confronting an alcoholic parent/s

[Lady_in_Red]

Hi Everyone,
:new: I started with MWO earlier in the year when I got pregnant and knew how important the cessation of my drinking was. Being sober has really opened many doors for my husband and I, & our relationship has gone to new levels.
Now that I am viewing things clearly I see what problems alcohol causes for my parents, mainly my mom. Both of them are solid 5pm'ers - and throw back as much as they can before falling asleep intoxicated. The deal w/ mom is that she gets angry and its really sad watching her go through it. Not to mention seeing exactly what my behavior was like about 9 months ago - seeing her is like watching myself, and I really feel for what my husband must have gone through w/ me.
Yesterday was pretty bad - she threw my baby shower and was drunk the whole time. she did the same thing at my wedding. its to the point where people are commenting about how she gets a few drinks in her and how nasty she becomes. I can't stand people talking about my mom that way -even though its true. I want to talk to her about it. I want to give her the book in hopes that it might help her - but she's so disconnected I'm afraid she won't even listen to me.
Even just writing this makes me feel better, I know she's a good person, I love her so much - I hope by focusing on the positive I can through to her. Thanks for listening.

[wwbarb]

confronting an alcoholic parent/s

Gosh, it makes me sad for you to read this. It makes me sad for me and my children. The only thing that I can suggest is that you be honest with her. Tell her you see you in her. And tell her how much better it is being sober. Also, tell her that you are not going to allow her to do this to her grandchild, so she may want to think about that. Don't forget to tell her you love her.

:l :l your way.

[Accountable for Me]

confronting an alcoholic parent/s

I agree with Barb. My mother drinks too and I see what I was like in her now. I have tried talking to her but she is stubborn. She also lives alone and is a hermit. She knows we care, and that is all we can do.

Wishing you lots of luck.... Good job on quitting the drinking BTW!

[Guest]

confronting an alcoholic parent/s

Sorry your mum`s drinking and associated behaviour is causing you such distress, Lady. But I think the same goes for any of us in that we won`t quit drinking unless we really want to. Unfortunately, it doesn`t seem that your mum views her drinking as a problem.......it`s obviously bothering other people, but that doesn`t yet seem to bother her. There`s really no point in trying to confront her as such.........I mean, how many of us paid heed to anyone confronting us about our drinking??.......most of us only get a grip on it when we actually decide to confront ourselves.

I think your best bet is to casually leave RJ` s book lying around, in the hope that your mum may pick it up out of curiosity........who knows?.....maybe deep down inside your mum is concerned about her drinking and would at least consider reading the book if she just happened upon it.

Wishing you love and strength and lots of happiness when Baby arrives.

Starlight Impress x

[shitzulover]

confronting an alcoholic parent/s

My daughter goes to Alonon meetings with my mother because of my drinking. My daughter is very open with me about her feelings and quite frankly it has opened my eyes to me addiction. I think you should confront her. sometimes you need that to wake up and smell the coffee!!! I am now back to AA meetings because of how it has affected my family. If this bothers you please help her to know that you care and want her to see things from your point of view.

[whitetiger]

confronting an alcoholic parent/s

Dear Lady in Red,
Reading your story really brought up so much stuff for me, it was like you were telling my story about my Mum....it broke my heart watching her...I use to get angry at her etc, I never drank then, but she died as a result of alcohol a tragic death it was ....now I feel guilty for getting upset and angry with her, now I am drinking....
Ohyou must be so proud of you for not drinking good on you when is your bub due.....
One thing you I did at the end with my mum was I realised we all have choices and no matter what I said to her pleaded with her too stop in the end it was up to her to want to stop which I know she did ....however, the saddest thing for me is I lost my mum due to alcohol...take care of yourself and your new baby. Thanks for sharing your story, I am new here....
Torie

[Lady_in_Red]

confronting an alcoholic parent/s

Well I just got back from Mom's house. I couldn't not approach her about the way she acted since it happened in front of others, and that non-family members were commenting on her behavior - that was just too much for me.

Instead of getting upset I showed her the book and talked to her about my experience. Since our type is the functional problem drinkers, I told her that I knew how it felt, going through the day, longing for the day's first drink, chugging it too fast - getting to the second & third and then losing control. How much I hated the way I felt the next day - the remembering bits & pieces of arguments from the night before - the guilt, the shame and all that garbage.

She listened, at least I think she did. She didn't really say much - but I did tell her how important it was for me to have a healthy relationship with alcohol and how my behavior is going to be example for my child, for better or worse. I told her that I have worked to express the way I feel, rather than repress, get pissed & drink, and how much it has helped me in my life. I didn't tell her what to do, I will hopefully show her - and hopefully she will stay present & sober enough to notice. Again, thanks to everyone for listening. Time will tell.

[Guest]

confronting an alcoholic parent/s

A step in the right direction, Lady...well done.
Wishing your mum a brighter future and hoping she addresses her alcohol problem.

Starlight Impress x

[KateH1]

confronting an alcoholic parent/s

Lady In Red,

First of all, I know first hand what happens in this situation. My mother was a raging alcoholic nearly her entire life. She was drunk and out of control at every single important event in my life, let alone her own.

As for how you presented this issue with your mom, I am proud of you for the way that you handled it. It sounds like you handled from the point of how this is effecting you and how it makes you feel. It does not sound like you came across as judgmental or demeaning in any way. Giving her RJ's book will give her a different perspective on how she might overcome this. I think the biggest hope will also come from your example and how getting sober has changed your life in such a positive way. Well done!'

I know that you will continue to support your mom in a loving, yet honest mannner. I wish you both success in this.

Loving and Supportive Thoughts for you both,
KateH

[MyHeartIsDrenchedInWine]

confronting an alcoholic parent/s

Lady_in_Red;205863 wrote: Hi Everyone,
:new: I started with MWO earlier in the year when I got pregnant and knew how important the cessation of my drinking was. Being sober has really opened many doors for my husband and I, & our relationship has gone to new levels.
Now that I am viewing things clearly I see what problems alcohol causes for my parents, mainly my mom. Both of them are solid 5pm'ers - and throw back as much as they can before falling asleep intoxicated. The deal w/ mom is that she gets angry and its really sad watching her go through it. Not to mention seeing exactly what my behavior was like about 9 months ago - seeing her is like watching myself, and I really feel for what my husband must have gone through w/ me.
Yesterday was pretty bad - she threw my baby shower and was drunk the whole time. she did the same thing at my wedding. its to the point where people are commenting about how she gets a few drinks in her and how nasty she becomes. I can't stand people talking about my mom that way -even though its true. I want to talk to her about it. I want to give her the book in hopes that it might help her - but she's so disconnected I'm afraid she won't even listen to me.
Even just writing this makes me feel better, I know she's a good person, I love her so much - I hope by focusing on the positive I can through to her. Thanks for listening.

She sounds like she is in a lot of emotional pain and is numbing herself to deal with life. I would approach things in a fun loving and casual manner....Good Luck to you all!

[Beaches]

confronting an alcoholic parent/s

Lady in Red, I am so glad that you were able to get your drinking under control for yourself and your baby and now you are finding a way to talk to your mother. Hopefully she will want to read the book when she's ready.
This is really a very powerful post for me as well because I am a mother of 3 young children and the very reason I am working so hard at getting alcohol out of my life. I don't want to see my children follow the patterns that have gone down generation after generation. It benefits no one.
I wish you the very best with your mother and hope that she decides to make a change. Take care.

[Lucy Van Pelt]

confronting an alcoholic parent/s

hmmm...

This thread just made me think.. No one could ever talk me into stopping until I was ready, but... I knew inside I was struggling. I just was so afraid to let anyone know. I was ashamed and scared. And yet, I so wanted not to be alone with this burdon. If anyone "confronted me", I would be defensive. However, my sister, who is NOT a drinker, and does not really understand addiction, once approached me, after noticing the amount of wine I had consumed the night before, and quietly put her arms around me and said..."Beth, I love you, and I am worried about you honey...I think you drink too much". I just...well...after an initial wave of panic I kinda melted...

She wasn't one who could help me, but the honesty in her words, and the lack of judgement...truthfully, even if I didn't open up to her then and there, and she may not even know this now, her words were HELPFUL. They allowed me to see myself as having a problem, not being a bad person. They allowed me to feel loved and be lovable with a problem, and they gave me a reason to want help.

Just thought I would share this....the thread just brought this thought up for me.

Beth

[corky]

confronting an alcoholic parent/s

Lady in Red - I wouldn't be surprised if you mom reads the book and searches the website that she will be relieved to find there is help for the craving. It was such a relief for me to find. I haven't accomplished AF, but have slowed down and working toward it. I found this website the same week I asked my doc if there was anything to help with the craving and lack of control. Only antabuse and AA I was told. She may have even tried AA like I did. It only made me go buy a bottle of wine. Since she was quiet and not defensive, maybe this will be something you can share and both be successful at. Hope so. You did the right thing to let her know there is help without having to go to rehab. That's what I've been searching for. Good luck with your journey and motherhood.

[Guest]

confronting an alcoholic parent/s

Unfortunately GPs (UK Drs) don't get much if any training in addition or alcoholism. They only know how to treat the physical symptoms that arise.

I presume it's the same in the states - I know some do specialise but unless you have experienced it yourself it is impossible to know what it's like. That is why self-help peer-to-peer groups are so successful.

As many of you on here will know it's such a relief to know someone else has felt the same way, behaved in similar ways etc.

[beatle]

confronting an alcoholic parent/s

Lady, I just want to warn you that I also quit drinking, and quite easily, when I got pregnant. For some reason being pregnant seemed to decrease my desire for alcohol-- that together with the knowledge we now have about what alcohol does to the developing fetus. But the warning is that I fell even further into it after becoming a mother. So, watch out.
As for your mother, it sounds like you have made great strides. I wish you the best for your baby, your mother and yourself.