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[Cinders]

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Liath,

You asked the question that I have asked myself over and over again many times. More than most here. I am the relapse queen. I have been on MWO for years and just now, just now, getting sober.

However, and I cannot stress this enough, I refused to quit trying. Absolutely refused. I knew if I quit trying to quit, it was all over. I would be dead within a year or two. It is that simple.

I have done two rehabs, I have done detox in a hospital. I have tried Antabuse, Topa, hypnotherapy, white knuckling it, you name it, I have tried it.

I am doing so well on Baclofen right now it almost scares me. But, I am not suggesting you try Baclofen, so please do not get me wrong.

Somehow, some way, my last drunk was "it." It was not spectacular, I didn't do anything particularly stupid, I just got drunk, passed out and woke up. But, when I woke up, it was with the feeling that I just couldn't keep on doing this. I could not continue. I had to quit.

I got on the Baclofen. I white knuckled it. I titrated up on the Baclofen until those incredible urges started going away. I was amazed, I still am.

I go to AA. I know that just dealing with the physiological aspect is not going to help me completely. I must learn to live my life sober. I must learn to be a sober person. There are so many little every day things I have not ever done sober. Just living sober is a challenge for me.

But, I am doing it today.

I wish I could give to you that moment, I would give it to everyone.

But, you will get there if you keep trying.

Trust me, I am one of the worst, hard core, every day, 24/7 drinkers you have ever met. I have poured myself out of bed in the mornings shaking and sweating, and sloshed back a few just to be able to get dressed and go to work. I have left work trembling and shaking praying I make it back in time to get enough in me to stop all the withdrawals.

I have been kicked off of airplanes, I have wrecked cars (Thank God I have not hurt anyone!!), I have disappointed grandchildren, I have scared my husband to death, I have scared my grown children, I have hurt my parents and brothers. I have been about as bad as it can get.

Today, I am sober. I have weeks behind me, now, and I absolutely refuse to consider ever picking up a drink again. Some days, even on the Baclofen, my brain wanders to "it would be nice.." and then I just laugh because it has not been nice for years. Not for years. It has been horrible. It has been disgusting. I have looked into the face of evil and am determined never to look into that face again.

Do what you have to do to get through this horrible physical pain you are in. Get back up, stay sober, work hard at it. Do whatever it takes.

One day the miracle will happen. You must have faith.

Much love,
Cindi

[Seacailin]

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I do hope that you are feeling better Liath. You have already be given great advice. I just wanted to give u a:l

[LilBit]

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Hey Liath, just sending you good thoughts and wishes. You'll get through this, and won't this be a wonderful thread to come back and revisit as a deterrent to future binges? Chin up, good breathing, and please don't give up!

[cyclefan]

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Hi Liath

I just want to say I'm so glad you are still here. Please keep hydrated, like Starty says even if you bring it back up you need to keep sipping the water. Dehydration is one reason your body feels so bad. Take care and keep on believing in yourself. xo Beth

[Liath]

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Thanks everyone. I fell asleep for a moment or two. I really need to eat but I dont want to toss it all up again so I am just going to sit here for a while. I must say that I feel like a terrible failure right now. Here I am, supposedly moderating. Yet, I have drank to the point of serious regret twice in the past 2 weeks. Well I am not going to wait until anything terrible happens to quit. I have had some successes since joining up here months ago. I will try to hold on to that inspite of my recent failure. I wish I could drink like a normal person but this is just too much. Tomorrow is a new day. The words of encouragement help a lot!

[savon19]

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WHEN you feel like eating... I've always found Saltines to be good. (What my Mommy used to give me as a kid if I was vomiting!) Just nibble very slowly. They seem to stick to your stomach. And they have little taste, just that teeny bit of salt. Then when you're able to drink some water, they sort of absorb the liquid like a sponge.

Old fashioned remedy - but it's worked for me!

I don't know if it's that I have a high tolerance, always drink the same liquor (don't mix!) or just HATE to throw up - but I can't remember the last time I threw up. If I've even felt the urge Slightly, I'll get up, walk around - do ANYTHING to avoid that.

Hope you feel better soon. Like someone said here - your original post would be a good one to save (maybe even print out!)... And read it periodically. I think we have a tendency to Forget how bad a hangover can feel once we're over it!!

:l

[scrubbly]

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I have no better or more sage advice than what you have been given by the others here.

Just wanted to pop on with one of these... :l

Hope you feel better soon.

[ChickenNumber3]

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Liath!
While you are recovering go to the Newbies Nest and check out my post from yesterday regarding my Tales of Woe..... I Put it in, despite the humiliation cause I wanted to give everyone a bit of a laugh (at my expense) !
Just remember Liath....as my dear Mum always tells me..."this too shall pass"
Go easy on yourself, stop beating yourself up,cause you've already punished yourself heaps!Its time to be gentle to your body, mind and soul right now!
Chicken

[Liath]

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I am feeling a little bit better. WOW, I NEVER want to go through this again. I am afraid I am going to have to shoot for an AF lifestyle. Plenty of people out there do not drink I am sure. My mentor does not drink. My life is always going to be 'a drink away' from an incident like this as long as I mess around with AL. My goal needs to be AF as much as I can possibly manage. I will not buy it anymore. I will not find a way to justify it day after day. I just turned 33, and I want a better life than this.

[OverIt2007]

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Hey Liath,

Its funny how we always have the best intentions to stay AF for the day, then something detours us. It so easily detours us. I had planned to stay AF yesterday as well, Had put a big ZERO on my calendar in the morning (then I have to go back and change it, reminder of my screw up). Then last night one of my major drunk friends called me and wanted me to see her new place. Shes my friend, but I have never, ever saw her and not drank. Anyways, a few glasses of wine turned into a stop at the liquor store (mmmm nice vodka sounds good to go with my wine buzz hmmm). You know how the story goes.

I am convinced that all reasoning goes out the window after my first drink. I cant moderate. Its like placing a bowl of potato chips in front of me and saying, now you can only have just ONE chip! Not happening, I want the whole bowl of chips!

I am seriously thinking of going on Antabuse. Wow, now thats a HUGE commitment! Cant drink on that shit! Im scared to do it, but I feel like I am not getting in any good sober time on my own. My goal is to use it go literally FORCE my ass sober.

Anyways, I wish you the best on your journey to sobriety. Its a struggle we all face. Thank God we have each other on here!

[Liath]

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Thanks Overit-

As my shrink has pointed out, AL has a disinhibitory effect. So after a few drinks, it seem perfectly natural to go to the liquor store and buy more, then drink ourselves into oblivian. We are in this together at least. Need to start a drink tracker tomorrow. I cant wait to put a zero on it and stick with it!

[startingover]

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Hi Liath, I am glad you are feeling a little better now.
While its still fresh in your mind, may I suggest that you write about how you felt?
I did and if ever I feel weak, I read my words. Its amazing how that clarifies my mind once again.

[Tulipe]

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Liath,
I'm glad you are feeling better. Sounds like you have had a terrible time. So true, the with a few drinks what is when sober totally out of the questions becomes logical, reasonable, a good idea. How have you been doing the other days? Are you drinking every day? How much? Do you have some supps to help you when your hangover goes away? By the way, tomato juice has always been a help to me. It's base, a little salty, full of folic acid and vitamin C.
Keep in close touch with us. PM if it helps. Sending lots of support and understanding.

[gyco]

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Liath;680551 wrote: I just hope to god I never do this to myself again. I am not sure what to do now as I cant keep anything down. I just need to get through this and let this be my motivation to go 30 days

i no i sounds odd dont forget to drink water yes youll probably throw up but the body will stay hydrated

[gyco]

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Liath;680521 wrote: I am not sure what anyone can do for me, but I have really let myself down here. I am forced to ask myself, do I even want to quit? Yes, of course I am DESPERATE to quit. Yet last night I had a couple of friends over and got drunk enough that I felt the need to bail out and go to the bars drinking even more. OK, I did not drive drunk. Nothing terrible happened except I feel like absolute HELL right now. I think I may need to go 30 days AF. If I can even survive this hangover. I have been vomiting and everything. Cant stand this! I feel like I have let everyone down. So sorry. I cannot moderate at this time. I just can't do it. My head is pounding. I am hungry but cant eat because i am too sick. Please let this be the bottom because I cant take anymore of this.

you did two things rt,you didnt drive,and 2nd you came here,not drinking ,beleive me is something you have to work on,in other words its hard,to stop,dont let anyone fool you,as long as you've drank,it will take that much Will Power to stop,maybe longer,ive been doing this since 1983,off and on,stopping for me is easy,staying stopped,finding that solution,is my problem,but i do believe ive found an alternative to AA,its here,i haven't given up on AA,but its not for all, you have to find your niche,something that motivates you to bettering yourself,take your time,as a little green one once told me,there is no such thing as failure,failure is when you stop trying gyco