Hi! Im here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of this

[Stevo]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

Hello from Australia,

I'm in an AirBNB and have been since Monday, I have been very fortunate. My cat Toshi is with me and I've been here since leaving the other place. My old landlord is still a massive dick with me receiving a very nasty message after leaving and cleaning the place, it was cleaner than when I moved in. I have a friend who's a very respected lawyer, I would usually let karma run it's course but after the message and the landlord breaking so many tenancy laws I am going to let her deal with it. She'd been indicating for a while she would like me to give her permission to contact them...after the last message I decided maybe in this case I'd follow her advice.

I'm safe, Toshi's happy and it's given me a week to try to work things out. I have a couple of irons in the fire and will see about another short term accommodation option tomorrow which will also allow Toshi to stay with me until something longer term comes along.

I'm going up to 365 tomorrow, I'm on beer 4 and don't even want to finish that.

Loving checking in and seeing this thread moving along, and am very grateful for all the thoughts from names recognisable. We're all still here doing our things, MWO is where we meet even after many years.

Going to eat, and then sleep...I have slept better in the last few days than I have in quite some time, it's super welcome.

I saw Thanksgiving was draining Ne, I look forward to an update after a few days to unwind and process.

I am giving thanks (even though in Australia we don't quite get it) to everyone who has posted in this thread so far.

Have a great day or night wherever you may be.

Cheers,

Steve.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

[MENTION=22203]Stevo[/MENTION], I'm so relieved that you and Toshi are safe and sound.
For me, Thanksgiving is about a relatively new tradition (last generation or two) of being with family and being thankful. Unfotunately, the history is pretty sordid that I don't even want to get into, tonight.

I had a lovely time with my parents. I'm still lying to them. But I'm going to be honest here. Partly because I heard it over, and over and over again in treatment. We lie to those who... what? Need lying to? I'm not going to burden my parents with my addiction. They can't fix it. And I blamed them for waaaay toooo long. Genetics are genetics. I don't want to get too deep, but the last treatment center I went to help me get centered about my parents. And it's helping our relationship.

Forgive the digression, but apparently my dad wants to talk to me about his previously estranged Cousin J, who got a DUI a couple of years ago and he asked me for advice for her back then (GET A GOOD LAWYER!). Apparently it's established a relationship but she's drinking whenever they talk. (Surprise!) Everyone, I mean everyone, in my dad's family has the disease. His other Cousin J2 is a Tibetan buddhist married to a gay man, and I've only met her twice but I love her and cant wait to meet her again. To my dad, "The only reason someone goes halfway around the world is to escape."

I went to Taiwan. But sadly, didn't indoctrinate something other than the alcoholism that, because I was a foreign woman, I could participate in freely.

Gotta go. I'm out of steam and still have BaclfoenMan, the one in the red cape, to respond to.

So, so, so glad you're safe. xo

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

Hello, I thought of you today. No, not in that way :heartbeat: but cos of the shooting in your state I heard about on my wireless this morning. World is a bonkers place babe, I hope you and yours are all safe.

Thank you. We're not safe. I live in one of the largest military areas in the country. (Virginia Beach, Norfolk, Hampton, Portsmouth, Virginia). But those people learn how to use guns. There's a difference, for me, between those who are trained and those who can walk into a Walmart and buy one and kill their coworkers. I don't like either option.

I'm not frightened on the regular, but people in my state openly carry military grade weapons on their belt holsters when they go to brunch or the grocery store. And trust me, I would not be making US Americans look worse than the world sees us if it wasn't a reality. My neighborhood is the epitome of quiet, under-the-radar, and with good police participation; and everyone I know owns a gun. Many of them because they're active duty or retired. But still... SO MANY GUNS.
For the record, we're going to be okay. We don't have a gun, all I care about is the dog and my husband, and we're outta hereshould anything go down. I make light of it, but it's true. And all good things forbid we're in the wrong place and the wrong time. Because people get shot dead. It's unreal.

Except, now that I had a bathroom break, I don't suppose it is. Politics and violence the world over. Reminds me of the Sinead O'Connor song about the three black boys on mopeds. And...now...I'm off on another tangent that includes Sinead O'Connor so I have to go.

Not for long, well like you I became content, actually complacent that I had kicked the booze for good after 2 and a half years AF so a combination of arrogance and house move (to another GP) I came off of Baclofen from 160mg daily which is probably one of the worst decisions I have ever made. I was ok for a few months, although (and this is no excuse) my wife kept buying me Becks Blue, alcohol free which she thought might make me feel a bit more normal in company. I participated in this which to be honest was fucking madness as far more people used to congratulate me when they knew "I don't drink" than gave a toss that I drank an AF beer. One think led to another and then at a family wedding a cold bottle of Peroni gave me a Courtney Cox 'esk come on and the rest is history.

How fucking disappointing is that! My current GP have refused to reissue my prescription being more concerned with her pension than the welfare of her patient who has PROVED the efficiency with his previous GP - Cunt! I worry that by buying online again I may get caught running out due to supply problems, and have to drop from 150mg to zero overnight.

This is what's important. I'll indulge in Sinead in a minute. But it's not just the complacency that's the issue(s), is it? There are so many factors. These are the things I'm struggling with and need help with.

Indifference is unbelievable.
Indifference is inexplicable.
Baclofen is really hard to take. And to take.
Sobriety often sucks.
Sobriety is often too fun, and then...what?
Nobody believes in baclofen. So why do we???

Goddess only knows how I've missed your voice, Bacman. I'm going to wallow in some Sinead and feel sorry for the state of the world. Or start cleaning out the attic. It's only 20 minutes past my bedtime.

Kidding, I'm going to bed. This woman loves sleep and baclofen does not. So unless I'm lucky, I'll be back in a few hours.

PS. The Piana and the cats and the hot tub. I'd be hard pressed, but I think my list would go; 1. hot tub 2. dog 3. piano.

xxoo :hug:

Not editing. Fuck you if you judge.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

[MENTION=22732]Baclofenman[/MENTION], I for got to say I’m sorry, I know we’d all rather be back here for different reasons. Thanks for coming back to share in the experience. Xo

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

Egad. It's been more than 24 hours and I haven't had a response. I'll try not to be offended. Actually, I'm not. At all. There aren't any easy answers and we're (well, you're) busy. But I'm not.

When I first started here, there would be days and days without participation on the meds forums. I didn't get it. Dr. Ameisen's book, and the research that backed it up, seemed so convincing. But I had never participated online before, and it scared the hell out of me. Especially when people reached out. I'd had enough of cult-ish behavior in the rooms, and in other religious areas.

I joined a couple of groups here, but because I was still drinking and literally couldn't stop, I wasn't really feeling warm and fuzzy. I get that.

I've mentioned several times that I love being in the rooms, they're my people. But the stuff I've been instructed to do? The things that will apparently, miraculously, keep me sober? I don't know, y'all. They don't work for me. I'm going to keep trying.

I lost the plot with taking baclofen regularly, so back to 40mg tomorrow. I know. Those of you that know me want to take me by the shoulders and shake me. Those of you that don't are wondering why it matters. It matters because it's got to work for the long haul. And that means that even though my impulsive self wants to take gobs of the cure, there is no cure and it's a slow and steady marathon to outwit alcoholism. TTGDP regularly. (Take the God Damn Pills, or if you're offended, just TTP, regularly.)

Today I did nothing. Not proud of it. Rainy Sunday, and ugh. But I Want to keep track of it. I'm obsessed with the online poker game WSO poker. I don't want to put the app name here, because gods forbid anyone else find the obsession with it that I have. And here's the funny thing. I suck at poker and I don't gamble, but it is, for sure, A Way Out of the mind. And it's much easier than all the productive ones. (FTR, it's a free, ad-filled, completely addictive game.)
My username used to be NE1 on there, but then I figured some of y'all from back in the day would find me there, too. Every time I see a Terry, I want to shout out. Haven't seen a Serenity. However, for those of you in the know, Mo Rocca actually plays. He hasn't confirmed his identity with me, there's really no way to do that. But I've been trying to get on Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me for decades... I WILL ask him when I finally get chosen. My username at the moment is BlindSquirrel, which I think is very clever. I have no idea how I got on this tangent. Or why.
@Baclofenman, if you want baclofen, we'll get you some. Without reservation or hesitation. Money, on my end, is an issue. And I suppose things aren't so good in the UK, but without being too American, I can't keep up between your politics/economics and ours. But if you're serious, we'll work that out through PMs.

So peace out peeps. Oh, wait! I'm getting a new, used computer this week from my mom. I hope. And it would be so much better than this one, which is cumbersome and still has all kinds of shit pop up from a thousand years ago.

BUT, AND THIS IS IMPORTANT, WHICH IS WHY I'M SHOUTING. Everytime I log on here, I get a google warning that the site isn't secure and even now, it has an alert at the top of my screen that MWO isn't secure. So what's up with that? And who do I contact??? No wonder the readership has declined so much. I had to basically promise my first born cat to get into MWO via google. And safari, too.

Help with that?

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

Ha. Another 24. As if I need an audience.

I'm in slooooow drag down mode. Only it isn't as slow as it used to be. And I've gotta admit, I'm a little scared. My body and health are in pretty good shape, but I screwed up all the meds when I went to Maryland and ugh. I mean, I don't know what I expect at this early stage. From antidepressants or baclofen. But I don't even know where the hell they are because I'm just that kerfuffled. Stopped wearing my watch today because it just kept annoying me, reminding me to stand, exercise, take my meds, be an adult and I just wasn't adulting today.

Writing on another thread helped. And I did reach out to my "sponsor" and some other sober from treatment friends. I'm not in SOS yet, and it helps that Husband will be home on Wednesday and Thursday.

And come to think of it, I did set up a bunch of stuff for tomorrow that should be productive and is important. So even though I haven't changed out my pajamas today, (let's call it loungewear), I actually have to take a shower and leave the house tomorrow. For a little while at least.

xo friends.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

I had to delete and repost this to make edits so it was coherent.

Getting sober, man... it's hard.

It was hard in the best treatment center I've been to or heard about. I got lucky with the people who were there, the people who took care of me. The beauty of going to treatment is that stress, if you're in a perfect environment, doesn't exist.

But, more likely, you're in a hellhole and it just exacerbates the whole problem. The only place I've been that didn't make matters worse was the last one. Which is probably why I'm still here, looking for solutions. Because guess what? It didn't work. The last was a gift. Hell, if I could bring my dog, I'd move back in. (Not really, but I do miss the blue couch and the new therapist with the wonderful British accent. And believe it or not, the food was fucking amazing.)

Anyway. Emotions. I don't even have anything to be particularly emotional about. But the music is singing to me, personally, and I'm not even particularly drunk.

So I'm drowning in some music. Which is a gift given to me by baclofen and nothing else, except being exceptionally drunk. What a weird experience. Two things about baclofen, and related to getting sober, but specifically about baclofen, for me. I can listen to music and feel it like I haven't since I was a teenager. And I love brushing my teeth. lol

Does that sound insane? Or like I'm tripping. I worry, now, that I'm not surrounded by people going through the same experience. I suppose anyone that comes along will have to trust me that I haven't been certifiably diagnosed as having lost my rocker. Not to quantify. I'm not doing that. We all have our own brain chemistry. Mine tends to be normal and still totally fuck me up. ha

I figure it's going to take me 3 months of this round of baclofen treatment to get contentedly sober. (Four months the first time, but I didn't know what the hell I was doing.) So I'm going to try really, really hard to not fuck it up and prolong the agony of drinking against my will. Because 3 months is a long fucking time. But it's better than a lifetime of struggling.

ETA: It took about a year for me to get contentedly sober/indifferent/switched/whatever in 2010/11 with baclofen, from when I first ordered it in 2009.

[Mulburry]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

And I love brushing my teeth. lol

A medication that makes you love brushing your teeth? Bac must really be miracle drug! LOL.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

[MENTION=3640]Mulberry[/MENTION], I actually think brushing my teeth is a side effect of new sobriety. After thinking about it, I realized that I did it a lot when I was in treatment, too. I swear, my mouth and breath were just...yuck. I wonder if it's all that stuff oozing out of all those pores. ugh.
[MENTION=22732]Baclofenman[/MENTION], I found a word document I wrote to you and didn't post. Then realized I had responded to you and hadn't heard back.
I don't want to spill my guts. And my posts were kinda just off. You have no idea how much of my heart you hold.

Even I couldn't read my last post. But the bottom line is that emotions are high, and they aren't comfortable.

Especially after reading, for the first time in years, my previous posts and my thread. Took me forever to find the damn thing, too.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

So I can find it again without searching and so if anyone else cares. My first post make me rethink my whole approach.

https://www.mywayout.org/community/medication-research-and-support/42777-progress-thread-ne-94.html?highlight=progress+thread

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

Instacart is the best/worst thing for alcoholics, ever. I thought New Orleans was bad back in the day, because you could get booze anytime, almost anywhere. Like gambling used to be in Nevada.

And I ordered more wine today. It's literally cheaper than going the half mile to my grocery store and it's delivered to my door. To make it even more cost efficient, I buy in bulk. Today I just ordered 6 bottles. That's three more days of drinking. Which is dreadful.

I took a nap today and woke up at 5:30pm, slept so hard that I thought it was my normal morning wake up, which is very early since I started posting here, actually. I would wake up, and immediately want to see what had happened overnight. It was 13-ish years ago, so I'd have to get up and get on my laptop. Hell, it might even have been a desktop back then.

Anyway, I was so excited/anxious to see how people were doing, if there'd been a response to something I'd written, coupled with baclofen insomnia, I couldn't sleep.

I was SO disappointed when I woke up this evening and discovered it wasn't time to start a new day, get some coffee and take the pills and hope for better.

OMG. Just answered my dad's phone call because after my endless nap I thought I'd sound okay and it was so obvious that I was drinking. I was slurring and whinging and he said, "okay, babe. Sounds like you're drinking again and we'll talk soon. love you."

Is there anything worse?

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

So after I got off the phone with my dad, I texted both my parents, "sorry"

And my dad, who doesn't really text and very rarely swears, texted, "FUCK!!!!!" and let me tell you, the exclamation points are worse than the profanity.
fuck.

[guardian]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

I'm sorry Ne. I don't have a great connection with my dad, much of which is due to his own challenges. But, now that I've spent enough time just being angry with him, god, I know how horrible that must have felt. I'm sorry. Like you, I attend AA. I don't get as wrapped up in the way that we create the separation between the alcoholic/non-alcoholic. I think that everyone on earth deals with mental and "spiritual" challenges. But it's true that a non-alcoholic will probably always have a hard time understanding the craving, progression, and relapse that we struggle with. It's okay to be angry with him for that reaction too. He's your dad. His feelings may be real, but he needs to do better than that. You're working on this. Please forgive yourself and keep at it. "Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here."

[_serenity_]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

I'm so sorry Ne. That is the worst feeling in the world. I can't imagine. :hug:

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out…

Thank you, both. Yeah, it’s brutal to lie and get caught in the lie and keep lying. my parents have been incredibly, unbelievably supportive this go ‘round. Like I wish I could gift their understanding and willingness to help to everyone. (And my younger self!!!)

Something happened when I was in treatment at Ashley in Maryland and worked with this incredible therapist doing “schema” therapy. Basically, it’s family of origin stuff, but in decades of off and on therapy, I’ve never made a breakthrough like with schema therapy. And for the first time, I don’t really feel angry with, or blame, my parents anymore. I don’t know what happened, but the decades-long underlying resentment is just…gone. Whew! What a relief that’s been. Not that everything’s perfectly copacetic, but I’m very lucky.

That’s not to say I am not feeling shame and anger at myself. Your words, Ian, [MENTION=9868]guardian[/MENTION] were very centering and a relief. Thank you. Where is the quote from?

1817136[/URL]]. "Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here."