I am just a basket case

[Lucy Van Pelt]

OK... Don't even know why I am posting this, except I just don't know what to do, other than give up... I have been a member here for 2 years, and done litterally everything suggested. Before this, I have gone to AA, including about 11 years ago, when I did literally everything they suggested. I am at the end of my rope. I have tried everthing I can think of to combat this horrible disease. But here I am, after drinking waaaay to much tonight (a pint of hard alcohol) and I just don't know what else to do...I am clearly, I think, a functional drunk, not that this matters, but, it is what it is.

I don't know it anyone here has advice for me, but I am so frustrated, you have no idea.

I am feeling like..."ugh, just give up fighting this" because I have faught it so hard, for so long. I am getting tired of fighting it. But what are my options??? To just give in to being an alcoholic?? for the rest of my life???

OK so here is my issue.

Any advice would be great. My fear is I am no going to hear anything new...

Sorry to be down.

Beth

[Dazedandconfoosed]

I am just a basket case

When is the last time you pulled the football away from Charlie Brown at the last second? You may need to do that and watch him go flying.

Seriously. My best wishes, I am just starting myself and can only tell you that I wish you the best. You could try the ER. They will give you ativan and IV fluids while you lay in bed and watch TV.

[time2change]

I am just a basket case

Oh Beth I am so sorry that you are still struggling. I so wish I could give you a magic pill that would make this go away, but I can not. I can only tell you that you are too special to just give up.
I too struggled for well over a year (although not a member the whole time) before this AF streak I am on. I will never say I have beat it because I know too well that I will always need to be on guard. My point is that I felt exactly the way you did for well over a year. It is heartbreaking.
I also know that you must continue to fight this. I know that you have antabuse and I know that you choose not to take it at times. You may no longer have an option. You must do whatever it takes to beat this. You have a great family and while you must do this for you, they deserve to have you there for them and at your best.
I know that you know all of this but I need to remind you that you must fight. you must use any and all tools that you can to continue to fight.
Beth, I am here for you anytime. If you want to have lunch or talk we can do that anytime. I'll Pm you my cell number in case you don't still have it. Please call if you need to and keep fighting.
Patti

[madge22]

I am just a basket case

Dear Beth - please don't give up even if that feels like the way to go. The fact that you are online and have asked for help tells me that you are still fighting... a little weak at the moment, but fighting back. An article that has helped me a lot is at Shambhala Sun - How We Get Hooked and How We Get Unhooked

This past week for me has been such an eye opener. After many, many years of severe but functional drinking I realized that my health was going fast. A few months of chemotherapy will do that to you, added to 10 months of "chemo light" that damaged my heart. I 'suddenly' realized in just the past few weeks that if I didn't curb my drinking seriously I would not live another year... I am quite serious. I know in my heart (literally) that if I don't stop/moderate I will not be here next year at this time. I am on two medications for my blood pressure, I am seriously overweight (despite being a former athlete) and am pre-diabetic.

What did it for me? I stopped looking back. I stopped blaming my father for my unhappy and abused childhood. I stopped blaming my mother for abandoning me at 18 months to a chronic alcoholic. I stopped blaming the universe for being raised by aging grandparents, including my very depressed grandmother. I started "living in the now" (read Eckhart Tolle and Dr. Wayne Dyer) and seeing a new future for myself. I am now starting to feel much more inspired and hopeful... and exercising and eating properly and limiting alcohol big time... and read the MWO book and have ordered the full program - supplements and CDs... even without them I feel SO DIFFERENT already!

I was so depressed in February - May that I actively considered suicide. To have come this far back from that abyss is nothing short of a miracle. I now believe in miracles... you can too. Today may seem black and soggy... tomorrow could be your miracle. Open up to that possibility... dare to dream... we are all with you.

BIG HUGs, Mary

[CS04]

I am just a basket case

Beth,
I called Prest4Time this afternoon, left a message and shared what we talked about today. (It's her anniv. tonight so she is probably out with her hubby.) Based on my conversation with you, I have some renewed vigor. We are all too smart to let this beat us! WE need to come up with a plan so we can get out shit together. I told my hubby tonight that I thought I wanted to start another 30 Aug 1. So I can't (well should not) back down.

Let's keep talking and posting, and utilize our resources -- whatever they are. A new month starts in a few days! Don't despair.

xoxo
CS

[aplgrl]

I am just a basket case

Hey Lucy,
I too am a functioning drunk. New to this site and on antabuse for one month. While the drug helps to resist the urge to drink, I have had many AF days since being on it. I do find that I miss the act of drinking, the buzz, the happy hours, and the commoradity. This seems strange to me and I am seeing my doctor tomorrow.

Just wanted to share that we all have our struggles and you are not alone. I feel your pain and send a big hug :l Don't give up - you are worth it!
Aplgrl

[lucky 2.0]

I am just a basket case

Lucy,

I understand the struggle. Have you considered going to Lenair?

Madge,

Looking forward to reading the Shambala article.

Be well all!

[CS04]

I am just a basket case

I am barely functioning, it feels like. I have so many unpaid bills that I fear every day. I am not working very much this summer, and I am wondering if that is making things worse, and allowing me to slack (on the AL stuff -- don't have to work tomorrow? No problem drinking!) I always do better when challenged...and this summer I have been a sloth. The AL fight is certainly a challenge. though.

[Lucy Van Pelt]

I am just a basket case

Oh my God

I want to reply to all of you, but Madge, I feel I have to single you out. You are going through/have gone through chemo...and that is huge. You didn't say what your physical challenges are, but I hope/pray you are OK. Thank you so much for responding to me.

Thank you all who responded. I feel like I have no reason to complain...I am fortunate...I have a great husband, wonderful kids, etc.... In outside life, I am functional....very...phd...socially likable...bleh, bleh

Yet....with all I have...I am a complete loser when it comes to this....And I have been struggling for so long is is, quite frankly, disgusting.

I wont bore you with all I have done, but, boy, I have tried everything...really tried. So I am just sick of it..but what are my options??? I have none.

Ok...enough. I am going to bed. I have drank plenty tonight...as much as I have ever drank...So, now you all get what I am like when I drink...thoughtful, seemingly together, but I am drunk...and will wake up soooo sad about this tomorrow.

thank you to those who responded and those who are always there for me...

with love


Beth

[Ripple]

I am just a basket case

Lucy, when i read this from you i don't know how to respond? I've been getting into trouble myself and this almost makes me want to think its okay for me to go on drinking. i get energy and doo stoopid things, at least you go to bed. Good thing we don't hang out, thats all i can say. You will know when enough is enough.

[KateH1]

I am just a basket case

Beth,
I wish that I could tell you something that you don't already know. You are my dear friend and I want so much for you to break free of this! I can also tell you that I can relate to how you are feeling. For years I wanted to stop drinking, I tried AA, I even did the whole 90 meetings in 90 days thing. I tried different meetings etc and always felt like I was the "only one not getting it!". I left most meetings and came home to a drink or 5! For close to a year, prior to coming here, my drinking became nightly and the worst it had ever been! I did not think that I could make this work either. But, some how, so far, it is working.

Beth, please do not give up on yourself. You and I have talked about this, and we actually came to some conclusions that seemed like there might be some clearity there. If you want to talk again, call me anytime. Whatever you do, do not give up on yourself. I believe in you, we all believe in you......It is time you start believing in Beth, Too!!

Much Love,
XXX Kate

[ready2change]

I am just a basket case

Beth...I read your post, then pondered it for a bit. I am like you, and many more out there. I am tired of this battle and want more than anything for it to end. I, like you have always labeled myself a "functional" alcoholic. But now that I consider that, what exactly does that mean? Were not sloppy, homeless, falling down drunks, drinking out of a brown paper bag?

But are we really functioning? Or are we just scraping by? I am fortunate like you. I have a good job, a nice husband (who drinks unfortunately) by all standards I should be happy. But for some reason your post made me stand back and think about the label I have put on myself "functional" alcoholic.

I don't want to just function. I want to experience life, feel it, embrace it. I can't do that when I'm drinking or if not drinking, then I am hungover, barely able to function. I want more. And the only way I can get it is to muster everything I have to win this battle. I know it can be done, people do it here all the time. You can do it too.

What is it Beth wants? Why do you want to quit drinking? What problems has alcohol created for you? There must be a reason why you want to quit, if you feel like your functioning while drinking? For me, I know I can be so much more. I want to be so much more, not just muster thru the days in a fog, feeling physically and mentally like crap. I deserve more. And only I can give that to me. So I think you should give it some serious thought as to why you want to quit...and maybe that will give you some hope and insight as to the "how" to quit. I'm right there with you...I've been here about a year as well and am nowhere near where I want to be. But I WILL get there, and you can too...don't EVER give up.

Hugs...R2C

[cmhguy3]

I am just a basket case

Beth,

I can also so relate, great education, great job, life with all the trimmings...until I really "peer" and decide if I am functioning or not. As someone above pointed out, there has to be more or we would not be questioning our "functioning" or actions.

I have had several good stretches of being AF this year and I had recently fell back into my old pattern a few weeks ago, it is always the same, have one drink, then three, then two, then four and before I could pull back I was right back at it and binge drinking all last weekend.

I had a moment of clarity today when I woke up this morning on day two again of trying to be AL. When I start drinking again it is because the beast in my head tells me "you have quit before and if and when you have to, you can do it again!" I decided today that this had got to be the dumbest thinking I can have! And as I start the AF process again, it is starting to become apparent to me that staying sober has got to be better and easier then going thru this roller coaster of starting and stopping and the battle that we wage in our head about taking a drink.

DON'T GIVE UP!!! WE CAN DO THIS TOGETHER!

[DogLvr]

I am just a basket case

Beth - I am thinking of you and hope you feel much better tomorrow.

I read on someone's post here a few months ago that they made progress when they "stopped fighting and learned to surrender" - that re-framed my "fight" in my head and that helped me.

Go to chat when you are feeling challenged.

RTC - your post is inspiring and I need to remind myself everyday about it - I think I am going to post it on my bathroom mirror. - Thanks

[nancy]

I am just a basket case

Hi Lucy/Beth.

I really liked Madge's post, very inspiring and true.

I think you tried Antabuse and it worked didn't it? But you took time off for vacations and such and then fell to the booze beast again?

I think it's good to ask why you want to quit.

But what does alcohol do for you that makes you come back for more? You say that you have the perfect life on the outside and have all the things people should want. And you are functional alcoholic, which is good too. So is there some negative part of you that says that this good person isn't the real you? That you are actually not all that? Is that why you drink? If so, the problem is unlikely to go away.

What are the good feelings alcohol gives you and that you crave?

What other ways can you get those feelings and how can you move past them?

Or do you think at this point it is a physical addiction?

Also, you said you are functional, does that mean that the problem isn't creating huge problems in your relationships?

I think if you are functional in your alcoholism, your relationships are intact, you have a lot going for you already. I am not saying this to be some sort of enabler. I am saying it because I think that having overly harsh requirements of ourselves is a direct cause of alcoholism.