Trying to become Real before I become too loose in the joints and shabby

[guardian]

Re: Trying to become Real before I become too loose in the joints and shabby

I've never experienced any pink cloud in AA, no. I was institutionalized at the age of 13 in a scared straight 12-step camp. I was there for 18 months. 12 of which I spent in complete protest. It was run on a day-to-day basis by graduates. The oldest was maybe 25 and I'm convinced that at least 2 of them were sociopaths. I'll never feel 100% part of anything 12-step. I go there to connect to individuals.

I have had one spiritual experience. It was a lucid dream - the only one I've ever had. Overnight I went from being an atheist, to being open to quite a bit. I'm even slightly superstitious now. But I wouldn't say I'm anything more than an agnostic who is very open to...something.

Shortly following acceptance of my marriage failing, the actual divorce, and perhaps a few other times where the angst and tension had built to a degree to where nearly every moment was quite intolerable, I did experience something akin to freedom, joy, elation. I grieved and I was free. But things aren't that simple when there's a kid involved and you still love his mother, despite her shortcomings and decisions. I understand why some men cut and run. When I'm having a hard time with my thoughts, thinking of just leaving it all behind can feel very appealing. But I know better, and it would follow me. My son exists.

It's why I'm so interested in the expression of feelings and grieving. It's the only solace I've managed to get, ever. That and connection with someone I can be truly vulnerable with and trust completely. I'm down to one of those and I've got to schedule him two weeks in advance.

I haven't actually spoken to anyone today, and no offense, but these forums don't really help much if I haven't had any live human contact. I'm feeling pretty lonely and, well, I'm just not looking forward to the week to be honest. If that is coming through in my postings, that's why.

[DragonbytheSea]

Re: Trying to become Real before I become too loose in the joints and shabby

Ian wrote: I’ve mentioned that I’m familiar with Pete Walker’s work and CPTSD. Can you explain your mantra as it relates to CPTSD? I’m not sure I’m following.

That was not a Walker quote, LOL. But it is in keeping with developing an unflinching kindness and compassion for self, which is Walker all the way.

My mantra is an extreme condensation of this:

The way strangers treat you is solely a reflection of who they are, not you.

Regardless of their appearance, status or resources every person has flaws, weaknesses and insecurities. Do not pedestalize anyone, they are just another human being like you.

Childhood trauma inflicts long-lasting psychological issues and emotional dysregulation, these problems are absolutely not your fault but only you are capable of healing from them. Avoid reacting out of emotion or feelings, give yourself the patience, self-control and grace that people around you never did.

Accept people for what they truly are, not what you wish or want them to be. 58 years ago the United States didn’t even allow other races to share water fountains or bus seats with white people, we are not as far removed from our past as mainstream media has led us to believe. Understand that the majority of people are self-centered narcissistic automatons that are only as “good” as they are forced to be by rule of law. Initially this realization is incredibly isolating, but over time it will help you stop taking things other people say and do so personally.

Rock bottom will teach you lessons that mountain tops never will. Yes, the horrific things you experienced have destroyed you but deep behind that pain and anguish is an unbreakable spirit full of untapped potential and strength that only death itself can ever take from you.

Utilize the internet to learn things you were never taught at your own pace, journal and walk daily as these things have been proven to improve your overall health and require nothing but a little time and courage. Shed the toxic shame and remove the burden of imperfect people’s perception of you, they don’t matter…only you do.

Reddit - Dive into anything

[guardian]

Re: Trying to become Real before I become too loose in the joints and shabby

[MENTION=12976]Ne/Neva Eva[/MENTION] I believe because it was an off-label prescription. I'm probably talking out of my ass. It's been a long time since I followed any of it.
But, for the sake of argument, let's assume that it was HDB. I believe the reason it was canceled, and this part I'm somewhat confident on, was because the treatment group had a doubled mortality rate. Is this really that surprising to anyone who has self-administered HDB? I went up to 340mgs. over the course of 4 months while driving a car several hours a day. But I'm relatively young, extremely fit, abstinent at the time, and I also seem to tolerate it much better than most. Terryk's experiences come to mind. I'd absolutely be interested in getting more into the material, and I will in time. Right now I'm selling a house, planning a move, and I'm an accountant dealing with year end, FML.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Trying to become Real before I become too loose in the joints and shabby

Hey. A keyboard doesn't replace a person in your living room, but while it's not a substitute, it is real.

I'm here and I hear you.

Do you want to discuss or debate or just have me be here.

Because I think a double mortality rate is fucking alarming. (is it okay if I swear, it comes naturally, but I really should curtail it.) It's like the statistics for recovery. How many do we consider a success? How do we consider the dead? Look, if you want to get really deep, let's go there.

Terryk is one of my stalwarts, but he posted a handful of times, and not about his day to day. [MENTION=12381]terryk[/MENTION]. I mean no disrespect, gods know, but I also know it take a lot to be on here, and it makes me sad that you feel alone. I'm going to post this and respond more. Just so you know you're not actually alone.
.....
Instead let's talk about FML.

[guardian]

Re: Trying to become Real before I become too loose in the joints and shabby

Actually, I did experience one other instance of the "pink cloud." I was a Marine infantryman, and about 30 guys from my battalion were assigned to become instructors for the USMC MMA program. We basically spent a month and a half getting beat up and beating each other up, along with a much-increased intensity of physical training. I remember feeling a stronger connection to others than I had ever felt for some time following that. I think fear has a lot to do with not being able to connect andbwhen I got to the point that I was okay with being punched in the face, losing a fight, a lot of that fear was gone. There are probably better ways.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Trying to become Real before I become too loose in the joints and shabby

Actually, I did experience one other instance of the "pink cloud." I was a Marine infantryman, and about 30 guys from my battalion were assigned to become instructors for the USMC MMA program. We basically spent a month and a half getting beat up and beating each other up, along with a much-increased intensity of physical training. I remember feeling a stronger connection to others than I had ever felt for some time following that. I think fear has a lot to do with not being able to connect andbwhen I got to the point that I was okay with being punched in the face, losing a fight, a lot of that fear was gone. There are probably better ways.

Yep. There are better ways.

I don't know much, but I'm pretty sure that fear is the opposite of what we're striving for.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Trying to become Real before I become too loose in the joints and shabby

Most people are narcissistic automatons. They do not matter. Only you matter.

awww, comeon. I hate to be the softy in most situations, but were you in a bad place when you assumed that I'm a narcissistic automaton, which whatever, I might be, or were you just being mean and assuming the worst about people in general, especially people who don't know and can't see you?

Other people matter. Their feelings matter. You totally contradicted yourself about the 12th step.

If you didn't care about other people, why would you post on here? That makes me really confused. Because I think we're friends, even if it means nothing to you in the 3D world, it means something to me. And I don't get how this went from miscommunication to ballistic.

Once again, I'm sorry I offended you, [MENTION=24764]DragonbytheSea[/MENTION], and I mean that sincerely. Your username, FWIW, is an earworm because I think about this place and your comments, throughout the day.

[DragonbytheSea]

Re: Trying to become Real before I become too loose in the joints and shabby

Ne wrote: but were you in a bad place when you assumed that I'm a narcissistic automaton, which whatever, I might be, or were you just being mean and assuming the worst about people in general, especially people who don't know and can't see you?

Honestly, my mantra has nothing to do with you. It is ALL about me. I wrote about what I get out of meetings, because its all about me if I go to a meeting. If I am posting here, that is also all about me.

Thank you for the apology. Nothing went ballistic.

I do not want to argue or debate anything. I think you do, which is cool if that's how you fly. That kind of thing does not work well for me.

[guardian]

Re: Trying to become Real before I become too loose in the joints and shabby

I had some bad lettuce or something last Tuesday and spent through Sunday morning in pretty bad shape. Since then, I've been playing a little catch-up with routine stuff. Things have been...not bad. I've felt cognizant of what is going on in my life, which is the shit of nightmares. But despite some running thoughts and violent fantasizing while trying to sleep (of course), I've been upbeat - relatively loose, silly even.

I do mean to get on here more, and I will.

I have been reading. I hate to lecture, but it's easy to see when you read impartially the same words and interactions several different times (just checking in on my mobile).

I think a lot of the time it's best to say nothing. Some things are better handled one on one in PMs. That takes vulnerability and bravery.

...and the obligatory bromide about everyone you meet fighting a battle that you know nothing about - except we know we're fucked up. Please be gentle with yourselves and one another.


Be well.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Trying to become Real before I become too loose in the joints and shabby

In some ways I don't even know how to respond. I know that living nightmares don't get better the way they should and that 'I'm sorry' doesn't cut it. Truth is that my experience getting to know people on this forum made me... aware that the written word (which is my holy grail) does not even begin to suffice. I think I wrote this to you already, and if so, forgive me for repeating myself. My goal when I entered nursing school (other than finding the ultimate solution for alcoholism. ha.) was to become a liaison between the medical community and the patient. Especially for people with addiction and mental health issues. My skin is too thin. Don't get me wrong. I don't know that there's anything I can't listen to, it's the inability to make the change that hurts. As I said, it's the person (like me) who can't/won't quit smoking. The diabetic who literally can't afford the $4 prescription, or couldn't pick it up...

This story has kind of been weighing on me, and I've woken up with it the last couple of nights. I'm going to purge it here. Sorry for the digression.
When I was a new-ish nursing student, I 'lucked' into a stint in the ER at a hospital because of a friend, long before I was ready. Ftr, that hospital is now closed.
Anyway, this man came in via ambulance with late stage cirrhosis. I was working with three experienced (?) but young nurses. The man was naked, seemed completely out of it, and he was holding his balls. And he seemed to be totally out of it. But he wasn't and I could tell, because I was watching him, as they were running all these tests and talking shit about him as if he was oblivious, and holding his testicles as some sort of sexual thing. I didn't know anything. But I could tell... anyway. I just said to him, you have to stop playing with yourself, or something that insensitive, but also just really feeling for this guy who was naked on the gurney, uncovered, and disrespected. So he let go of his balls. Grunted. And just held my hand, and eye contact. Eventually the doctor got there and at least covered him up. I don't remember much more than that. What I know now about cirrhosis, and fluid retention, and older men, I should have propped those testicles up, covered that man up, and berated those nurses with words that are swords and they never would have forgotten.

Thanks for letting me share that.

I can't sleep, yet, drunk or sober, without a book. I slept with my bedside light on for most of my life, and kindle probably saved my marriage. ha. I always claimed I was scared of the dark, which isn't true at all, but appeased my parents and most boyfriends, then husband. I just can't deal with the thoughts I wake up with in the middle of the night. When I was in rehab, I got a booklight, and my roommate (who was a gem, but is also losing her shit as I write) agreed that it was okay to switch beds so I could sleep closest to the bathroom, where the light was on and the door was cracked. Last time I got sober, before e-readers, or even smartphones, I would take my dogs on a walk. They were big dogs, and mean looking. I am sooo nostalgic for those days. (And I miss those dogs.) I don't even want to walk around my suburban, and utterly ridiculously safe neighborhood, with my husky, because I'm more scared someone bad will hurt me to take her (lol, but true) than I was walking around Portsmouth, VA, in the middle of the night, baclofened and drunk or wanting to be.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Trying to become Real before I become too loose in the joints and shabby

F. The curse of too much sharing. Sorry for the wall of text.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Trying to become Real before I become too loose in the joints and shabby

double f. The edit limitation. ergh.

[guardian]

Re: Trying to become Real before I become too loose in the joints and shabby

I heard this song on the radio a few days ago: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jBRfkxUAyOk. An old favorite. Digression: everyone hates country music, or at least thinks that they're supposed to hate country music. I get it. I hated it too at one time. But there is no genre of music that covers the entire spectrum of human emotion and experience quite like good American country. It is the folk music of my people. I listen to everything but modern, improvisational jazz, which is rubbish, but if I had to choose one genre to listen to forever, it would be a selection of 80s, 90s, and some 2000s country. My thread, my opinion, I don't really care what you think about it lol.

Anyway, I love the song. But listening to it while fixing supper the other night - it brought back a memory. It was maybe 2005 and my little brother and I were young men living together in an apartment that we were doing our best to turn into a frat house. All we did was party and fight with one another. I never really felt very close to Eric because we were far enough apart in age that we never shared schools or friends. Things with us were tense and awkward.

That summer Eric and I got ahold of psilocybin mushrooms a few times. The complex was surrounding this beautiful, large, private quarry. There were thick, mature woods all around it, with paths, some little deer trails, others large enough for an ATV, all through. One beautiful, warm July night in particular stands out. I think it was the first time that we used them together. I remember this distinctly - that once the mushrooms kicked in, the adult Ian and Eric were gone. We were little boys again, 11 and 8, in love with the magic and adventure of being alive in that beautiful place together in a way that we never could have as children in our circumstances. And I fell in love with my brother, an adult man, who I had the concept of love for, like I should, but never really felt anything more for him than amusement and irritation. The concept of who we were or should be as adult human men, that distinction and all the separateness and bullshit that comes with it was gone. It was replaced with joy, trust, wonder, ...love. He's my oldest friend now and I speak to him more than anyone else in my life.

I can feel it now, and it's wonderful. It made me think of something [MENTION=24764]DragonbytheSea[/MENTION] was explaining to [MENTION=12976]Ne/Neva Eva[/MENTION] about "wearing deer paths in the brain." I'm really glad that I read that prior to having this memory. Thank you.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Trying to become Real before I become too loose in the joints and shabby

I like the song, and used to really like country music. My favorite country music story is that my husband and I were driving to Indiana to see my bff, and there are long stretches of radio-free America, which is hard to believe considering we can still make a phone call. Anyway. "Chew tabaka, Chew tabaka, Chew tabaka, spit...." omg. Even now it slays me. I can't believe that's a real song.

More than country, I love folk music. And chick music.

Thanks for lightening things up. I'm mostly sorry that we don't have the input from [MENTION=24764]DragonbytheSea[/MENTION]. S/he had a lot of interesting input. Alas, my buttons were pushed. "Individualism can sound like wellness, but it's a trick." That's a quote I read on reddit today, so it must be true.

I had a similar experience with a friend back in our twenties. Upstate NY, woods, mushrooms, and so much love. Not romantic, like soul-to-soul. Glad that you and your brother are so close, still.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Re: Trying to become Real before I become too loose in the joints and shabby

I was talking to my brother today, something that doesn’t happen often, and he said, “I’ll tell you all about it over a glass of wine someday…”

Ugh. It’s just an automatic response for him. And if anything, he’s more supportive, more… caring(? I don’t know the right word right now.) I’m envious of your relationship with your brother.