Here we go again

[Spiritfree]

Thanks, Spirit and jane. And thanks for the tips, jane. I’ll check out the toolbox. I don’t think this is a good time to say anything to my husband, though. He doesn’t want to hear that this time really will be different and to just have faith in me. He’s heard it all before, many times during our 14 years together. I need to tell him with my actions. Hopefully, he’ll stick around long enough to see those actions manifest. I really appreciate the quotes you left at the end. They do make me feel less alone, and the second one really gives me hope.

The worst part of all of this is that up until this last week, it seemed like our marriage was better than ever. He thought that I had stopped drinking when I started on baclofen. The truth is that my drinking was just so far reduced that 99% of the time he couldn’t tell I had been drinking - and that 1% when he could? I was able to successfully blame it on my night meds making me wonky, and said I should just go to bed because I stayed up too long after taking them. Now, after two separate instances in the same week where he knows beyond any shadow of a doubt that I was drinking (with Thursday night being particularly bad), he now realizes that I had been lying to him all along. I never stopped drinking, in fact, I was drinking almost every day (he thinks it was every single day, but I guess it doesn’t even matter when there’s that much deceit involved).

I can’t believe we went from happy, laughing, holding each other in our arms and just talking, to having him tell me repeatedly that he f*cking hates me and that he doesn’t want me in his life anymore. I’m sooooooo hoping that this isn’t the end for us. My heart is already breaking in a million pieces, and I feel terrible for all the betrayal on my end - the outright lying, wasting our money on booze while he’s scrounging to find enough to pay certain of our shared bills, etc.

The only beacon of hope right now is that I actually don’t want to drink. Normally, this kind of emotional turmoil would send me straight to the liquor store, but this time I just feel completely defeated and depressed. I have no desire to do anything. I can’t even make myself eat. Obviously I’m gonna need to find the motivation to get back into life come Monday, but I hope this feeling of not wanting to drink never leaves me. Drinking has destroyed so much in my life. I want no part of it. I’m sorry to go on and on these last couple days. I’m just feeling so alone and broken and scared, and you guys are the only people in my life that I can talk to about this kind of thing. Thanks for listening.

LIS -I truly hope that you know that you have many of us out here pulling for you -and many of us have been exactly where you are right now.

Spouses are usually the most difficult to deal with in situations with those who are afflicted with the disease of AUD. They really and truly can not understand that there a true mental disorder going own with their spouse. I do not think that this makes them love us any less and I think they say things they really do not mean -just out of pure frustration/fear of not knowing what to do help.

I will never forget a particular episode that occurred that eventually ended up changing my life -forever (positively), and allowed me the opportunity to choose on my own to seek help. I needed this particular desperate moment in my life to take the action that I was so fearful to take. The event that occurred was my wife packing a few of her things and saying that she was moving out. It was a Saturday night and I was absolutely drunk (again) and I had said things to her that I had never said before. She was so mad -she was so scared -that my life was about to end and there was nothing that she knew of that could help. At that time, my wife and I been married for 26 years. I could absolutely not believe it when she walked out that door, cranked her car, and left. I only assumed that she would return later that night -but that did not happen. In fact she did not return for three more days and I had never felt so much pain in all of my life. I had the pain from the alcohol abuse, I had the extreme pain from my wife leaving, I had the pain knowing that my three sons were hurting out of fear -I had become desperate and acquired the most hopeless feeling that I had ever had. But that is what it took for me.

When my wife finally returned home, she and my three sons had found a place for me to go that was perfect for me -only that it was 1,500 miles away -but that was ok too. The bottom line was that none of us hated each other -we all were just so full of fear and not knowing, that we said and did things we never would have under any other circumstance.

Final thought LIS. I played the same hiding game that you do/did -for years. Wow, that one part of alcoholism take a whole lot of work-energy. I would imagine that the hiding routine, for an alcoholic, consumes as much time and energy as does the drinking itself. But I do think that the 'hiding' part is good from one respect; it means that we do not want to see the ones that love us hurt. After all, they are not only hurting when they see us drink (we are not with them), they see us hurting ourselves -the ones they really love. (and neither side really knows the answer)

Peace to you LIS. (YOU will find YOUR WAY!)

[Lostinspace]

Thanks for sharing that, Spirit. Yes, having a spouse leave, or threaten to leave, is an extremely painful thing for sure. I wouldn’t wish the inner turmoil that I’m feeling now on anyone. I’m glad things worked out for you in the long run.

And I will find my way. I’m now on my third day AF, but the cravings came back today. That sense of defeat, that I’m done for good, that I felt yesterday has already dissipated, so I’ve decided to start titrating back up on bac again. I didn’t think I noticed a difference coming down from 325 mg to 250 mg, but in looking back over the last couple months, there most certainly was a difference. Outside of a glory period at the end of June, where I was AF more days than not, and once had almost a whole week AF, I had in fact been drinking slightly more a lot of nights. And occasionally, I drank a lot more. I don’t think I talked about it a whole lot here because I didn’t see it as a problem myself. What’s wrong with one or two extra shots a night? And occasionally getting a wee bit tipsy (but still able to control myself and not black out or fall down or anything)? Don’t most people do that? I thought I still had everything under control. But as they say, hindsight is 20/20. It’s time to start recognizing that things did change when I went down in dose. And the fact that I’m craving badly at a time in my life when not drinking is paramount means I need to take quick action.

So I went up to 275 mg today. I’ll stay here for a week, then go up to 300 mg (I’ve never had any bac side effects and I seriously doubt that going up that quickly will be a problem for me). Plus, I need to get off my keister and start exercising regularly again. I stopped going to the gym and just started going for walks after work instead when the weather got nice. Then slowly, but surely, the walks faded away as well. To make matters even worse - I started smoking again. I don’t know where the energy to work out is going to come from, considering that right now I can barely peel my depressed ass off the couch, but it must start tomorrow. I haven’t been taking care of myself at all. It was probably inevitable that a big blowout between my husband and me would be on the horizon.

Anyway, that’s my story of the day. My husband is still not talking to me, I’m still terrified that he’s going to leave, and no matter what I try to read or watch on TV to distract myself from all this, I just can’t. It’s too painful, and too much on the forefront of my mind. Anyway, I hope everyone else out there is having a good night.

[MeJustMe]

LIS - glad to hear you're going up on the Bac and getting back into exercise. I had a blow up with my wife saying she would leave a few months ago. That was when I was just a week or two sober! It was incredibly painful, and although we worked it out, I was completely gutted at the time. I realised that in coming off AL, I do tend to be in a funk for a few weeks, and that was a big part of why my wife was so upset with me.

I too am titrating up on the Bac, now at 100mg. For the first time in a while, yesterday I felt a bit ambivalent about drinking. I still did anyway Today I am going to try a lot harder to listen to that indifference - I have given away the last bottle we have in the house.

My mum is back home but it's still very difficult to watch what's happening. She is supposed to have a carer there all day but dad keeps sending her away. I put my foot down with dad, telling him that the carer has to stay. I am going to try to step away a bit from mum and dad - not ignore them completely but I am finding myself worrying about them all the time and it is not doing me any good.

[treetops]

Just wishing you lots of strength Lis and I really hope you can work through this. You clearly love your husband and want to stay with him. Its going to be really tough but you know that. Exercise sounds good. I want you to know that lots of people on MWO care about you - not just the regulars on this thread.

[Lostinspace]

MJM - I’m sorry you went through something similar - and all that AFTER you stopped drinking. That must’ve been really gut-wrenching. And try not to beat yourself up for drinking even though you felt ambivalence. It happens. We’ve all done it. You just have to pick yourself up and keep trying. Also, I’m glad you’re going to take some time away from your parents. You need time for yourself, too, both to work through your own emotions about everything that’s going on, and to think about/do anything else. Hang in there :hug:

treetops - Thanks so much for that. That really means a lot.

Today has been a real struggle for me. I can’t wait to feel some sort of indifference on bac. My cravings reared their ugly head several times today. Luckily, I was at work for most of it, so I couldn’t very well leave and go buy some. After work, I managed to make it straight to the gym and jogged on the treadmill for 20 minutes (all I could manage). Then I managed to make it straight home. Now I’m home in an uncomfortable world of silence. My husband is in the next room right now cooking dinner for himself. I want so badly to just talk to him, see him smile, hold him in my arms, anything, but that ain’t gonna happen any time soon. I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and doing what I need to do (or rather abstaining from what I shouldn’t be doing). Anyway, I hope you’re all having a good one out there.

[MeJustMe]

LIS - It sounds like it's still tough on the home front - hang in there. I think as others have said above that this might be the shock to the system that will spur you on to stay sober. The fact that your husband is still there is good, and having experienced the cold shoulder for nearly a week from my wife I know it's not pleasant. You're doing okay, no in fact you're doing really well. You are facing AL addiction that kills so many who live in complete denial. You're not in denial and you are doing something about it. Good on you. Take care.

[Lostinspace]

Thanks, MJM. I think this really is the shock to my system to finally kick the foolishness out the window. I’m day 5 AF (not that I plan on keeping track long-term, but how can I not at this point?). Anyway, I hope everyone’s having a great night out there.

[dundrinkn]

Hang in there Lis. Been thinking about you and hoping things ease between you and the hubs soon.

[StuckinLA]

Hang in there, Lis. And I know it probably doesn't feel like it, but you really should be proud of your 5 days! That's a great start!

It reminds me of a scene in Infinite Jest (David Foster Wallace), where one character is an addict and he's just stopped getting high a couple days prior, and he's talking with his brother and totally freaking out. He's asking things like How am I going to manage, and What the hell am I going to do, and that kind of thing. And his brother, knowing he has just quit, simply says You already did it.

I didn't narrate that very well because I just woke up and I'm still on my first cup of coffee. But you already did what you need to do: you aren't drinking.

Sending big hugs. Autocorrect changed that to 'hogs'. And you know what, if I could send you big hogs I probably would do that, too, because bacon.

[jane27]

Lis, 5 days is solid! Keep on keeping on!

[treetops]

You are doing really well Lis - this is almost a week AF. Concentrate on you getting sober and gibe yourself and your hubby time to deal with the other questions.
Like so many I had a shock that kicked me into finally quitting - not like yours - but in my case it was very serious health issues. However my home life was also in a really bad way. My partner however had chosen to look away but once I showed I was serious about quitting he was "sort of" supportive (very skeptical at first). And if I look back on my past, AL screwed up some good relationships.

Sending lots of hugs (but definitely no bacon - those poor piggies!)

[Spiritfree]

LIS -Count or no count -does not matter. I remember in my early days, I sometimes counted hours. LIS, it took 12 days free from alcohol and taking baclofen for me to truly start to understand what Dr. Ameisen was talking about. The lack of alcohol and the addition of a medication (baclofen) was the beginning for me. After about 30 days, it was as if the baclofen had taken over and I was truly beginning to feel a sense of well being and a huge reduction in anxiety.

All my other attempts at quitting -pre-baclofen were hell until about 90 days and then the cravings would keep bombarding me every three days or so. With baclofen, those bombarding experiences had ended -not drinking and taking baclofen creates huge results -for many (not all).

Here is the real problem with baclofen -as I see, for most people who take and it works for them: Eventually, the baclofen ends up allowing the person to continue to drink with many fewer side effects. After a certain period of time, the alcohol takes back control but continues to use baclofen as a hangover relief pill. This was my experience at one time and I imagine that I am not the only one.

Once again, at that time, while taking baclofen and back to drinking, I had to somehow go back and remember that our brain (AUD), is symptom driven and not caused in and of itself. Finally I started addressing the realities of the symptoms that were part of my AUD disorder and of my initial actions were painful. (I had to stop speaking to my dad -for what turned out to be over a year as part of a learning system to create healthy boundries. He and I had previously been in business together and spoke 10 or 12 times a day together.).

Again LIS, 5 days awesome. Just keep trying to know that if you keep on doing what you doing now, you will be a totally different person in a few months -and might possibly look back and say "damn, I cant believe that was me".

[Lostinspace]

Thanks so much you guys. I really appreciate the encouragement. I’m still plugging along. It’s a real up and down battle, as I’m sure you all know. This morning I was marveling over how much clearer my thinking was, and how much better I felt, after not drinking the night before. Then around 3:00, the massive cravings kicked in and just would not go away. I finally kicked them in the face by going for a really long walk at a local park after work (my legs are too sore from two days in a row at the gym to go back there tonight - I’ll try again tomorrow).

I’m thinking about going up to 300 mg tomorrow, rather than wait until Sunday. I only have one more day left of work this week because I’m going away Friday through Sunday for my family’s annual reunion at the shore, which will be a laid back time. Plus, tomorrow is gonna be an easier day at work than what the rest of the week has been, so I don’t anticipate it being a problem if I find I’ve gone up too fast. I dunno. I’m just desperate to get rid of the nasty cravings and feel some peace.

Anyway, thanks again to all you lovely people. I hope you, and everyone else out there, has a great night!

[Stevo]

It was so good to read your last couple of posts LIS.The last one especially has a sense of relief about it,which was so good to see.
Keep up the great work and enjoy your family weekend.

Good luck with everything and as always I look forward to seeing everyone's posts but at this stage most of all I am looking forward to yours LIS.

Hope all are well...

Cheers Stevo.

[Lostinspace]

Thanks so much, Stevo. You’re really sweet! I always look forward to hearing from you, as well. Well, it’s day 7 AF for me and things are finally starting to turn around. My husband is warming up to me a little and I get a three-day weekend away from it all. Here’s to hoping that each day gets a little easier. I won’t be around until Monday, so I hope you all have a great weekend, and I’ll catch up with you next week.