I can't remember

[4theboyz]

I vividly remember the pain I felt a long time ago as a young boy when I slipped off the bicycle seat. I will never forget the anguish of my divorce almost 20 years ago. I remember like it was yesterday the shear terror and cold I felt as I fell through the ice 30 years ago.

Oddly, going on 26 days AF I am honestly having trouble remembering the feelings I had that scared me straight into going AF just a few weeks ago. This worries me. It was those very feelings and fears that gave me the strength and conviction to not drink. My success at not drinking depends on remembering, but today I feel disconnected from that urgency. I really do miss my evening martinis after a hard work day, my Friday nights after a hard work week. This is so very hard for me at times like this and alas I have to turn to you all here.

[Thankful]

I can't remember

4theboyz, it might be ok that those memories are fading. Your new memory of how great you feel now can be your new motivation.

Around day 5, I was hit with an elated feeling that I never knew was in me. I could not believe I made 5 days w/o a beer! What I did was record a message to myself (on my cell phone) that reminds me of how happy and extremely proud of myself that I was/am.
To actually "hear" the joy has been a huge motivation. You could also write down how you feel. Read it when those urges hit.

Don't let the memories that are fading drive you to drink. You've worked too hard!! Just make yourself some new happier memories.

I hope that helps you. Good luck!

Love, Me
:l

[AlwaysWishing]

I can't remember

Hi 4theboyz,

I too was having the same worries this morning. At day 16, I've forgotten how utterly terrified I was on day 1. But as Thankful says, maybe that's a good thing. How we view a situation is completely up to us. Maybe if we don't rely on fear but instead on happiness, we'll break out of our old patterns of scared, quit, complacent, drink. I'm hoping that journeying into uncharted territory will finally be the key. Relying on fear might be our old coping mechanisms operating. That flight or fight response that only serves us well when something bad is actually happening. I'm not used to dealing with no drama since I've always created it. I now have a chance at peace and figuring out how to live life with a proactive approach, rather than reacting to fear. We're in a box with fear. it might help us initially but it also keeps us caged.

26 days is wonderful! Maybe your brain is healing and it's helping you to forget the trauma you've been through.

Best wishes!

[Resolute]

I can't remember

I drank all day yesterday and last night. I'm feeling what I'm sure we all have 'the day after.' IT IS NEVER WORTH IT. No matter how much I drink, that temporary fix never works. Never...

You're feeling the same things we all do after a long period of sobriety. I think that that's very common --and dangerous-- at around the 3 to 4 week mark. I've been there a couple of times over the past several months -- so close, so very close to finally beating it back. Being stronger than it is...if ever you've wanted to really beat this thing, now is the time. Make it today...imagine 30 days AF!! Make it today...

[FallenAngel]

I can't remember

4theboyz;290907 wrote:
Oddly, going on 26 days AF I am honestly having trouble remembering the feelings I had that scared me straight into going AF just a few weeks ago. This worries me. It was those very feelings and fears that gave me the strength and conviction to not drink. My success at not drinking depends on remembering, but today I feel disconnected from that urgency. I really do miss my evening martinis after a hard work day, my Friday nights after a hard work week.

I have gone through that too....
and it DOES get scary because you fear that the reasons why you quit aren't in the forefront of your thoughts & that the voice of our addiction will overpower our will to stay sober.
Take some quiet time to yourself... and start to think (or write down) all the reasons why you wanted & needed alcohol out of your life.... then take notes of all the things (no matter how insignificant they may seem) that now are better in your life....
for me, I have noticed that I laugh louder... and earlier in the day! .... I love the feeling of waking up in the morning & not feeling like crap... I also like waking up & remembering everything I said the night before..... or even knowing that I can safely drive at any time without the fear of losing my license, or worse yet... hurting someone.

Sometimes we need to rev up our recovery a bit & not let it coast on its own.

K.

[magic]

I can't remember

Then sit down and focus. Those memories are there nestled in a synapse somewhere.

Write those memories down if you have to. Don't forget that pain, ever. Ever.

Remember it so well that you can "bring it back" at a moments notice.

The thought of a drink very occasionaly enters my thoughts. It is immediatley replaced with memories of my last drunk.

That was a long time ago.

My best,

magic xxx

[4theboyz]

I can't remember

Thanks a bunch everyone, all your thoughts are pointing me in the right direction. I sense I am having trouble remembering I suppose because all my past bad experiences I remember had "memorable" dramatic moments. I don't have that to fall back on with my drinking. I am trying to remember a relatively routine part of my life something which is actually quite sad to consider that a gallon of vodka a week is anything routine!

I did read some of my posts and I see the reasons I have stated for quitting but I guess I am really struggling with the why I drank. Why did I drink alone at night, why did I sneak the booze at every free moment of the day, why did I risk so much, my families safety and well being, my health, my career??? I am very uncomfortable with those questions and I'm even more afraid of those answers.

[Doggygirl]

I can't remember

Hi 4theboyz. For all of my MWO trolling today, I just now saw your post. Others have made great suggestions and great points. I would like to add just one additional idea - in case it has merit.

Substances like alcohol and nicotine are mind altering substances. I'm not much of a scientist - so I've done a lot more reading on the topic than I can do explaining on the topic! And maybe I got it wrong. I believe both nicotine and alcohol affect certain pleasure centers in our brains - physically. (I'm addicted to both, but now nictoine free for just over a year). The mind is complex, and my non-scientific theory is that it plays tricks on us. The Nicodemon in my mind plays nicotine tricks, and the Booze Beast plays alcohol tricks.

Isn't it a convenient trick to make you "forget" the bad thing(s) thant prompted you to take the pleasure delivery device away?

So anyway, I'm not sure it's possible to make a direct comparison of "memory" between remember a bad event in your life like falling through the ice, or getting divorced - those kinds of isolated incidents, and the "memory" of negative things that were directly related to our substance addictions. I'm sure they are connected in some ways, but I do believe some different and very real, physcial things are going on in our brains - in our "pleasure center" efforts to get a dang fix.

For whatever that notion is worth - which is probably not much!!

Well, me and my Booze Beast and my Nicodemon need to go get something to EAT!!

Nighty night...stay strong!!

DG
**

[aquamarine]

I can't remember

Hi 4theBoyz. I just read your post and can totally relate to what you are feeling. It's taken me a long to time to solidly realize that this "not remembering" is one of the biggest things that can keep pulling you down. I have found that you have to expect it to happen. That feeling of fear that makes you so resolute to not drink in the very beginning will go away ,or at least fade, for absolute sure. You have to see it coming and recognize it for what it is and don't let it fool you. It has gotten me many many times. It helps me to remember that although this is a "psychological" problem we are dealing with it is also a real physical organic one too. You do damage your brain with alcohol. This damage manifests itself in different ways. You have to give it alot of time to heal and respect the fact that your are dealing with something that needs to heal. If you broke your leg and it felt better in a few days you wouldn't go out and run on it because you would want it to heal completely. Even though you might be able to you would know that in the long run you are just damaging it more.I think in a way the forgetting is a good thing though. It forces you to not drink from a different place than fear. That might be a great place to get you pushed to start but ultimately is it the best most solid place to have enduring success. It forces you to dig a little deeper into yourself to approach the whole struggle you are taking on in a much more contemplative and holistic way that gives you a more solid footing. I hope this makes sense and helps a bit. Hang in there! Aquamarine

[Sunbeam]

I can't remember

Every time I feel my resolve fading, I go back and look at my list of the things I hate about drinking. It is long, and it helps me remember that day. I wrote the list Monday am (jan 28, 2008) while eating my daily oatmeal, typed it up when I got home from work, gave it to my husband when he got home from work. I searched Amazon that eve, found three books at Amazon including MWO, found this web site. I read all 3 books as soon as they were delivered the next week. And here I am! I have no trouble remembering this.

[livingfree]

I can't remember

How are you doing?

4TBz
Just checking in on you to see how you are doing - a couple of days can make a big difference. How was your weekend? I know it's not over - but just wanting to know if you are holding up ok. Stay strong buddy - Your on the inside lane of rounding a huge curve!! Keep running!

Liv

[Not Happy Hour-Happy Life]

I can't remember

For the Boys....

Role reversal in my house yesterday- I mowed the lawn, and hubby did the laundry (while watching sports on TV!) . As I was mowing the lawn, I was thinking about your post, and how our brain forgives our body. Yep, I think it's human nature to forget the pain....

And then, I thought... your name is For the boys.... more than one, right?

Well, I have four children, because my brain played that forgiveness trick on me! Can we do a little role reversal? Without a doubt, pregnancy is a wonderful experience, but giving birth is another story full of grunts, pain, medicine, curses, and vows of "NEVER AGAIN!" ...uch: Time passes and the brain forgets, and a couple of years later when the thought of baby 2 seeps into your brain, the pain and agony with childbirth is forgotten and replaced by wonderful thoughts of little baby kicks and hiccups. It's not until THE second birthday starts that you remember what you forgot! :whee:

(Obviously, my memory sucks because I had baby 3 and baby 4, too....:egad: )

Anyway, hope all is well. Take care :heart:~

[4theboyz]

I can't remember

My gosh, it is overwhelming at times to re-read not only what I write here but also these words of all you wonderful caring people as well...really makes this all so worthwhile.


I am starting to remember.


All the work around the house I have completed in such a relatively short time is a huge reminder of all those productive moments stolen away over all these years by that "just one" glass of vodka. My wife even commented this evening as I was mulching the leaves in the yard how productive I am these days. It's a fair but heavy trade for those really nice moments we used to have together on our front swing relaxing and sipping our martinis.

I am also trying to be grateful for these new and awesome one on one moments with my boyz and all the while trying not to hate myself too much for them having to assimilate a fathers love and the booze on my breath all these years. This by far is my least favorite memory.

I should get an award for my mastery at deception and at the same time it is more than a small miracle I am here without a rap sheet, loss of job or marriage. I still am amazed that I never took the time to oil that squeaky hinge on the liquor cabinet, hah, I was too lazy to do even that!!!

Speaking of marriage...wow, those are toughies but suffice to say I am blessed with a very loving and wonderful wife who deserves all that I can now give her. No worries there I know she will not let me forget these!! (for the record, no infidelity and no abuse other neglect I suppose by my keeping a distance so she would smell the booze on my breath)

The pain I now remember and feel in my heart and throughout my body over the senseless struggle I've had over AL is almost more than I can handle sometimes. I think,...no... *I know* I have already paid too high a price for what AL has already put me through and that my friends, I *will* never forget!

PS: Everyone in my family is so much more relaxed and there is no more yelling! It is hard to believe and hard to deny and harder to admit I was the reason for all that. What a jerk!

**** I am so sorry

[Helensback]

I can't remember

Dear "4theboyz"

Thank you for that last post. I forget too. I think that I'm "okay now" and all is well after I don't have a drink for 2 or 3 days...."I must be okay if I can drink water after work for 2 days in a row.."

I don't "remember my life" for the past 34 years unless I have to.

Aquamarine says:

"You do damage your brain with alcohol. This damage manifests itself in different ways. You have to give it alot of time to heal and respect the fact that your are dealing with something that needs to heal. If you broke your leg and it felt better in a few days you wouldn't go out and run on it because you would want it to heal completely."

I just need to give it more than a few days or a week or even a month. I have lived with AL in my brain for 34 years out of 48.

Holy crumb.

And, "lord help me jesus, I've wasted it - so help me jesus, I know what I am."

THAT'S what scares the shit out of me.

Helen

[HopefulNow]

I can't remember

AMEN, Helensback.

-HopefulNow