I'm leaving My Way Out

[lex]

The tee shirt said:



I'm not a doctor-

But I'll take a look!



:congratulatory:

[lex]

But let's move on ...

So, anyway, I'm grateful that I am not hungover this morning. What am I going to do today? Shovel driveway, meditate for an hour, go to gym for an hour. Then what? Read for a while. Then what? I don't know- why look too far ahead? At least I don't have to work all day. And I can walk around on my own two legs. And I'm not in severe pain. Much to be grateful for!

[lex]

Maybe I don't have as much trouble staying AF as you do, NE, because alcohol really doesn't do the full trick for me. After a couple of beers, I tended to get a little antsy. I'd feel a sort of tension or agitation or something that would propel me to drink 3-4 more beers, just to alleviate it. The result: routine grogginess and hangovers, the occasional regrettable comment, and the rare outright temper tantrum resulting in severe domestic disharmony.

Maybe this feeling I get after a couple of beers is what AA refers to as the "craving" phenomenon. I used to think it was just rising "tension" or "excitement" or something, but after listening to AA tapes I have a hunch that this feeling I get is the "craving" that AA says afflicts the "real" alcoholic. Who knew?

Anyway, I used to try to alleviate this uncomfortable feeling, which would arise after having a couple of beers, by taking a benzo or a painkiller (if I had one or the other lying around from a legitimate prescription), or a couple of hits of pot. That would usually do the trick.

Well, when I hit 60, I had to conclude this pattern is simply not sustainable into old age.

[lex]

... just writing this to clarify it to myself, of course, but also in case it helps you, NE, or anyone else.

[lex]

anyway, what I guess I mean is that if alcohol did what, say, opiates do (the first few times you take them, at least), I for one would find it very hard to quit drinking. But, in my case, alcohol is not a panacea.

but, then again, if alcoholics by definition do get the same kind of antsy feeling that I get after a couple of drinks, I guess alcohol is not exactly a panacea for them, either. Yet they don't, or can't, stop drinking. It's confusing.

[Spiritfree]

Ne, in your posts, you are never asking for help. You are always telling us of your struggles and offering advice. If you were the one needing input or support, your thread would go off the charts. I would gladly give you my home number and address. You can call anytime, day or night, and I know I am just one in a long line of people who feel like I do. I have read many of the posts on this forum and I know that your line of friends is long. With a pedigree like that, how could you possibly fail in anything you try?
Maybe that is SF's comorbid condition. He doesn't have any friends.
If that's not it, Ne and I know what it is...
He's a half bubble off plumb!
Knobert :thumbsup:

Knoberto -hey, what about me? I got feelings to you know. Yes, you are not the first to suggest that I am a few fries short of happy meal, but why do you feel compelled to continue to point this is out to me.

BTW, great post to NE. I will assure you that she appreciates it more than you can know.
--sf--

[Ne/Neva Eva]

[SIZE=2]

Ne, you're not leaving anything. Let's get that BS out of the way right now!

I know. You missed this thread: https://www.mywayout.org/community/me...ng-mwo-ha.html

You have used Baclofen and quit drinking and know first hand what "indifference" is as it pertains to one who was alcohol dependent.

What happened after that, why you did whatever you did, or why things happened that led you to lose that "indifference", doesn't matter anymore.....It's done!! And it is nobody's business.

Well, given that I lay everything out there on this forum, it is in some ways other people's business. I mean, it wouldn't be right not to post the truth, and the truth is that I stopped taking enough baclofen and I relapsed. That was a year ago, now! And since then I've gone up, and then down, and then completely off of baclofen. I started again at zero! I will keep up my thread about what happens, since there aren't many people who have done this little experiment.



But you ARE right that I've experienced indifference and I won't settle for anything less than that.



You're also right that I haven't made my puppy into a rug. She is finally coming around, so it's unlikely you'll be able to use her to scare your kitties. Sorry.



And the truth is, Ed hasn't killed me yet. He's a peach. I'm a lemon. Not that he doesn't have his moments! But that's marriage for you. Can't be all sweet and succulent all the time. And I am not always bitter and annoying.



Thanks for all the kind words, my friend. They are appreciated.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

... just writing this to clarify it to myself, of course, but also in case it helps you, NE, or anyone else.

Lex, thank you very much for sharing your story. It means a lot and makes a difference. Not just for me, but I'm sure for other people, too.

There are plenty of people who remain abstinent, some for a little while and some for a long while, despite being alcoholic like me. (Started young, have it genetically, as everyone in my family has some form of it, and have always had it as a first and true and only love...) Some of them can do it without meds. I don't know how.

There are also a lot of people like me. And many of them (us) choose not to be abstinent. Maybe we can't? When I was drinking, before I reached indifference, I swore I would never drink again if I was able to finally choose. Once that choice was available, though, I changed my mind, for many reasons. And the truth is, I know it can be done...But that doesn't mean I think it's right for everyone.

Know this, though. I didn't relapse because I drank occasionally during the four years that I was indifferent. I relapsed because I stopped taking enough baclofen and I completely stopped taking care of myself. Habits are hard to make and easy to break.

I don't doubt that regular meditation and exercise, and listening to the tapes helps you keep your focus. It worked for me, too. (I didn't do the tapes, just the exercise and meditation.) Now? Not so much. I don't know what I'm waiting for...perhaps (as my psychiatrist has suggested more than once) I need to deal with some other crap before I'm willing.

And unlike the first time I reached indifference, I am not solely focused on sobriety right now. Maybe it's lame, maybe it makes me seem untrustworthy to people who are depending on my suggestions/posts/thoughts. But I try to be honest and give people what I got when I was fighting for my life against booze, even though that is not what I'm doing now.

Again, thanks for your posts, lex. And the chance to share where I'm at without further judgment. I hope, anyway.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

BTW, great post to NE. I will assure you that she appreciates it more than you can know.
--sf--

I really, really wish you would stop speaking for me. You don't know me. And just because you're right this time does not mean you have the right to voice my opinions. Please stop.

[lex]

NE- I understand where you are coming from. In fact, for most of my adult life I have come from that position. It is likely I'll be coming from that position again at some point in the future. For now, though, I'm just trying to string along as many AF days as possible while getting healthier and learning as much as possible about being a kind person. Because I know that as soon as I go back to drinking, I'll start putting the pounds back on, making the occasional regrettable politically-incorrect comment, and starting the rare domestic quarrel. That is just the price I myself have to pay for liquid relief.