Relapsing constantly

[jacksoncage]

Had 13 months AF and due to the stress that was going on I picked up last July. Can't seem to get anytime together. I am feeling guilt, remorse, shame you name it. I tried so hard to get that year only to blow it. I feel like i do not have another run in me to get sober. I'm 47 and burned every bridge you can burn. I feel totally alone. I guess you can say hopeless not believing in myself. I have nothing to show for in my life because I spent all of my time sitting on a bar stool feeling hopeless. This is from a guy who had everything going for him twenty years ago and lost it all. I was never the same after that. I came down with a cold last night and that will probably keep me sober today. I'm out of work and when I wake up the first thing I want to do is just run out the door and run away from myself until I start drinking. I don't think I have felt this depressed ever. I feel like there is no way out. I am scared shit that I am going to die a lonely man with no legacy to leave behind. Anyone identify?

[peacenik]

Relapsing constantly

can you go to an aa meeting just to help you through and give you some fellowship and support?
i don't go to aa, but it just might help you feel less alone.

stay here and keep talking, we are here and we will listen.

peace

[Angelcakes]

Relapsing constantly

Hi Jackson, I'm really sorry you're feeling like crap right now. Have you ever been on anti-depressants?? Al abuse & depression go hand in hand...a lot of peeps here are addressing their depression/anxiety at the same time as attacking the al problem...maybe it's worth telling a doctor how you feel??
On the bright side you have dne 13mths before so you KNOW you CAN do it...take something from this time in your life...remember what lead to you picking up the first drink last time & use the knowledge to your advantage.
How's your diet?? Are you getting any exercise?? Are you taking any supplements?? It's REALLY hard to try to stop drinking using just your head & will power...there are other tools to help...
I'm here for a while if you need...

[Ripple]

Relapsing constantly

JC- you gotta fight it!!! I know how hard it is.. if you did 13 months, you can do some time again .. cut back at least. Have you tried campral or topa? watch what you eat too, i notice when i eat sweets, i tend to go into a cycle down-ward. go to AA as well, it re-inforces us about our drinking problem, we can' drink, because we ABUSE IT..

Be safe, i'm thinking about you today!

Ripple.

[Evie.Lou]

Relapsing constantly

I agree with Peace...you need some fellowship with others who understand...
we are all in this together and for me the relapsing was part of the recovery process. You will not fail as long as you never give up. If I can get sober then I believe that you can too. Are you using any meds to help you ??? I don't think I could have ever made it without the MWO program.I joined this site in dec. 07 and then Last May14th I finally grabbed hold of it and haven't let go since. There are lots of tools to help you here.
Take it from me...you can have a happy life after recovering from alcoholism...I am living proof. PM me if I can help you...

[nancy]

Relapsing constantly

Take heart

Hi there

You sound like so many people on this site.

After all the reading I have done here I have come to the conclusion that the ideal is abstinence or moderation with supplements/exercise/hypno. Of course moderation is hard to achieve. Next up is harm reduction, cutting back the harm in any way you can.

I really believe that people with very severe problems and who are not able to maintain abstinence and all else is failing should be trying medication. People are having success with low dose topamax, campral and naltrexone (Sinclair Method). You don't have to abstain to take these. Antibuse is also helping a lot of people abstain.

Please please see an addiction specialist as soon as possible. Don't feel ashamed of this.

Nancy

[jacksoncage]

Relapsing constantly

hanging in there

Thanks for all the input and support. Feel a bit better. I have campral and I start taking it but never stay with it. Does it help with withdrawals? Like give you back your energy and concentration? That is what happens when I stop. Tomorrow, I will probably feel extremely fatigued and irritable. If it wasn't for this bug i have I would have probably drank again today. Well, I feel relieved knowing I won't pick up tonite. I'll try and get another day under my belt tomorrow. I am on an anti depressent to sleep but I donot think it's helping me with my overall mood. Went to dr like six times in one year cause I felt so lousy when I was sober. He said I was anxiety ridden with depression. The thing that is upsetting is that I was just starting to feel better and I had to move to Florida and the move stressed me out so bad that I picked up.They say moves are one of most stressful things to do in early sobreity and i made a few of them. Still down here but want to leave. So what I am getting at is I have big decisions to make and this causes me to pick up. Anyway, I'll shut up.

[peacenik]

Relapsing constantly

sometimes you just have to trudge through and come out the other side my dear...it's not fun to stop drinking, but it IS worth the suffering in the end.

[Angelcakes]

Relapsing constantly

Oh Jackson I was wondering if it was you that moved...to live with your brother right???
You really need to take care of Jackson right now...you can't blame evrything on the move but if you think it will help you should go back.
Your brother should understand that you need to do it for you....you're no good to him drunk or sick from drinking.

[jacksoncage]

Relapsing constantly

to angel cakes

Yes, i am the guy who moved to Florida to live with my brother. It hasn't worked out for me but he had good intentions. I feel bad that i relapsed because i feel like i let him down. However, i did not cause any harm to him only myself. He really has know idea what it's like to be an alcoholic. He thinks that you can just turn the switch on and off and be done with it. I will be relieved when I can get back on my own and just worry about myself. I have two days today and will try and make it three tomorrow.

[Theme2be]

Relapsing constantly

I, too, wish to offer encouragement to your low spirits. I understand. I do know what its like to be an alcoholic. I sure do.
I have sincerely attempted to be without the misery that alcohol in the doses I can endure offers with its insidious promises.
There have been moments that string together into days, but, I have not endured to make it to the length you did . You have my admiration.

The GABA offered here, has made a difference. I am out, and can notice the difference.
The withdrawl is horrid as I emphathize with the fears that surround.

It will pass.
I lost it all too; the last few years are void of consistant memories I experience prior to alcoholism.
I share also, that AA has ushered in some relief , especially last week when I managed some days and then reenter the lapses. But, it is coming here that is my therapy, my program.

I find the drink a strange and confusing companion/enemy. The esteem issues present welcome the abuse that alcohol in high doses manages to shamble my shame to an even darker place. I then give in to the drink over the shame.

Be ye' comforted.

I refuse to believe otherwise than the reality that this challenge we were dealt is really a sheep in wolf clothings, although powerful in its insistance.
Jackson, you do have it in you to stay afloat and not be pulled to the bottom.Even if the drink in you makes you boyant and you just float right back up to the top again to begin anew.
Just stay afloat and let the waves of generous hope that are offered to you on this site keep you in motion. You might feel at a stand still, but, you are in motion. You are learning as you water your desire to flourish, bloom and be the beauty you were created to be.

I believe.

Take good care,


Karen

[LaBear]

Relapsing constantly

LaBear

I have never posted here before! I had to post to this. I am exactly where you are today.
I was AF for 13 YEARS! Never had the desire to go back, oh maybe once in a while I would think, gee a Bloody Mary would taste good when I was out for dinner, but it passed. Then something happened 1/1/2000 and I started up again. I was o.k. for maybe 4 years moderating and occasionally drinking too much but it's progressive and before I knew it I was where I am today, finding it hard to go 4 days without a drink and a drink means a large bottle of red wine or a bottle of vodka. I have never been this bad before, again progressive. I bought all the supplements, the book and tapes and got my doctor to perscribe Topamax. I actually switched doctors to do this. Topamax made me very depressed so I had to stop it. I am back where I started from and feel lonely, hopeless, depressed and dispondent. I am back here trying to find something to keep me going or give me something to help quit this insanity!

[borderboomer]

Relapsing constantly

Get help anyway you can. I wasted more years than you have. I just started on Campral. Today, was a good day. No drink, walked the dogs and was kind to myself. Guilt and remorse suck. When I was in rehab they would tell me "no regrets." There are other drugs in the anti-craving category that are available. Some of this is trial and error finding what works for you. You can go to AA and get more ideas. Al-Anon is for family members. There is a whole body of knowledge available to you, especially with these web sites....This is about moving forward, not back and forth and not back. I have one day and tomorrow will make it two. I don't feel great, but feel better.