I write this post for all the other seekers out there, suffering alcoholics like me who caught the trail of baclofen and followed it to My Way Out and others who have taken this medication, often as a last ditch attempt to treat their disease, to find a way out of the anti-life of addiction.
They may, like me, have come across Dr Olivier Amiesen’s illuminating book The End of My Addiction. For me, the only thing as persistent as my drinking over the last tortured decade has been the quest to find a solution, if not a cure. I saw Amiesen’s book a few years ago but flinched from it at the time, reluctant to add yet another ‘Quit Drinking’ tome to my already groaning and quite useless library of recovery books. How I wish I hadn’t passed it by then, for if I had read the revelation contained in that book at the time it would have brought me to this amazing new place so much sooner and saved much misery in the process. Anyway.
Around three months ago, in the depths of alcoholic despair, drinking red wine to oblivion every night while my world collapsed around me –again- I spied the book on Amazon, bought it, absorbed it and threw my lot in with baclofen. I went to ask my GP for it only to be met with a bored “Have you tried AA?” and a detached refusal. So much for the UK medical profession.
I ordered baclofen online and began a careful titration protocol over the next three months, roughly upping the dose by about 15mg every three days. I fought side-effects that ranged from uncomfortable to almost debilitating, as well as a creeping pessimism that the fabled switch or indifference was too much to hope for.
After about two months (when I reached 140mg) into my protocol things started to change in subtle yet tangible ways. Where before my drinking would begin on a Tuesday evening and escalate over the course of the next six days until I emerged bloody, bruised and shaking on Monday morning only to pull myself together and then begin again, the baclofen started to help me stave off drinking in the week. I caught myself at odd moments forgetting all about alcohol. It was a very new, very intriguing and quietly exciting sensation. But the weekend benders continued apace.
And then, about three weeks ago, something really strange happened. I was braced for another dark weekend, another binge. But it didn’t happen. I glided through it with barely a twinge, hardly any craving. I thought about booze but only in a very abstract way. If I felt odd it was because I felt that I should be drinking, but I didn’t want to. Instead I started using the time to put my life back together, to clean away all the debris around me after six months of heavy drinking and isolation. I cleaned my house, washed my car and began to put my affairs back in order.
This new ease and ‘lightness of being’ continued into the week as I felt my addicted voice diminish more and more until it was barely a whisper. By the next weekend, which I sailed through completely, effortlessly sober, I knew that a profound change had come over me. I wanted to post about it here but told myself to hang on a week or two, just to know that this ‘change’ was real. So I held back.
But here I am three weeks sober and I can say with pride and profound relief that I have absolutely, irrefutably hit my switch. I am indifferent to alcohol.
Everything that I’d dared to hope baclofen would do for me has transpired. It hasn’t just got me ‘clean and sober’. Baclofen has erased the addict in me. The last three weeks have been like emerging from prison after a ten year-stretch. I’m blinking in the light, seeing the world in a whole new way, feeling again what life is like without carrying around a demonic 800 pound gorilla. The positive aspects of my character that have been submerged and suppressed by alcohol for so long are rushing back to the surface. I find myself caring about myself and other people more. I’m thinking clearer than at any time in years. I’m not afraid of things anymore. I am taking on challenges, seeking new ways to grow and discover. I’m rediscovering what hope feels like again; what hope means beyond merely hoping to get better from the sickness of addiction.
So to the other seekers who might read this, I can tell you that if baclofen can work for you then it is truly a gateway to freedom from addiction.
Phew! Thanks for reading.
They may, like me, have come across Dr Olivier Amiesen’s illuminating book The End of My Addiction. For me, the only thing as persistent as my drinking over the last tortured decade has been the quest to find a solution, if not a cure. I saw Amiesen’s book a few years ago but flinched from it at the time, reluctant to add yet another ‘Quit Drinking’ tome to my already groaning and quite useless library of recovery books. How I wish I hadn’t passed it by then, for if I had read the revelation contained in that book at the time it would have brought me to this amazing new place so much sooner and saved much misery in the process. Anyway.
Around three months ago, in the depths of alcoholic despair, drinking red wine to oblivion every night while my world collapsed around me –again- I spied the book on Amazon, bought it, absorbed it and threw my lot in with baclofen. I went to ask my GP for it only to be met with a bored “Have you tried AA?” and a detached refusal. So much for the UK medical profession.
I ordered baclofen online and began a careful titration protocol over the next three months, roughly upping the dose by about 15mg every three days. I fought side-effects that ranged from uncomfortable to almost debilitating, as well as a creeping pessimism that the fabled switch or indifference was too much to hope for.
After about two months (when I reached 140mg) into my protocol things started to change in subtle yet tangible ways. Where before my drinking would begin on a Tuesday evening and escalate over the course of the next six days until I emerged bloody, bruised and shaking on Monday morning only to pull myself together and then begin again, the baclofen started to help me stave off drinking in the week. I caught myself at odd moments forgetting all about alcohol. It was a very new, very intriguing and quietly exciting sensation. But the weekend benders continued apace.
And then, about three weeks ago, something really strange happened. I was braced for another dark weekend, another binge. But it didn’t happen. I glided through it with barely a twinge, hardly any craving. I thought about booze but only in a very abstract way. If I felt odd it was because I felt that I should be drinking, but I didn’t want to. Instead I started using the time to put my life back together, to clean away all the debris around me after six months of heavy drinking and isolation. I cleaned my house, washed my car and began to put my affairs back in order.
This new ease and ‘lightness of being’ continued into the week as I felt my addicted voice diminish more and more until it was barely a whisper. By the next weekend, which I sailed through completely, effortlessly sober, I knew that a profound change had come over me. I wanted to post about it here but told myself to hang on a week or two, just to know that this ‘change’ was real. So I held back.
But here I am three weeks sober and I can say with pride and profound relief that I have absolutely, irrefutably hit my switch. I am indifferent to alcohol.
Everything that I’d dared to hope baclofen would do for me has transpired. It hasn’t just got me ‘clean and sober’. Baclofen has erased the addict in me. The last three weeks have been like emerging from prison after a ten year-stretch. I’m blinking in the light, seeing the world in a whole new way, feeling again what life is like without carrying around a demonic 800 pound gorilla. The positive aspects of my character that have been submerged and suppressed by alcohol for so long are rushing back to the surface. I find myself caring about myself and other people more. I’m thinking clearer than at any time in years. I’m not afraid of things anymore. I am taking on challenges, seeking new ways to grow and discover. I’m rediscovering what hope feels like again; what hope means beyond merely hoping to get better from the sickness of addiction.
So to the other seekers who might read this, I can tell you that if baclofen can work for you then it is truly a gateway to freedom from addiction.
Phew! Thanks for reading.
Comment