I sent a PM to another member here recently, to encourage their strong effort toward sobriety and decided to share it with others... in the event that it might help someone. I only wish to add my appreciation to RJ for her book and this site that has served me and many others as a guiding compass on our journey back to a "newly balanced life".
Dear fellow MWO member,
As I have said in previous posts, I quit drinking alcohol, cold turkey, in 1987 for 5 years. Never looked back. It was tough for a couple of days, but I stayed busy. Really dumb, in 1992 I started again!
As they say, this is a progressive disease / affliction / problem. Doesn't matter what you call it, it is all the same. Horrific! The longer it continues, the worse it gets, and that was exactly the case for me.
When I joined here, I knew I had a problem. But in reading my early posts, I was still denying, ignoring, trying to fool myself into thinking that I could moderate. I am a stubborn-determined person, and while that has served me well during my life, in most cases, in this case, it made things worse. I would say, "I can do this, I can have one, or several, or I can drink like other people." That never happened. I never over drank in public. I could control that side of my drinking, company parties, socially, etc. But when I would go home at night - No Way! I drank until I couldn't remember, I said hurtful things to my loved ones. I would wake up with bruises, that I couldn't remember getting, broke my toe~ during the night and didn't remember how, ended up with 10 stitches - in my face, etc. I never missed work, I was a functioning alcoholic. (I hate that word)
I really, really, really wanted this to stop. I was going to loose everything that I loved and valued, eventually, if I continued. I realize now, that it was a process, starting when I joined here. Seeing others try and fail, reading about the terrible consequences of their drinking...observing my own life in parralell.
Eventually, I knew that I just couldn't do this anymore. I don't know what clicked, but somehow I knew that the truely strong and "in-control" thing to do was to admit that I couldn't control my drinking. That I am NOT like other people who can drink alcohol. And that I wanted my life back.
I remember thinking that if I gave up, I had failed. I came to realize, that the only way to win, against alcohol, was to give up. I waved the white flag and surrendered. I did this for everything I loved and cherished. Myself first, the "Self" spirit, me that I know, my health, my loved ones, my carreer, my home and all my worldly posessions, because I knew I was going to loose all of them ~ as I said, eventually. I was no one special, my story would have same outcome as other alcoholics that you read or hear about. The only difference would be the details.
I used to struggle internally, on a daily basis, the same way you do. All day long I would hold on to the conviction that I would not drink that night. I would never buy more than a pint of Vodka at a time, because, I would say, this is the last time. Each evening on my way home from work, I could turn left and go straight home, or I could continue 1/10th of a mile to the liquor store which would end up another night of numbing and escape through alcohol. I usually lost that battle and would go that 1/10th mile and give up my hard earned money to ~ nothing... nonsense... stupidity. I was the queen of try and try again. It was a viscous cycle. I was so disappointed, sick and sad with me. I knew I deserved better, I knew I was a great person and that my loved ones deserved better. I was sick of feeling bad about me, but I was the one causing it. It was no one elses fault.
I would use the reason that I was stressed, I had a bad day at work, I was worried about this kid or that kid, I had financial concerns, I was mad at someone, OR--- I deserve it, I want to relax--- Whatever, Whatever! I just said anything I could, to justify continuing to drink. Period! This is my story, I only speak for myself.
In a few days, it will be 8 mos. of sobriety. It can happen, sobriety can be your story. Our stories are the same, it is only the details that are different. You can do this! Keep trying!!!
Dear fellow MWO member,
As I have said in previous posts, I quit drinking alcohol, cold turkey, in 1987 for 5 years. Never looked back. It was tough for a couple of days, but I stayed busy. Really dumb, in 1992 I started again!
As they say, this is a progressive disease / affliction / problem. Doesn't matter what you call it, it is all the same. Horrific! The longer it continues, the worse it gets, and that was exactly the case for me.
When I joined here, I knew I had a problem. But in reading my early posts, I was still denying, ignoring, trying to fool myself into thinking that I could moderate. I am a stubborn-determined person, and while that has served me well during my life, in most cases, in this case, it made things worse. I would say, "I can do this, I can have one, or several, or I can drink like other people." That never happened. I never over drank in public. I could control that side of my drinking, company parties, socially, etc. But when I would go home at night - No Way! I drank until I couldn't remember, I said hurtful things to my loved ones. I would wake up with bruises, that I couldn't remember getting, broke my toe~ during the night and didn't remember how, ended up with 10 stitches - in my face, etc. I never missed work, I was a functioning alcoholic. (I hate that word)
I really, really, really wanted this to stop. I was going to loose everything that I loved and valued, eventually, if I continued. I realize now, that it was a process, starting when I joined here. Seeing others try and fail, reading about the terrible consequences of their drinking...observing my own life in parralell.
Eventually, I knew that I just couldn't do this anymore. I don't know what clicked, but somehow I knew that the truely strong and "in-control" thing to do was to admit that I couldn't control my drinking. That I am NOT like other people who can drink alcohol. And that I wanted my life back.
I remember thinking that if I gave up, I had failed. I came to realize, that the only way to win, against alcohol, was to give up. I waved the white flag and surrendered. I did this for everything I loved and cherished. Myself first, the "Self" spirit, me that I know, my health, my loved ones, my carreer, my home and all my worldly posessions, because I knew I was going to loose all of them ~ as I said, eventually. I was no one special, my story would have same outcome as other alcoholics that you read or hear about. The only difference would be the details.
I used to struggle internally, on a daily basis, the same way you do. All day long I would hold on to the conviction that I would not drink that night. I would never buy more than a pint of Vodka at a time, because, I would say, this is the last time. Each evening on my way home from work, I could turn left and go straight home, or I could continue 1/10th of a mile to the liquor store which would end up another night of numbing and escape through alcohol. I usually lost that battle and would go that 1/10th mile and give up my hard earned money to ~ nothing... nonsense... stupidity. I was the queen of try and try again. It was a viscous cycle. I was so disappointed, sick and sad with me. I knew I deserved better, I knew I was a great person and that my loved ones deserved better. I was sick of feeling bad about me, but I was the one causing it. It was no one elses fault.
I would use the reason that I was stressed, I had a bad day at work, I was worried about this kid or that kid, I had financial concerns, I was mad at someone, OR--- I deserve it, I want to relax--- Whatever, Whatever! I just said anything I could, to justify continuing to drink. Period! This is my story, I only speak for myself.
In a few days, it will be 8 mos. of sobriety. It can happen, sobriety can be your story. Our stories are the same, it is only the details that are different. You can do this! Keep trying!!!
I will no longer give the BEAST any power over me - he can go straight to hell.
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