Hi! Im here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of this

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

Note to self: do not write on social media at 1am while drinking.

and PS. Hiya [MENTION=14387]bleep[/MENTION]. Thanks for stopping by. Xxoo

[DragonbytheSea]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

I have heard good things about this book but have not read it: Amazon.com

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

Thanks, @DragonbytheSea. I’m not sure it’s exactly the thing, but it’s a start in the right direction and I’ll start there. Much appreciate the response.

I’m obviously still struggling with abstinence. As I mentioned, my primary care doctor told me about an in person PHP and an IOP. I didn’t expect to learn anything new, but having accountability and the reassurance of a place to be on a regular basis would be of benefit. Plus, back in the old days, there was no test for alcohol, but there is now, and so I couldn’t just lie my way through it.

I already mentioned about the PHP, which is in a psych unit. Today I got a call back from the ONLY in person IOP within FIFTY MILES and they only take government insurance. (Medicare or Medicaid) which makes them shady as shit. Places like that milk the government and bilk the client. I viscerally dislike them. Almost as much as I viscerally abhor CM. And that’s saying something. lolol.
And also obviously a total bust since we pay exorbitant amounts of money for excellent (ha. hahahahaha) insurance.

I still haven’t heard back from the people at the treatment center I went to about following up with their after-care program, either. So I’m feeling particularly frustrated and hopeless. As if that it’s any different than when I joined here, and the reason I joined here, but that was sooooo long ago. Wtactualf.

it is heartening to here replies, so thank you to those who’ve responded. The meds section was quiet when I joined, as it’s quiet now. There were very few regulars, after the Topamax thing faded. I suppose I’ll keep posting until I get something right or the world falls apart. I’ve gotta have some hope, though, knowing it worked before and worked for several and continues to work…

I wish I had news about titrations up on baclofen, or starting the other meds my PCP provided, but I don’t. pfffft

good thing tomorrow’s another day.

[DragonbytheSea]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

NE, I have been trying all week to make a therapist appointment. My old one is full up, and I literally cannot get an in person appointment at all. I did not know that things had changed so much. I don't know if it was the pandemic or what is going on. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone in trying to find help. There seems to be a genuine shortage of help out there.

I have been inpatient twice for alcoholism. One was actually really helpful. That was the first time I organically just came out of dissociation, but they had no idea I was dissociating to start with. We were literally doing therapy from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m., every kind of therapy, ropes, drama, meditation, group, individual, art, etc. The food was fab. It was 12-step oriented, so there was not a lot helpful for me in staying sober, which was disappointing since it cost $20,000 after insurance, in the 80s. I wish I could take everything I know now and go back and do that. It was actually pretty awesome for alcohol treatment.

The second one was not such sweet accommodations or such quality therapy (mainly "certified addiction counselors," who are trained in AA). I stayed two days and jetted. That never could have helped me because they did not understand what was wrong with me, because I did not understand what was wrong with me. I believed that my problem was alcohol. Actually, I believed that my problem was that I was born a fuck up and alcohol was just one of my many methods of being a fuck up. But alcohol was just my bank shot, trying to deal with trauma.

My psych stay is the most recent and was kind of a sh*t show. There was a list on the fridge of therapies that were supposed to happen throughout the day. That stuff NEVER happened. The only thing that happened was meals and meds. The staff was always short, so we rarely even got to go outside. I was in the quiet wing, but our staff was always being called over to the cray-cray side. Every day was spent sitting in a room with 15 other people, reading, coloring, etc. The men were creepy, and I made the staff stop them from gawking at us while the women did yoga tapes. My female roommate (a very confused, psychopathic little 18 YO from a "Quiverful" family) hit on me. They put me on a med for depression that is not for depression. Everyone there was on that same med, and I about died when I went to fill the prescription after getting out. It cost $1,200 per month after insurance. The good news is that they messed up so badly that I did not have to pay for that $20,000 stay. My insurance company sent me a notice that said they are not going to pay it and that I do not have to pay it. A year or two after my stay, the director of the hospital was fired for accepting kickbacks for that same med: Abilify.

That was an education in how FU our mental health system is. But at least there was help out there! Today, I don't know what is going on.

NE, given I am an anxious person, but I would be afraid to go inpatient right now. Society is broken. Have you considered concentrated one-on-one, like a few times a week or something like that? Or a workshop or retreat that is not "industrial addiction" in nature?

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

Thanks so much for empathizing, DBTS. I’m sorry it’s a struggle for you, too. In response to your question, I’m considering everything. I’m not ready to head to Peru, yet, but that’s on the agenda regardless of my abstinence.

My biggest hurdle is that I’m unemployed and feel unemployable in a subconscious, not-realistic way. And maybe part of that is that everyone I know hates working. haha! But who doesn’t? And without something to give some purpose to my days, I’ve got booze. It fills the void(s).

So my goal is to find something that doesn’t create or add to my biases, and stay at home and get on with life. Even if it means I have to spend 6 hours a day doing AA101, or coloring ffs. (Am I the only person who hates art therapy? I think so.) So I’m off to the psych hospital tomorrow morning to start the admissions process for their PHP, which is 5 days a week, 6 hours a day.

I’ve got Antabuse, gabapentin, naltrexone, baclofen, and anti nausea meds, all prescribed by my primary care physician, whose father is an alcoholic who relapsed last summer after a couple of decades of sobriety. So she knows. And exercise equipment, a place to walk that’s pretty strenuous and a plan. WCGW? lololol

I’ve never been in a hospital psych unit. (I’m TERRIFIED of losing my mind to this disease before my body gives out.) And that’s number two on my places to avoid. The first being any kind of environment I’m not allowed to gtfo if I want, especially one with bars and orange jumpsuits.

But I thought I wanted to work in a psychiatric hospital and was very much looking forward to that rotation when I was in school. But I realized fairly quickly that treatment consists of whatever version of Thorazine there is today, and fucking coloring books…and it’s a revolving door of hopelessness. So to be clear, it’s not that I have an aversion to people with severe mental illness, it’s an aversion to knowing that finding a way out feels almost impossible, especially for the disenfranchised.

That said, the first treatment center I went to last summer, Mirmont in PA, admitted people with dual diagnoses who were not being treated for their mental illnesses. And those people, who needed way more help, undermined any kind of effective treatment there might have been. Plus my counselor was bat shit crazy about her fundamentalist religion, and not an addict and didn’t know jack about addiction. And I can handle WAY more than I used to, but she was literally offended by “curse words”, as though they were actual curses or something. I’m proud of how much more tolerant I am, in many ways. But I still have hard limits, so thank you, but No.

But Mirmont was way better than some of my previous experiences, decades ago. Still, it’s as close as I want to get to confinement. I was on heavy duty detox meds for seven days (way too much, for way too long) and checked out on day 9. One day of total sobriety was enough for me to clue back into reality. lol (There’s more to the story, of course, mostly having to do with insurance. Which should make us all crazy, even if we’re not. Hate those companies sooooo much.)

I think we all have those stories. I can recommend almost without reservation, the second place I went a month later, Ashley in Havre de Grace, MD. It used to be called Father Martin’s… and I grew up near there and always eschewed it because he was a Catholic priest and I was dismissive. But I was wrong. It’s an oasis for many of us, and most of the employees, almost all of them, from the housekeeping staff to the CEOs, are openly in recovery. Not all of them 12 steppers, not all of them religious. But even the doctors and psychologists talk openly about their addictions. Unheard of in the real world. And apparently it pays really well.

It’s not a panacea, because here I am 4 months later still drinking. But it was a huge help in so many ways… way more than I ever expected.

1818625[/URL]]…I believed that my problem was that I was born a fuck up and alcohol was just one of my many methods of being a fuck up. But alcohol was just my bank shot, trying to trauma…

Exactly! At Ashley I finally saw and dealt with some of the things that have made this cycle so impenetrable. I came out of there a different person. I still have alcoholism, but I was able to move through so much…baggage, for lack of a better word and to keep this short-ish.

I still think I was born this way, since alcoholism is on both sides of my family going back several generations, and all of my generation have dealt with it. Every single one of us.

I swear using this platform almost takes me back to the days of tyoewroters and white out. ETA: that was unintentional, it should be typewriters, but it makes my point. lol

[DragonbytheSea]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

My biggest hurdle is that I’m unemployed and feel unemployable in a subconscious, not-realistic way.

I hear that. There is tons of service jobs available, but those really are not great for one's mental health.

Plus my counselor was bat shit crazy about her fundamentalist religion, and not an addict and didn’t know jack about addiction. And I can handle WAY more than I used to, but she was literally offended by “curse words”, as though they were actual curses or something.

OMG, you would not have enjoyed my mother's company. ROTFL.

ItÂ’s not a panacea, because here I am 4 months later still drinking. But it was a huge help in so many waysÂ… way more than I ever expected.

I think sometimes about what an ideal treatment experience would look like. It would look like a luxurious retreat. Or maybe a campground. LOL.

For me, therapy has been like panning for gold. The bits that I found have been stellar, mind-changing, but it required sorting out a lot of dirt.

I swear using this platform almost takes me back to the days of tyoewroters and white out. ETA: that was unintentional, it should be typewriters, but it makes my point. lol

It is laborious to use, for sure. Why does it keep putting weird characters inside quotes? This software is probably closer in years to typewriters than modern-day software, lol.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

1818678[/URL]]
I think sometimes about what an ideal treatment experience would look like. It would look like a luxurious retreat. Or maybe a campground. LOL.
…
For me, therapy has been like panning for gold. The bits that I found have been stellar, mind-changing, but it required sorting out a lot of dirt
.

I have a friend who is traveling and experienced both luxury resort and a hut. That’s what I’m talking about. lol

I lucked out with my roommates and my rooms at Ashley, both of which were lovely. The roommates and the rooms. It’s the only place I’ve ever been that the accommodations for women were as nice, or nicer, than the men’s. And it was a beautiful house… I’m pretty sure it’s because, while Father Martin started it after connecting with the AA founders, a very rich Ashley paid to make it happen after she got sober there. Anyway.

Getting sober/clean is hard enough without the distraction of being profoundly uncomfortable because of external circumstances. People, places and things, man. The “triggers” aren’t just the ones that make me comfortable. They’re also the ones that make me profoundly uncomfortable.

In addition, it turns out I’m allergic to laundry pods. All kinds of laundry pods. The sensitive skin ones gave me all over hives, from feet to throat, sensitive skin areas being the worst. That was my only option at Mirmont. And yes, I know it sounds like I’m being a princess, but you try it, in a rehab where you can’t get Benadryl as though that’s some sort of horrible, life-ending drug. *sigh.

I didn’t go to the psych unit to start the process this morning. No excuses, except I just couldn’t drag myself out and into that situation. But it’s what has to happen, I’m convinced.

DBTS, if your mom isn’t trying to treat my addiction, I’d probably think she was lovely. I’ve got a whole side of my family I consider deranged and delusional, and possibly dangerous in terms of public safety and welfare, (guess who doesn't get immunizations, and who all got very sick?) but they’re really fun and funny. I love spending short amounts of time with them. ha

if I don’t get to the psych unit this weekend, then it’ll have to wait a week, probably, and that’s not good. So here’s hoping I’ve got my best sweats on and am in the waiting room at 8am tomorrow morning. Oh joy.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

I logged on to post just to keep it real, for me, and found out I'm not alone.

I can't go to the newbies nest, because despite what my post history says, I've posted on here tens of thousands of times, and had that many responses. When I felt alone, I knew I wasn't. Especially at my worst, back then. I resent that. I'm not a newbie anywhere, when it comes to alcoholism. And I suppose, if I stick with AA, I'll work on that resentment. But it doesn't really matter.

I don't know if I want a spiritual revolution or just sobriety. Seems to me that there are enough assholes in both groups that whatever I find to get and keep me sober, hopefully abstinent this time, I will be a better person.
Holy shit, this sounds like self-pity. It is? It is. But it's lonely here and nice to see another person start with their thought.

I'm going to take an antabuse in the morning. That's what I came to post. Purely selfishly, I want a start date I can look back on. Even when I fuck up again. I can't wait for the 'magical switch', which isn't magical and it isn't a bandaid. It's real. And it's also not the easy way out.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

... despite what my post history says, I've posted on here tens of thousands of times, and had that many responses. When I felt alone, I knew I wasn't. Especially at my worst, back then. I resent that.

I resent that for all of us in the meds section. When there was a shutdown of this section we lost so much history. If they only knew back then how relevant it would be now.

[guardian]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

I logged on to post just to keep it real, for me, and found out I'm not alone.

I can't go to the newbies nest, because despite what my post history says, I've posted on here tens of thousands of times, and had that many responses. When I felt alone, I knew I wasn't. Especially at my worst, back then. I resent that. I'm not a newbie anywhere, when it comes to alcoholism. And I suppose, if I stick with AA, I'll work on that resentment. But it doesn't really matter.

I don't know if I want a spiritual revolution or just sobriety. Seems to me that there are enough assholes in both groups that whatever I find to get and keep me sober, hopefully abstinent this time, I will be a better person.
Holy shit, this sounds like self-pity. It is? It is. But it's lonely here and nice to see another person start with their thought.

I'm going to take an antabuse in the morning. That's what I came to post. Purely selfishly, I want a start date I can look back on. Even when I fuck up again. I can't wait for the 'magical switch', which isn't magical and it isn't a bandaid. It's real. And it's also not the easy way out.

When I posted in this thread back around Christmas or so about my experience with my son, I had what I would consider to be an awakening of sorts. On that note, I just got in from a meeting, one that I attend every Wednesday, and the topic brought up was "turning points." Of course most people talked about waking up in jail, being told by a doctor their liver was going out, etc. Nothing wrong with that, but it wasn't my experience. I didn't decide to get sober for me. I did it to get my family back. My fist "turning point" that I spoke about was realizing that a year and a half of sobriety wasn't what she wanted. She wanted me to not be an asshole; a resentful, dishonest, manipulative asshole. That's the point at which marriage counseling was canceled and the separation officially turned into divorce proceedings. I got it then; that, although AA might not be the solution for me, those Promises sure sounded good. I also spoke about that Xmas, and that, for the first time in my life, I didn't want to be alone with what I was feeling. It wasn't a mental exercise either, like "you know you need to be around people right now," that sort of thing. I wanted to. I wanted to call my mom and brother. I wanted to just be at a meeting. I wanted to talk to my therapist like fucking yesterday. This forum was here and I was on here reading immediately, being with all of you. But you're right - it's nothing like it was.

Sometimes I do take actual sobriety for granted. I remember the 1st time I hit the "switch" and it didn't feel like hyperbole to call it magical. This last time (the last time) I just had so much going on. My life was truly in shambles. No amount of AA, psychotherapy, etc. was going to make it one bit better. The band-aid had been removed and I had to learn how to hurt again.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

I really like reading and contemplating your thoughts. I'm not going to respond to them now. Life.

Except this: the switch was magical. But it's not magic.

And this: [MENTION=24764]DragonbytheSea[/MENTION], your username is an earworm. I spend half my day trying to get that damn song out of my head.

[DragonbytheSea]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

Purely selfishly, I want a start date I can look back on.

I am right there with you. As much as I adore the stuff, I need to give up MJ. I need a clear mind, at least for a while, LOL. I exchange comfort for clarity, and I just really need clarity. I'm thinking of taking a 30-day break, because quitting is unthinkable. Thirty days does not even sound reasonable to me.

I will take the leap with you, if you want.

And it's also not the easy way out.

If there was one, I would have found it.

[DragonbytheSea]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

But not today. Today is for picking a date.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

1818965[/URL]]But not today. Today is for picking a date.

Lolol

thank you for the support. Tomorrow is not the day either. Because I can’t wait for this effing Antabuse to wear off. But let’s pick a day and try, try again.

i took an Antabuse this morning and I feel like it’s strangling me. It’s only 11am, but I already regret the decision. Wth is wrong with me? I want to be abstinent more than anything. But it suuuuuuuucks and especially since today I don’t even have a choice. I hate this disease.

[4theboyz]

Re: Hi! I’m here again. A small voice still looking for friends on their way out of t

I still come back to send messages of hope to those here still fighting the fight! You know the drill! Be well!