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[jinja]

Yes, I?m sorry I have been drinking! Not loads!!!

Trying to understand why I want to leave??.. leave this world. I?m not suicidal, not in the act. But by God, I want to leave. I know the effects of AL are morose, but I truly don?t want to exist any more. Have felt for a long time when I drink. To erase my existence and be at peace. Please give me peace! I have two girls 7 & 5. Impossible

Previously oblivion.

But the sensation of no more???..peace & tranquillity.

I just don?t understand! I am trying so hard, but just want to disappear!!

But to even erase my total existence??? Ohhh, If I could.

x

[tlrgs]

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sorry that you feel that way right now. but you are doing the right thing by coming here and venting it out.. yes i have felt the same at one point in time . and it has all change it just takes time . you have alot in life to live for your kids ,you ..yeah things dont look good right now but drinking doesnt help anything at all just get you depress so keep on writing down how you feel it will help . and there is of thing that you can try go to AAmeetings. to just be able to talk with someone . but please stay close to the site . and stay busy what ever it takes .. good luck and remember you can do this if not for you just for your kids hug them love them and it will all get better with time ...
peace ,love and god bless

[Dolly Sunshine]

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I understand I have felt that way for years with or w/out AL. Some of us are just sad. The only thing that keeps me here at times are my kids. I'm glad you are here

[louise]

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I too have often wished I could just go to sleep and not wake up. I would drink to feel better, which I did in the moment but then the next day I would be even more depressed. When I manage not to drink for several days I start getting less depressed. I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Are you getting any help for depression? If you can please put away the drinks and hang out here or contact a friend.

[brittzak]

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I think many of us can relate to you. I have been so depressed at times I didn't think I could take another breath. Keep posting, hang in there. Your children need you.

[Finding My Self]

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Jinja - just sometimes we can feel like this when we are actually getting somewhere, progressing .....it's not that we totally want to disappear but that we want the 'us' we were to move on, go away, leave once and for all - to leave room for the new us to start loving life..... And a sort of impatience sets in..... until it naturally happens and we find ourselves sort of in a new field, closing the gate on the old one once and for all....

Hang in there, love....it so could be 'change' and change feels weird, odd, not-very-nice but is, after all, what we have to do to leave this drinking lark behind us. It's only 'unfamiliar' - not truly wrong even if it feels it.

Keep smiling (even if you don't feel like it, it helps the inner chemistry) and I hope you feel better soon.

Keep us posted.

Love
FMS xx

[jinja]

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I am ok in myself, coming off ADs but feeling this way 'numbed up' for a while. Just trying to 'understand' why ! Yes, maybe a primary makeup of self. Just so over whelming when so much joy is shouting at me and I am not wanting?

I weep for my children - maybe they are souls to teach me?

Why is this so f%#$@^ hard?

[hippie37]

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Hi Jinja. Pick yourself up off the floor and get your arse over here to the UK and come and see ya uncle hippie who'll ease all your troubles away!!!.lol

If only life was that simple hey? Life? what the f***'s it all about?

I personally find that being alcoholic I tend to be self centred and I think the world revolves around ME. When I was growing up and strengthening my ideals there was a point where after those ideals where questioned my life took on a very negative approach. I couldn't see anything but all the horrible shit that was going on around me and I took it personally. I so wanted to change things but I couldn't and I eventually falsely got pleasure out of a misconceived idea that I was making a difference by being angry and bitter and drunk. At least I was doing something and getting pissed all the time!! "I'll show them!!" kind of attitude. The problem I've found recently is that I've been trying too hard to re-live those good times, before the insanity set in, rather than re-awaken them and get in touch with who I really am at this moment in time. Soul-searching can be very hard I think,(well it was for me!) as I had to start getting honest with myself first. I've not done that over a lot of things and until I really let go of my past I will never move forwards and be happy. Happiness is not something you find either...it finds YOU.

Jinja pm me if you need to and we can maybe have a chat if you want.

Love and Happiness
Hippie
xx

[louise]

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I have dealt with depression in myself and other family members for years. Sometimes there is a "why" that triggers it, like some sort of loss. But I think some people are just predisposed to it - don't have enough of certain brain chemicals. There are times I have gotten depressed and had no idea what triggered it. 5 days without sun will do it even if all else is great. I'm sure you have a good reason for going off antidepressants but you may want to check with your dr. Some of what you are feeling may be because of going off too quickly. Is he/she going to switch you to a different one? It WILL get better. Exercise helps a lot. And yes, we all have much to learn from kids.

[dexterhead]

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Hi Jinja: I have felt like that on and off for years. Antidepressants helped me feel "Ok" for the first time, but of course later on I started drinking too much and negating their effects. I think many of us on this site have many of the same issues ... I am so sorry you are going through this.:l:l

[Doggygirl]

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Hi jinja. I'm glad you came here to talk about your feelings. Feeling like you don't want to live sounds scary to me. I hope you will keep reaching out to people here, but also talk to your doctor. Your kiddos would be lost without you!

:l

DG

[Dolly Sunshine]

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How are you doing? I'm terrible with time zones but am thinking of you.

[Muddle]

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I've struggled since I was a teenager with the feeling of just wishing I didn't have to be here. And agree with Lousie that sometimes there seems to be a trigger and sometimes not--just overwhelming sadness and hopelessness. I recently started on anti-depressants again, but it's not really helping. I asked my dr. if I could take the anti-depressants that helped me years ago, and she said to give it another month (Been on this one for several months already.)

Sorry, not trying to make this post about me. I'm just one more voice that understands some of what you are going through and wish there was an answer. However, it won't stay this bad forever, the fog does lift. And to echo the other comments, your children love and need you. Hang in there . . .

[Lucy Van Pelt]

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jinja-

I too have felt this way, at times. I wonder if many people do. I felt it most when my kids were little and I was thrown into single mom-hood, and it really scared me. Of course, I knew I would not act on it because of my kids... amazing what our kids will do for us, huh?

The only thing I can say is this: drinking doesnt help this feeling. And, the feeling does not last forever. And when it leaves, we are so glad it left, and realize how amazing life is. I.e. the sunrise, are children's smile, etc.

Hang on...life can be wonderful...even when it doesnt seem like it will ever be.

glad you could be open here...that is what this place is about

with love,

Beth

[hippie37]

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Morning jinja!

jinja;341925 wrote: I am ok in myself, coming off ADs but feeling this way 'numbed up' for a while. Just trying to 'understand' why ! Yes, maybe a primary makeup of self. Just so over whelming when so much joy is shouting at me and I am not wanting?

I weep for my children - maybe they are souls to teach me?

Why is this so f%#$@^ hard?

Morning jinja. How are you today? Check in and let us know how things are hun.

I kind of had my suspicions it may be something to do with the Anti-depressants but was unsure how long you had been off them. I experienced a 'slump' about 2 weeks after I took my last tablet. My GP warned me this could happen and it's probably why when I first enquired about coming off them he advised otherwise. He could see I was clearly not ready to deal with any of these side effects he had explained and he was fearful I would end up in a worse state of depression than I already was. Thankfully when the time WAS right I did manage to get through it but WAS aware I was feeling a little 'off' shall we say!!.

At this point as well I was learning to Cognitively challenge my thoughts and feelings which helped immensely and I didn't let things spiral out of control. I can deal with a few things this way but generally I'm just the type of person who 'thinks' with his heart and not his head. I think that's just a part of who I am and probably where I get my inspiration from too. (as do many other 'artistic' types no doubt).

Anyway jinja send us a PM when you read this; if only a few short lines.

Love and Happiness
Hippie
xx