My self esteem is very low right now and I feel that I am a boring twat and am writing this for my own selfish needs. This is day one again so I hope to improve in a few days time.
I am following some advice to begin my own thread.. (Thanks Bear). Initially i had dropped in on someone elses & figured that's kind of rude since nobody knows me yet. I used to be a member here about a year or so ago & recognise some old buddies still here - congrats to you all still going strong!! - YoungatHeart, Saint Jude, Tawney, Memarcie to name a few. I used to be known as MFM so i do a double-take each time i see FMF!! Forgot my password so have begun a new charachter. (This site has really exploded by the way!!)
Anyhow.. i stopped coming because my life turned upside down and I really hated myself as I was having no luck controlling myself.. and i did not want to bring others down who were doing so well. My Doc said she did not think my drinking was the biggest issue I had to deal with and suggested I get my life under control again before tackling that. Some may say she was letting me off the hook, but there were a large number of very big scary things happening in my world (don't want to go there just now and i hope it's over).
It's been a rough road and I managed to get off the treadmill finally and the Doc gave me some valium so that I could do a home detox. I went really well for about 2 weeks and then went to a wedding. Went a bit nuts after that... champers, beer, then wine, then whisky.. So I've spent a few days just HATING MYSELF BIG TIME and experiencing extreme fear & paranoia. Jeeeez it reminds me of the reason I gave up smoking pot 20years ago. Alcohol & me just don't work together any more!
Anyway.. this is day one.. ive had a valium and am sipping lemonade. The valium makes the fear & paranoia go away and stops my circular thinking about my problems. Most importantly it stops me getting in the car and driving to the bottle shop.
I have little kids and have managed to isolate myself completely so I don't know anyone I can call on for company really. I promise to check in every day because you guys are going to be my life line for a little while. I used to be a very brave and energetic and good person. I want to be that person again. I want to appreciate my children and everything I have. I want to stand up and fight for the good life that we deserve and get on with fixing things. Most of all I need to stop allowing myself being swallowed up in fear & self recriminations - stop that little record in my head that says I'm not strong enough or smart enough. THAT IS UTTER CRAP!! I am going to go and do my dishes now. Sorry to be boring.. one foot in front of the other eh.
One worry I have is the Valium - I'm supposed to take it for a few days to avoid withdrawal dangers - then stop. Does anybody know what Valium addiction or withdrawal is like? I'm not supposed to get addicted and am on a very low dose. Still, any info would be appreciated.
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