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[songbird]

Hi...I have been here before...back and forth...when they say this is a progressive thing, they are right...I am back to square one. The first time I tried to quit was the easiest...Now i feel like I am losing my mind, my health, my looks, hygeine, my family, friends, and boyfriend.


I can't even begin to quit without a dr..inpatient detox...I don't have the luxory of suffering in bed with supps right now...I got myself into a big jam...valium, vicodin, wellbutrin, heart pills sleeping pills, tranquilizers and more and more Al to just function every day...

I feel sick...I have to do all this stuff just to go to work and make a few bucks to fuel my addiction...Al made it all worse...I love my BF...he ridicules me for not being able to quit...I feel lost, lonley, and abandoned by EVERYONE...I lie to myself everyday when I drink wine secretly and appear normal! I have lost a lot of weight because Al is more importasnt than food

You know what sucks the most...if you have no insurance...no one cares. I'm not sure if I will make it this time...I can go to a 3-5 day detox, but we all know...that is not enough. If I had a friend or anyone who could take care of me for a few weeks I would be glad...I cannot do this alone and it is scary knowing you are not independent anymore because you are chained to a pill box and a bottle...I may as well be dead...no not suicidal...I am calling, waiting for call backs that never come...smiling and living as a dead woman who is praying for an angel.

Well, my job will be lost either way...Today, I almost felt good after 4 glasses of wine, valium, vicodin, and an allergy pill...I told myself "I can do this by myself" NO...that is Al talking...I quit ciggs one year ago and had an easier time of it...I almost feel hung over all the time and I can't drink enough to get the same results and my meds are monitered...

Question...does anyone feel this way? Should I go it alone? I am very resentful and full of anger because I have no back up anymore...all have lost faith...maybe I do want to die...but why am I so concerned...why am I killing myself?

[nancy]

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Hi Songbird

I think you need to try to look at this in pieces, rather than as a whole. Seems you have lost a lot but no point in dwelling on all that. Also, I bet lots of people on this site can relate to that and have come out of that dark place successfully. You can too. Do you still have a job but think you might lose it?

You don't have insurance?

I think you need to start coming here and logging in regularly. I am sure lots of people will support you. I haven't experienced the kind of issues with pills that you have but maybe someone will come and read and offer you some advice how to get off them.

I know things feel desperate and probably drinking feels good. But it makes everything 100 times worse. It physically makes you more depressed so it will be harder to get out of the hole.

Please hang in there and come back and post!

[A Work in Progress]

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Songbird, you say you have the opportunity to go to a 3-5 day detox? I'd say: Do it. Even if you think it's "not enough." You have to take this step by step, and that detox would be Step One. Let the folks who work with you there help you with what would be the next best steps. AA and NA are options, as well, and of course they are free. If you badly want to get free of these addictions, you will find ways, and the help you need will come to you.

best wishes,

wip

[Determinator]

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Songbird, welcome back. MWO helped me to save my own life and it can do the same for you. No miracles...but there are resources here to point you to your way. Ditto what AWIP said...do the detox. and then meet some people at AA, NA etc and network with them. come here and join a daily thread or two. I start my mornings on the daily thread in Monthy AB's and it's great. Just as things fell apart in pieces they will come back together the same way. Keep us up to speed on how your doing.

[Chelle12]

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Songbird - the detox is an excellent idea! You say that its not enough? But Hell, isnt it the first step up the ladder? Your body will have a chance to recover, and you have a chance to think clearly.
The anger and resentment is the AL talking and you drink more AL to numb those thoughts.. (been there, done that meself).... vicious circle... and the detox will break that circle, and give you a clear head to plan
All the Best,
C

[brittzak]

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I totally agree...you have mulitple addictions to detox from, detox is no joke. If you can have help, get it!!!!!!! Will you be cured in 3-5 days NOPE....we are never CURED. Stopping and learning to live agin is daily. Can you do it...YEP, many have here. Insurance or no insurance it is hard to get professional help for addiction. Society just does not accept there are people like us needing help. BUT, I believe there are enough of us to help each other. Go get detoxed, join a support group. I KNOW many do not believe in AA, but it will give you support and a place to go and get away from the booze. Many alcoholics have more than one vice. You will not feel alone there. Come here, read post.....you can do this.

[songbird]

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Thank you all. I feel like more of a taker rather than a giver...I am so confused. Thanx for the re-enforcement of detox. It is 9 a.m right now and I feel sick and ashamed to say sipping on awful tasting wine to feel better to go to work. Work is not too sympathetic...I am easily replaceable and after so many times crying wolf, they would be glad to have a reason to be rid of me...There are younger , more beautiful girls or women out there who are dying to see me fall. I am an entertainer and work at noon...at a bar (musician). I know, I know...the only other thing i know how to do is bartend or waitress...I used to be smart and at 45...my brain is mush. I can't even decide what to wear...well that may be normal.

I am in for a sick ride...I have detoxed before, but do have legitimate pain because of knee operations...I used to run. Running would be so nice right now if I didn't feel like throwing up.

They say it is dangerous to detox from valium and al at same time...does anyone know anything...I am waiting for a bed in a facility now...They are backed up...Maybe tomorrow. Thank you for the encouraging words...they are a lifeline to me at this critical point...

[akmom]

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songbird.....Go to the detox!! At the end of you you will be able to tell yourself look I made it 4 days. Then just take it one day at a time. Get up in the morning and plan to abstain from it all. Carry a schedule of meetings in your area in your purse. At any given time if you are feeling overwhelmed you can take it out and go to a meeting. Or if you are home log on here and read every post you can until the feeling goes away. I did that on Thursday and it made me feel surrounded by people who know even if they don't know me. Addicts/Alcoholics are infamous for failing to ask for help. I know from personal experience. PM me anytime if you want. I am only gone an hour each day. I have no life and it's ok!!! I love these forums and all the confidence and understanding that they give me.

akmom-here if you need me

[songbird]

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Nancy, and determinator...I have read your posts and replies for at least a year...I look up to all the senior members here...and everyone who spends the time to help someone they don't even know...Songbird

[Montana Mommy]

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I agree with everyone songbird, go to the detox. I used to be on speed, vicodin, soma's, and AL. After your 3-5 days, you'll have a clearer mind to focus a little better. Right now you're in a vicious circle, and even a short break will help you. Don't give up on yourself.
MM

[Seacailin]

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Hello Songbird and Welcome
I am so glad that you are here. I agree with what everyone else said. I have detoxed twice from AL and benzodiazepines at the same time. It was xanax, klonopin, but the same drug class as valium. You must be medically monitored to detox from these things. Please go to the detox and then come back here and let us know how you are doing. You Can Do This!!!

[Starlight Impress Forever]

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Hi songbird,
I know we all feel alone in our darkest hours.........so many of us have been where you are right now, but you are never alone when you have MWO to come to. I know that we`re not there for you in person, but please believe that we are right by your side and ready and willing to help you in any way we can.

I would never have got through my first AF night, had it not been for the kind people here who stayed online with me that night throughout the most difficult period of my suffering. Ask for any help you need here.........we are all in this together. :l

Darling x

[BecomingMeAtLast]

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songbird, I flew my brother across the country after he od'd on crack, pain meds and AL. He had no job, no insurance and a warrant for his arrest. The best I could do for him was to get him into a 3-5 day detox. Today he is 4 years alcohol and narcotic free. It's such a long story I could never put it into a thread. GO INTO THE DETOX. When you take one step things happen, sometimes things you could never imagine or hope for or pray for or guess or bet on. But they do. Right now, don't worry about being a "taker" instead of a "giver". There's no such thing. You are giving by sharing your story. How many others are going to read your post and get help from you. How many people are you helping right now? I'm crying my heart out because I remember my brother getting off the plane. He looked like the walking dead. I thought he was going to die. Now he told me he's the happiest he's ever been in his life. He's 45. I don't know you but I love you. :l

[songbird]

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I'm back from detox!

Just want to let all of you caring, kind, wonderful people that I finally got into a detox facility and was in for 6 days...Today is day 10 for me! It was quite the experience. I don't think I could have done it this time alone. I say this time because I've been through this many times...6-7. It was the WORSE of all times...I am 45 yrs old and this is really taken a toll on my body.

The first few days and nights they kept me comfortable on Librium and other things...I was doped up but safe, and I kind of miss that feeling right now....BUT...I don't want to drink...If I do it will be all over again and I felt like death after the meds were taken away...I was no longer at risk of seizure...I still feel like crap.

This is going to be a tough road. I have gone to a couple of aAA and NA meetings but they are something I could never get into. I will go if I feel like drinking though.

Although most of the people (of all ages) were in there for narcotics....there was the common denominator of starting with a drink. Some stopped and found that other drugs were more satisfying and stopped drinking. I am one of the ones that just loves it. Unfortunately, I abused it for so long that I can't handle it anymore.

I am still so foggy and forget things all the time. I hope my brain clears soon because this is the feeling I get right before I went for a drink! I won't.

Just want to let you know I am OK and I will be tuning in.

thanx again, Songbird:h

[A Work in Progress]

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This is great, Songbird! You did the right thing. I am sure you are aware that there a whole bunch of other "right things" that you will need to do to keep from sliding back into that awful place... one of them will probably be to stay close to MWO, keep posting about how and what you are doing!

best wishes,

wip