. Hopefully, he’ll stick around long enough to see those actions manifest. I really appreciate the quotes you left at the end. They do make me feel less alone, and the second one really gives me hope.

The worst part of all of this is that up until this last week, it seemed like our marriage was better than ever. He thought that I had stopped drinking when I started on baclofen. The truth is that my drinking was just so far reduced that 99% of the time he couldn’t tell I had been drinking - and that 1% when he could? I was able to successfully blame it on my night meds making me wonky, and said I should just go to bed because I stayed up too long after taking them. Now, after two separate instances in the same week where he knows beyond any shadow of a doubt that I was drinking (with Thursday night being particularly bad), he now realizes that I had been lying to him all along. I never stopped drinking, in fact, I was drinking almost every day (he thinks it was every single day, but I guess it doesn’t even matter when there’s that much deceit involved).

I can’t believe we went from happy, laughing, holding each other in our arms and just talking, to having him tell me repeatedly that he f*cking hates me and that he doesn’t want me in his life anymore. I’m sooooooo hoping that this isn’t the end for us. My heart is already breaking in a million pieces, and I feel terrible for all the betrayal on my end - the outright lying, wasting our money on booze while he’s scrounging to find enough to pay certain of our shared bills, etc.

The only beacon of hope right now is that I actually don’t want to drink. Normally, this kind of emotional turmoil would send me straight to the liquor store, but this time I just feel completely defeated and depressed. I have no desire to do anything. I can’t even make myself eat. Obviously I’m gonna need to find the motivation to get back into life come Monday, but I hope this feeling of not wanting to drink never leaves me. Drinking has destroyed so much in my life. I want no part of it. I’m sorry to go on and on these last couple days. I’m just feeling so alone and broken and scared, and you guys are the only people in my life that I can talk to about this kind of thing. Thanks for listening.