feeling sorry for myself

[keeta]

Sitting here drunk...stupid....yep.I am trying to find a way to fit into my relationship.I am a step mom of four, and don't want to be (call me shallow if you like...step up any time and take my spot) I am tired...I don't get enough attention from my man if you know what I mean...*wink* cooking, cleaning all day...any hints on how to feel sexy...i need help...

Kim

[Ripple]

feeling sorry for myself

HALT... hungry, angry, lonely and tired. get some help, it is out there....your coming to site and there are plently of resources here. be safe.

:l ~Ripple~

[beatle]

feeling sorry for myself

Well sounds to me like you have every reason to feel sorry for yourself. Can you discuss this with your man? Do you have any friends you can commiserate with? Do you have a therpist, counselor, or spiritual leader you can talk to? I think you need and deserve to alleviate your situation. Also, on a physical level, if you take care of yourself, eat healthy and take your supps, you will be better equipped to handle the very real trials of you difficult situation.

[tea]

feeling sorry for myself

Hi Keeta, feel very sorry for yourself, wallow, do whatever it takes but keep on posting. Yes, step parenting is a thankless task at times but could be so worth it if you are the one person these kids are leaning on BUT first you must look after YOU. You say that you don't want to be step parent, I relate to that (with some shame) but it is an honest reaction to what you are feeling and we MUST be honest with ourselves. If you can (??) try to take some time out for yourself to do some YOU thinking.

Lxx

[Guest]

feeling sorry for myself

Hi keeta,
I have never been in your situation, so only have my thoughts to offer, as opposed to any experience of being a step mum.

To be perfectly honest, my own kid is a teenager now and the thought of becoming involved with a man with kids doesn`t particularly appeal, although I`m very much a "never say never" person. I guess it would depend upon how deeply I felt for the man and whether or not I truly believed I could warm to his kids. It`s not even that I don`t like kids........just that mine is almost all grown up now and I wouldn`t relish starting over with young kids, although I don`t know the ages of your step kids.

I think it important when anyone meets a man who has kids, that we understand that that man comes as a package........him and his kids........just as it should be, because those kids existed before his new partner came along. I truly do not mean to be unkind........perhaps you didn`t think this all through well enough before you married him...........I`m really not sure that I could have put myself in your position. I believe it takes a woman or man with an enormous heart to take on step kids.........situation can be fraught with problems, yet joys too. I think it`s probably a lot easier to establish a warm relationship with young step kids........older ones probably prove more difficult to get close to in many cases.

The thing is..........you married him, presumably because you really love him, so you have to find a way to make this work.........it would be a dreadful shame to have to cut your losses. I think you and he should sit down and have a good heart-to-heart together........this problem is a problem you share........not yours alone.

Yes, the kids are important, but so too are you and the marriage. Lay your cards on the table and tell him all that is upsetting you and exactly how you feel. Something as simple as a night off for the both of you could make you feel a whole lot better.........you could get a sitter once a week and allow you both some time together and this would give you something to look forward to all week.

If the kids are giving you a hard time, then hubby has a responsibility to you to speak with them and tell them that disrespecting you won`t be tolerated.

The fact that you`re here talking about this firstly says that you are upset by the situation, but it seems to me that you love them enough in your own way to want to make this work..........you can`t do this all on your own.........your hubby has to help you address the problems.........they will not go away all by themselves, nomatter how much he may wish they would.

I hope you can work something out.........is such a shame that this situation is driving you to drink.

Starlight Impress x

[jane jane]

feeling sorry for myself

Hi Keeters---aw honey, bless your heart. I echo Starlight about the whole stepchild issue. I'm ashamed to say (well, actually, I'm not ashamed at all but I thought it would sound nicer) that a man with four chilluns would have to be some kinda Superman, Uberstud, billionaire, demigod to persuade me to take on that task, so you are one brave woman!

I too have never been in this situation, but my guess is that a stepmother is held to an even higher standard than a birth mom---after all, when we yell at our biological children, it's to be expected, but if we yell at those we merely "acquired"---well, I imagine the fallout is pretty bitter.

Your husband should be falling on the floor before you, worshipping you and promising you all manner of rewarding treats. If he's not, shame on him.

Do they live with you 24/7 or do you get to ship 'em off to Mama regularly? Hope so!

And there's always boarding school...

[keeta]

feeling sorry for myself

Jane,
that is exactly *IT*...when you try to discipline children, (we are talking correcting attitude, or removing priveledges here, not a spanking...they are too old for that...and you can't spank kids anymore, any ways ), that aren't your own, you become the *"step-monster"*

What it really boils down to, is that I was drinking, and feeling sorry for myself.
I do love the kids very much...sometimes it is just hard work. Definately more that I bargained for.
Thank you all so much for responding...I really just needed to feel like some one cared...even a little...about me. ( selfish, I know)
You are all so wonderfully supportive here, and for that I am grateful!

love and hugs,
K

[Lucy Van Pelt]

feeling sorry for myself

Keeta-

I am not a step-parent, but my husband is step-dad to my 2 children, who are now teens (he took the role when they were little...he is a SAINT)

word of advice though...when it comes to discipline, it should be the bio. parent that gives it out...not the step. Otherwise, you do become step-monster. The kids will feel resentful, as "you are not my real mom..." and you also feel frustrated.

Why don't you talk to hubby about that. If you look in any parenting handbook that raises this issue, you will find lots of stuff to back up your position.

Oh...and make time for you and hubby to enjoy each other...especially if the kids are not really little. Make dates...dress up...make time for sex.

OK just my 2 cents...hope it is helpful

Beth

[jane jane]

feeling sorry for myself

Keeta, you know, dear, iffen I wuz you I'd not shy away from, but EMBRACE the "step-monster" role! Don't let those little (or not-so-little) s**ts decide "how" you should act! You were a grown woman before you were a step-mother. I agree that you can't spank them (not that I object to that time-honored practice, but they do sound rather large and might be able to hurt you worse in response! Or else they'd whine and tattle, and land you in a tiresome argument with Daddy, who would get mad and withold sex, and then where would you be?)

You know what? I'd sit his a** down and read him the Riot Act about those kids. I'd tell him,"Look here, Buster, this is a two-way-street. If you had wanted a housekeeper and cook, but not a WIFE," I'd say, "then you should have gone to a local employment agency and requested this. It would not have been cheap, but then you could have fired her if she didn't suit their little Royal Highnesses.

"You can't fire me, and I'll be expensive to divorce, so can we make a treaty here? You better have a little come-to-Jesus meeting with those damn brats of yours, and let them know that I'll meet them halfway, but I'll be damned if I'll be their slave for zero pay and lots of disrespect."

Not exactly what Maria said to Baron von Trapp in *The Sound of Music,* but then...those kids weren't bratty.

Any chance you could teach them to sing for money?

[4theboyz]

feeling sorry for myself

Hello Keeta,

Feeling unappreciated while playing maid to 4 step kids and not getting action from your man is a tough spot and a place all too familiar to me and I'm sure my wife would sound off on this as well. I am in a very similar stale mate position with my wife, I work, come home (used to drink) and expect the world back in return. So I know it is hard to be a parent, a wife and whatever ever else and get the attention we all yearn - just ain't gonna happen girl.

But what can make a difference is the little things. During the week there are 3 times in the day when I have *any* chance to directly connect with my wife. When we sit down to dinner and I look up and see her face, as we pass each other in the kitchen and later as I turn off the lights before bed. Not much opportunity to connect, plus by then, we are both exhausted.

Let's back up as to review the missed opportunities to see what may make a difference. If I looked up at my wife at dinner and saw she was wearing her favorite earrings I might notice that. If I passed her in the kitchen and she gave me a nice hug and I smelled a hint of her/my favorite perfume, I would notice. If in bed she snuggled close (but nothing too frisky) and told me she misses just being close, I *would* notice. These are the little things that not only make you feel special but just may let the others around you take notice. Most importantly, do things for yourself. If the other in your life see you smiling and looking good, perhaps working out, these positive feelings will radiate and be noticed. It is up to you to make yourself feel good first and foremost and the rest will follow.

Warning: Men are creatures of habit and intruding too abruptly on their daily rituals is almost certain death. Take baby steps and make gradual changes. Just drop hints on what he may be missing out on and hopefully you get what you deserve!

[Jaded]

feeling sorry for myself

Keeta, my x husband was the step father of my 2 boys. They were 3 months and 21/2 yrs old when we started dating. He hated the 2 yr old from the start but the baby was young enough that he bonded with him and was a good father to him but he was a monster to my oldest son....He was a big beliver in spare the rod spoil the child especially when it came to my oldest son...he thought he should be seen and not herd but with the youngest he couldn't do anything wrong. I said all that to say this...when it came to disciplining them I didn't care if he disciplined my youngest because my son knew his step dad loved him but I hated him trying to discipline my oldest because he didn't love him...All I'm trying to say is...as long as those kids know that you truley love them then I think it's ok because you will be fare but if they don't feel love from you then it should be their dad that does it.

I know one thing.....I would not want to be in your shoes...no way. After my divorce that was one thing I didn't want was a man with kids at home...I got lucky and found one that has never had any kids..wich can be a bad thing too because he dosen't understand how it feels when they need money.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to go on and on....I hope I helped you a little anyway.



Keep your head up..it will get better.