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**dove** · April 6, 2009, 11:57 PM

I am at the end of my rope!

Hi ruin,

I need to think about a response to you because I feel that my husband, too, treats his friends like they are more important to him than I am at times. Let me think about that...

In short, I just don't understand why he wants to go out with them on the weekends and not hangout with me when we haven't seen each other all week except for sitting in the living room together as I do school work and he watches tv. That DOES NOT count as time with me. Going and doing something fun together would but, instead, he choses his friends....

On another note, I notice I fight a lot more with him when I go af. All of my stress is transferred onto him, maybe, instead of buried in a bottle??? I am also much more alert of everything going on and have a lot more energy to argue about stuff. When I am drinking or hungover the energy is just not there to care....

Dove

P.S. Flowers never hurt!!!

**Pan** · April 7, 2009, 12:19 AM

I am at the end of my rope!

Well done on being AF for 3 weeks. Do your friends drink a lot? Is that why your fiancee does not want you associating with them perhaps?

Other than that, she could be a very insecure type of person who needs constant reassurance that she is number one in your life. I would speak to a professional counsellor who may be able to advise you.

**Iruineverything** · April 7, 2009, 12:41 AM

I am at the end of my rope!

Hi Pan, Hi Dove

to answer both, Dove I could understand your situation with your hubby but the thing is I dont spend ANY time with my friends, i dont have any anymore she ran them all out.. if i have a weekend while she's at work she volunteers me to babysit her 2 year old nephew.. the last time WE did anything with my friends was my best friends bday over a year ago and she made us leave 30 minutes into it because she felt that she wasnt getting enough attention. She actually ulled me away for most of the 30 min to spend time together alone.

Pan- yes the reason she doesnt like them is because some still lead 'that life style" but that is exactly why i have distanced myself from them, and dont go out with them.

We have gone to counciling (which she demanded i go to) but my therapist asked her to come in for a session and he too was confused why she still feels second place when i have removed all my friends from my life, when the therapist asked her "is it true? has he talked to any of those people?" her response was.. "no, but.. whatever"

Dove as far as the flowers go, I buy them for her all the time.. and... I JUST BOUGHT HER A PUPPY YESTERDAY!!! I had to drive to S. Miami to get it (two hours each way) and she fought with me via text the whole way there and back making rude comments saying that she hopes the dog is loyal not like me.. ( I have never cheated or even come close and she knows it)

guys I think i may need to move on and call it quits, i am so miserable...thoughts?

**Iruineverything** · April 7, 2009, 12:43 AM

I am at the end of my rope!

Hi Pan, Hi Dove

to answer both, Dove I could understand your situation with your hubby but the thing is I dont spend ANY time with my friends, i dont have any anymore she ran them all out.. if i have a weekend while she's at work she volunteers me to babysit her 2 year old nephew.. the last time WE did anything with my friends was my best friends bday over a year ago and she made us leave 30 minutes into it because she felt that she wasnt getting enough attention. She actually pulled me away for most of the 30 min to spend time together alone.

Pan- yes the reason she doesnt like them is because some still lead 'that life style" but that is exactly why i have distanced myself from them, and dont go out with them.

We have gone to counciling (which she demanded i go to) but my therapist asked her to come in for a session and he too was confused why she still feels second place when i have removed all my friends from my life, when the therapist asked her "is it true? has he talked to any of those people?" her response was.. "no, but.. whatever"

Dove as far as the flowers go, I buy them for her all the time.. and... I JUST BOUGHT HER A PUPPY YESTERDAY!!! I had to drive to S. Miami to get it (two hours each way) and she fought with me via text the whole way there and back making rude comments saying that she hopes the dog is loyal not like me.. ( I have never cheated or even come close and she knows it)

guys I think i may need to move on and call it quits, i am so miserable...thoughts?

**PHOTOGIRL** · April 7, 2009, 03:07 AM

I am at the end of my rope!

Hi there!

First of all, hate to ask it ...... but am I thinking your screen-name is perhaps indicative of how she (or others) make you feel about yourself? Well done in getting AF for 3 weeks - let that be the start of your new life. I just wondered because if a past life I was put down SO easily, walked all over by an ex-husband all the time and just made to feel like :crap: all the time. Eventually, enough was enough and unfortunately via a long journey via white-wine ville (which I'm now getting to the other side of), a great new husband and 2 gorgeous daughters - I'm in SUCH the right place :yougo: Sometimes you need a push in the right direction. Maybe 3 weeks AF and finding the MWO is the push you need? Don't let anybody alienate you from your friends, least of all your family - you never know when you need them. Also, as yourself 2 questions - 1) do you love her and 2 does she love you. If the truthful answer to 1) is yes then OK, stay. If the truthful answer to 2) is yes, then would she treat you like she does? Life is for living and it's your one and only chance to do so - you owe it to yourself to be happy :wave: :lxx

**PHOTOGIRL** · April 7, 2009, 03:08 AM

I am at the end of my rope!

Sorry - made a mistake!

meant to say - IN a past life!!!!

**PHOTOGIRL** · April 7, 2009, 03:13 AM

I am at the end of my rope!

Woops - another mistake!!!!!

I meant to say "Ask yourself 2 questions" !!!!! (must be the TOPA/typing!!!!!)

**cymru** · April 7, 2009, 03:24 AM

I am at the end of my rope!

Hi there! Have your 3 weeks of sobriety been happy. Have you been thinking about drinking alot? I really dont know what to say about your wife/partner, as I am not there and dont know you, but my experience with withdrawing from alcohol is that sometimes we have to take a step back and look at our own behaviour. are we to blame for the mood within the house and our relationship. Is there built up resentment from our drinking past that needs to be dealt with on both sides? Barriers and walls that have been built up very high and strong, that need to be broken down, however hard to continue our relationships and let go of our past. For me, this was cert the case.
I wish you all the best.

**gyco** · April 7, 2009, 03:43 AM

I am at the end of my rope!

congrats on the 3 weeks,maybe she likes you better,drinking,maybe she has seen a new you sober,and doesnt like it,i guesss as you said,either she gets it,or perhaps the best thing for you is to leave,i do wish you well,the same happen to me,a long long time ago,best thing she did was walk out on me,were still freinds,but it wasnt working out,she just had the balls enuff to leave,gyco

**Arial** · April 7, 2009, 04:41 AM

I am at the end of my rope!

Hi -

It sounds like you're moving towards making your own decision and just looking for support that it's the right one - basically you don't need our support to actually MAKE the decision - only you know what is right and what is/will make you happy. I agree with Photogirl - you only get one shot at life and sometimes you need to take a serious look at what changes you need to make in order to live a happy, fulfilled one. Being sober for 3 weeks (congratulations!) may also be giving you a strength and perspective that you didn't have before. The lack of self-worth at this point of time (as indicated in your screen name) would suggest that you need to carefully look at how/why you've got to that point. The feelings and thoughts caused by drink (guilt, remorse, self-loathing, regrets) etc. are feelings that can be changed, maybe with professional help, but once we stop drinking we have to face them and find a way to move forward and become the stronger, more positive people we can be without alcohol dominating our lives.

Many people seem to go through a reevaluation once they've stopped drinking - maybe it's a determination not to waste any more time, maybe an effort to restructure a life that has been destroyed/distorted by drink, maybe building on the opportunities now presented to lead life differently.

For whatever reasons your relationship is not currently working, and if you feel that counselling/help isn't going to make a difference, then you need to ask yourself is this the relationship for you - is this how you want your life to be lead? I gave up a huge amount for my ex-husband and when the marriage ended had to basically start from scratch - I had no personal friends left as they were all his. I will never allow that to happen again in a relationship. I've decided that no one has the right to expect me to give up my own individual life in order to live as a couple as I feel it should be more of an equal partnership than that. I'm also far happier on my own now than in a relationship that was sucking everything out of me - but that's a personal feeling and situation. Obviously you need to look at you, your situation and make the decision that is right for you.

It's tough to face these major decisions, and being sober means we can't bury them in a bottle of drink - see this as an opportunity you are creating for yourself to re-evaluate the situation, to take control of your life and go forward from there. Whichever direction you choose, make sure it's that - a choice, as it's through making decisions that we put ourselves in the driving seat. Just a question - what would your girlfriend do if you DID see your friends and you told her that you were not going to give them up and go ahead and and do it? and how would you feel about her response?

Keep in touch and good luck!

Good luck with your own decision

**Guitarista** · April 7, 2009, 05:11 AM

I am at the end of my rope!

Hi Rui.
Great work on being af for 3 weeks. This is a HUGE acheivement, so be very proud! You are here because you have a drinking problem, and so the way i look at it is, your sobriety is the most important thing here. And maybe you are seeing things more clearly now, than you have before? If you need to leave, then do it. Just be honest, and take care of you..................G.

**Evie.Lou** · April 7, 2009, 06:42 AM

I am at the end of my rope!

Good job on going AF. I know that it isn't easy to say goodbye to alcohol but at least now you can think clearly enough to see that the future doesn't exactly look rosy with this woman as a wife ???
Is this the kind of person you want to share your life with and grow old with ?? Things are bad enough now...just think after the HONEYMOONS OVER ???? You are obviously strong person and desire a life partner that makes you feel MORE of who you are and empowers you to be the best YOU possible..
I think it may be about time to go and start looking for your life partner and stop wasting time with a selfish insecure controlling person that you have described.

**greeneyes** · April 7, 2009, 08:39 AM

I am at the end of my rope!

I thought I'd stay out of this but..... ahem. I can't.

I have heard it said that people should not make major decisions until after a full year AF. While I understand the concept I think it is not always the best advice. What if you and your fiance "separated"? Give a couple months a try. See where your feet land. This is YOUR life and you deserve nothing short of joyousness. I made that up, is it a word? Best to you. :l

**MyHeartIsDrenchedInWine** · April 7, 2009, 08:55 AM

I am at the end of my rope!

I think you need some counseling for yourself and/or maybe do some reading on relationships and personality disorders. If you choose to stay with this woman I would not even consider marrying her without prior couples counseling.

Stay sober even if things seem worse, she may be MAKING things worse to trick you into thinking things are better while you're drinking. My husband actually told me he likes me drinking because then "I'm not in control". I understand what it's like to love someone with severe mental issues and I wish you all the best.

Congrats on the sobriety!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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