Hi! Im here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of this

[guardian]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

I've read back a few pages now, and was very encouraged to see cptsd referenced. Dragonbytgesea mentioned Pete Walker's book, Surviving to Thriving - I have that one, but it's been some time since I've read it. When I did, I skipped around a lot and mostly focused on my "type" (fight/freeze; although I do a lot of fawning as well). My reading comprehension is atrocious due to running thoughts. It's terrible having the inability to control thought, especially given that when I need to read it's because I'm dealing with some seriously nasty stuff as I am now. Which, of course, opens the flood gates of thought. At least with a few years of a somewhat disciplined meditation practice I'm aware of them. But, it's just a pile of sticks with what I've going on. I'm listening to The Tao of Fully Feeling for the second time and would have a hard time writing a one-paragraph summary.

[Stevo]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

Hi [MENTION=12976]Ne/Neva Eva[/MENTION],

I sent you a PM the other night, I am curious whether you received it? It is not appearing in my sent box.

I hope everyone is well.

Cheers,

Steve.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

I don't really know where to start, so I'll start at the first post.
[MENTION=22203]Stevo[/MENTION], I didn't see your message, but I've responded. I hope you're well.

At all of you who weren't with your kids for the holidays, I'm so sorry. I don't have children, but I know how much it meant for my parents to have me (just me, it was a quiet christmas, for many reasons--SW airlines, dammit. But it was all good. Surprisingly! Even when not completely abstinent, life gets better. I think or hope...)
[MENTION=24764]DragonbytheSea[/MENTION] There's a lot of good research about psilocybin and addiction/depression/trauma coming out of JHU. I have some funny (to me) stories about trying to get 'shrooms. I'm in a state where recreational use of MJ is legal, and so there are pop-ups of places to get other things as well... What convinced me that I needed to go to treatment is that I was trying to get mushrooms via instagram and was appalled by the supplier. Not going to do that again, though it is funny if you're one of us...

Anyway, I don't really want to talk about all of that specifically. Remember the troll? He gave us a bad name and also spouted off a bunch of bs so I'll stick to baclofen and sobriety.

I've, as usual, been pretty wonky with my medications. Sadly, it isn't just baclofen... 14 years after I joined here, I have to say it includes cholesterol meds and other old-people things.

I'm off to a new start, not as a New Years Resolution (because fuck those). I started last week, which makes me brilliant to get ahead of the game.
[MENTION=9868]guardian[/MENTION] reading is my thing. My attention wandering is also a thing. Though I'm usually hyper-focused when I read or write. So I suspect that we're on opposite ends of some sort of spectrum for that. But ffs, don't hesitate to write. Your posts move me. They always have. I don't want that to be intimidating! Just.... please. Be you. Here.

Here's to a contented and healthy new year, y'all. Much love.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

S
OK. It's not that hard, or maybe it's impossible. ....

It was a job at Kmart, but that did not matter, only the feeling mattered. The feeling of "I have got this. I am going to be OK."

As I typed that paragraph, the feeling washed over me. That is a lot of juice to squeeze from a crappy job at an almost dead Kmart.

...That drink getting warm. It was a friggin' miracle. It was amazing. I was floored.

... talking about feels.

Talking about the feels is what makes it real. Thank you. My husband and I reminisced this evening about having beer in the garage refrigerator (yes, dammit, I live in the suburbs of the US and have a spare refrigerator. ha.) and not wanting a drink. NOT WANTING A DRINK. of alcohol, obviously.

I chattered on about neurotransmitters and reframing the scenarios...blah, blah, blah. But thank you. It made a difference for both of us to think about it that way.

You'll get back there Ne. I don't even know whether I'm indifferent anymore at the dose I take, but my 4 year old son, who I see once a week (court ordered) called me another man's name nearly every time he addressed me tonight. I still love his mother. He is my joy. Again, I'm not sure that the baclofen is doing much anymore, but it helped me to 4 years of almost complete abstinence. The 2 times that I did drink were well-under control. I want to drink until I black out right now from the pain of the day. But the obsession is gone. I don't remember the sensation. It's weird. I grew up a lot having to deal with shit like this without being fucked up.

I alluded to this in my first post, but I just want to say that I'm so sorry. And thanks for the props.

Does it matter if you're indifferent if you make the decision not to drink? That's something I struggled with for years. And for me, now I know for sure, that indifference is lovely but abstinence is...

Well, for me it's freedom. I could go deep here, but this is long enough. Let's just leave it at I'm buying my friends for a dollar and I haven't really made any yet. Is alcoholism going to define the rest of my life? It's already defined me, so I'm pretty sure I'm in for the long haul. Indifference, abstinence, whatever. My slavery to addiction ends this year.

[DragonbytheSea]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

"Surviving to Thriving" was amazing. I felt seen in a way that had never happened before. It was a dark time, and at the worst, the only thought that brought me any relief was suicide. And then I found Pete Walker.

It was actually hard (on the heart) to read, and I took it in little bits. I fawn up a storm.

I'm with you on reading comprehension too anymore, but I'm sure weed does not help. I have "The Tao of Full Feeling" on audio but have not started it yet. My mind really wanders but, again, I am my worst enemy in that. I really love van der Kolk (The Body Keeps the Score) too. And now a friend is being all excited by "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts" by Gabor Mate, and I already had "The Myth of Normal" on my list.

Jeez! How did I come to be that I love going to bed early, I dread shopping, I hate loud music and I bury myself in homework?

My younger self would be sad, LOL.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

I wonder if a guided meditation needs to be any deeper than something that resonates from the Heart Wisdom Podcast by Jack Kornfield. Or, and I've decided as of tomorrow (ha! So thanks for the reminder!) I'll start my day with Sylvia Boornstein's Loving Kindness Meditation.

A Lovingkindness Meditation | The On Being Project
[MENTION=24764]DragonbytheSea[/MENTION], your post about getting a job is visceral for me. I'm terrified about going back to work. And I'd give almost anything to get a job.

I have very mixed feelings about Gabor Mate. He has done amazing work. His books are an easy, though emotionally difficult, read. But it always comes back to The Mom. And I think I react to the trope that if your mom isn't perfect, you're fucked. Or if you come from a "broken home" you're screwed. We know that those things aren't true. Socio-economic issues, mental health (much of which is genetic and he addresses) and education have much more impact on wellness.

Don't get me wrong, I'm talking about the middle of the bell curve. And it sounds like, based on previous posts, theres much more going on... And that's where Mate gets it right. Because trauma is a whole different conversation. And that's where he's focused.

So... Looking forward to starting my day with Sylvia Boornstein tomorrow. And then I have my first physical in 3 years, which is going to be abysmal. So much so that I'd rather cancel, but I want a baseline (hopefully without a lecture). And then afternoon fun with alternative medications, and maybe some Jack Kornfield. We'll see how deep we want to go.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

Jeez! How did I come to be that I love going to bed early, I dread shopping, I hate loud music and I bury myself in homework?

My younger self would be sad, LOL.

Oh, to be young, thin and delusional again.
I wish I had been one of those nerds who had to do their homework, practice their instrument, and had a crowd of people I looked down on back then.

Now I'm trying to be old, thin-ish and realistic. I want things that challenge my brain, I'm relearning the piano, and I'm paying a dollar for a crowd of people to be my friends. Better than buying or giving them drinks. lol

[DragonbytheSea]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of

But it always comes back to The Mom.

It comes back to bonding, so back to Mom by default in most cases. Complex trauma is developmental, so it becomes part of us and results in a neuro-typical kinda person. Most times, it develops in infancy or early childhood, but slaves and POWs also develop it. "Trapped and alone" are the conditions for making CPTSD.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

I'm sorry it's been so long since I've posted, mostly because logging in here and actually posting is a way of participating in my own recovery.
[MENTION=24764]DragonbytheSea[/MENTION], I think that Dr. Mate's philosophy is simplistic. But he writes pretty well and the stories are compelling, and ffs, he's doing god's work, helping the most beleaguered and belligerent. The saddest, the most desperate, the people who deserve both the worst and best from others. He treated the people who scare us and are us.

Back to me. And [MENTION=9868]guardian[/MENTION], perhaps. I am wondering more about the guided trip thing. I made some suggestions, but not based on my own experience or the advice of someone who has done it. (The guided part.) So.... Knowing that there's no professional who is going to work with someone doing this on their own in anyplace except Oregon, can you explain specifically what that entailed? Please? I'm also curious about the specifics of the experience. Like how much, in what kind of environment... Because what I'm thinking is that perhaps there's an opportunity to hire someone from Oregon to do something virtual. But I wouldn't want to do that blind.

I begrudgingly listened to this podcast today and it rocked me. It's really nice that he's funny.
Jack Kornfield – Heart Wisdom Ep. 171 – A Light in the Dark – Be Here Now Network 223

I had a physical, and my doctor's father has alcoholism and relapsed last summer. I was amazed at how in tune she is with all the latest, and grateful that she understands how appalling treatment options are in our 5-city region in Virginia. It's unreal.

I think I'm going to do some sort of PHP or IOP, if I can find one that's in person. As of now, the only one either of us has heard of us through the psych unit at a hospital. And while I'm not exactly sane, and I'm not passing judgement, I don't have a dual diagnosis that would lead to admission in a psych unit. Depression is debilitating, but it's not why I'd go to treatment. Ya' know? And apparently, I can't even get information about the program (it's new) without going through admission to the psych unit. How messed up is that? (Don't get me wrong. NO JUDGEMENT. But you have to go where you need, and where you feel comfortable. Or at least, I do.)

I'm pretty sure it's just me, in some ways. That said, I started on this forum in 2009. And I'm in daily contact with someone from back then. Never met the person. Doesn't matter. Knows me better than my husband and my best friends (who still aren't speaking to me. sigh). Online forums are life savers. I wish this one was still in that business.

I'm doing all the things, or planning on doing them, except titrating up on baclofen, which I'll be honest, scares the shit out of me. As our friend used to say, I wouldn't wish it on my enemy, but I'd give it to my best friend. Or something like that. I wonder how he's doing? And I'm appalled that I can't remember his username.

[Mulburry]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

But you have to go where you need, and where you feel comfortable. Or at least, I do.

Well said. When I was finally ready to take the leap to do a detox, I looked at the detox facility here and it scarred the crap out of me (do not think I would have felt comfortable in that environment at all). I'm very very glad they had a home detox program here, which was well run, and worked great for me, and I could undergo a very unpleasant experience in an environment I felt most comfortable.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

Eerg. Ugh. Tried to reply with a quote and it’s tough going.

but it was bleep. Bleep69 was his username, I think. Because it made him laugh. The silly fool. [MENTION=14177]bleep69[/MENTION] hope all is well and that you’re still a goofball.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

@Mulburry, I’ve been to a lot of very uncomfortable situations, in a lot of very inhospitable places. I used to think that was what treatment meant, and why it was called rehabilitation… as though I needed to suffer more or something.

Sadly, the only thing worse that I can think of than being treated for alcoholism is being treated for a serious mental illness. The conditions are usually abysmal. But here’s the thing… I know how difficult I am, or the people I’ve known closely are, when going through treatment for alcoholism. Especially initially. And I’m way past AA101, or dealing with people who are still struggling to come to grips with any kind of treatment.

so yeah, I’m a little resentful that I’d have to sit in the waiting room of the local psych unit just to get a referral from the burnt out MD to get into a treatment program for my advanced alcoholism. And I was referred there, after a physical from my own MD. Grrrr.

guess what? It looks like once again I’ll be doing this on my own with support from places and people that others dismiss. I swore 15 years ago, I’d change things.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out…

Bleep69 became bleep after reaching indifference. Here’s the posts and thread.

https://www.mywayout.org/community/medication-research-and-support/43081-placed-post1051674.html#post1051674

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

Another quick shout out. It was @bleep, after he moved on.

and also, If you’re still reading this troll, C*** M***** I just want you to know that even though I’m back with my tail between my legs, I’m still stronger, smarter and more resilient than you. And we silenced and crushed you.it’s been a decade, but it feels good to finally admit that.

[bleep]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

Hey! Glad to see you, sorry about the circumstances... you've got this.

It's real folks. Been over 10 years since first hearing about baclofen, and several years since drinking was an issue. So long, in fact, that my spellcheck doesn't recognise the word baclofen. I don't drink at all these days, and don't really think about it. I think if I could go back, I wouldn't spend so long trying to get the perfect balance of drinking and baclofen right, when it turns out the perfect mix, for me, is nothing of both. But it took a while to reach that conclusion, and a lot of baclofen, and I am not entirely sure that I would have been able to do this without baclofen, having tried and failed many times. Life is not a garden of roses, but it is a garden of sorts, and I have no complaints that are worth making.

I wish you all similar success.