ready to give up

[addicted]

my hands shake as I write this...I have been using alcohol and drugs since I was 16, I am now 29 and my life is a pile of shit. been through many rehabs, hospitals, medicine, and always relapse!! its just not in me to stayt sober.. I hate my life and thoughts sober.
I might as well stay an alcoholic if sober life is so shitty. I lost everything, and we all die anyway someday~!

[startingover]

ready to give up

Hi Addicted, I can so relate to your words, it could have been me saying them at your age. I too have taken drugs and alcohol since my teenage years. I am now 45 and have been sober for 8 months. It is only through getting sober and clean and addressing my depression that I have begun to enjoy life again. It takes work and it takes time. Dont give up now.

[A Work in Progress]

ready to give up

Addicted, I saw your earlier post, also, and can see that you're in a lot of pain. I suspect that you want to be rid of the alcohol-induced pain, and yet you are not finding that things have gotten much better for you, yet. But you are still posting here, and I think that means you still have some hope that things CAN get better. That's good. Hang onto that hope, OK? Many, many people have gritted their teeth and done whatever it takes to get through the very difficult early stages of recovery, and have found that life can and DOES get better... much better... without the alcohol and drugs. I hope you stick it out.

[Lavande]

ready to give up

Addicted,
Whatever happens, don't give up! You are the same age as my kids and have so much to look forward to.......
I envy them right now because they have so much time left to enjoy life, so do you. Please keep trying to find a plan that works for you and commit yourself to stick to it.
I am so much happier and feeling so much better than I did 3 months ago, it's almost unvelievable. I still drink a little wine most days but am doing it for different reasons. I no longer do any emotional drinking - feeling sad or lonely or whatever. I am busy replacing my negative thinking and other bad habits with positive ones. You can do it too

Please stay well,
Lavande

[addicted]

ready to give up

thank you for all your thoughts. I woke up feeling a bit better than last night when I wrote that. but I fully feel that I will use something today as well. I wake up thinking about it!

[startingover]

ready to give up

Addicted, yes, I used to wake up thinking of using too. I always felt the day wasnt worth meeting unless there was something "worth" getting out of bed for.
You can change that if you want to. You are seeing your shrink today arent you? Can you not ask to be referred to an addiction specialist?

[gyco]

ready to give up

hi addicted,i got four children,girls 2=29 and 27,boys 2= 24 and 21,so far none of my children have needed treatment,yet,it is possible,there chances are 5 percent greater then one that doesnt have an addicted minded parent,i ,like you have been in treatment,did it work,in a way,beleive me i thought it was normal for me to drink the way i did,society as a hole said it was OK,till i messed up,see over the years i, found i didnt have a problem stopping,staying stopped was the hard part,the thought of drinking for me,i beleive will never go away,but the only way to find out is not drink or learn moderation,of late ive been doing a lot of research,here , AA,AA online ,many ways to keep ones self occupied,doesnt always help,abuse of the drink will eventually kill us,life itself will do that,i hope this helps,your not the only one,i do so wish you well,thanks for the thread,any parent reading your story, has a tear in there eye gyco

[tlrgs]

ready to give up

addiced..yeah you know it very easy to just get up go out and get some al and drugs .. hell i live in an area where i can get aything and everything i want .. but the thing is choice .. we have it so just sit back and you are making the right one by coming here and posting .. just do your best and take it one day at a time .. and dont give up

[hippie37]

ready to give up

Hi Addicted!

I think most of my adult life I have spent going against the grain and trying to defy those who tell me It SHOULD be done this or that way. I would always support the underdog, I would NOT listen to authoritative figures and it was always going to be MY way or the highway!!. This obviously lead me to believe that my drinking and drug taking in the past was something I did in order to make it feel right in my own eyes as it went against all the rules of the 'norm' (if that makes any sense!!). Drinking only disguised the real issues by making me think I had a god given right to be angry at the world and drinking made other people see that. You could say I falsely got pleasure out of a misconceived idea that I was making a difference by being angry/bitter at the world around me. I have said this in the past but my liberal/hippie ideals DO make me see things through rose tinted glasses and YES I would like the world to be perfect, who wouldn't!. Trouble is it ain't ever gonna be perfect and there are always going to be imperfections that I cannot change in others. BUT! I can change in myself. That is not gonna happen overnight though. As Gyco mentioned I have had no problem stopping in the past but I just don't know how to 'live' anymore. I'm 39 and still only a child in my head because I've NEVER taken ANY responsibiltiy for my actions or my life. Most people grow up and learn to deal with rejection and fear and all those other negative feelings. My answer was to hide away and drink and take drugs. Even the party/rave scene for me was just a front so I didn't have to look too deep inside myself. I'm not trying to make out either that I didn't have some blinding times while drinking and taking drugs because I did. I'm just not willing to glorify those days anymore and I'm trying to get in touch with who the hell I am at this present time. Because I'll be perfectly honest I ain't got a fuck'n clue. I don't know who Phil is anymore. I'm starting to learn though that my addictive behaviour has manifested itself through my life in SO many areas that I had no idea the umanageability, (that is so often talked about in 12 step recovery programs) had nothing to do with what substance I used. It never has and I've always thought this way that I have a thinking problem not a drinking problem.

Vigilance is high on the agenda for me at the moment and being an addict I will always want the quick fix AND the increasing amount of fixes after that. It's just something I am learning to accept about myself and deal with. One drink was never enough! One line was never enough, One pill was never enough, One piece of chocolate is never enough! One hour on the forum is never enough!. Excess in all areas of my life is nothing new to me but becoming aware of the excesses early is now something I am trying to comprehend and do something about. It's not easy breaking the mould I have made for myself though. Years of conditioning has left me feeling like I an trying to learn how to walk again and I so want the battle to be over so I can start running at times!!. Like a typical addict I want everything done yesterday though!!.

The best thing I have found for ME personally is to attend N/A meetings and be around fellow addicts. It's helping me grow and see that there IS hope out there for me in the BIG wide world. I've spent too long on the merry go round fucking about with 'trying' to get sober this past 21 months that I had to take action for my own sanity. I've also just applied to an addiction recovery program here in Liverpool and have an interview/health checks on Friday to see if I can be accepted onto the program. I'm only 43 days sober but the change I've seen in myself; in attitude, in my outlook on life since I first came here to MWO makes me believe I'm doing the right things this time. I'm getting out the house these days and meeting people whereas before I was afraid to even call people because I had isolated myself so much.

Addicted I can imagine how your self esteem must be shot to pieces at present as was mine when I first gave up the drink and drugs. Just remember to not be so hard on yourself. It's gonna take time and effort and the last thing you need to be doing is letting your head and your thoughts get the better of you.

Love and Happiness
Hippie
xx

[Moana]

ready to give up

Thanks for your smart words hippie

Hi from a hopeless drunk. Serial addict from thumbsucking child to nail biting anorexic and on to all the worst stuff , exchanging one crappy habit for another.
Now trying to go AF and I did manage four days in a row last week for the first time in years! Weekend not so stellar but today is another day and its going to be AF!
I like MYO, there's some really good and smart people here.

[cacky]

ready to give up

Addicted, gosh..your life is worth more. just know that no matter what happens your MYO pals understand. I just spoke to about 100 down and out people in a salvation army rehab. We are all the same. Please keep the faith.

[josy]

ready to give up

help me quit

:thanks::thanks:

[Joanna]

ready to give up

Hippie

That was an awesome and great post. You mentioned to me about Tara Goleman's book. You should read it 'cos I think you will relate to a lot of the stuff in there. The whole deception thing; I can really relate to that and the rebelling against authority stuff. Thanks

[rubywillow]

ready to give up

I've had every 'marker' going against me. I'm 57. I will live my best til I HAVE to die, and you are to young to think about it. There's an answer, somewhere, for you. It may take really long term, life style change rehab, I don't know. But honey, please, at this tender age, don't give up. So many have given you good responses, many who have been thru more than me. It takes each day, each hour, and sometimes, each minute. I don't want to lose you. Please keep trying.
Rubes

[addicted]

ready to give up

thank you everyone, as suspected I drank vodka again at 7 am today, and just now waking up...
I feel like shit!!! feels good to have someone to write this dirty nasty stuff to!!