Hi! Im here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of this

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of

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I don’t know why I couldn’t get the first ones straight. But the writing matters, at least to me.

ftr, for the initiated, that pointy thing is her pony tail. I think. ha

I hate that I can’t copy and paste her images anymore (those were photos I took from her book, which I bought, which I never do… too many books… and y3s I know it’s from like 1890. But still relevant to my life and that rainbow makes me smile.) But I’m really glad she’s protecting her stuff now. She was one of the most popular bloggers, and then lost it, a bit, and people were selling her images everywhere…. anyway.
maybe life isn’t hopeless bullshit.

[guardian]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

[MENTION=22203]Stevo[/MENTION]

You state that you had a traumatic childhood, have an understanding of CPTSD, and that you've made efforts to heal from it with little success using therapies that have been suggested by other member(s). Why not add your own unique and valuable perspective? You're right: it's complex - literally by definition. People are also incredibly complex right out of the box. One person can have a war-zone for a childhood and grow to be relatively well-adjusted, while another may require significant help later in life if even one of their parents is emotionally unavailable. As I'm sure you're aware, Walker has an entire chapter in his book titled "What if I was never hit?"

The platitudinal approach is what I see on Facebook and Instagram. It's a coopting of CPTSD for the purposes of applying it to, from what I can tell, people who have had bad romantic relationships. The irony there of course is that their abusers were more likely the ones who suffered from CPTSD to an extent.

Alcoholism, like CPTSD is incredibly complex. I used to believe that I was a gene-deep, born alcoholic and that was the sole explanation for my troubles. From the first drink, I was never able to moderate to any degree. I may not have been completely wrong, but I now believe that there is absolutely a psychological aspect to my compulsions, and CPTSD helps me to understand.

I have not read in detail everything posted in this thread, including things I myself have posted. But, if you're referencing statements that I made or @dragonbytthesea made, I don't think that your characterization is fair. At worst, it seems like you are trying to sow discord and that you are in fact the "instigator."

I'm not saying that's what you were trying to do, but that's the way it seems. I feel frustrated because, I had to live my childhood and adolescence, I read the damn books, and I talk to a therapist about this shit every week, but I haven't had too many opportunities to hear too may survivors talk about their experiences through the lens of CPTSD and what has worked for them.

There were less than a handful of alcoholics that frequented this sub forum and now there is one less because disagreement couldn't be handled in a healthy way.

I've read your story, at least the parts about the challenges that you've need to overcome in the relatively recent past. And you're drinking 5 beers a day, while often tipping the last down the sink. You may feel like that's too much, but 5 years ago when I was drinking 2 pints of 80-proof in a couple hours, your story would have seemed like heaven to me.

My point is - please keep posting. And if you feel uncomfortable with something someone here has said or you disagree, add your perspective. Deal with it directly.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

Hmmmm. I think if anyone is to blame for a lack of ability to manage...uncomfortable posts generated in this thread and yours, it's me. I was quite put off, frankly. And don't know that I know how to handle it any better than I did. Other than to just accept. ignore, and move on. Which I've learned (after almost 40,000 posts, despite what my little legend says) is the way to handle most things online. Despite that I still find it really hard not to post stupid shit on NextDoor, especially calling people out for leaving their gd guns in their cars, who then complain when its stolen. I mean, who does that??? I love where I live in so many ways, but abhor it for so many reasons. anyway. Much beside the point, I know. Except that honestly, if there's a more ridiculous platform to argue/dissent or try to discuss something, I don't know what it is. And I wish [MENTION=24764]DragonbytheSea[/MENTION] would come back because she shared some real golden nuggets. Like about the fact that in years of therapy, she picked up things here and there to make a whole, or fill in the holes. I've had the same experience. Therapy has come a long way, but I personally think CBT is mostly bull shit, and the steps have more validity, but maybe that's because I'm bitter. Probably. Meditation--creating those pathways, or holding onto them, makes a lot more sense to me. It's just harder, much harder, to do.

And I just want to be clear about something. My dad hit me, and hid it from the world, when I was a teenager. He stopped when I was 18. My mom happened to see my dad slap me. We were in family therapy at the time. She insisted that I tell the shrink. So I did, and he picked up the phone to call the police, much to everyone's alarm. And then realized that I was 18, so got off the phone and said that if my dad ever hit me again, I needed to have him arrested. Period. No therapeutic bull shit. Abuse is abuse is abuse. BUT. it's not. It messed me up, for sure. And the things he said and did to me ruined my ability to have healthy relationships with men. Well, him and booze. But anyone who thinks it's all the same, hasn't been through or listened to the people who have been through serious neglect/abuse.

On a completely different note...
I find that if I actually take my medications, despite the brutal baclofen hangover, I feel MUCH better about life, and am way more productive. Given my unwillingness to take baclofen 4 times a day, I'm just taking all 80mg in one go, and that's going to have to work for the time being. But I got quite a bit done today, without dreading every minute of it, without even dreading it before I actually did it.

@Stevo
My point is - please keep posting. And if you feel uncomfortable with something someone here has said or you disagree, add your perspective. Deal with it directly.

I agree.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

1819819[/URL]]

Walker has an entire chapter in his book titled "What if I was never hit?.

I got cut off earlier, because I’m trying to adult and make dinner and participate in 3d life. Which is probably a good thing. The stopping writing before I wrote another novel.

so I can’t call anyone out, but if someone has a reaction, especially a negative one, to something written, in this personal space we’re sharing in, it’s usually because of something deeply personal. With the exception of the trolls. Who, thanks to good management, don’t exist on here anymore.

About that quote… I haven’t read the book. But that’s kind of like asking, “why me???”

Which, imho, is the most futile question ever. And I don’t like most religious answers, or the ones I’ve come up with on my own.

I like two answers that I’ve heard. One in the rooms from the most well adjusted people. “It doesn’t matter but you can share your experience and help others.”

The other is found in Buddhism and eastern philosophy in general. “Shit happens.” I’m paraphrasing.

[Mulburry]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

But anyone who thinks it's all the same, hasn't been through or listened to the people who have been through serious neglect/abuse.

Definitely it's not all the same, but that shouldn't minimize what you (or me, or anyone else) has gone through (regardless of what it was). Also, as [MENTION=9868]guardian[/MENTION] pointed out, people are very complex and react differently to situations, so what might seem like a minor issue to one person could be very traumatic to another.

[guardian]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

About that quote… I haven’t read the book. But that’s kind of like asking, “why me???”

It isn't futile if it helps you get better. If recovery from past physical [U]and emotional[U] abuse is likened to grieving, than sorrow for one's self is part of the process. Neither AA or Buddhism allow for that and that's why they can't help.

But that isn't the point of the chapter. Abuse doesn't need to be physical in order to be extremely harmful. Emotional abuse and neglect that is chronic and pervasive is equally if not more damaging. Toxic shame is a feature of CPTSD and the chapter helps people that may not have had it as bad as others acknowledge that they shouldn't feel self-loathing because of it. AA makes it worse.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

@Mulburry, I agree. But, to be blunt, I can’t liken my experience to others when I know I’m fortunate. And if anything, it’s the blame/shame game I’ve learned that’s messed me up more than anything.
@guardian, thanks for explaining the chapter and sorry for making assumptions. I’d read it, but frankly, I think it would do more harm than good at this point. Sounds a lot like denial, I know, but the truth (as I know it right now) is that I was incredibly fortunate, still am. There was a blip, and it altered my life negatively.

here’s my story: I discovered booze and boys when my parents were really wrapped up in their own pursuits for fulfillment. If there’s anything more brutal than teenage girls, it’s teenage boys. Distler boys, thank you and your friends. Hope you come back as cockroaches. My dad just reinforced all that negative stigma when he realized things were out of control. Did he handle it well? Fuck no. But I went from angelic to wtf-is-happening in a year when I was 13/14.

I think the thing that really rocked my world when I talked to counselor Kevin and did “lifetrap” therapy at my last treatment center is that it was all relative. Their (my parent’s) experience and mine. And you know what? That therapy is based on a little known book published more than a decade ago, and after one two hour lecture, by just another counselor, I was a basket case. It just…made sense the way nothing ever has. Or perhaps it was a culmination, and a work in progress, of all the golden nuggets I’ve picked up on the therapy-highway. But I could feel my soul vibrating. I figure anyone who has been in enough of the rooms has had that experience. When something reverberates in a visceral way…

But you’re so right, that AA is damaging in so many ways. I’d forgotten about that. I remember working on my 4th step when I was in my 20s and wondering how anyone lived with themselves if they didn’t finish the program, stay sober and save all the souls. funny, but not, because that imprint lasted another 25 years. Ameisen’s book changed everything for me.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

1819917[/URL]]…it was all relative. Their (my parent’s) experience and mine.

To be clear, the book, the therapy and my experiences related to those things have nothing to do with PTSD.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

I decided to post when I'm not in the bag. Imagine that.

So the baclofen (80mg, still) is pretty magical now that I'm taking it consistently. I'm only taking bac, my cholesterol med, and some innocuous supplements. (Bs, C, lots of D) I've got energy! Everything doesn't feel hopeless! I'm actually doing the things I think about doing. For like 3 days straight. But damn, I'm amazed what I have gotten done. And it's making me a little bit optimistic. Baby steps.

Especially since I'm still drinking. The downside of bac at the moment is insomnia. Up until 2 or 3am. My husband gets up at 3am for work these days, and I wake up naturally very early. So no sleep. And I'm getting sick, with a cold or something, probably because of it. (Not covid. Sore throat, nasal issues. I've had covid, and I'm fully vaccinated and boosted.) (Now that I think about it, it better not be covid, dammit. I have actually been leaving the house and going to public spaces. lol)

The very serious downside is that I'm seeing symptoms that are kinda dangerous. I'm not even being overly dramatic, this time around. Both my liver and kidneys are communicating their displeasure. I don't even want to write down the symptoms. Suffice it to say, I need to quit drinking before I end up in the hospital. And not because I care so much about my physical health, but because then everyone will know I've been lying to them for months. Which would destroy them, and me. The lies are so much worse than the drinking.

In a very random way, I got hooked up with the alumni options from the treatment center I was last at. I'll start that tomorrow. Still waiting to hear about the PHP at the psych unit. I dread hearing a confirmation that I'm in, with a firm date, but I'm also desperately hopeful that it will happen soon. Of course, I don't expect it to do anything other than give me 2-3 weeks of living at home, but leaving the house daily, hopefully after taking a shower and at least putting on some mascara, and something other than "loungewear". (Yes, I know I sound pathetic. Something I never thought I'd share here or anywhere. But let's not pretend that at least for some us, it gets this bad.)

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

Baclofen insomnia. Ugh. But. It reminds me that back in the day I made a friend in Myanmar, of all places. And also, a friend in Japan, an expat who was there when the tsunami happened. That person sent me a chip I still have today. Back then, not when I joined, but shortly thereafter, there was almost always someone here so we could reach out.

More importantly, some of the people I've met on here are actual friends. Who know me better than anyone. And based on the threads I've read since I got back, that's true for other people, too.
How profound is that?

So I am planning a vacation, which is a gift I'm full of gratitude about, and got on Reddit to look up info about the location. The first thread on the subreddit was, "Any readers out there...?" [MENTION=11089]techie[/MENTION], [MENTION=3640]Mulberry[/MENTION], [MENTION=8529]mollyka[/MENTION]. Given our recent discussions on here, I'm feeling a little bit like it's...mystical, magical, a sign from the universe. I know it seems like it should be a mundane thing, but it's not, not in my world. Not the vacation, not the ability to actually GO on vacation, or the location, which was suggested by a friend from MWO, or the first post on Reddit or the messages we've exchanged since then. And that was only a few hours ago.

120mg today. I want to take more and just get this done. Because none of it means anything if I'm still drunk. right?

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

Note to self: Don't take more baclofen then you're supposed to, dumby. I feel terrible today. A 40mg jump is just ridiculous.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

The silence reverberates. Honestly, it's terrifying.

I can start the PHP on Monday if do the intake tomorrow morning.

Monday-Friday, 9am to 3pm. Total abstinence. Which is more terrifying than the silence in the meds threads. But not by much.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

aaaargh. Insomnia, and also needing to be with people.

When did I start being so needy?

[Mulburry]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

I can start the PHP on Monday if do the intake tomorrow morning.

Monday-Friday, 9am to 3pm. Total abstinence. Which is more terrifying than the silence in the meds threads. But not by much.

Good luck!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

I posted on February 8th about how everything was going swimmingly. And it was! That was only 5 days ago but it feels like a month.

Then on February 9th, I decided to increase my baclofen intake by 50%.

I was literally up all night. Drank the whole time. Haven't been productive since then. But worse than that, I feel terrible. Physically, mentally, emotionally.

I feel like I fucked up so royally, it'll never be okay again. Again.

Dear Ne, please don't do that again. Love, Ne