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[Langoustine]

Hello,

Following an almost deadly accident, my man survived last march 2007 as I previously mentioned. Meanwhile he has tried several times to quit. The longest was 7 weeks, the rebound was worse than ever and I think I am giving up hope. He just finished reading the autobiographie of Eric Clapton which he received for Xmas from a good friend, and it seems to have a positive effect on him, however, he is still drinking.

I found Lee Milteer's highly acclaimed, life changing, "Habit Busting" program re. alcohol abuse and would like to know if anyone here has tried it? Here is the link to ''STOP DRINKING ADVICE'' Break Your Habit Permanently In Just 21 Days - Guaranteed

Any suggestion would be greatly appreciated!:thanks:
Best regards, Langoustine

[jane jane]

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I just went back and read every one of your posts, as I was unfamiliar with your story. If a near-death experience didn't change him, I don't see how your disapproval, despair, and unhappiness can make the smallest dent in his determination to prize his liquor above YOU. Every day that you stay, you might as well be wearing a sign that reads, "Go ahead and disrespect me. I'll stick around anyway." You are enabling him by your very presence, and (it seems to me) wasting your time. If it were me, I'd dump him, and refuse to answer any phone calls until he could offer some real proof that he's gotten his immature, self-destructive act together. He's stolen enough of your life.

[Marshy]

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If he's given up by himself for seven weeks before, he's shown that he CAN do it. The question is: does he WANT to do it?

You can throw money at "cures" advertised on the internet, but nothing will work unless he really wants to quit. Has he tried AA? Counselling? Seen his doctor?

Has HE taken the initiative to get help rather than leaving you to try to fix things?

[Langoustine]

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Thank you! This is exactly how I feel and you couldn't have expressed how I feel any better. I actually did officially break up with him in December 2007 and told him he would have to make living arrangements in 2008. It took a few reminders, but I think his penny dropped very slowly and with a lot of denial but he's got it now. My patience has limits, and I am not going to let anyone ruin my future. However, I think I am passed anger, frustration and false hope and only want him to remove himself from my house. I feel relieved to have made that choice and we are friends in spite of all and frankly I had to do a lot of hard work on myself before I was able to do it. As far as I am concerned even if he stopped drinking now, too many bad things happened and destroyed our love, but I still want to help him if there is a way out for him...

Thanks for your reply, you just confirmed that I did make the right choice!
Langoustine

[Langoustine]

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Dear Marshy

Marshy;257525 wrote: If he's given up by himself for seven weeks before, he's shown that he CAN do it. The question is: does he WANT to do it?

You can throw money at "cures" advertised on the internet, but nothing will work unless he really wants to quit. Has he tried AA? Counselling? Seen his doctor?

Has HE taken the initiative to get help rather than leaving you to try to fix things?

Thank you for your reply. Yes he has tried all of the above and I think he has realized that he has a severe problem since the accident. I am one who believes that we are all responsible for our own choices in life. Although I have been tolerant, supportive, understanding, my patience has limits. I have always made it clear to him, that it is his life and that it was up to him to get it together and do his inside work, just as I did all these years I was living with him and his problem.

He did see a doctor and is getting medication at this time. This doctor told me to just kick him out, but frankly I think that would be cruel, so I just asked him to make plans for other living arrangements in 2008... At this point I just feel sorry for him but I have to move on with my life even if it hurts in the process.....

[wonderworld]

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If he's still drinking, and you haven't given him an actual deadline to get out, he's not going anywhere. Does he have a job? Can he afford a place his own or with a flat mate?

Dont' confuse charity with enabilng. This is your inner sanctum, your home, your refuge, your nest. If he's not going to be your man, then what is an active problem drinker that you don't love any more doing walking around in your personal space? You're setting new standards for yourself and are working hard to make your life wonderful, which you derserve. Lose the dead weight!!

When he is super-motivated to quit drinking, he will find all kinds of people, places and things to help him. Why was it you that came here looking for help and not him? I'm not being mean, it's just that I've been on BOTH sides of this kind of story, and clarity can be VERY hard to come by when all your feelings and history are wrapped up in it. NO ONE ever "got me" to quit drinking, no matter how loving and helpful they were. Until someone quits, you're really just talking to the alcohol (ism), not the person.

As Al-Anon says, we learn to detach (break the emotianal trap), but with love. This is very hard for us care-takers.

I just heard this quote the other day:

"Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid" - Goethe


Be bold Langoustine! -

wonder xx

[Langoustine]

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Thank you for taking the time to write such a long reply. You are so right I should give him a deadline, telling him to make plans for other living arrangements in 2008 is just to vague for a person like him... Hmm... you really got me thinking here

I still do have feelings for the man, but like Tina Turner sings ''What's love got to do with it...'' That's how I feel about him now and I know I've got to make a move if it is for no other reason than my own self respect.

He does have a good paying job with the government that is why he is still employed. A private employer would have fired him a long time ago. However, he has caused so much trouble for himself in the past year that most of his paycheck goes to pay off his many alcohol related debts (including the car crash in March 2007). But is it my problem?

I will definitely put a deadline on it. Thanks that was good advise!

Langoustine

[wonderworld]

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Langoustine;257542 wrote: But is it my problem?

No! But you're human and you feel for the guy. That's fine. But don't let it cloud your vision or make you back down from what you know is true!

And the gov't is enabling him too? Interesting........ so between you and the gov't, he could coast forever? Uh........ I don't THINK so!!!

What are you thinking for a deadline? A month?

wonder xx

[jane jane]

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Langoustine, I'm glad our advice didn't offend you; clearly, we are some opinionated dames! I think all of us who replied could sense that you were really ready to jettison this drunk bum, though. Albeit a lovable drunk bum!

Yes, a deadline for his exit would be excellent progress. Make it soon! But please don't stop coming here once you have him safely out from underfoot! We'd love to have you around, even though you seem to be enviably non-addicted to a glass here and there. And who knows---Monsieur le Lush will almost certainly try and weasel his way back into your life, and we'll be here to scream, "Don't do it!!!"

WonderW, right you are about people, places, and programs to help him when he's ready. Unfortunately, there are also people and places (bars) to "help" him continue his ways---and he'll find plenty of those, too!

[Langoustine]

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Well considering the relationship chemistry and our entangled financial situation I am thinking of March 31st, 2008. I think that's very reasonable...

[Not Happy Hour-Happy Life]

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Langoustine-
I just finished reading your posts, and truthfully, I don't know if my advice will be much different than Jane Jane's or Wonderworld's.... especially about enabling. It's easy for us to say, DROP HIM, but it's much harder to do. Kind of throwing money at a bad investment, but every month, we throw in $20 "just in case" the stock turns for the better, right?

If only we had a crystal ball to see what the future holds:
1. Who's to say that he won't wake up one day, throw the bottle down, and never look back? Isn't that what we hope for, when we watch other's struggling?
2. Who's to say that once you throw him out, he realizes that he's lost you, and that will be the trigger to throw the bottle down? Isn't that what you are hoping for?
3. What's to say that he won't ever stop drinking, despite all of the hurt he's caused you and his family? What's to say that the only thing that will stop him is another accident, but this time a fatal one?

I have a very good friend that is extremely social- he works in the same field as I do. I look forward to working with him, because he's smart, analytical, and customer service savvy- he can sell an igloo to an Eskimo. But when I work with him, I know that about 3:30 pm, I have to get "an emergency call from home" so I can leave- because with or without me, he's hitting the bar for a "refreshing cool beverage". I've been there with him trying to drink one-for-one, and having to call my husband to come get me... and this is before 6 pm. This man had a DUI that few knew about, and then he got sick with an intestinal issue- he needed to get surgery and was out of work for 6 weeks. At the end of the 6 weeks, he had stopped smoking and drinking, and when I talked to him, I asked him if he was gonna lay off the booze. From the bottom of his heart, he sincerely talked about not drinking- his life had changed. He truly believed himself. But, he didn't change any of his other work habits, and 4 weeks later he got a second DUI. His employer found out about this one, and he was fired- right before Christmas. And since his job requires driving, no one else would hire him..... so, he became an "Independent Contractor" and hired a driver, and worked that way for 2 years. Finally, another company gave him a second chance, and he's working for them again.

Drum role, please: do you think he's drinking today?
Sadly, you know the answer is yes. I saw him the other day and he was polluted- Now, like your man, there are some people that are "cute" when they drink, right?

Unfortunately, I'm not in a position to help my friend. I know that he and his wife have gotten in serious fights when he's come home drunk, to where the police have become involved. If she would ask me what to do, and she told me to love him, I don't think I could simply say, "Toss the bum out", even though it's the logical choice.

Logically, you are holding all of the cards- you've given him second chances, you've held his hand while he was dying, you've stood by his side while he struggled. He's used up all of his "Get out of Jail Free" cards. Emotionally, he's holding the cards, though, because you haven't given up hope. If you felt hopeless, you wouldn't have come back here looking for help.

There's nothing wrong with hope, Lango. It's like the burning candle that flickers, but is able to stay lit. You need to have hope. :h

You said something about writing down your feelings, and he was going to do the same: did that ever happen? I don't know much about interventions, but maybe someone here can help you figure out if they are successful, or if they just delay the inevitable? You mentioned his parents are elderly, non-drinkers, and they've been in the sidelines this whole time. Isn't it about time to enlist their help?

If I was your man, and I wanted to stay with you, and you gave me a 3/31 deadline, I could stop drinking for 8 weeks. I could get "better" and prove that I'm worthy of a second chance. But guess what follows March 31st? Look on the calendar..... yep, April Fool's Day. And I'd start fooling the world again.

I know I'm rambling, but there is no easy solution. There's no easy way to just stop the train. Stay close~ there are some men on this forum that have lived through similar circumstances, and they've stopped drinking.... look up Bald Headed Old Guys posts, and read his stories. Chief is another guy that's on here that gives me hope. Stay close, Lango, stay close. :groupluv:

Much love,

[jane jane]

Seeking feedback

Another quick thought: if he does somehow persuade you, between now and 3/31, to put up with him a while longer, PLEASE (if you have not already done so, and I hope you have) make sure that you are the sole beneficiary of any life insurance he has, and the sole heir to his estate. Settle for NO LESS. He'll probably succeed in killing himself sooner or later, and you might as well have something to show for the years you tolerated his stunts.

[wonderworld]

Seeking feedback

March does sound reasonable Langoustine. And I'm sure you're already working on, or think about how to, disentangle yourself financially. Get your ducks in a row ASAP. You might even want to have a consultation with a financial advisor - someone who can look at the whole situation and give you an action plan that is in your best interests. That's what I would do anyway.

Here's to a bright 2008-

wonder

[tlrgs]

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there are no guaranteed in life. all you can do is live one day at a time . and pray to god or your higher power.and read all the book they all may have one thing that would help yougood luck and have a great day