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    #1

    Caring for parents

    Hey everyone, I wondered if anyone had any suggestions in caring for elderly, sick parents? My father is 84. He has metastethized tumors from meloma that have spread yet he does not think he needs someone to come into the house to help yet. The last two days he barely did anything but get a bit to eat and sleep. I clean his house and get him food, but I have to work full time as I have a family. I have power of attorney, but get resistence from doctors and his attorney and his accountant in trying to manage his affairs and in trying to provide the best care for him. Any thoughts on this? Anyone experience a similar situation?
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    #2
    Caring for parents

    Sounds as if he would qualify for hospice, and that would probably be a huge help. But if he won't let them in the house, that's a huge roadblock.

    I have been dealing with a very difficult elderly (88, now) mother for the last 6 years. She would not accept help from anyone but me... it has been a total nightmare. Since she was not making outrageously irrational decisions, there was nothing I could do... it just about drove me crazy, and certainly contributed to my drinking. Anyway, she did get worse, both mentally and physically, and was diagnosed with Alzheimer's a couple of months ago, so I am now making the decisions, based on her DPOA.

    I wish I had a solution for the kind of situation you are in. One avenue that was helpful for me, as things began to get worse, was to hire a professional geriatric care manager. She was able to get through to my mother, which is a very difficult thing to do, and she helped me get my mother to a competent physician (also, not easy to do!), who then diagnosed the dementia.

    Even assuming that your father does not have dementia, a care manager might be helpful, in getting him to accept in-home care...

    best wishes,

    wip

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      #3
      Caring for parents

      I dont have any advice just sorry for your situation.
      Gabby :flower:

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        #4
        Caring for parents

        Destiny,

        Yep, going through it too. It's really hard to make those decisions when they did not make them for themselves. It leaves you as the parent, and them as the child.

        So my advice to all is: let's not repeat that pattern! Lets save... plan... am I doing this? Yes.
        If you do not live the life you believe, you will believe the life you live.

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          #5
          Caring for parents

          Destiny,
          So tough. My daddy died in 2000. Momma cared for him 24/7. Within months, she got sick. We were lucky there were 3 of us, and she let us take care of her round the clock til she passed away. I have several friends in your situation (and worse) and there are no pat answers. Get as much advice and research as much as you can. WIP had some great advice about the advisor. Most of all, take care of yourself. You are at the center of a lot of worlds right now. Take care.
          Rubes
          sigpic
          Never look down on a person unless you are offering them a hand up.
          awprint: RUBY Imagine yourself doing What you love and loving What you do, Being happy From the inside Out, experiencing your Dreams wide awake, Being creative, being Unique, being you - changing things to the way YOU know they can BE - Living the Life you Always imagined.awprint:

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            #6
            Caring for parents

            Thanks everyone for your help and advice - really appreciate everyone here!

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              #7
              Caring for parents

              Hi there destiny

              I don’t have experience caring for a parent yet, but I do have experience working as a carer for the elderly. I’m in the UK & am guessing you’re not (we call them solicitors, not attorneys!).

              In my experience these situations need a lot of perseverance & patience. There is no one right way to go about things. Every situation is different & there are often many different people involved, with different needs & motivations. I always try to remind myself to keep focused on the person who needs the care. You sound as if you're doing that.

              It’s difficult if they are reluctant to accept they need help. Often they are proud, or wary of strangers. Sometimes, sadly just plain confused, depressed or in the early stages of dementia.

              I think if you are his primary carer at the moment then you must seek out extra support. Even if you are able to continue caring for him, you will need a back-up plan to cover you for the times when you are ill or on vacation. Your father may or may not accept this but you need to make him aware that he cannot rely solely on you.

              Sadly the situation will inevitably worsen as time goes on. As you are meeting a lot of resistance I urge you to try to get somebody on your side. It may take many, many phone calls but persevere, I’ve had a lot of help & support from reputable advice agencies & charities in the UK. They are independent & often have access to resources & information that the general public aren’t aware of.

              I could go on…. but I’d just be rambling. This is a subject very close to my heart. I imagine that your father is lucky to have you on his side in all this. Feel free to PM me. I wish you well.

              Gold xxx
              :sun:

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                #8
                Caring for parents

                DestinyBloom: Just want to say, you are not alone. I take care of my mother. She either "is" or "can " be totally helpless at times. I also work full time, but don't have a family to take care of. It's just me in my husband. Still, taking care of my mother is a challenging task. She's mentally ill and can be tough to deal with. Yet, I thank God she is safe and not out wondering drunk, lost in her own world, and living on the streets. Something I had to contend with for years. -Reenie
                September 23, 2011

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                  #9
                  Caring for parents

                  Destiny,
                  I so feel for you. I lost my Mama 4//9/2008 and work FT, single Mom, and cared for her until the last 2 months of her life ...when family FINALLY decided to help. I was sober during that time, but was such an emotional wreck. She was on Hospice. Hospice is great, but they do not provide 24/7 care. That still lies with you. They came twice a week to check her, etc...were here about 30 minutes each time. In some areas I know they have volunteer sitters, but my Mom wasn't having any of that...I worked and cared for her and nothing else for MONTHS. It is very hard. My children suffered as well. Keep leaning on us. I had great support here. Many of us know your pain right now.
                  Forever loved, forever missed Papa Bear

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Caring for parents

                    I'm going through it with my 87 yr old mom......she fell in May and broke her ankle, had to have surgery, and is still "recovering".....but we have noticed her mind is starting to go......repeats things, asks the same questions, etc....I have POA and have taken over her finances....I had my name added to all her accounts so everything is joint now.....she can't even write a check now because her hands shake too bad.

                    The doctor says the worst fear is that she'll fall again and break something else.....

                    It sucks to watch your parents decline....but she dedicated her life to raising us.....it's the least we can do.

                    You have to play the hand you're dealt...

                    Don

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                      #11
                      Caring for parents

                      i care a lot for my mother who is elderly and in remission from cancer so i understand where your coming from i basically do everything it is hard when one sees one s parent in decline in some ways they feel guilty too for losing thier independence and having to rely on someone else
                      know how u feel

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                        #12
                        Caring for parents

                        It's the cycle of life...

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                          #13
                          Caring for parents

                          Thanks everyone. All your advice really helps me get through. Went to the oncologist with my Dad yesterday who helped convinced him to stop driving!! Yes. One less thing to worry about. Dad is very weak and shakey. I do have some backup - my aunt is about 5 min. away and I have done a lot of research on senerios of what to do. In contact with attorney and accountant and doing all the finances, cooking, cleaning. May have to hire some help in the future, but good to know others out there with similar situations. My mom died 12/21/2006 and I am just now coming to terms with it. I've definately learned that I need to reach out and talk to people and get advice. Again, you all have been so helpful. Thank you!!!

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                            #14
                            Caring for parents

                            thanks for everyone's comments and support. At this time my father is in a very good nursing home and has many visitors and is eating well and feeling no pain. He has advanced stage 4 melanoma and all treatment for the desease has stopped. It's a matter of weeks or a month or so as I am told. Anyone have trouble with the holiday season? My Mom died Dec. 21 2006 and is seems my father may pass during the same time. Any help on getting to a better place during this holiday season would be helpful. Nice to have a place to express thoughts. Happy thanksgiving to everyone and may you find some relief from whatever your stressors may be. Becky

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                              #15
                              Caring for parents

                              I'm so sorry to read about your situation, Becky. I really feel for you as I lost my father two months ago. Yesterday would have been his 81st birthday. The last weeks are such a special, intense period of time.

                              We all have our own set of circumstances, so in the end we just try to work out what it is that we most need as the bereavement unfolds. All I can do is share my experience.

                              My mom died of cancer 10 years ago, and at the time, like with your dad, we were told there'd be weeks/max a month left. It left us a period of time to get ready, to get our heads around the fact that she would leave. Though it was increadibly intense, I was glad to have the time to think up things I wanted to discuss with her. My dad went much more quickly and with less warning, and he was also much less of a 'talker' than my mother. Still, spending time with him was really important, and I find those memories of having been there for him carry me now that he is gone.

                              Another thing I found to be important in the last weeks with both of them was figuring out exactly where things were at medically and what the doctors were doing, so you don't start blaming yourself later for not having intervened in some way that you imagine might have made a difference in prolonguing their life by even one day. I had those moments in the last week with both parents, and I'm glad the doctors sorted me out.

                              I was amazingly 'together' in the last weeks of my dad's life, and I thought I was now immensely more mature and the impact would somehow be less than it was 10 years ago. WRONG!!! Even though I knew he would die, and I thought I was handling that piece of news like an adult (for once), I was totally devastated waking up the first morning without him. I think the lesson there would be to expect the unexpected. It was a visceral, physical experience, followed by weird allergic reactions I've never had before.

                              My immediate reaction that first morning when I woke up at 5.30am was that I can't possibly stay in his house. I waited til 7.30 when it was sociable enough to call a friend and invite myself to join her on a trip out to her parents place in the country. Having people around made all the difference, and forewarning people you'll need support may be a good idea.

                              There's a lot to do with funeral arrangements, and I knew I'd have to do all the planning by myself. So I decided to take my time, to delegate what practical stuff I could and to seek advice. I somehow managed to pull myself together and remain functional, but I did lean on a lot of people on the day of the funeral - support was absolutely crucial.

                              Because I was getting on with things that needed doing, I again thought I might somehow be on a road to recovery after the first month. Again, WRONG! The reality of bereavement didn't start to sink in until about week 6 when I started feeling depressed. I sought out a grief counsellor before my dad died, and going thru all of this with her has been immensely helpful.

                              I had planned to look after my dad this fall and had asked for a reduced contract at work already last summer. Even though things took a different turn, I decided not to go back to work until January. I find this reprieve invaluable. But this is me today. If you'd asked me 10 years ago, I thought returning to 'normal life' as quickly as possible was the thing to do. Now I want to settle into being bereaved, go thru his affairs at my own pace bit by bit, and focus on my own health.

                              It's very sad that you face losing your dad during the holiday season, but these things happen when they happen. I'd be inclined to plan your holidays as you'd normally celebrate them but surrounding yourself with as many supportive people as you can and also clearing out space and time in the next two months for this massive turbulence, because that's what it is.

                              Sorry about the long personal ramble, but as you can probably tell, I've found this to be pretty intense. Wishing you strength. Look after yourself. :l

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