I am so mad at myself.......

[universal]

Hi guys......

Okay, this is stupid.......but I need to vent.....

So. I started dating my BF in October of 2006. In the summer of 2007 he basically treated me like crap.....treated me more like a #$# friend than a GF. But I stuck by him. Anyway, since January of this year things have been amazing but I haven't really gotten over the way he treated me last summer. My therapist says I need to discuss this with him which I know I do but I just haven't gotten up the courage to do so yet.

Anyway, last summer he went on a boating trip with a couple of friends, I found out after that another girl went as well, it upset me, I knew that she liked him blah, blah. whatever. Well last night I found emails from last summer that his friend had sent him that had basically shown that they had planned this whole thing so that he and this other girl could be together. Shared sleeping quarters the whole nine yards. I know they didn't have sex because my BF and I had discussed this last year after I had found out they were on the boat together because I had found an email that they had kissed and I believe him that this is all that happened but he had also told me that it was an accidental thing that they had all "happened to be on the boat together. Now I find out that it was planned. So while I do still believe that they didn't have sex, I am feeling really upset because we had been dating then for 9 months and he basically had planned to be with another girl for a weekend. Like i said, he treated me horribly last summer, things have been great for the past 7 months but i need him to acknowledge how awful and hurtful he was to me last year and to apologize before I can move on in this relationship. When we met he had just gotten out of a long term relationship so I can appreciate that maybe he we got together too soon and maybe he needed some time to "sow his wild oats" so too speak before getting into something else. I just wish he would have been honest with me instead of acting like we were in a relationship if he needed time to figure out what he needed, you know? I don't know, I'm rambling here. It just hurt. Last summer hurt. I guess I just need to get over it. I dont' know. Sorry for the ramble. Just need to vent I guess.

[lukalee]

I am so mad at myself.......

I think you're going to get a lot of different opinions here. Do you think you might be sabotaging a good thing? You stuck with this man when he was a complete jerk. He treated you like a *&^% buddy; maybe that was what it was at the time; it was ONLY 9 months and a year ago. Your relationship has developed, and you state things are going really great.
You said that you don't think he had sex with her, so continue to believe that and let it go. Honestly, if a guy I was dating came to me about something that happened a year ago when our relationship was first developing, I would question the integrity of the relationship. I would always be looking for the what next?

[universal]

I am so mad at myself.......

Thanks guys for your responses - Lukalee - I hear you. I know what you mean about the what next. I think the reason why it is hard for me to let go is that last summer he verbalized that he loved me and that we were in a relationship yet his actions spoke differently.........so I guess there in lies the hurt and the confusion. I dont' know. I do understand what you are saying. The internalization in my mind is hurting as part of me wants to just let it go but the other part of me can't because I do feel really betrayed and I'm just not sure what to do.

Anyone else have any opinions? Please feel free to share them, I'd really like to hear your thoughts, good or otherwise.

thanks,
Uni

[lukalee]

I am so mad at myself.......

Uni, I just speak this way because I am the same exact way. I know how it is to want to let things go, but it just reels in the mind. Even though you have this new information, you knew about the lie a year ago. I can't imagine the pain of carrying something that long. Well I can because I do, but I just think that people shouldn't have the power to make us feel so bad.

[Guest]

I am so mad at myself.......

I think you should get it out in the open before it really eats at you and it's all you can think about it. My past marriage was filled with lots of secrets, there was no communication and just a lot of misunderstanding which turned into nothing but resentment. If it's bothering you, you should talk to him about it. So what if it was last summer, you're still hurt and you want answers.

[AAthlete]

I am so mad at myself.......

Gia hit the nail on the head...

By keeping it inside of you and not telling him how you feel you can build up a ton of resentments, which can affect your life in lots of bad ways. I would sit down with him and tell him exactly how you feel without bringing up the email thing. It is all connected with the same event and you need to talk about what happened and have him understand how you feel. His response will say wonders to where his head is at now - and it will then be up to you to choose to forgive or to move on. That is something you'll need to figure out on your own....

[jessie]

I am so mad at myself.......

This is definitely going to provoke a lot of different responses. I would be very concerned about his integrity - Is/was he basically an honest person? Who then made a mistake. This is your life - a bad relationship can ruin a lot of that life for you.
All the best.

[universal]

I am so mad at myself.......

Hi Jessie,

I think that he is basically an honest person...I am hoping for a lot of different responses as I am kind of in a turmoil as to different ways to handle it. I have had a lot of pain in relationships in the past and as a 34 year old woman I am looking for others experience to help me best decide the appropriate way to approach this with him as I do know that I need to discuss it. I think not letting him know that I saw things on his computer is probably best but i do think that I do need to discuss it with him as it is eating me up inside. Thank you so much everyone for your responses and advice, you have really helped me.

[universal]

I am so mad at myself.......

Do you guys think I should let him know what I saw? Or just talk to him about the fact that I haven't forgotten about the pain from last summer? What do I do?

[Guest]

I am so mad at myself.......

Personally, I think if you have something to say, just say it to him. Get it all out; if the email bothers you...bring it up. If you don't it will nag on you later and you'll still think about it. You have to find some closure in this. You don't want it to tear you apart. You will hear things you don't want to hear, and they will probably hurt but you have to find some inner peace in this. And by the sounds of it, you want answers to your questions.

[lukalee]

I am so mad at myself.......

Uni, did you come across these emails because you were "snooping". If so, there is surely a trust issue going on. Dig deep. Is it because of what he did, or of because of past hurt? We need to be rid of past hurt before we can fix anything in the present.
If it is because of him, tell him you saw the email. Explain how you felt which led to reading them.

[vera-b]

I am so mad at myself.......

Uni,

I may be all wet, but here's some thoughts I think there are some common themes here. The first is to be open and honest. It's the foundation of any good relationship. If you snooped his email, come clean. Tell him you had lingering doubts about his summer activity and that's why you snooped. I think a sincere apology for snooping should probably follow the confession. Trust cuts both ways, and we all need to honor the privacy of even our closest loves.

Is it time to have the discussion about where the relationship is going? If the 2 of you truly have a future, there really shouldn't be some old baggage that could pop its ugly head up when you least want it to. I think your therapist has you on the right track (I read this on the other thread). Clear the air, enjoy a special event (make a particularly romantic dinner, or go out) and keep coming here. Because a whole lot of people who have left the drinking train are finally seeing all the wonderful people in this world, and you're one of them.

V.

[universal]

I am so mad at myself.......

K - we talked, i didn't tell him about the email but I did confess my fears etc......I did tell him how much he hurt me last summer and how upset I was about the boat and the "other woman".
He completely acknowledged how badly he treated me, completely acknowledged that back then he wasn't ready for anything serious, should have been more respectful of my feelings. He still adamantly refuses that nothing happened between them (which I believe) but does admit that he was curious about her. Which is fair. I knew that, just needed him to admit and acknowlede it.
So I feel better. He is with me, he was honest, he acknowledged my fears and my feelings, talked them through with me, didn't get angry, resentful or upset about me bringing them up, was actually sad that I was feeling that way and was glad that I was willing to talk to him about it.

I think I have a good guy.

thanks guys for all of your help and for listening to me vent. I appreciate all of your advice. Means a lot to me. Love you all,
uni

[lukalee]

I am so mad at myself.......

Excellent!!! I am so glad you are feeling much better!!!

[Bessie]

I am so mad at myself.......

Sorry I'm so late to this one but I'm glad I came in at the happy 'ending'. I know you will probably always be vulnerable to this but you did a great thing in talking your feelings through with him and he rose to the occasion for you! clap hands emoticon would be inserted here if I could find it! But I can find this one.... :l