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Here I am again. :0(

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    #1

    Here I am again. :0(

    Hello all,
    I was on here sometime ago adn did ok for a while and being a SAHM I got side tracked and lost touch here.
    Unfortunately I've also started up by bad habits again.:upset: I haven't gone without a drink in months and I'm feeling so miserable, disgusting, angry, confused. I've been seeing a therapist but he's not helping. "Just quit" he tells me....sigh...if it were only that easy.
    I know why I drink, out of boredom, low self-esteem etc...but I feel so bad about myself. Even though I workout watch what I eat and take care of myself I still feel horrible.
    I'm getting anxious now going into social settings,even taking my daughter to the park freaks me out because I feel very uncomfortable around other women, they tend to be very snooty and snobish.
    I also was seeing a Psychiartrist after a suicide attempt and she gave me Lorazepam to help me through the fist few days of "detox" but then refused to give me anymore because of my "addictive personality". The funny thing is I only took it whne I need it and NEVER had a urge to drink while on it, she refused a refill, (Only gave me 10) and I went right back to old faithful.
    We've moved and I tried new AA groups but like last time, they are not for me. I'm sorry to go on I just need to write this down somewhere I feel SO SO alone right now. I feel like I'm walking around with this horrible, disgusting monster inside of me and I want it to go away. I'm kind of hungover this morning, I HATE feeling like this. Sorry, I just had to get this out I'm beginnig to worry there is no hope my husband of 10 years is abuot fed up with it all and I don't want my daughter to have a mommy like this. :upset:
    Thanks for listening.
    Sobriety is like my avatar. It was always right there in front of me but I couldn't see it!
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    #2
    Here I am again. :0(

    Hi Cuddles....this is just my 2nd day with this forum, so needless to say, an expert I am not!! However, sometimes just getting plugged in again with a place like this where you are supported instead of judged can be a great start. It CAN be different for you....and all of us....but it starts with a commitment. I wish you all the best and feel free to visit me...
    Renewal

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      #3
      Here I am again. :0(

      Renewal, THANK YOU so much!! I feel so low right now. I'm only 13 hours sober and am just scared to death. I want to put this thing to an end for good this time. I'm sick of the slip ups and the binges, it's getting REALLY old. If I felt this disugsted all the time not drinking would be a piece of cake, but usually by day 3 the feeling is gone and I'm buying beer.
      I'm sticking to this board like glue though, it REALLY helped me before and I know it will help me again.
      Again, thank you so much!
      Sobriety is like my avatar. It was always right there in front of me but I couldn't see it!

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        #4
        Here I am again. :0(

        hi there cuddles.. you are not alone .. and yes it is easy just to quit i did it cold turkey without any meds yes it is hard but doable .. you have alot to lose if you give in look at whats around you .your family yourself . and you have to want to quit for yourself . no one can do it for you ..look deep within yourself and you will find what you need to do it .. and keep on writing. learning and dont give up..
        peace,love and god bless
        :beach: life does change as long as you are willing to change yourself ..
        best thing about the future it comes one day at a time..

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          #5
          Here I am again. :0(

          Hi again Cuddles...hey, I know I'm REAL NEW to all this, but I did just start a new thread (Newbies Unite) to try and make it easier for all of us new people to band together. I know you've done this before, but you're a newbie right now, so I'd love for you to join me there if you'd like....hang in there....you're NOT alone in this.......Renewal

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            #6
            Here I am again. :0(

            Thank you tlrgs, I know I just have to put my mind to it and stop this insanity before I do lose everything. Hubby is about to snap I know he doesn't trust me or belive me anymore when I tell him I'll quit, I've done it for 10 years now and NOW is the time to finally do it.

            Renewal, thanks for starting that other thread, I will follow it closely! :0)
            Sobriety is like my avatar. It was always right there in front of me but I couldn't see it!

            Comment

              #7
              Here I am again. :0(

              Hi Cuddles,

              I think you are doing the best thing you can at this minute and that is to get settled back in here. It sounds as though you are in a position to take a good hard look at where you have put yourself with your drinking and how much is at stake. Meaningful change in your life will not happen unless you yourself really *really* want it. Just knowing what you are doing not only to yourself but your family is just not enough and you need to see your future with them free of AL once and for all. Enough goofing around, take a deep breath, visualize AL gone for good, make it your goal and just do it!

              I know how hard this is and my heartfelt support is out there for you.

              Good luck kiddo!
              Is Addiction Really a Disease?
              Watch this and find out....
              http://youtu.be/ekDFv7TTZ4I

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                #8
                Here I am again. :0(

                Hi cuddles,

                Oh...you and I are just alike! I am too a stay at home Mom and am afraid to leave my house without anyone else just for fun...I push/pull and shove my way out with kids! What is up with that? So good for you for going outside for help...so far I have not and my kids are 15 & 13! Yikes! I live in my own zombie land with my Kids coming home, starting to notice(or starting to complain, yell, scream, then not talk.....I an sure they noticed all along)...and hubby (of 18 years) at his wits end!

                We need to do this...i am not sure how! But we do need to do this! there is a great wonderful life out there waiting to be lived

                Lets try and do it together!
                Hugs, Bambi
                "When you believe in a thing, believe in it all the way, implicitly and unquestionable." -- Walt Disney

                Comment

                  #9
                  Here I am again. :0(

                  Hey Cuddles
                  Please do me a favour and read the "Sad but Hopeful" by aceofbase under the Just Starting Out Forum. He has an amazing story but everyone chips in and you hear all sorts of encouragement. I add my own little bit in under the name of "Dixie" so you get a little background on me. Have since changed my user name as you can see to "time2fly" and I am as felt I needed something more positive! Anyway, I found him a complete inspiration and was completely driven to succeed. Got the book, the supps, the Topo, the head was 100% clear. Got to day 36 of being AF and went to a dinner party thinking, "dont want to appear boring" and the wheels fell off!!! That was 6th June!!! Been up to my old tricks since then. Feeling like crap but functional and hiding it well. I found the cravings a lot stronger this time around for some reason so have upp'd the topo to 200mg (100 in the am and 100 at 5pm) and had no cravings last evening so keeping positive for tonight. So tonight will be DAY 2 AF . Have you considered using the Topomax? Have also joined Renewals thread. He's definitely determined to beat this and is determined as all hell to help if he can to help anyone else which is so admirable. Its just amazing the amount of support that you find here but never ever forget, we are ALL in the same boat. My line of thinking was that if I didnt get it under control I was going to losemy husband, my kids and then ultimately my life. Big hug to you. Lets beat this as a team x

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