FinneganBeginnegan...Valium

[fickle]

Hello,
My self esteem is very low right now and I feel that I am a boring twat and am writing this for my own selfish needs. This is day one again so I hope to improve in a few days time.
I am following some advice to begin my own thread.. (Thanks Bear). Initially i had dropped in on someone elses & figured that's kind of rude since nobody knows me yet. I used to be a member here about a year or so ago & recognise some old buddies still here - congrats to you all still going strong!! - YoungatHeart, Saint Jude, Tawney, Memarcie to name a few. I used to be known as MFM so i do a double-take each time i see FMF!! Forgot my password so have begun a new charachter. (This site has really exploded by the way!!)
Anyhow.. i stopped coming because my life turned upside down and I really hated myself as I was having no luck controlling myself.. and i did not want to bring others down who were doing so well. My Doc said she did not think my drinking was the biggest issue I had to deal with and suggested I get my life under control again before tackling that. Some may say she was letting me off the hook, but there were a large number of very big scary things happening in my world (don't want to go there just now and i hope it's over).
It's been a rough road and I managed to get off the treadmill finally and the Doc gave me some valium so that I could do a home detox. I went really well for about 2 weeks and then went to a wedding. Went a bit nuts after that... champers, beer, then wine, then whisky.. So I've spent a few days just HATING MYSELF BIG TIME and experiencing extreme fear & paranoia. Jeeeez it reminds me of the reason I gave up smoking pot 20years ago. Alcohol & me just don't work together any more!
Anyway.. this is day one.. ive had a valium and am sipping lemonade. The valium makes the fear & paranoia go away and stops my circular thinking about my problems. Most importantly it stops me getting in the car and driving to the bottle shop.
I have little kids and have managed to isolate myself completely so I don't know anyone I can call on for company really. I promise to check in every day because you guys are going to be my life line for a little while. I used to be a very brave and energetic and good person. I want to be that person again. I want to appreciate my children and everything I have. I want to stand up and fight for the good life that we deserve and get on with fixing things. Most of all I need to stop allowing myself being swallowed up in fear & self recriminations - stop that little record in my head that says I'm not strong enough or smart enough. THAT IS UTTER CRAP!! I am going to go and do my dishes now. Sorry to be boring.. one foot in front of the other eh.
One worry I have is the Valium - I'm supposed to take it for a few days to avoid withdrawal dangers - then stop. Does anybody know what Valium addiction or withdrawal is like? I'm not supposed to get addicted and am on a very low dose. Still, any info would be appreciated.

[Flip]

FinneganBeginnegan...Valium

Welcome back MFM!!!

So glad you are here and ready for another shot at a better life. I couldn't agree more with your doctor - drinking is a symptom, not a cause, but if you have managed to deal with some of it while still drinking that's great, but it's time to get rid of the drink and deal with the rest of it. And guess what? YOU CAN DO IT!! I have, and I NEVER thought I could! I'm now over 10 months sober and it's a wonderful place. I can't wait til your here too and we can swap sober stories... :-)

Sorry, can't answer the valium question, maybe just ring up you dr and ask?

F.

[Cinders]

FinneganBeginnegan...Valium

Fickle,

It sounds like you are ready to take the next logical step. The one that puts you into the superior position. The one that says "I am not a drunk, nor will I ever be again."

Welcome back. :welcome: and let's get on this thing together!!

Valium is addictive, but your doc probably did not give you enough to get addicted to it.

I laugh about us alkies, because I still hsve the Librium in my purse that my doc gave me for detox. Hey, we are afraid of the drugs our doctors give us but not afraid of the drug that is killing us!!!

Use the Valium for a few days if you really need it.

Otherwise, don't and just "sweat it out." You know if you are physically addicted to the alcohol or not. You have "been there done that."

Do not try to get through serious withdrawals without the drugs. You know it can kill you.

On a lighter note, Fickle. I am glad you are back and working on your addiction. This is not easy but it is very much worth it.

Take care, be smart and let's get sober together!!!

Love,
Cindi

[Hannah]

FinneganBeginnegan...Valium

Fickle, glad you are here and ready to do something to help yourself w your addiction. You sound ready and strong, and I am sure you will do just fine. I agree w Cindi that the Dr. probably hasn't given you enough Valium to get yourself hooked. I am sure he would be carefull about that. Hey, you are not the only one whose main social contact is this forum, and really, that's not so bad. Where else is there someone who will talk to you 24 hours a day, never judge and never criticize?

Wish you all the luck in the world, Fickle, I'm sure we will be seeing lots of you, and looking forward to that.

[MyHeartIsDrenchedInWine]

FinneganBeginnegan...Valium

My personal thought is that Valium is less addictive than alcohol because it is a drug and not a "food" with carbs & calories. I'm not an expert, JMHO.

Alcohol is the only thing I've ever become addicted to and I've done my share of addictive things, go figure. If you are under a Dr's supervision, go for it!

[Finding My Self]

FinneganBeginnegan...Valium

Hello MFM! FMF here! (Sorry! Call me Feet!)

Just to say Hello and YOU CAN DO THIS from me....

Just a quickie about the Valium....yes, doc has probably just given you a tiny amount but I am a great believer in cutting in and out slowly...as in taking them but when you're getting to the end of the packet or the need, cut them in half for a day and then in half again before finishing. I feel my system is less likely to 'kick back' (I felt a bit wobbly and jittery 24 hours after the previous tablet) and leave you thinking you 'need' more....sort of 'let it down gently'.

Hope that makes sense and I wish you much love and luck.
FMF xx (Feet or Finding!)

[Beaches]

FinneganBeginnegan...Valium

Welcome back Fickle,
You sound really motivated and you're right you can do this. I needed to get my self together for my small kids as well and they were one of my main driving forces. The first main driving force was myself. I finally got it through my thick skull that if I felt better everyday then everything else would fall into line. It's amazing the difference in how you feel when you take out the hangover factor and how much more productive you can be.

I don't know much about valium either. Best of luck to you!

[stollies1]

FinneganBeginnegan...Valium

Hey there Fickle,
My thought on the valium is that the doctors give it to you to stave of some of the withdrawal symptoms..The second time I tried to give up the drink my doctor prescribed it for the withdrawals but I was truly bottoming out at that stage and just drank and took the valium and hit rock bottom ( my choice entirely) but I'm sure it has its use in giving up the booze and lord knows there's plenty of people in here taking some fairly potent chemicals to kill the cravings so I don't see valium being any great worry. I wasn't here for your first time 'round so welcome from me and welcome back to the site.Good luck this time they say practice makes perfect, lets hope so for you.Don't scurry off if you have a stumble, stay with us so we can all help where we can..Thats what this place is all about.
Hope it all goes well
Victoria xxooxx

[tea]

FinneganBeginnegan...Valium

Hi Fickle,

Welcome back......
TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE....
You are never alone here EVER at any time of day or night, we are truly global friends. I wish you continued strength.

L

[betty boop]

FinneganBeginnegan...Valium

Hi Fickle :welcome: back ....

You sound really positive so well done ....

You CAN do this ..... Keep checking in here we are all here for you ...:l :l

[memarcie]

FinneganBeginnegan...Valium

Welcome back Fickle/MFM.

I know you are struggling big time, but you can do this. Come here often to post/chat and that will help. I'm a bit confused on your doc saying you needed to work on other issues then deal with the alcohol, but then she prescribed valium for withdrawls. It sounds like she is helpful though.

Great to see you.

Marcie

[Lunapro]

FinneganBeginnegan...Valium

Congratulations on your decision! Life is so much better without the alcohol monster in it.

When I quit the first time, the Dr. prescribed valium to prevent withdrawal symptoms. If yours is anything like mine, the amounts are very small, and gradually tapering so the risk of developing a new addiction isn't great. She would only give me a few days worth at a time.

It was never enough for me to get a buzz from, only just to feel kind of tired. I found I stopped taking them before the prescription was even finished.

*wishing you all the best*

[fickle]

FinneganBeginnegan...Valium

Thank you guys all so much!
I do feel better this morning and more positive, though I must admit last night to having a beer in the early evening & a wine after dinner yesterday. (My kids were demanding macaroni cheese so I drove to the shop - the valium had worn off by then.) This is still a move in the right direction since the few days before that I would not remember the night before and have had to count the bottles next day & not the glasses.. so perhaps day 1 was moderation. I chose the 'Fickle' handle for a reason. Total abs is very hard unless I?m by myself.
I am going to try to log my number of drinks from now on. Victoria, you are right.. It is very easy to both drink & take valium.. This is going to be tricky. But it did work well for me a few times before. It is sooo hard to handle the panic & irritability with kids & working.
Anyway, great suggestions above. MyHeartIsDrenchedInWine, sugar is a biggie for me. My doc said my liver is fine, but my blood sugar is the issue. I have other health issues around that and it?s very important I quit carbs & sugar to get back on track. FMF, that?s a good plan to bring the valium down slowly too. Had not thought of that!
I have to pick up my daughter from the movies at 6pm and so valium?s not an option today until this evening. I?ve downloaded a heap of positive affirmations and am going to bombard myself with those and do housework. Ambition for today is ?make a salad? (and make myself eat it) and ?drink lots of water?.
Thank you all so much for your kindness and supportive words. It really helps to know you are all out there. I am checking in a lot and reading.. Just not posting, but I promise to post at least once a day to this thread so that I don?t go off the deep end again.
XXX

[Going Strong]

FinneganBeginnegan...Valium

Welcome Back!

Hi fickle, (aka MFM)
Glad your back and yes I am like you...........have found it really hard but are making great strides now mainly because of the change in my mindset!
from memory you had a very stressful job as well as handling the kids in a new area? I hope I got the right MFM! LOL
Anyway keep on posting, the valium is OK I think you are not taking enough or for long enough to get addicted and it will help.
We are all behind you.
Take care

[fickle]

FinneganBeginnegan...Valium

Heya Shas! Yep it's me.. Great to hear from you again!! I remember you are in Sydney and we were talking about a website?

Am thinking i'd better start a new thread in general.. since this is not really a 'need help urgently' situation any more. Was a fair bit panicky to begin with but am probably over that.. main thing is to decide what the hell i am doing. Have had some advice that I've got to make a decision one way or the other, ie: valium & abs or otherwise it might be bad.. leading to combination of the two. I think I need to be in a situation with less pressure to go for abs again ( I have a feisty teenager, 2 little kids & a demanding job (& feisty self)).. so maybe need to go to mods to begin with??? Oh I wend my fickle way once again.

This is what annoys me so much about myself.. I set out in the morning with the best of intentions, get everyone up, bathed, dressed, fed & off to school (deal with all dramas like fish or budgie died or dog escaped into neighbour's chickens whatever) get thru traffic to work and manage all daily dramas all day... then THANK GOODNESS the work day is over and I'm looking forward to getting home & seeing my kids (still feeling in control), but when pick them up they are all over the place, fighting and carrying on about stuff and I'm trying to shop & get dinner and get the chores & homework organised, manage other stuff like bills, banking, email and eeeeek!! find myself freaking out quick smart!

Oh dear.. there was me having a venting session! Again!

Thank you all to those of you above for your support. I think I have to make a decision and go into the moderation thread for now. This moderation I know is probably only possible if i can find some way of maintaining it.. and if there is no medication that can do it for me then a change of lifestyle is the only other way. In the meantime if you think there is a more appropriate thread then please let me know.

Love & Gratitude!