what is wrong with me

[freeintexas]

I joined this site in october and joined nov a$$kickers and did 7 days af and then screwed up. Ever since then I have been absolutely crazy. All I can think about now is how I have screwed up my kids lives during the past ten years while drinking--progressively worse. And hope every morning on the way to work that I get into a wreck and get killed so they don't have to deal with my shit any more so they can move on and not deal with me. Maybe since I have been in such denial during the past ten years, i have not even tried to recognize it or deal with what I have done to them, but now it is all really getting to me. I am at the point that I cannot concentrate at work, at tears constantly,--usually known as the bitch--and wondering if I can really do this at all. I have had a lot of support from Christy and I am sure she is tired of my constant complaints. I am not asking for a lot of replys from anyone, just one or two of you to say that it is okay to feel like this. Thanks.

[Miss Behaving]

what is wrong with me

Lost, just replied to you on the other thread. I'm not too good on the touchy feely stuff, but I do think that if you are thinking the sort of thoughts that you are talking about then that isn't a good sign.

What support do you have around you in terms of family, medical professionals etc etc??

thinking of you,

mame

PS - let me know if you want to chat - I'm not a great fan if there are lots of people on, but at this time of day it is often quite quiet

[brittzak]

what is wrong with me

Lost,
I did the car wreck trying to kill myself thing...if it isn't your time...you don't go...save yourself a lot of money and pain, please seek help. This sight is wonderful, but sometimes we need even more. I did the car wreck deal not once but THREE times.....I have 2 children....Have you tried topa? It does work for me. The first couple weeks are rough...sleepy and you are forgetful, but hell your aren't drunk.....IF I can help at all PM me...I will be more than happy to call you....

[dingbat]

what is wrong with me

Wow, one2many. I'm going to print that post out and read it everyday!

lost - you should do that too! I understand what you're going through, as I have felt the same way. When your 6 yo old says to you "Please don't drink wine mommy" that's a sound that haunts you until you feel like you have ruined everything, forever. But it doesn't have to be that way. We can change, we can be the moms that we want to be. I am taking it one day at a time, and am working on changing my thought processes as well as staying off the booze.

I think a little grieving for time wasted or things done wrong is appropriate. But you have to let it out, forgive yourself, then vow to do better from this point on. I know that that's easier said than done, but, hey, no one ever said life was supposed to be easy, hunh??? And the rewards are so great that it's well worth the struggle.

Hold on, and don't give up!

[A Work in Progress]

what is wrong with me

Hi, Lost. I can add little to what the others have said, except to agree with them, and to encourage you to develop a very solid plan to address your alcohol problem, to follow your plan, and to nurture and cultivate your determination to get alcohol out of your life. Joining the November thread was good; get into other threads, as well, such as the daily AF thread. You need to be around a variety of people who are succeeding in their work to get free from alcohol.

What should be in your plan? Throw the kitchen sink at it. Do everything. Healthy diet, exercise, supplements, medication, hypnotherapy, meditation, careful attention to your environment and your triggers. Read the "Toolbox" thread every day. See your physician about medication.

Also, the seriousness and persistence of your suicidal thoughts concerns me greatly. I would strongly suggest you get some professional counseling right away. If you want more ideas about that, feel free to PM me, OK?

We're all pulling for you. You CAN change your life, and we can help you do that.

wip

[Snapdragon]

what is wrong with me

You can be the person you want to be

:l Lost ? you sound like you have reached rock bottom, but one2many is right ? you can go forwards and upwards now. One thing I know for sure ? your kids love you more than anyone in the World and would NEVER be better off without you. They would be devastated if they lost you and would never have the chance to know the real YOU ? the YOU before AL.

I have three children and my youngest son (who is 14) can?t remember me as a clean sober mum. Last night (on my second AF day) ? he kept hugging me and asking if I would like a cup of tea (he never once mentioned the fact that I wasn?t drinking but he noticed - sure as anything. He?s usually a typical grumpy grunting teenager). It is the first time in a long time that I remember enjoying his company, watching TV together and actually remember us all going to bed and saying ?good night? (I?m usually out cold by then!)

As I left for work this morning he shouted from upstairs ?I love you mum ? have a good day.? I am more determined than ever before that today will also be alcohol free.

Lost ? you have so much support here, everyone will help you and support you. I believe that you can?t change just for other people, you can only do it for yourself and you need to really want it. I read this in a magazine today: ?We attract whatever we focus on. If we think negative thoughts we draw them to us. So the secret is to visualise what you want ? and go for it.?

We?re all in this with you. X

[A Work in Progress]

what is wrong with me

That's a lovely story, Snapdragon... good for you... and for your son!

wip

[BecomingMeAtLast]

what is wrong with me

Lost,

I can't add anything to the wisdom here. I can offer you my support. Your children need and love you. They will NOT be better off without you. Children are so resiliant and loving and forgiving. Don't ever underestimate their unconditional love.

Take care,
Be

[TWCOURAGE]

what is wrong with me

Dear Lost, I have been there, Don't Give Up. I was so low I was planning my own Funeral in my head. You have too munch to live for . Alcohol has a way of messing with your head when you stop drinking. I too have drank for over 10 years walking around drunk in front of my two boys I felt like a complete Failure. It just takes time. You have the rest of your life Don't look back at what you did look forward to what you are going to do AF. Come to these boards often. We Have ALL made mistakes you can only learn and try not to repeat them. I've only been sober since 8/30/08 with one mishap so I know were you are coming from. Take it one day at a time and make it the best day of your LIFE!

[freeintexas]

what is wrong with me

I would like to thank everyone for all of your words of encouragement and sharing with me. I read everyone's responses and cried for almost an hour before I could respond. I realize that I am depressed, and have been depressed--and alcohol made that even worse. I think what is going on is that I am now thinking about why I have been drinking and what I have been doing to people by my drinking and feeling so guilty about it and of course, thinking that of course I need to be punished for doing so. But as so many of you have said--I have been punishing myself for the past ten years of my life for my husband dying instead of me, and look where it has gotten me. I am going to print out every one of these responses and read them every single day and as you all have reminded me--my sons need me to be sober and love me. And I want you all to know that I will continue to try every single day to do this one day at a time and stop making the same stupid mistake over and over again. Thank you for your support and and thank you for being here for me.

[Helpwanted08]

what is wrong with me

Lost,
Keep reading and posting someone is always on to chat with you. I am glad you realize how much your sons need you. Take this one day at a time and let eveyone here support you.
Help

[nancy]

what is wrong with me

Hi Lost
Glad you are feeling a little better.

The reality of parenting seems that the parents are sometimes traumatized or have human flaws. As a child of a bad situation, I am learning that people operate to the best they are able with their consciousness at a certain period and we need to forgive parents. So maybe for the past 10 years, you were not conscious but now you are. How great.

Try to think about the positives and remember everyone has flaws. You are right that we reach to alcohol for depression and then the alcohol makes the depression worse. I don't know why it takes so long to get to understand and act on this, but it does!

Having this particular flaw of alcoholism does not make you a bad person. when people are in pain, they reach for a rescue, sometimes an unhealthy one, and your poison is booze.


Try to look to the future and build from that.

Nancy

[MyOwnWoman]

what is wrong with me

Hello lostintexas...
I can relate to much of what you say. Mostly, the wish for a car wreck to end it all got me.

I had a really bad childhood. When I was 12 I had my suicide all planned out, but my 16yo brother beat me to it. Out of concern for my mother's pain, after that, I gave up plans to take myself out but still wished for the end of everything.
When I was 16, I was driving to my afterschool job, and approaching an intersection saw that a car was directly in front of me (the driver ran the red light). I remember the moment, just before impact. I don't much remember fear - more I remember feeling great relief in thinking I would die in this wreck that was a fraction of a second away. I felt peace and relief. Bring it on.

The cars crashed. The other driver's car rolled over a few times and nearly killed an infant. After hitting her car mine ran through a fence and into an orange grove and crashed into orange trees. My head went through the side window and smashed against the steering wheel, and I was knocked unconscious. I have no memory from the moment of hoping for death upon impact until I woke to have paramedics at the side of the car, a brace around my neck, and my little brother in the window calling out my name. As it turns out, his school bus was passing just after the crash, and upon recognizing my car he demanded the driver stop.

Maybe it was his terrified voice that brought me back. He was terrified that he was going to lose me, and his face in the window, surrounded by paramedics, is one I should always keep in mind. I never knew how much he needed me, how much he loved me, even though I wasn't great to him, until I saw in his eyes the fear he had of losing me.

We should never underestimate how much we mean to those close to us, and we should never overestimate the amount of pain we've caused them.

You may have been screwed up to some degree. But you mean much more to those around you --- especially your kids --- than you might ever imagine.

Give them now the gift of witnessing a woman summon the strength to battle the demons that hound her. Give them an example to live by -- that no matter how far one falls, to rise up bigger and better than ever is possible.

Leaving your kids is no gift to them. Giving them the gift of witness to your struggle is a gift that may forever inspire them in all they do.

[CharlieRotario]

what is wrong with me

That is a lovely story indeed, thanks for sharing it with the whole community!

I'll post one similar story about me soon.. i just need more courage..

:new:

[A Work in Progress]

what is wrong with me

Charlie, if you take the link to your own website out of your signature line... and if you actually ask for help... people might believe you are here to get help for yourself...