I'm back to my old ways..and then some

[Angelique]

Hi. I don't post much but feel that I need to today and maybe will feel a little better. I am feeling very low right now and it might also be horomones, being that I had a baby just 8 weeks ago. I swore to myself that I would "control" my drinking after the baby came and it has gotten worse!!!(could that be?) We had company on Sat. night and I was controlling the drinks up until the end of the evening and then I lost it and began downing wine when my hubby wasn't looking. When the company left and my hubby went to bed I stayed up to "clean up." I finished off another 1/2 bottle. I felt like crap when I awoke on Sunday and made myself a bloody mary and continued to sneak "swigs" all day. I am so ashamed and the guilt is killing me. How did this happen so quickly? I thought that I could control this......but it's controlling me. I am exhausted with the whole masquerade I have been trying to portray to my friends and family. I'm a hot mess and falling apart quickly. Why did this happen to me? Why can't I just be a normal person and be fine with 1 or 2 drinks? Why do I think of alcohol constantly? I am sick of feeling guilty and afraid, yet I keep doing this to myself!! This can't be healthy with my horomone levels in such a fragile state right now. God has blessed me with this beautiful baby and the holidays are coming....I should be happy right? Instead I am getting "smashed" whenever I get the opportunity or thinking about getting "smashed". I've never really given the supps. an honest chance to work because I think deep down I wasn't ready to quit drinking. I can't moderate. That is just not an option for me. I'm sorry about the long post, I just feel so alone and ashamed. I can't talk to my husband about this. He doesn't understand. He thinks a person should just be able to stop and if they don't he thinks of them as being weak. I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

[Janice]

I'm back to my old ways..and then some

Well you've come to the right place Angelique. You CAN change things!!!! You really can!!! If you want it enough, you can change it; you have a choice to keep doing what you're doing or put a stop to this right now. Not tomorrow. Not next week. Now. All I can say is read, read, and read. Read old posts on here, new posts, self-help books on sobriety/recovery - anything you can get your hands on to motivate and inspire you. Most importantly keep coming here every day, at least once a day, more if you need........post about how you are feeling and you will find that there will be someone there reaching out to you with good advice. Download the book and read as much as you can about the programme, take what you want from it......what is best for you, for your sobriety, for your recovery. The key is being and staying positive.......changing your attitude completely. It can be done. You are only a moment away from sobriety!!!!!

Good luck,

Janicexxx

[Angelique]

I'm back to my old ways..and then some

Janice,
You have no idea how much your reply meant to me. It brought me such a feeling of hope. I'm so scared but I have to try to do this for myslef and my family. I know I have to change my attitude. I have to really feel it though, not just pretend. That has what I have been doing with my life....pretending. I have to start living. Thank you. :thanks:

[Seacailin]

I'm back to my old ways..and then some

Glad you are here Angel
You can do this!!! Put the plug in the jug and make a plan. We understand, so stay close by. I can so relate to the insanity and the whole mental obsession. It is an awful lot of work to keep up our alcoholic drinking. Life is so much easier when you do not have to deal with that.

[Boss.man]

I'm back to my old ways..and then some

Angel it's a bit paradoxic, but the more we try to stay good, the stronger the little devil in our brains become. It's very hard obtain balance. I was never a big binge drinker, until I sought to gain control and Mod. Now it seems it's either one or the other for me. Since the out-of-control me is not an option, I'll need to find and nurture the AF me.

[Angelique]

I'm back to my old ways..and then some

You are so right seacailin. It is a lot of work keeping up our drinking ways. It's absolutely exhausting. Throw a new baby into the mix and you're completely zonked. I must be insane. Boss man yes the out of control me has got to go too! I just have to keep that mind set. I really need to get in some AF days. I hate this horrible guilty and paranoid feeling I get after. Please say a prayer for me...I will for you too.

[Angelique]

I'm back to my old ways..and then some

Hi Gia,
I thought about it because I did have it with my first child (pretty bad actually). This time it doesn't feel like that. But I defintely have some imbalance going on. I just don't want to be put on antidepressants like last time. It was so hard getting off paxil. I hated it. Oh gosh I remember the days of drinnking while on paxil. A friggin nightmare. I just have a drinking problem and I have to admit that it's getting to be out of control and I have to do something about it before I lose my mind and my family. I can tell my husband is getting disgusted with my behavior. I think he knew yesterday when I was "sneaking" drinks. Oh God and then my mom dropped by to bring us some home made pie and I was totally lit. She kept getting close up to me to tey to smell my breath. I am so embarassed I want to die. Why do I do this to myself? Does anyone take the topa? Does it really work? How about the Anabuse (sp?) Is that too drastic? Oh I really need some advice. Also... I called one of my superiors from work last night around 8 or 8:30. Luckily she is a friend of mine and she sent me an email regarding maternity leave and I call her when I'm half in the bag to talk about it at 8 O'CLOCK ON A SUNDAY NIGHT!!! I AM SO ASHAMED!!! How will I face her again? I can't remember what I said to her exactly. This has got to STOP!!

[Angelique]

I'm back to my old ways..and then some

One2many I went to the Dr.s last week for post partum check up and complained about the pain I have on my one side (c-section), He seemed like he couldn't wait to get me out of there. I had some pretty major bleeding when I had the baby and I think he was a little afraid that I would sue him or something? I was just concerned about the pain and wanted to get a CT scan or something to rule out anything bad. He just doens't seem interested. All he did was give me a script for b/c pills and said...."see you in 3 months." I think I need to find a new Dr.

[Angelique]

I'm back to my old ways..and then some

Yes I thought they should. I haven't given the supps. a chance. I'm glad that you said they work...i will give them a try. I just want to beat this thing. But I know this is something that I will always have to fight. It's just horrible.

[Angelique]

I'm back to my old ways..and then some

I am going to do that one2many. Yes I defintely feel different with this baby. Maybe because it was a section? I feel somewhat "disconnected" with everything. I can't imagine going back to work in one week. I'm really a mess.

[vlad]

I'm back to my old ways..and then some

Just wanted to say welcome back Angelique!

[Angelique]

I'm back to my old ways..and then some

Thanks Vlad. This site is really wonderful. When I woke up this morning I felt really horrible. Like I had no desire to go on anymore. That is frightening. I had to pretend like I was ok and in a good mood in front of my husband. He doesn't have a clue how I feel. It's pretty awful feeling so disconnected to everything that is important yet so consumed by a liquid that takes away your dignity and just your life basically.

[Angelique]

I'm back to my old ways..and then some

Really Gia? I had no idea. I thought you were suppose to feel like a zombie! I have another child but she is almost 13 years old. This one was a surprise! I do not remember feeling like this. But I didn't drink this heavily back then. It's gotten really bad these last 4-5 years. It started out with a couple of glasses of wine and then a bottle then I was up to 2 bottles. Now I've switched to vodka (thinking it won't smell as much) I don't want my teenager to think i'm an alkie. But I think she's on to me anyway. I feel so lost. I need to stick to a plan. FOR REAL THIS TIME.

[vlad]

I'm back to my old ways..and then some

Angelique;476770 wrote: Now I've switched to vodka (thinking it won't smell as much) I don't want my teenager to think i'm an alkie.

Vodka was / is my poison of choice too. But it does smell. I think I used to sweat it, my side of the bed used to reek of it. And my car - think it had permeated into the seats, LOL! :H

[Angelique]

I'm back to my old ways..and then some

It totally smells Vlad. I stunk of it last night. I hate this. I'm so bloated right now because of it too! YUCK