So, I've been scarce. Here's why.
The last I posted regularly I was in the throes of abilify withdrawal. For about 3 weeks I collapsed into bed for entire weekends, barely functioned at work and was very, very miserable. Probably more than I am capable of even comprehending. But I knew that drug was making me fat, confused and indifferent to life. There was no going back.
Only twice a week did my mood boost- when my trainer thrashed my ass at the gym. Slowly, my moods between gym days improved and I settled into my New Year's resolutions of music, exercise and cat volunteering. By the end of march I think I had cleared the hurdle, and it was so traumatizing that there was no clear demarcation point I could recognize except in hindsight.
Earlier in March, I was so engulfed in loneliness I signed up for an niche networking site in the hopes of starting to date again when I got stable. But things were far from certain, I got word that my contract would end May 31st so I started fastidiously saving money.
On good Friday, I saw the profile of a woman who hit all of my buttons- cats, music, books, a weird sense of humor, and very, very attractive. I made myself write to her and wondered if she'd think I was in my right mind to do so- she was 10 years older than I am.
Our conversations resonated like pushing someone on the swing exactly the right way to make them go higher each time. It was like she already knew me. We had everything in common- both sacred and profane things.
I was a ball of anxiety until May 31st- texting her every waking moment and losing ground on my good work with music and exercise. Then word came that I was being renewed until Christmas. And then I went totally fucking nuts.
We had hinted repeatedly that we needed to meet, and June would be a good time. I obsessively priced plane tickets for the 500 miles between us, and the more we discussed the logistics and details of the matter I finally broke down and offered to drive. There are some things you do not want turning up in an x ray machine at the airport.
She offered to meet me halfway- and a lightbulb went off in my head. Exactly halfway between us is a historic 5 star resort. It just happened to be my 30th birthday, and I drunkenly laid down the plan to sweep her off her feet. I booked a weekend at the end of June, offered her the invite (which she accepted in a state of flattered stupefaction), and counted down the most agonizing month of my life. I had plenty of money saved up that I didn't need for being laid off and could afford this, so why not live a little?
The next few paragraphs will sound very creepy and inappropriate if taken out of context. So I must mention this. After I booked the room, I read her the riot act that she had better not be cheating on anyone by seeing me and must indeed be single. She then broke down and said she had something to tell me, but it would take a couple of hours to get it together. She was engaged for about 10 years and it catastrophically fell apart when she got cancer. Since then she never wanted to be in a relationship again, she thought men were simply incapable of ever treating her kindly. Even though she's gorgeous and clear now, she's never lived it down or thought herself capable of loving again. I then related my story of how my 6 year relationship disintegrated with a lot of money and my academic career on the line and how I too was broken, never to love again. Suddenly it made sense why she was close to her mom and clung codependently to cats like I do. I was never afraid to say anything to her after that. Finally, I found someone who understood, and no gesture felt too great. She slipped and said she loved me, and I said those exact words had gone through my head as well. But I told her never to text them again. I wanted her to say it in person. So we came up with a euphemism to say before bed each night- "3 words".
She also said her birthday was the weekend before we met. I got a devious scheme- she had dropped the username of one of her girlfriends she would go on obscene troll raids with to get men to food their inboxes with pathetic flirtations. I knew if she was telling me about her, then she definitely already knew about me. I messaged her and asked for her address so I could send a birthday gift, knowing full well she'd confront her that some creep was asking where she lived. The address came back. Well played.
I knew that she was expecting something, so it really wouldn't be a surprise. Then I saw a briefcase lying on the floor and got an idea- lock her present inside, give her friend the code, deny sending it and let her troll friend terrorize her for each digit to get it open. She would be so overwhelmed when she realized that the surprise doubled over on itself in the most unexpected way.
I also sleuthed out her shoe size from her friend and went to Nordstrom for red patent something- and then I saw a pair of red Valentino heels that screamed over all the others. When it came time to ship, I told her friend the code and to terrorize her for up to 48 hours in exchange for the digits so as not to interfere with our trip.
I texted her a heartfelt message about how my words would have to do, and how I was above material goods and was not a superficial person, and maybe she should check her goddamn mail because SOME people actually still sent cards.
She then sent me this puzzled message about what was in the locked briefcase after the fedex guy left and I was refreshing the delivery confirmation page incessantly.
"Dear, I just got a locked briefcase from you- what on earth are you up to?"
"Leave me alone WOMAN!!! I don't even know your address. Quit wasting my time with this childish crap. Maybe someone who DOES know your address would be better to ask. Don't bother me."
She boiled over in a total rage when she realized she'd been had. First she was angry with her friend for about 20 seconds for conspiring against her like that and leaving her out of the loop- then got very obedient when she realized who was holding the cards.
- For the first digit she had to send flirts to older men. Being that she's very, very hot, this is a death wish. Screencaps were required to prove each one.
-For the second digit she had to post horribly insipid music to her feed like Justin Beiber and endure the hate mail.
-She never made it to the third number, because she was able to guess by then.
She broke down crying with joy when she realized how far I had gone for her. No one had ever put that much thought into doing anything for her before.
(Words of wisdom, men, do not EVER EVER think of trying something like this unless you've confirmed she's already crazy about you. Otherwise it would be very inappropriate.)
I took the next Friday off from work and drove down to the resort. I arrived early to scope the place out, and decided we would meet at an open air rotunda with a mineral well at the bottom. I dropped a pin (you know, a phone map pin), and told her to follow it to meet me. She was to stare at the sprinkler so I could sneak up behind her with the bouquet of roses I'd bought at the resort's florist a few minutes before. I saw her from 100 yards off- her scarlet Jessica Rabbit hair blazed conspicuously. I tapped her shoulder, she took off her ray bans, and we locked lips without saying a goddam word. Then, we said the 3 words for real.
The next 36 hours were a blur of bucolic garden strolls, sex and 5 star dining that I will not indulge in too much detail here. I suppose the one thing that would grab the essence of the weekend was when we were in the main dining room, the band started playing "unchained melody" and we just stared at each other, not saying a word. I circled my thumb in her palm and watched her facial expression change as her pulse went up and her breathing became labored- what could you possibly say in a moment like that? How many thousands of times in your life do you hear that song without realizing how beautiful it actually is?
When we left, we stood on the portico for over an hour because the valets screwed up finding her car. We could care less- leaving there would be like jumping into a cold swimming pool. Finally, they hauled ass bringing her car back, we loaded up and went to the train station across the way to say a proper goodbye.
I drove so recklessly on the way back- utterly out of my mind with joy. If anybody likes the Pixies, their track "Greens and Blues" happened to come on and I blasted it on repeat. I could just not be contained.
We're meeting once a month with her flying up here until we figure out where this is going. I've never been so happy in my life. If you want any perspective, read my early posts from late 2012 at how horribly my life was going back then. Things do get better.
Ain't it good to be alive?
The last I posted regularly I was in the throes of abilify withdrawal. For about 3 weeks I collapsed into bed for entire weekends, barely functioned at work and was very, very miserable. Probably more than I am capable of even comprehending. But I knew that drug was making me fat, confused and indifferent to life. There was no going back.
Only twice a week did my mood boost- when my trainer thrashed my ass at the gym. Slowly, my moods between gym days improved and I settled into my New Year's resolutions of music, exercise and cat volunteering. By the end of march I think I had cleared the hurdle, and it was so traumatizing that there was no clear demarcation point I could recognize except in hindsight.
Earlier in March, I was so engulfed in loneliness I signed up for an niche networking site in the hopes of starting to date again when I got stable. But things were far from certain, I got word that my contract would end May 31st so I started fastidiously saving money.
On good Friday, I saw the profile of a woman who hit all of my buttons- cats, music, books, a weird sense of humor, and very, very attractive. I made myself write to her and wondered if she'd think I was in my right mind to do so- she was 10 years older than I am.
Our conversations resonated like pushing someone on the swing exactly the right way to make them go higher each time. It was like she already knew me. We had everything in common- both sacred and profane things.
I was a ball of anxiety until May 31st- texting her every waking moment and losing ground on my good work with music and exercise. Then word came that I was being renewed until Christmas. And then I went totally fucking nuts.
We had hinted repeatedly that we needed to meet, and June would be a good time. I obsessively priced plane tickets for the 500 miles between us, and the more we discussed the logistics and details of the matter I finally broke down and offered to drive. There are some things you do not want turning up in an x ray machine at the airport.
She offered to meet me halfway- and a lightbulb went off in my head. Exactly halfway between us is a historic 5 star resort. It just happened to be my 30th birthday, and I drunkenly laid down the plan to sweep her off her feet. I booked a weekend at the end of June, offered her the invite (which she accepted in a state of flattered stupefaction), and counted down the most agonizing month of my life. I had plenty of money saved up that I didn't need for being laid off and could afford this, so why not live a little?
The next few paragraphs will sound very creepy and inappropriate if taken out of context. So I must mention this. After I booked the room, I read her the riot act that she had better not be cheating on anyone by seeing me and must indeed be single. She then broke down and said she had something to tell me, but it would take a couple of hours to get it together. She was engaged for about 10 years and it catastrophically fell apart when she got cancer. Since then she never wanted to be in a relationship again, she thought men were simply incapable of ever treating her kindly. Even though she's gorgeous and clear now, she's never lived it down or thought herself capable of loving again. I then related my story of how my 6 year relationship disintegrated with a lot of money and my academic career on the line and how I too was broken, never to love again. Suddenly it made sense why she was close to her mom and clung codependently to cats like I do. I was never afraid to say anything to her after that. Finally, I found someone who understood, and no gesture felt too great. She slipped and said she loved me, and I said those exact words had gone through my head as well. But I told her never to text them again. I wanted her to say it in person. So we came up with a euphemism to say before bed each night- "3 words".
She also said her birthday was the weekend before we met. I got a devious scheme- she had dropped the username of one of her girlfriends she would go on obscene troll raids with to get men to food their inboxes with pathetic flirtations. I knew if she was telling me about her, then she definitely already knew about me. I messaged her and asked for her address so I could send a birthday gift, knowing full well she'd confront her that some creep was asking where she lived. The address came back. Well played.
I knew that she was expecting something, so it really wouldn't be a surprise. Then I saw a briefcase lying on the floor and got an idea- lock her present inside, give her friend the code, deny sending it and let her troll friend terrorize her for each digit to get it open. She would be so overwhelmed when she realized that the surprise doubled over on itself in the most unexpected way.
I also sleuthed out her shoe size from her friend and went to Nordstrom for red patent something- and then I saw a pair of red Valentino heels that screamed over all the others. When it came time to ship, I told her friend the code and to terrorize her for up to 48 hours in exchange for the digits so as not to interfere with our trip.
I texted her a heartfelt message about how my words would have to do, and how I was above material goods and was not a superficial person, and maybe she should check her goddamn mail because SOME people actually still sent cards.
She then sent me this puzzled message about what was in the locked briefcase after the fedex guy left and I was refreshing the delivery confirmation page incessantly.
"Dear, I just got a locked briefcase from you- what on earth are you up to?"
"Leave me alone WOMAN!!! I don't even know your address. Quit wasting my time with this childish crap. Maybe someone who DOES know your address would be better to ask. Don't bother me."
She boiled over in a total rage when she realized she'd been had. First she was angry with her friend for about 20 seconds for conspiring against her like that and leaving her out of the loop- then got very obedient when she realized who was holding the cards.
- For the first digit she had to send flirts to older men. Being that she's very, very hot, this is a death wish. Screencaps were required to prove each one.
-For the second digit she had to post horribly insipid music to her feed like Justin Beiber and endure the hate mail.
-She never made it to the third number, because she was able to guess by then.
She broke down crying with joy when she realized how far I had gone for her. No one had ever put that much thought into doing anything for her before.
(Words of wisdom, men, do not EVER EVER think of trying something like this unless you've confirmed she's already crazy about you. Otherwise it would be very inappropriate.)
I took the next Friday off from work and drove down to the resort. I arrived early to scope the place out, and decided we would meet at an open air rotunda with a mineral well at the bottom. I dropped a pin (you know, a phone map pin), and told her to follow it to meet me. She was to stare at the sprinkler so I could sneak up behind her with the bouquet of roses I'd bought at the resort's florist a few minutes before. I saw her from 100 yards off- her scarlet Jessica Rabbit hair blazed conspicuously. I tapped her shoulder, she took off her ray bans, and we locked lips without saying a goddam word. Then, we said the 3 words for real.
The next 36 hours were a blur of bucolic garden strolls, sex and 5 star dining that I will not indulge in too much detail here. I suppose the one thing that would grab the essence of the weekend was when we were in the main dining room, the band started playing "unchained melody" and we just stared at each other, not saying a word. I circled my thumb in her palm and watched her facial expression change as her pulse went up and her breathing became labored- what could you possibly say in a moment like that? How many thousands of times in your life do you hear that song without realizing how beautiful it actually is?
When we left, we stood on the portico for over an hour because the valets screwed up finding her car. We could care less- leaving there would be like jumping into a cold swimming pool. Finally, they hauled ass bringing her car back, we loaded up and went to the train station across the way to say a proper goodbye.
I drove so recklessly on the way back- utterly out of my mind with joy. If anybody likes the Pixies, their track "Greens and Blues" happened to come on and I blasted it on repeat. I could just not be contained.
We're meeting once a month with her flying up here until we figure out where this is going. I've never been so happy in my life. If you want any perspective, read my early posts from late 2012 at how horribly my life was going back then. Things do get better.
Ain't it good to be alive?
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