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**dexterhead** · March 18, 2008, 06:49 PM

I'm broke

Oh Marisa, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I don't know anything about Topa. just wanted to say, i've been there on the wanting to die. it definitely sounds like your hubby has an issue too. have you two talked about a plan? I hope someone else comes with more advice (my ex was not really a drinker). hugs to you.

**universal** · March 18, 2008, 06:50 PM

I'm broke

Oh honey, It sounds like you are in a rough spot..........i'm sorry I just saw this now. From what you said, it sounds like the hubby drinks too?

Okay, question is this.......how much do you drink? The fact that you are talking about taking your own life when you have a child scares me........do you have any supports that you can lean on? Please pm me if you want, I am worried about you. This doesn't sound like a good situation, I am glad you went to an AA meeting on Sunday, did it help?

**hulagirl** · March 18, 2008, 06:55 PM

I'm broke

Hey Marisa, Yep you have your work of life, marriage, family, health cut out for you. You know what you need to do and I believe that's why you and all of us are here. Please hang out here as much a possible. There are a lot of people at MWO that want to help you. I have not taken the supplements or drugs, even though there are times when I thought I should have to be successful. So I can not advise you on topamax. From what others have said there is not ONE answer to why we drink and how we choose to stop drinking. If I were you, I would just look the other way about hubby's drinking. (I do). You have to take care of yourself so that you can take take care of your kids. Don't make it a competition with him. "I'll stop if you stop", or "How can I stop if you don't" or "I stopped, why can't you" Just take him out of the blame game and take care of yourself. One thing at a time and I really believe that one thing for you right now is try to not drink today.

**Prest4time** · March 18, 2008, 07:09 PM

I'm broke

Hi DiscoverMarisa,

I'm sorry that happened. Were you drinking before you chose to go out on the family night together by yourself? I very much understand that alcohol impairs our ability to make good decisions. I am sure your husband was probably not only dissapointed/ angry that you went out on the family night to be together and left him home with the children, but then to continue to drink after coming home and be passed out and unable to care for the kids. Listen.... I am not passing any judgement here at all, but I hope that you understand that your husband is probably terrified. I am sorry that he too seems to be battling this beast as that probably does not help you.

Have you considered taking Antabuse? I know others here who are taking it and it just takes that "option" to drink off the table if you feel you are unable to control your decisions to drink even while sober. Are you taking Topamax or Campral?

I hope that you can get things turned around soon and everyone is here to support you. Your children are watching you like a hawk and your actions speak louder than words. Just remember they have been given to you as a gift, so please do all that you can to get the help you need because they deserve a Mom who is there for them.

Hope you feel better soon, and I hope you choose to hang out here and talk and share tonight instead of drinking. So many of us have been right where you are, and the best thing about being at rock bottom is the only way out is up!

Wishing you all the best!

P4T

**Suzanna** · March 18, 2008, 07:35 PM

I'm broke

Hi Discovermarissa, I hope you do stay around, and I hope you take P4T's advice on getting AF for yourself and your children. They need you, they look to you with their beautiful faces and want you to make it all okay. What hubby does is unimportant. Your topamax should kick in soon, are you following the titrate schedule outlined in the book? Stay here too, we do care about you. :h Suz

**tlrgs** · March 18, 2008, 08:28 PM

I'm broke

hi there. isn't it nice to get a second chance. you have one so do the right thing.
be there for your kids and do this for you and them. good luck

**Breez** · March 18, 2008, 08:38 PM

I'm broke

Hi-

I just want to say-Topa is not a miracle drug. What you put in is what you get out. When I went on Topa last year & began my AF journey I prepared myself mind, body & soul. I put 100 % + into it. I didn't expect miracles. What I did expect was a new chance at life. Sobriety is not for sissies. I didn't expect Topa to end my drinking-it was just an aide. Remember-what you put in is what you get out.

Good luck. I wish you success.

**AMELIA** · March 19, 2008, 02:46 AM

I'm broke

Hey Marisa,
Sounds like you are both in a tough position and you've got some serious habits to change (both of you).
Have you got the Kudzu too? I am not taking topa at the moment, but loads of Kudzu and it seems to be working OK.
Keep posting as often as you can. Try not to mix pills with booze....it's a really dangerous combo.
Let us know how you get on honey.
x

**Lucy Van Pelt** · March 19, 2008, 07:51 AM

I'm broke

Hi Marissa-

It sounds to me like your family is really at a point of crisis. Reading between the lines, if you don't get help ASAP you may loose your family. I don't say that to scare you, but I think the time to act is now. I don't know how much or how often you drink, but if your drinking last weekend is kinda typical, you may need help getting off the booze. It is also REALLY hard to stop drinking when your spouce is drinking. I don't have a husband who drinks, and didn't drink enough to have serious withwdrawl but still could not do it on my own (or with Campral, Topa or AA- Those help lots...but I was unable to fight the mental desire). For me, I had to go on Antabuse...a drug that makes you sick IF you drink. It was either that or rehab for me.

If you have withdral, you may need detox/rehab. It sounds like your family (in-laws) etc. already know all about your drinking...so you really have nothing to hide. You may want to seriously consider an in-patient program to get you started. I am not in your shoes, so I can't speak directly to your issues, but this is just what I am hearing from your post.

Either way, I can tell you that ONCE you get to the place where you are able and willing to stay AF, life does change dramatically!! My husband is away for a few days, and I am able to watch movies with my son at night, have dessert with him, discuss school, and go to bed HAPPY (as opposed to not remembering it at all) and wake up with a smile on my face (and one on my son's as well). Before, with hubby away, it was "party time" (i.e., drinking all by myself in hiiding...yeah, real fun).

Wishing you the best

Beth

**flasht75** · March 19, 2008, 01:34 PM

I'm broke

Marissa,
Your story sounds frighteningly similar to mine years ago. A psych doc put me on Effexor and Ambien and guess what? I kept drinking and eventually ended up getting divorced. I wish I'd known about Topomax way back then. The divorce ended up being the right decision...but the Effexor definitely didn't curb my urge to drink because it does work on your norepinephrine which would be your anxiety receptors. I'm not a doc but just be careful with that antidepressant! You are crying out for help anyway, I think you really need a counselor to talk to and you should to to someone ASAP! The topomax should help within a few days. But your body is physically going through a lot and your mind too. I feel your pain! I think I've been through a lot of similar things so if you want to PM me feel free!
Tanya

**discovermarisa** · March 19, 2008, 01:43 PM

I'm broke

Hi all,

OK so I made through the night...and it wasn't bad at all. As soon as I told myself NO...it was over. I sat and watched a movie with the family all snuggled up on the couch. it was nice for me. I always do this with the kids, but ussually I'm drunk and don't remember. Anyway, I feel terrible today. Day four for me. Day 1 & 2 SUCKED. Day three I felt great. Today not so much. I guess I'll keep chugging along.

PS Thank you guys so much for responding to me. Sometimes I feel so alone.

Marisa

Oh and Tanya I am also on Effexor. I don't think it helps me much.

**AMELIA** · March 19, 2008, 05:22 PM

I'm broke

Hey Marisa,
Day 4 has been hard for me before as well. But you can do it honey. Heck, you have 3 days under your belt already.....keep yourself busy, drink loads of water or tea....
Go for a walk, post here, do whatever. It will get easier.
The vitamins and Kudzu really do help if you take those too.
x

**Noelle** · March 20, 2008, 01:11 AM

I'm broke

Hi Marisa.....sweetie, you are not alone if you keep coming back here. There are lots of people here just waiting to help you, okay? Try and take the help and things will get a lot easier.

**indiamike57** · March 20, 2008, 08:03 AM

I'm broke

Marissa -

The advice posted so far has IMHO been dead one. I can only add I am on Antabuse and find it amazing. Knowing I cannot drink or I will get violently ill makes the decision simple. And with 45 days AF under my belt, I can now think more logically as well. Drs say it does not affect the cravings but for me it has for I have had none.

Just remember, One Day at a Time (ODAT) ...that's what you are working on for you and your kids. ODAT.

Erin

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