I found this website quite a while back, and I jumped in MWO with both feet. I think I made it AF for maybe two or three weeks. Topa did not work for me and couldn't tell much difference with or without the supps.
So I went back to my old ways of seeming like the perfect wife and professional business woman, while drinking wine until I pass out each night. And yes, I absolutely hate myself more than words can express.
I always heard it takes more and more alcohol to get drunk when you have been drinking as many years as I have. But I find now that one glass of wine gets to me....and also tells me to keep on pouring till I fall asleep. Wine is to be sipped....but I drink it in big old gulps.
But this morning I figured out why I drink (well not really, but I am putting my thoughts out to cyberspace).
The mundane things of life are done by someone else (my drunken self)...in other words, dinner dishes are cleaned up and clothes are folded, and I wake up and go into the kitchen and it is spotless. Who did that? The person in me that did it without thinking or feeling.
Each morning I get up and check to see how much wine is left to tell myself exactly how much I "really" drank. And I tell myself I am "okay" and today will be a new day.
Till 5 p.m. comes and I can't stand to think about the time from dinner till I can go to bed. So I go into that mindless person that I hate so much the next day.
AA says alcohol will either make you insane, put you in prison, or kill you. I think about that all the time. And dying seems to be the only cure.
I never post... I just read. But I am feeling so sad that I don't think I can stand it any more.
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