Hi everyone, been away for a week and its been hell. I have not been able to stop drinking as I have been so stressed my husband and I have been constantly arguing all week and since we came home on friday. He is so stressed by my drinking and our marriage is falling apart. My poor children are in the middle and are so stressed out with it all. It has got to stop and today. I have a week left before my youngest starts secondary school and I have to sort things out. I find it so difficullt to take on board what he has said this morning and last week. He totally blames me for all of his stress, he sees nothing in our life except my drinking, we have many issues with our marriage but the main issue for him is my drinking. For the past five years I have drunk regularly two/three times a week, always early evening and nearly always getting drunk. The children have seen me drunk many many times and I am always saying sorry to them. He cannot forgive me for hurting the children. Two weeks ago I decided I would get some proffessional help and I am seeing a lovely lady who is helping me stop. But unfortunately my husband is so stressed that he cannot be there for me. He says he cannot cope anymore with it. The sad thing is that it is now when I need him most, I just want him to see the rest of me that carries on when Im not drinking looking after the children and being a really good mum. I want him to see the pain I have gone through this last 5 years, I know there is no excuse for drinking and I know it has to stop but I just wish he could see that I have suffered as well as him and the children, in five years I lost my Dad, My uncle,two of my aunties, My dear old friend who had cancer and I helped look after her, then I had a breakdown, then I had an accident and was in plaster for 6 weeks after which My back went out and then I had phsiotherapy for 6 months. So okay alot happened to me and I used alcohol to self medicate through it and now it is such a habit I am really struggling to break it. But break it I must and now this week. I have written all that down and it looks like I feel sorry for myself, I dont ,I have tried to get over everything, pick myself up and continue on the only thing I havent beaten is the drink problem, I just wish he could see it from my angle and then maybe he could understand alittle bit better. He says he has helped in the past and that is true but I need him now and he isnt there so I have got to get strong and do this. I will log on here daily, and i will have success not failure I have to because of my beautiful children, even if my marriage doesnt survive. I feel so angry at him and Im sure I shouldnt. How do we deal with guilt because it is crucifing me. Thanks for listening sorry its a long one.
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help also posted as newbie thread
Hi Garden Girl, sounds like your having a terrible time mate. I guess the only way to deal with the guilt is to stop drinking - easy said, not easy to do. However, you can use it as motivation to start modifying your life so that you become the person you want to be.
Getting help is fantastic, but YOU have to help yourself and that is the bit that most people seem to fall over on. YOU have to change, not someone else.
happy to keep talking as long as you need tonight ok.It always seems impossible until it's done.... -
help also posted as newbie thread
Thanks Flip, I do want to stop drinking, I just really struggle with not knowing how to make up for th last five years. I suppose I just wish my husband would not make me feel so guilty all the time and actually see me as his wife who he loved, who has a problem and feels terribly guilty about it. Myabe then he would not be so angry with me all the time.Comment
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help also posted as newbie thread
Hey Garden Girl, my oh my ... our stories sounds so similar!! I too started drinking 5 years ago, death of parents, new (very demanding) job and new house, all too distant husband, and two beautiful children. Anyway, you can't depend on him for support at the moment, so depend on us. Just focus on not drinking (or at least minimizing that) hour by hour, day by day. Drink loads of water, take vitamins and work the rest of this program if you think it's right for you. This web site has been a godsend to me ( am am today 10 days AF), and i could not have even gotten this far without the lovely and warm people holding me up here. Post often, someone is always here to listen. Just avoid drinking for now, not forever for now. Also, stop thinking about huge things like how you are going to make things up for everyone ... start with yourself ... the rest will follow. I'll be looking out for you garden girl. Take very good care and let us know how you are soonCuckoo for Cocoa Puff!!!Comment
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help also posted as newbie thread
To be honest, you can't make up for the last five year, but you can promise yourself to make the next 5 a whole lot better. It's in your hands. I am going to sound harsh here, but you should also stop worrying about him and deal with yourself. If you don't sort your own act out you have no hope of bringing him back to you and gain his trust.
As each day passes and he sees you working hard to deal with this he will learn to trust you more and more.
You ARE still the wife he loves, you are just hiding somewhere and need to be found.It always seems impossible until it's done....Comment
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help also posted as newbie thread
what flip said. absolutely agree.
roxaneComment
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help also posted as newbie thread
Garden Girl, I went through very similar with my hubby, and always felt that he blamed my drinking for everything that ever went wrong .........
A good friend pointed out that I had to stop for me, and not because my hubby wanted me too ..... and once I realised that it was far easier .....
You CAN do this....
Love & Hugs, BB xxsigpicXXXComment
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help also posted as newbie thread
Garden Girl, I agree with all the rest. You need to stop fou YOU-not for any other reason. My hubby has not liked my drinking, although he was a participant as well. What I discovered was that when I was AF for 3months before I found MWO( and then resumed drinking-hense the need for mwo!), and when I am moderating well, he still blames me for many things. Sometimes people simply blame us for things that go wrong in their lives, so they don't have to accept any responsibility. If (WHEN) you get sober and he still blames you for things, how will you react? If you are only doing this to please him then it can't last. DO it because you are a great person who deserves to feel marvelous about yourself, your life, and your choices.:hLife itself is the proper binge. Julia ChildComment
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help also posted as newbie thread
Garden Girl, that sounds pretty hellish. I agree with flip - acknowledge that no matter what you do, you might never get back to having a good marriage, but you might at least go forward to having a better life.
Get support wherever you can. When dealing with a non-drinking issue, I got horribly stuck expecting support from people who are 'supposed' to support you, like my husband and my mother. My husband, though very willing, had no idea how to deal with the issue and my mother was much too involved to be of any help. Actual support came from many, often unexpected, sources.
So my 2 cents' worth is: Try to work out what support you need and how to get it rather than try to tailor your need for support to the people you want to support you.
Take careComment
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