At the suggestion of another forum member, I've decided to start writing more. Thank you for your encouragement. I don't know you, but I love you.
And when I decided to start this journal, my words were right there; packed so tightly in my throat with nowhere to go that they were coming out in tears. 2 days ago the ffear of running of of time took me to something else, when I think this is probably more important than anything else right now. Because I'm right where I was, like, a year-and-a-half or maybe 2 years ago in many ways. Learning the hard way again. But it isn't the same. The thing that spun me like a top this time is worse. I didn't have anger before, and this time I did. I allowed it; didn't feel ashamed. Not entitled to anything because of it, but it wasn't wrong. I grew. And right now, what I am feeling, allowing myself to feel without judgement, I am growing. I can fucking feel it. But there is a lesson too, and I need to put it down. I need to learn and remember. I tried paper and pencil for a long time. But this, for me, is key: putting it here allows me to be seen, to be known.
I read this Robert Bly quote, or heard it in an audiobook rather, and it seemed to speak to me and what I have gone through on my journey:
"Tragedies, then, are not so much about personality flaws as about the depths that call up to certain men and insist that they descend."
I've spent enough time in AA to know that the program itself is not for me, and in fact may be quite damaging to someone with my experiences and disposition. That passage gives me peace. I've spent most of my life unconsciously hating myself, and large parts of the last 4 years doing it consciously.
I still attend AA, probably more recently than ever. I don't resist the things that aren't for me anymore, and I can fully accept and welcome in the ways in which it is beneficial. Which, for me right now, is just being in the company of others - connection, familiar faces.
I'm all over the place, and I don't suspect that this thread will be any different. I wish I could say that I'll keep it on the subject of alcoholism, but that isn't true. I've haven't been drunk in over 4 years, much of that thanks to baclofen. I required 340 mgs. this time to remove cravings. I currently take 100mgs. I don't know what would happen if I drank now. I sometimes think about it - mostly when I feel lonely. But when I think about the actual act and I have no interest in that. Alcohol as a part of my life seems very distant.
That's it for now. I just needed to keep it going.
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